ouch

I thought I'd achieved a little peace, then May came. I've spent most of the month feeling like crap. Between Christie and myself, I feel like I've spent an enormous amount of time just dealing with medical issues.

It started the day after I had my big verbal release with Andy. I noticed a sore spot on the outside of my throat. It felt like a bad bruise on the right side of my neck near my Adam's apple. Flu-like symptoms followed--ear aches, sore neck muscles, achy shoulders, headache. I had barely enough energy to get me past dinner. Bedtime was the thing I most looked forward to every day. It was depressing.

After multiple doctor visits, blood tests and an ultrasound on my thyroid, the doctor said I was anemic. Plus I have nodules on my thyroid (which may have been there a long time) and have some antibodies against my thyroid (WTF?). My theory about the thyroid flare-up is that it was a byproduct of finally expressing my feelings to Andy. In holistic medicine, issues of the throat reflect problems with communication and the right side is symbolic of male energy. Communication with the man in my life has certainly been a challenge for me!

In the last week the pain in my thyroid has just about disappeared. All I've been doing is taking Advil which I was doing all along. I also take an iron pill a day for the anemia. I do have my energy back for the most part. The doctor was not overly concerned about any of the test results. She wants a 3 month follow up.

In the meantime I continue to be plagued with random issues which would be almost comical if listed. It's weird though. As often as I feel under the weather, I rarely get sick. I don't know what's worse. Maybe it would be better to get a full-blown sickness and get it over with...?

This year I really feel my age. And I hate saying that because I do so many things to keep myself healthy. I don't look old, but my body seems to be rebelling. All I can really blame my health challenges on is the stress I've been under in the past year. I hope I can kick this once and for all. I feel like I've been paying way more than my share of dues. I want to get back on top where I belong.

convoluted christmas

At risk of sounding like a chronic complainer I am going to declare that this was the most non-Christmasy, non-joy-filled holiday my family has ever had. Even though Christie and I flew home for Christmas as an attempt at some degree of normalcy, it was not normal at all. And it's probably all my fault. Except for the fact that there was no snow. That clearly is not my fault.

I do take the blame for the holiday breakdown though, cuz I'm the one who chose to move far away. My daughter Christie was keen on the idea of moving to Los Angeles up until 2 months before our move date when she happened to fall in love with a boy. Now she feels stuck in LA, stressed and lonely for her friends.

I believe this stress has caused her health to suffer. She had strep in early December. By the time we flew back east she was fine. Three days later, while on vacation back home, I had to take her to the hospital. The strep had returned with a vengeance and her throat was so swollen she needed immediate meds by IV to ensure her airways stayed clear.

Running back and forth to the hospital and dealing with a pretty sick kid put a real damper on the rest of the family too--both sides. My older daughter Maria was a big help logistically, but fell short on the TLC factor and stressed her sister out worse. I got more flack from the asshole ex. My mom was concerned about both Christie and me (this is what moms do) and just wanted to take away everyone's suffering.

There were some gems buried beneath the Christmas rubble, however. I spent one day back in the old neighborhood where I saw 4 girlfriends, visited my naturopath who stocked me up with remedies and reassurance, and then had a Thai dinner, drinks and mucho comfort from my old love and bestest friend Rob. Also, spending some time taking care of Mom and a little with my sis and my dad. I did my family deeds. But it still doesn't feel like enough. Maybe next Christmas I'll get it right.

s.a.d.

I'm freaking out these days with a darkness that keeps creeping in where there used to be light. Except for the case of my hair which is getting lightter by the day--what's with these grey intruders? Seems I've had a rapid onset of aging in the last week. Frown lines included.

Man! I'm finding myself so stressed every night that I just wanna cry. I am feeling tired of working so damn hard. From bouncing out of bed at 6am to walk the dog to driving 45 mins to work, toiling my ass off for 8.5 hrs, then 45 mins back home so I can cook dinner, and sometimes do the dishes and laundry. Then I spend some time either on homework or skyping with Andy (my one daily pleasure besides sleep).

And before you know it, it's 10pm and I am petered out. This is my life.

Usually I can handle it fine cuz I am a planner and a doer. I accomplish more in a day than the average person does in a week. But I am now PMSing. And with the days getting shorter (darker), I'm taking my vitamin D, but it sure doesn't seem to be warding off the S.A.D.

I should be happy. My ex finally agreed yesterday to pay for our divorce. And Andy's coming for a visit next week. I am healthy (despite these fall blues) and have an exciting new life to look forward to. So wtf?

stressed

Got a shitty feeling lately. Worrying about money. Every bill that comes in is more than what I expected. WTF?? Feeling like there's not enough time. I'm spending too much time working and driving to & from work. Then coming home and cooking, cleaning, walking the dog, helping with homework. I'm friggin exhausted! Frustrated at not being able to get to the next level in life. When does it get easier?

OK, enough of the negative. Don't want to write too much about it for fear of attracting more. Just needed to unload it on y'all. Thanks!

~DinamoVents