i really like this

freaky

This is getting too weird. Rob emailed me Thursday saying that he didn't sleep well the night before. He had another crazy dream about me. This one was disturbing.

He dreamed that I was throwing a party in the house where he grew up. (All his dreams lately seem to take place there.) This party was a celebration of my engagement--to Andy. And in this dream apparently I seemed very happy, but I kept trying to sneak off with Rob to a more private spot.

I felt a little creeped out when I read his email describing the dream. First of all, it would have taken place the same night I blogged about my fantasy trip to Greece where Andy and I get engaged. Are we that connected that he is tuning into my feelings, even when I try to keep them private?

Secondly, it is making me wonder if I should cut Rob loose. Maybe this is too hard, too damaging for him. And maybe I'm being a chicken here--afraid to say goodbye just in case I might want him later. Do I need to take the high road and send him off on his own to start a new life without me?

engaged not

I think life is trying to make a point with me. In the past month, two of the women I work closely with have gotten engaged.

Both times it left me feeling sad, which really isn't how I'd like to react to someone's good news. I faked happiness for their sake, of course, which any friend would do. But inside, I dropped several notches on the scale of contentedness with how-my-life-is-going. Well maybe not my entire life, per se, but for sure my relationship with Rob.

If it came right down to it, I could not say yes if Rob proposed to me now anyway. (Which is pretty ludicrous to even imagine. He is so not ready to get into anything that he doesn't have all the answers to up front.) For me, I would have to say no right now only because my daughters are not settled with everything yet. But I feel like a permanent partnership with him is the direction I've wanted and been headed for.

For Rob, there seems to be a lot more reasons why we should keep our lives separate. I'm feeling a little resentful. And maybe even thankful, because I'm starting to see him in a different light.

I lay in bed last night thinking he may not be the right one for me. It breaks my heart to actually write those words, because I've spent a long time feeling like we would be spending our lives together. I had taken many months and made a big step to allow myself to feel that way. I really was committed to making a life with him. Now to say the contrary seems like I'm actually making it official. The beginning of the end. Do I want to do this??

Yesterday I started shopping for a ring to buy Christie for her 8th grade graduation present. I tend to avoid jewelry stores, mostly because I am not an extravagant person and seldom buy jewelry for anyone. But she specifically asked for one. As I was looking at rings I found myself loving quite a few. I even tried some on for fun! I didn't find a ring for Christie during that shopping trip, but I did have a brilliant thought.

The hell with waiting for a beautiful ring as a gift. I think I'll buy myself one. And I'll wear it proudly knowing it was from someone who loves me very much. Me.