wildlife on the way to work

You'd think I live in some wilderness or something with all the neat animals I get to see. (Really, I don't. On my 45 minute drive to work I go from suburb to rural area back to suburb.) Remember a few weeks back a turkey (or was it a pheasant) flew across my path? Well, today I swear I saw a coyote. I had to ask myself, do I even know what a coyote looks like? I mean, beyond the Wile E. variety. So I looked at some pictures. Here's one:

Mighty fine looking animal. But the animal I saw was mangier, meaner and all grey, with slitty eyes. So I thought, maybe it was a wolf? Here's what a wolf looks like:

...basically a lot like a German Shepherd, in my opinion. I don't know what the hell I saw, but it looked a lot wilder than these 2 beauties!

CJ in love

I'm so happy for my friend CJ. I haven't seen much of him lately, I get only a weekly email now, but that's ok. He's in love! CJ and I have been hanging out for a year now, and I had sort of adopted him as "my project". I was determined to help him keep his chin up and remind him that he could have love again if he only believed.

He said he was poking around on Facebook and connected with one of our old high school friends. In fact, she was one of my old sorority sisters! And she's a real sweetheart. I can see that she & CJ would go very well together.

When he gave me the news, I told him to give her a big hug for me. Later that week he reported that he'd given her that hug...and she'd stuck her tongue down his throat. So I have a pretty good inkling that things are going well.

relationship reality check

Do you know that feeling you get when you realize you love your boyfriend/girlfriend more than he/she loves you? Now, of course, it's hard to measure love, and maybe we shouldn't, but we do anyway. Maybe it's more accurate to say that he/she "is not in the same place emotionally" as we are. Well, I find myself sitting in that very spot since a talk with Rob last night. And I'm feeling a little lonely, disappointed, and embarrassed.

It's not the first time I've been here. There have been at least two times before when something he said made me realize that he just doesn't love me at the same level as I love him. In all fairness, there have been times when he was a lot more into our relationship than I was. And I suppose it made him feel slightly shitty too. Neither of us is on our way out, and it's nothing serious, but it just feels kind of unbalanced at the moment.

I don't want to bore you with the details of the conversation, I mostly wanted to acknowledge the feeling, and share my recognition of the kneejerk reaction that always seems to follow. (I sure gain a lot of insight about myself from my relationship with Rob. In the last 2+ years with him, I see myself going through similar cycles of emotion and thought over and over. I feel lucky to have such a safe environment in which to explore my feelings and reactions.)

I've observed that every time I feel hurt by something Rob says, or doesn't say, I go into self-protection mode. It's like an imaginary wall goes up. Not a brick wall, but a somewhat flexible and transparent wall. I feel like I need to pull back slightly from the relationship. Otherwise I feel too vulnerable. A part of me feels a little resentful too. Resentful that I have so much love for someone who doesn't want it all.

Eventually he breaks through my wall. But until that happens I believe our relationship is in somewhat dangerous territory. My mind will start to drift to Cam or to other guys I've been with who have qualities I admire. I desire Rob less, call and see him less, and I start to second guess our compatibility. I hate to admit it, but this is the nonsense I go through.

This can go on for a week or two. I may even shed a few tears in private, depending on what time of the month it is. Rob won't really know what's going on other than thinking I'm a little distant. Basically he figures he hasn't given me enough attention. So he brings it on full force. Usually he'll suck me in with his TLC or his blue eyes, or by walking around shirtless. As sexy as that can be, what I really crave are words. Words describing his intense love for me.

It seems the only time I get those words are when he feels like he is losing me. Isn't that a shame? Do I have to push things to that state in order to get a sincere expression of his love for me? Am I really expecting too much too soon, or is he just plain scared? I feel his fear and it fuels mine.

happy toes & squished bugs

It must be spring, or is it summer? I am sitting on my porch in a tshirt and I am actually hot. Also I have the official beginning-of-the-season pedicure. I've painted my toenails tulip pink and feel pretty again.

Still a little chunky from the month long indulgence in things I didn't really need to eat but thoroughly enjoyed, like the great Greek pizza splurge last weekend. That was my crescendo. Now I'm trying to behave.

But I didn't look horrible sporting my bikini today. I decided to take advantage of the sunshine and lay out on my back deck for a while. Not a very daring venture since there was little danger of anyone seeing me out there--it's fairly secluded. I soooo needed it, I am completely pasty from a long, cold winter.

One more sure sign of nice weather, those damn big ants. I have found 4 so far in my kitchen and dining room and I'm hoping that they are just a few strays from the front porch on which I sit right now watching them parade around me, trying not to be too nervous one will crawl up my leg. Ewww.

Christie's not too fond of them either. She won't touch them other than to stamp out their little lives. I came home today to find 4 post-it notes stuck to my floor, carefully arranged as if they were surrounding something. As I walked closer I saw that she had wanted to alert me to the fact that she had squished an ant. I guess she didn't want me to step on it as it was the same color as the floor. Would've been nice if she had disposed of it, but I guess she went as far as she possibly could. Silly girl.

dreaming in sin

This morning I woke up feeling like I'd committed a crime. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so guilty had I not waken up next to my love. My love who stroked my hair until I drifted off to sleep last night, then held me in his arms all night long. Gulp.

