fears down, guilt to go

I've had so many fears in my life, most of which I have overcome in the last 3 years. Maybe not 'so many', but even if you have 1 or 2, they feel all-consuming when all you want is a peaceful life.

I used to be scared of travelling. I used to be scared of puking. I used to be scared of flying. I used to be scared of speaking in public. I used to be scared to discuss difficult issues with people.

Now I enjoy travelling which has pretty much opened up the world to me. I cannot imagine a life spent in or around one's hometown when places like Santorini, Paris and NYC are begging to be seen, touched, tasted, and felt.

I went about 18 years without puking, then I puked 3 times within 2 weeks, oh, about a month ago. No biggie, really. I wondered what's the big deal?

And flying? Well I psych myself up before flights, and since I don't fly that much (yet) I haven't had much of a chance to get used to it. But it seems easier each time and I'll actually be flying alone for the first time in January. So far no panic attacks.

Speaking in public I learned to do in my work. I can do small groups fine, and who knows, maybe even large groups, but I haven't been presented with that challenge yet. I do need to know what I'm going to talk about as I am terrible at winging it. I'm not even that great a conversationalist, but can do it well if I want to, or if I've had coffee. Zzzzzing!

Talking about difficult issues with people is a work in progress. I do NOT enjoy this at all, but I realize it is an absolute in life, so I force myself to try and get into the ring. I grew up in a family that swept things under the rug, so had no practice dealing with issues verbally. In my 19 year marriage my husband was determined to always be right, so talking about it was a waste of time, energy and a totally defeating process. I clammed up worse than ever.

Then Cam came along, and Rob. Both of those gentle, sweet men were so patient with me and gave me a safe environment to reveal my feelings and troubles. Still it was never easy for me. But I learned how important it is. I guess I fear criticism and rejection most of all. I just cringe thinking of it.

So, having tackled most of those issues, I am left only with guilt. Most people wouldn't believe that I feel guilt at all. They see me as someone who never does anything wrong in the first place, and I come across as being a very confident and 'together' woman.

It's just my ex and my 19 year old daughter Maria that see me as the total opposite. They think I should feel guilty about many things I have done, and as they so adamantly see me that way, I sometimes start to believe it myself. I can more easily ignore what my ex thinks of me, but when it comes to my child I am affected on a deep level despite all logic. Because I care what she thinks and how she feels.

I am at the point now where I have to start figuring out how to break the news to Maria that I want to move to California. She'll likely say that she doesn't care if I go, but she won't want me taking her sister with me. I know this will be painful on a few levels, so I have to be ready to face it. I so wish I could get her to see what's in it for her. It could be such an opportunity for her. But I have seen how she reacts to my news, and I feel defeated before I start. Sound familiar?

This is one fear I am going to have to get professional help dealing with. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want to be happy and live my life. This is a whole bunch of big changes all at once and I want to go into this new beginning with Andy healthy and happy, not dragging bags of guilt with me. I also think that Christie might benefit from talking to a professional about the big move. We need to do this right.

Add counselling to the list.

for love or money?

So I decided to spend the day with my older daughter Maria. Here it was a holiday, no work for me, and she had no school. I could have done something completely for myself, but I thought it would be a nice opportunity to spend some quality time with Maria. Our relationship has been challenging from the beginning, but especially in the last few years since her dad and I split. She blames me for everything that's wrong in her life, and in her dad's.

Maria was agreeable to spending the day together since I was planning on going to visit my mom, an hour's drive to a larger city, with better shopping. Did I mention that shopping is Maria's favorite pasttime? Maria said she wanted to check out a prom dress she'd seen online. Did I also mention that she does not have a job? After I made it clear that I had about $70 to contribute towards a dress, she seemed to understand that she may not be able to buy one today, but was still willing to go look. She did have some money of her own that she'd recently earned babysitting. Did I also mention that she still owes me $150 that she borrowed to buy Christmas presents?

Now, granted, I don't generally have money issues. But I sort of do, in that I am somewhat frugal. And I do believe that kids should not be handed money for everything they want or they will never be inspired to work or to value the things they do have. PLUS, I am now a single mom, completely responsible for ensuring that I have enough funds to provide the essentials for my children and myself. A prom dress at $300 does not fall into the essential category. However, to my daughter, it does.

OK, so we're at the store and she finds a dress that looks stunning on her (which is not difficult because she's simply beautiful). But the friggin thing is like $300. I realize it's a bit better quality than previous dresses she's worn. (Did I mention that she's been to every prom and every semi-formal and spring dance since she started high school 4 years ago, and has had to have a new dress for all but maybe 2 of them which she decided to borrow from a friend?) And yes, the dress is beautiful on her. I wanted her to have it.

But I had a budget. And she had some cash. So, I agree to hand over my cash and even a little more if she can get a commitment from her dad to cover the remainder. She assures me he will commit. But when she talks to him on her cell, he says sorry, I just don't have the money.

So who's the bad guy? Me, of course!

We leave the mall and go to my mom's where Maria proceeds to sit on the couch with her coat on, not saying a word. I'm thinking, she's acting like a 2 yr old. I thought we'd covered this whole situation before we left the house and here we are, she's trying to manipulate me into buying her that dress. And of course, now I'm pissed.

But I continue to chat with my mother who I see only once or twice a month. Everytime Mom leaves the room, Maria asks can we go now? And I say no. Well, a lovely visit that turned out to be.

Eventually we leave, and it's a long, quiet ride home. Maria won't talk to me. I know it's not really about the money. What she's angry about runs so much deeper than that--something we've talked about so many times but cannot solve because she is not ready to let go of her anger. But money is the easy excuse.

I am driving along feeling mad, sad, disappointed, cheated, exhausted and fearful this cycle will never end. I truly feel for her, what it must be like to be denied a beautiful dress, and to feel like she has no control over getting it. But her behavior is inexcusable. I want to tell her I WILL NOT BUY YOUR LOVE. I will not be treated like this. You're only nice when you want something from me. That's not how I raised you. And I am angry at you for playing this game.

There was no thank you when I dropped her off at her boyfriend's house. I went home and I cried.