daddy dearest

So the ex (I am not going to call him Dickhead) is trying his damnedest to get Christie to live with him for the summer. Not only that, but he wants her/us to consider having her finish high school here, or stay for at least the next year while I go on to California "to get settled".

WTF?! NO WAY.

Why he is changing his tune after telling her a month ago it was ok to move if that's what she wanted...I don't know. Father guilt? He's now sorry that he didn't get to know her in the last 15 years? Is he also sorry about every time he sat glued simultaneously to the tv and the couch while she visited him? Or that he called her a c*** 3 years ago, prompting her to move out of his house permanently?

He emailed me that he needs my cooperation on this. Right. Shall we join forces to convince her that it is in her best interest to stay in this little town and live with two people (him and Maria) who fly off the handle the minute they don't get their way, and who swear like sailors when so inclined? And live 2500 miles away from her mother who she is very close to and happy with?

Should she also pass up a chance to go to a high school that specializes in film and media arts which would give her a head start on a career she really wants? Not to mention the obvious opportunities that will present themselves living in Los Angeles...

All this so that Daddy can have his way. We'll see. I suggested the 3 of us sit and discuss this situation. I never thought he'd agree to physically be in the same room with me. He hasn't even seen me in the last 3 years, maybe closer to 4. But he called me this morning and made arrangements to meet at noon tomorrow.

This'll be interesting. Christie says she's gonna puke. I say bring along a bucket. Her dad has to hear her say how she wants to go. In the past she's been too scared to say much to his face. He tends to be pretty overpowering in conversations. The only way she's gotten through to him was through text conversations and some emails. I am hoping that she will be able to be heard in person. At the very least my presence should give her courage to tell him what she wants and doesn't want.

ex-clusive expectations

I am thinking back on a conversation I had with Andy back in California. The end of my trip was nearing and I wanted to establish where our relationship stood and where we wanted it to go.

As we pulled into the parking lot of Target I thought what better time to get serious? I first told him what an amazing vacation it had been and that I loved getting to know him better and finally seeing his world. We both acknowledged that our relationship had evolved a lot in this visit.

So I asked him if he now had any expectations of me or us moving forward. He said not really, but he hoped that I would be able to move out there with him. I told him that I had no expectations of him either, other than to make smart decisions keeping our future together in mind. To me, this meant have sex if you must, but be safe while doing it and don't fall in love with anyone else. I didn't verbalize this, but I figured my words were sufficient.

Bottom line, I confirmed our status before I left California because I didn't know how I'd feel when I got back home. Well, it turns out I involuntarily committed myself to Andy right there in the parking lot of Target. I just didn't declare it in case he couldn't do the same. But I felt it. Honestly, I haven't wanted to be (intimate) with Rob since I've been back. And I can't think of anything that excites me more than living with Andy and waking up to him every day.

Six weeks later I still feel so committed to Andy, I find that my expectations have changed. I also want the status of our relationship to change--to match the way I/we feel. I want us to be exclusive partners. That may seem like a no brainer to you, but it's a big deal to me. I am rather amazed that I feel this way. But it feels good...until I let that tiny bit of fear creep in.

I hate to admit it, but I have a stupid little fear that Andy might be having sex with someone else. He's never led me to believe that. It's totally my own doing. It's the craziness that grows out of loneliness and missing him.

What nags at me is that I know he goes to his son's house a few times a week. Sometimes it turns out his son isn't home, but he stays anyway and hangs out with his ex. And she is just gorgeous--a young blonde with long flowing hair, nice boobs and full lips. I think she was a stripper when he met her. He says what a f'd up mess she is and describes their relationship more like a brother/sister thing, but still. She is beautiful and he hangs out at her house regularly. And who's to say she won't go after him again? I think she's jealous that he has someone and she doesn't.

I know I've got to get my head out of my ass. This is nuts. I've just got to ask him if he's ready to make the jump with me. I'm actually mad at myself for allowing these thoughts to get out of hand. Shame on me. Right?

to beagle or not to beagle

Pets. You can't live with 'em and you can't live without 'em.

I love my dog, but he also is a major pain in the butt. I became the reluctant owner of this runt beagle almost 9 years ago when my now 'ex' decided we needed a family dog. He did this mostly to become a hero in the eyes of our daughters, despite the fact that the one who would end up being the main caretaker (me) didn't want to take on that commitment. I knew that it would be tantamount to having another kid.

But I soon fell in love with the little rascal and took my very best care of him, as I did with my own children. And, as I expected, I was the one who fed him, walked him, cleaned up after him, and rescued him in the middle of the night when he barked so terrified of the thunder. I also protected him from the wrath of my ex who had no patience for humane training, preferring to hit the poor thing and scream at him in his own frustration. (No wonder I left him.)

When the ex and I split, we decided to share the dog just as we shared the kids. And for the first year or so that worked. Then my ex lost his job and had to sell his house. He moved to a place where he could not have a dog, so guess who got to take over full responsibility? Right. Not only did I inherit the entire burden of time and effort to take care of the dog, but the cost as well. Vet check ups, special food, and an $800 dental surgery that I just finished paying for. Oh yeah, so fair. But I'm thinking of the welfare of the dog and the poor little guy didn't ask for any of this!

As much of a burden that this whole situation is on me, this little runt is the most loyal, easy going, cutest and sweetest beagle you could ever know. He follows me everywhere (endearing and annoying at the same time) and sleeps at my feet or in the crook of my legs as I lay on my side. He has a great disposition and is dearly loved by the girls, and me.

He is absolutely and hopelessly dependent on me....to the point that he is very anxious when he is left alone after dark. When I have left him alone he races through the house working himself into a panic, barking incessantly. This has been a real problem since May as I have received notes from my neighbor that the noise is disturbing them.

I've talked to my vet, tried retraining my dog in obedience and being quiet. I even bought a crate and started getting him used to that. And I've had a lot of success, but not enough. Last weekend I had a fight with the neighbor who left me a very nasty note which really pissed me off. And he threatened to take the matter to the police next. I've already received 2 notices from the town bylaw officer, so I am seeing the writitng on the wall. The dog's got to go.

It really sucks. I admit I am kind of exhausted caring for this pup, and I know I will not be able to take him when I move next year, so it does make sense to find a new home for him. But I suffer from mother guilt. Both as 'mother' of this little dog, and towards my daughters who will have to deal with losing their pet. Ouch.

I look at his sad beagle eyes and know that he is so dependent on me. Can anyone else take care of him the way that he needs? Will they treat him with loving care or beat him into submission like my ex did? I do worry about him. But most of all I worry about what my dog will think about me. I think this thought and it hurts deep in my gut. Will he feel that I have abandoned him?

my ex is a miserable shit

I usually don't speak those words about anyone. It's just not my style. But then why does it feel so good to get that out?

Because he aggravates me, he makes me feel worthless and he believes I am a bad person out to get him and deceive him. Plus he can't carry on a conversation without accusing, interrupting and dredging up old issues. How do you ever resolve anything with that attitude? How can I ever get a word in edgewise?

I cannot stomach him. I don't know how to deal with that type of person other than staying away from them. That's what I had done for the last 4 months.

But today I called him because the family dog (Snoop) is facing some potentially expensive vet bills. I simply wanted to know what, if anything, he would be able to help with. Because it would obviously affect my decision on how to proceed with Snoop's medical issues. And I thought he would want to know what's happening with the dog. If not for the dog's sake, then at least for Maria and Christie's sake as they would be hurt the most by losing their dog.

But it ws a useless conversation beyond the fact that it confirmed that he is STILL an ass. AFTER ALMOST 4 YEARS OF SEPARATION. God help him.