and it makes me wonder

I sat next to Annie at the club where we were watching this great cover band do some of my favorite tunes--and some not-so-favorites. But I swear they even made the very tired 'Stairway To Heaven' sound alive again.

Our friendship first ramped up about 6 weeks ago when we decided to have a celebratory drink before I moved. Since that first night out where we got drunk and Annie confessed that she wants out of her marriage, she seems to have glommed onto me. Her story is eerily familiar: married about 19 years, kids now practically grown, workaholic husband who has lost himself, his lust for life and for her, and now they don't know how to dig themselves out of the hole created by years of a routine existence.

On the outside they're the picture of perfection--fancy house, fancy toys, over-achieving kids, nice looking couple (well, that's an understatement when it comes to Annie), the dog, the bank account etc. But inside they're dying. She recognizes it and sees a way out. He is hanging on for dear life, but doing nothing to change any of it. In my mind it's over because she says it is.

This was my story, almost verbatim. So she KNOWS I understand. And she trusts me. I broke through it all successfully, and now I am about to embark on a pretty incredible adventure. Annie wants to feel that too. Since I am the only one she has shared those feelings with, she has been all over me lately. And with added desperation because I am moving away.

She wants to go out drinking like every weekend. It's been sweet. I have helped her where I can, and have certainly given her hope for her future. But she doesn't really need my help. I have no doubt she will come through this and find the joy she seeks. She is a smart cookie who knows exactly what she wants and needs.

What I have found most distracting in the meantime is that she is so SO beautiful. I have always admired her beauty since I first met her about 15 years ago, but she is still utterly stunning today at 45+. Hanging out drinking and talking I sometimes find myself totally distracted by her looks and her sweetness. I mean I became very aware of my attraction to her as she was talking to me. I think with a couple drinks I could easily cross the line into a sexual experience with her. I can imagine myself appreciating every inch of her femininity.

How weird is that (to admit)?! And then my thoughts go even further into imagining her visiting Andy and me in LA, staying with us, and sharing our bed. Holy cow, he would be...well...overwhelmed. I think I could love her body and mind and soul. She would make it damn easy to be bisexual.

I have never been with a woman, and have only felt a mild attraction to a woman once before. But I'll tell ya, sitting next to her in a bar with good music and a couple drinks in us, I was tempted to say something. Then I thought of my responsibility to her as a friend, and was aware of her vulnerability. I did what I think was the wise thing, and left this all in fantasyland.

Which isn't to say that I won't bring the fantasy into the bedroom. I think Andy might enjoy that almost as much as the real thing.

beautiful earth

I need to backtrack in the chronology of my trip and tell you about something so very beautiful. It's called Earth. Earth from 30,000 feet.

On our flight to LA last week, Christie and I dozed for awhile with the shade pulled down over the window. Some 3-4 hours into the flight she decided to peek outside (good mom that I am I gave her the prized window seat). At first we saw this:

I'm thinking it's a long time since I flew over farmland, but I don't recall ever seeing circular patches of crops. When did that happen? How can circles be more efficient than squares? Ah, what the hell, just enjoy the view. No need to question or analyze it, we are on vacation! It obviously takes me awhile to decompress. Christie wasn't quite as curious as I was about the circles. Nor was she analyzing anything other than how she was going to meet Nick Jonas in this lifetime. Another half hour and the landscape changed again.

I asked myself is that snow? Or is it morning clouds hanging in a mountain valley? Either way, I was impressed. Christie not so much...Mom, I'm bored. At this point I'm both intrigued and peeved. Peeved with myself for not having checked a map of the US before I left so that I would know what the hell I was looking at. So I'm guessing I was over Colorado...? Are these the Rockies?

Then things got realllly interesting. Or I thought so anyway. Christie gave up her window seat realizing I needed it a hell of a lot more than she did. She got my seat next to the sleeping Asian man. I moved into her spot and this is what I saw.

Wow! Isn't that gorgeous?! The Earth was turning red and getting more lustful by the minute. I got excited suddenly realizing that HOLY SHIT I might see the Grand Canyon after all! It's a destination I've dreamed about since the days of Cam (who lives in AZ). We used to talk about going there together. Later, Rob and I had talked about a trip there too, but it never happened because Andy came along and ruined Rob's plans.

It got prettier, even sexy with its deep crevices and jaggedness. What a fascinating land we live on.

I felt very blessed to see the earth from this vantage point. Some people never get to see this. Like my dad, although he wanted to so badly. Travelling to the canyon with my uncle many years ago (who was set on finding a store so he could get a fridge magnet to add to his collection), they ran out of time to see the canyon before dark. They couldn't find a hotel anywhere close the area that night and had to drive out of town, never to return the next day. My dad was so disappointed. I felt heartbroken when he told me the story. So when I saw it from the air, it felt so very special.

It's really a gift to step back from our concentrated focus, to break free from the detail for once and breathe in the expansive beauty of this planet earth.