my love potential

I have identified my state of unrest. With Andy living in the Southwest, me in the Northeast, and facing 4 months between visits, I have had to curb my enthusiasm. I find my feelings can completely run wild if left to their own volition, and this distance makes that a very dangerous game.

I just can't go to those depths unless I can sustain the love and have it whenever I need it. When I am with Andy for days, I drop my guard and let him in completely. I let him love me and I become exposed and vulnerable. Living here on my own, I can't afford to be vulnerable. I have to be strong and independent, get my shit together, and rearrange my life down to every last detail in order to move across the US to be with him.

It's been pretty challenging lately as I feel the relationship is a little off balance. And I didn't realize why till tonight. Andy is somehow able to be consistently sweet and open and excited to share everything with me. While I am spending a lot of time Skyping with him, loving him and sexing with him, still I feel reserved.

For instance, the other day I found out some great news I'd been sweating over for a long time. My ex has agreed to let my daughter move to California with me. So, when I heard the news of course I was thrilled. But instead of calling Andy (who's also been sweating the news) right away, I went about making dinner and stuff, knowing I'd be Skyping with him soon. When we did Skype, I told him I had good news, and I was happy to tell him.

He was pretty wowed, and then casually asked why I didn't call him when I found out. I brushed it off saying I knew I'd be Skyping with him that night. But later I realized that my choice to wait, as opposed to bubbling over in the excitement of the moment, denied him a chance to get into my heart, and me into his. I feel kind of bad about it now. Like it was a lost opportunity.

But the more I think about it, I see that I am just protecting myself. I can't experience the intensity of my love for Andy and then not be able to experience it. In order to go there, I need to know I'm in...all the way in. And the closer it gets to the time we will finally live together, the harder it is to be without it.

I am really missing my man. I need to curl up with him, touch him, sleep with him, have real sex, love him every day in every way.

cold and lonely

It's been such a wicked cold week and it seems this winter is endless. I am missing my honey. When we Skype I can see the sunshine hitting his face and I am envious. I miss the California sun and heat so much.

Andy is originally from the Northeast so he understands how winter sucks, but he's been living in sunny CA for the last 20 years. Sure, he sympathizes with me, but he doesn't have to dress like an Eskimo for 3 months straight, or drive in this shit, or shovel it. Sometimes that disconnect makes me feel even farther away from him.

Yeah, I'm getting down. We don't know when we're seeing each other next. I hope it's before May when Christie and I go back out to see her school and look for apartments. But May seems like a lifetime away. I need my honey now.

a kid named skype?

I confess, I love technology. Well, the type of technology that brings loved ones together in a virtual world where they can see and hear each other...for free! Holy shit, this is great stuff.

Andy and I both downloaded Skype and discovered we can not only talk, but LOOK AT EACH OTHER in real time, without paying a friggin cent. This comes a couple weeks after he received a mega phone bill for his long distance calls to me. The sound is better than our phones and the video streams perfectly.

We've been hungry for the sight of each other since August 1, 2009. I think the first night we stared at each other for 2 hours straight. We knew how weird that was, but we did it anyway.

In honor of our great discovery Andy said hey let's have a kid and name it Skype! Sure, honey. So tell me, when will technology let me touch, taste and smell Andy all those miles away? C'mon, c'mon...

all roads lead to andy

I just googled directions to my Andy. To be more specific, I googled driving directions from my house to his.

When it digested our addresses, a map and driving route popped up. I was friggin looking at the bulk of North America. Even though I know he lives far away from me, it was still a little shocking to see the amount of country that lay between us.

I proceeded to scroll through the directions listed. It's so weird to see things like passing through Iowa, Entering Nebraska and Passing through Arizona, Nevada, Entering California. And the real 'holy shit' was the 1 day and 15 hours of driving time separating us. (Of course, there's air travel, but that wouldn't make as dramatic a point now, would it?)

When love calls, physical distance is merely a technicality. I feel him close in spirit and mind, and we will also be close in the physical plane soon enough.

If I stop and think about all the circumstances that have been created in my life over the past while, I can start to see a master plan evolving. Things like my dissatisfaction with a stagnant relationship (with Rob), my need to sink my teeth into something more exciting careerwise and socially, my finances taking a dive (creating a need to make a move), the new PR and media experience I've gained through my job (that could be really useful to Andy), even my joints getting sore with the onset of cold damp weather....

It seems that all roads lead to LA.