Where I usually tell Rob my dirty dreams, even when they're about another man, I could not even broach the subject today. Thank God he didn't ask.

I'd had a series of dreams where I was physically intimate with Lee...several times. It was a long, drawn out dream that had many scenes, sort of like a movie, leaving me wondering how long I spent dreaming about this man from my recent past.

I dreamt that for some reason Lee had to sleep in our house (Rob's and mine, though we don't really live together). I was sleeping on the couch (??) and Lee woke me up and started nuzzling me. Although I felt it was wrong at the time, I let it happen anyway. And before you know it Lee was on top of me, naked. Not long after that he was pumping me from behind. I loved it, just like I'd loved the real thing with Rob last night.

Then there was another scene where we were dressed, outside somewhere, and he was telling me what he was looking for in a woman/partner. He had listed a couple qualities, then I heard the words and someone to inspire me, challenge me which immediately brought tears to my eyes. I remember crying in my dream, and feeling like I'd found "the one". He responded with great concern, asking me why the tears.

I replied that that's what I'd been looking for myself.

So I realized this morning that it wasn't so much the physical intimacy I had with Lee that was bothering me. It was the emotional connection with another man that left me feeling like I totally betrayed Rob.

I think he'd be okay with the dream. But I wouldn't want to tell him it was Lee. That's still a little too raw.

worth getting fat

Yesterday I had the closest thing to a "family outing" that I've had since I separated. Rob and I took my daughter Christie and her boyfriend out for the day to a little port town by the lake. We went for a walk by the water despite my weatherman boyfriend's forecast of cold winds from the east. Three of us froze our asses off (guess which 3?), but Rob's so sweet, he never once said I told you so. And I didn't dare complain.

Anyway we had fun cuz we were all with the one we love. I enjoyed catching a glimpse of my 13-yr-old interacting with her 14-yr-old boyfriend. Young love is so innocent and pure (so far, anyway). They look cute together.

It was my suggestion to go for pizza afterwards. It was Christie's suggestion to get a Greek pizza.

!!!YUM!!!

I ate 5 slices and enjoyed every greasy bite. Today I looked at myself in the mirror while getting dressed and realized I am growing some precious love handles. I will never allow myself to get fat, but if I did, there would be plenty of Greek pizza involved.

Greek pizza---just one more thing I love about the Greeks.

dreamin'

dirty dreaming

The last few nights I've had dreams about old boyfriends. In the first dream I was waking up in bed with Cam, feeling amorous. I wanted to love him and please him, so I found myself going under the covers, working my way down to taste various hot body parts. I distinctly remember my cheek brushing against his inner thigh and reaching to touch his knee...?

The next night I dreamed of Peter, who hasn't been mentioned in this blog until now. (I dated Peter for 3 years from age 17-20. He was a very sexual person, and we tried just about every sexual adventure possible together. He used to sing to me too, he had a very good voice. Unfortunately he drank too much and one day I decided I'd had enough.) Anyhow....all I remember about that dream was his big dick in my face waiting for gratification. Pleasant enough.

Then last night I dreamed about Cam again. This time, I was sitting in a bar (at the end of the bar) and Cam appeared as the bartender. He was also famous in some regard and people were recognizing him and making comments, trying to get his attention. He saw me at the end of the bar and gave me that look, that flirtatious look that always melted me. He acknowledged me as if he'd be over to talk to me as soon as he could. I hollered back, OK Love, only to see his new girlfriend show up. My words had caught her by surprise and she looked over at me wondering who this woman was addressing her man as "Love".

Next thing I knew I was sitting at a table across from her. I was sort of interviewing her, getting to know her, as if I needed to know just who was taking my spot with the man I loved, but couldn't have. In my dream, as in my reality, I knew I had to give him up to her.

I awoke sad, but with peaceful acceptance. The feeling lasted most of the day. That is, until Rob came over and held me, for hours, just because he wanted to.

more tears for Maria

As you know, my relationship with 17-yr-old daughter Maria has been touch and go lately. Since my 13-yr-old daughter Christie had been subjected her dad's anger for the last time and decided to move in with me, Maria has spent more time at her dad's (Jeff, my ex). I thought she was doing it because she felt sorry for him (Christie having "abandoned" him), but she said no. Apparently it's because she thought that was a better environment for her since she gets along better with him than with me. I told her that I just want her to be happy, that I love her and I want to keep in touch with her.

I hadn't seen Maria in the past week, nor heard from her, so today at work I called her to see how she was doing and invite her to Easter brunch this weekend. She declined, then she told me she's living at her dad's permanently. I wasn't shocked at the news, I sort of felt it coming, but still it took something out of me.

Although I believe that some space between us is probably the right thing for now, still all I could feel was sadness, and failure. I cried on my drive home. As much as I reassured myself through logic, I felt the loss of my baby, the pain of being rejected by one of my children.

