one week to andy

One week out and it was time to break the news to Rob. It was not something I was looking forward to, but we had agreed to address it one week before Andy was coming to visit me. We sat in the customary 'conversation' chairs in my livingroom when I spilled the beans.

It's always light for the first 5 minutes. Maybe it's nervousness. Then as reality sinks in, Rob gets quiet and his eyes don't stay with mine. At times I see them getting watery. I feel bad. And then I remind myself that I am being true to my path. I've been honest with Rob all along, and he made an informed decision to stick with me through my explorations for as long as he wanted. He'd always mentioned that he was thankful for the time that he got to spend with me. And so here we are.

Being the practical one that he is, some awkward questions then came up. Mostly on the topic of sex. We both agree that safe sex is paramount and that Andy would be using a condom. But then there was the issue of oral sex. Rob was hinting that he wanted me to abstain from that altogether. God forbid! This required further discussion, and some research.

As I was not willing to give up sucking Andy's cock OR put myself at risk of STDs, I decided that I would use a condom--a non-lubricated condom--for this extracurricular activity. I have never given a blow job to someone through a condom, but apparently it is doable. You just have to get the kind without that nasty spermicide on it. So, another new experience is ahead. I wonder what Andy will think of all this?

Granted, he has no right to complain because he never confirmed that he had been tested. And I stopped reminding him. Clearly, Andy and I have limited communication in this relationship. We don't have a lot of in-depth talks, we mostly stare at each other on Skype and talk about our days. I don't think Andy's had too many serious conversations in his life (I may be wrong), and we all know that's not my forte either, so this presents a pretty big challenge in the relationship.

I believe this upcoming visit will make things clearer for me. At this point I don't feel Andy is "the one" for me. But he is intriguing and a hell of a lot of fun. Who knows? We may get a lot deeper being close. A part of me hopes I will not be crazy about him afterwards so that I don't have to make any hard decisions. But I still want to have this experience of loving him and I will not have Rob or anyone stop me.

the biggest chicken

OK. A friggin month went by and I finally got the nerve to bring up the safe sex topic with Andy. A shot of whiskey helped. What the frig is wrong with me?

I think it may have been just as awkward for Andy because he hardly said anything when I brushed on the topic. Maybe it was because he was munching the largest fuji apple in the world at the time. Or maybe it was cuz he felt as weird as I did. Maybe he's as chicken as I am to discuss the hard issues!

As we disconnected from our Skype conversation last night I could have kicked myself for not tackling this head on. I had planned it all in my mind. I had planned to say I was scared to approach the topic for fear of insulting him or that he would change his mind about coming for a visit. And I was going to tell him about my own issue. I was going to be compassionate and really mature about the whole thing, like a big girl should!

But I left it way too open-ended. I didn't state my request other than saying I would like some reassurance that everything's safe when we have sex. What I really wanted was for him to get checked for a few specific major diseases (and show me proof), but instead I let him off with a Sure, I'll go to the doctor before I come see you.

And by the way he is looking at flights for January, so I need to get my shit together!

pre-sex prep

I have to have the sex talk with Andy and I'm a little nervous about it. For 3 months we've talked about how much we want to be intimate with each other. And with the help of technology, we've experienced some intimacy in the virtual world. I guess you could say we've been exercising the ultimate form of safe sex.

But safe sex is a conversation we need to have soon because Andy mentioned he might be coming to visit me in January. We have already agreed we would use condoms for intercourse, but then there's the case of oral sex, something neither of us is willing to go without.

I'm afraid I'm going to offend him by asking him to be tested for STDs. I'm trying to decide on the best approach because my health is not something I'm willing to risk. We have not talked about our sexual history, but he does know that I have sex with Rob. But I don't know much at all about his past...or present, though I don't see how he'd have much time for sex since we're Skyping non-stop.

So what do you think of this plan? I will tell him that I have never been tested for anything, but I am willing to. I was married for 19 years to a man who I believe was faithful. And since then I have only slept with 2 men, both who I am sure were no risk at all. (Cam was just out of a 20 year marriage, and Rob was in the habit of being tested after every sexual relationship he had.)

What I do need to disclose is that I had/have HPV--human papilloma virus. (I'm not sure it ever leaves once you contract it.) I got it from my dear cheating boyfriend when I was 19. At that time they didn't know much about HPV. I just got treated for those gross warts that appear in places you don't want to know about, and I thought that was the end of it.

Twenty years later when a pap revealed I had pre-cancerous cells on my cervix, HPV was just coming to the forefront. My doctor said my pre-cervical cancer was the result of HPV I'd had earlier. They were just starting to learn more about HPV and the vaccine was being advertised all over the place.

Apparently there are many different strains. At this point there is no test for men to determine whether they have HPV, so we do not conclusively know if Rob has caught it from me or not. Men can go forever without symptoms and only be carriers. So this is a potential risk to Andy and I need to tell him.

I figure that honesty is always the best policy. I just hope his fear of needles and the cost involved with the blood tests due to his lack of decent health insurance don't deter him from having them, and even more scary...from coming to see me.