I will be all right. I even realize that I helped bring this on. And that there is opportunity here. But I can't stop thinking about the time that will pass, the things I will miss in her life. And I pray that this won't jam the wedge in even harder between us. I am hoping that time heals old wounds and allows new patterns to form in which we can appreciate each other in a new way, and come to some kind of understanding. And that she can love me again, and accept my love.

Lee's visit

Well, I survived an evening with Lee. He returned to my workplace with a business associate for a tour, followed by dinner. As I hadn't seen Lee since last October, I was a little surprised by what I saw.

To put it bluntly, he was even more handsome than before. He is a beautiful man. He's really got the whole (physical) package going on. I was tempted to reach out and touch him, but at the same time I kind of blocked out my feelings during the hello hug and customary kissing of the cheek. Nerves, I suppose.

I'd even cringed when I heard some of the things I said during the tour. Boy, how I wish I could have edited a few words. What a dork I am. Thank God it got better during dinner as I had some wine and relaxed. When I drink I tend to take off the business hat and start relating more on a personal level.

But since we were in the company of his associate, we never had a chance to talk about our personal, albeit short, history. So I didn't get to say some things I'd been wanting to say since October. Like thanks for spending the time with me, letting me get to know him and pick his brain. It meant a lot to me that he had told me he would date me if we lived in the same city. My ego needed that reassurance I guess.

And I had thoroughly enjoyed the playful exploration as we hung out and drank whiskey in his hotel room. Not that we crossed any sexual lines, but as I snuggled up to him, hugged him and rubbed his back, it sure was nice to feel what he's made of. As enjoyable as that was, it was still no match for my connection with Rob. And that realization was all I needed to confirm that Rob was the right one for me. That was last October.

Seeing Lee again was good. I do like him as a friend, and he's eye candy for sure--BONUS! But I couldn't wait to get home afterwards and call Rob to come over and spend the night with me. Lee is sporadic at best. Rob is there for me 24/7 and his whole heart is in the game. Dats my boy :)

sticky rice and sex shops

OK, that was a fun weekend. Rob took me away as part of my Christmas gift (score!). We left around noon on Saturday and drove into the big city, drank coffee and yakked all the way. The weather kind of sucked, but hey, we can have fun in a paper bag.

We found our hotel, checked in, and promptly checked out the bed. We had our customary roll around to mess up the sheets, but decided to keep our clothes on knowing full well we'd spend the rest of the day in bed if we got naked. Instead we ventured out into the wild windy city.

We strolled through shops and I didn't buy anything but the worst chocolate chip muffin I ever ate. How hard can it be to make a decent muffin? I swear it must have gone stale, then they decided to freeze it to make it last even longer. Bleccch. Two bites of torture and I tossed it.

Fast forward to dinnertime. We happened upon a little Thai restaurant on a side street near our hotel. Rob and I have had a couple great Thai meals, and a couple so-so ones. However, this one was, hands down, the best Thai meal I've had, for the best price. And the dessert changed my life.

So you might think, how excited can one get about a dessert? Have you ever had mango sticky rice? Mango is my all-time favorite fruit. (Someone once said that there is only one proper way to eat a mango: while standing in the ocean naked. This is so that when you bite into it, the juices run down your body in celebration of the sensuality of the fruit.) Naturally, I had to order this mango dessert.

They brought me a masterpiece on a gleaming square dish. Thin slices of juicy ripe mango were fanned across half the plate with a drizzle of mango puree over top. The other half of the plate was a perfectly formed mound of sticky white rice covered in a blanket of fragrant vanilla-coconut foam, topped with a tiny sprinkling of sesame seeds. I dug into the rice first and was pleasantly surprised by its warm chewiness. Imagine the feeling of sinking your teeth into the most tender gummi bear. Mmmmmm. The heat of the rice was a nice contrast with the coolness of the mango. Ooooooh. So very delicious, my mouth was in heaven.

This dessert had the perfect combination of flavors, textures and temperatures. It was so perfect that I can't stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop talking about it all weekend until....

We hit the sex shops. This has become a bit of a ritual every time we visit the big, seedy city. Swear to God I have never seen so many sex toys in my life. And movies. And vinyl clothing. Some really silly stuff...purple double dildoes with bunny ears (for Easter?), remote control vibrators, oh my God, the list goes on...

?

We bought a movie and watched it when we got home. That was the first time we'd ever watched porn together. It was pretty hardcore and I missed that there was absolutely no kissing in it. In fact, it appeared that no one cared about anyone else in it. Kind of sad, really. Emotionless. It was sex, and only sex. Rob and I agreed that it would have been so much more erotic with some element of human connection.

a snoring contest?

I swear my boyfriend and my dog were in competition last night. Not for bedspace with me. I think it was a contest to see who could rattle the walls.

Usually Rob's snoring kind of lulls me to sleep, like background music. Even Snoop's snoring doesn't usually keep me up. But last night I lay in bed with the two of them going at it full throttle. MY BED WAS EVEN VIBRATING.

I got up to kick the dog out of my room, but I just couldn't do that to Rob. I resorted to earplugs, which, oddly enough, Rob uses on a regular basis. I gotta ask myself why? Is it so he doesn't wake himself up with his snoring?

I slept like shit last night, but I still love them both.