ex-clusive expectations

I am thinking back on a conversation I had with Andy back in California. The end of my trip was nearing and I wanted to establish where our relationship stood and where we wanted it to go.

As we pulled into the parking lot of Target I thought what better time to get serious? I first told him what an amazing vacation it had been and that I loved getting to know him better and finally seeing his world. We both acknowledged that our relationship had evolved a lot in this visit.

So I asked him if he now had any expectations of me or us moving forward. He said not really, but he hoped that I would be able to move out there with him. I told him that I had no expectations of him either, other than to make smart decisions keeping our future together in mind. To me, this meant have sex if you must, but be safe while doing it and don't fall in love with anyone else. I didn't verbalize this, but I figured my words were sufficient.

Bottom line, I confirmed our status before I left California because I didn't know how I'd feel when I got back home. Well, it turns out I involuntarily committed myself to Andy right there in the parking lot of Target. I just didn't declare it in case he couldn't do the same. But I felt it. Honestly, I haven't wanted to be (intimate) with Rob since I've been back. And I can't think of anything that excites me more than living with Andy and waking up to him every day.

Six weeks later I still feel so committed to Andy, I find that my expectations have changed. I also want the status of our relationship to change--to match the way I/we feel. I want us to be exclusive partners. That may seem like a no brainer to you, but it's a big deal to me. I am rather amazed that I feel this way. But it feels good...until I let that tiny bit of fear creep in.

I hate to admit it, but I have a stupid little fear that Andy might be having sex with someone else. He's never led me to believe that. It's totally my own doing. It's the craziness that grows out of loneliness and missing him.

What nags at me is that I know he goes to his son's house a few times a week. Sometimes it turns out his son isn't home, but he stays anyway and hangs out with his ex. And she is just gorgeous--a young blonde with long flowing hair, nice boobs and full lips. I think she was a stripper when he met her. He says what a f'd up mess she is and describes their relationship more like a brother/sister thing, but still. She is beautiful and he hangs out at her house regularly. And who's to say she won't go after him again? I think she's jealous that he has someone and she doesn't.

I know I've got to get my head out of my ass. This is nuts. I've just got to ask him if he's ready to make the jump with me. I'm actually mad at myself for allowing these thoughts to get out of hand. Shame on me. Right?

I did it

I'd been waiting for the conversation to come up for weeks. I'd been thinking about doing it for months, but needed to test my feelings a while longer. Last night it finally happened.

It was last August when I had that painful conversation with Rob. I levelled with him about my need to explore more options, more relationships. I'd been separated about a year and a half and had only had 2 real relationships (Cam and him) since my split. My feelings for him had grown so strong that it scared me in a way. I felt inclined to back off a little and to test the relationship. Was I really seeing this straight? And although he was wonderful in so many ways, there were still a few characteristics I felt I wanted in a partner that he simply could not provide.

There was a 3rd issue that needed attention too. My previous relationship with Cam was still wreaking some havoc with my mind and emotions. I was unsettled with how that had ended and wasn't sure if that door was completely closed or not. Regardless, I knew I had to take care of that for once and for all. In fact, it was Rob who encouraged me to do whatever I needed to in order to come to terms with Cam. And I did, but that's another long story deserving of its own post (or 7).

Looking back, Rob and I had spent more quality time together than in any relationship before. Our history was rich and we'd been completely honest about everything right from the start. We had a very strong foundation that had started as a friendship and grown into a deep, romantic bond. The sex was mind-blowing to the point where we'd enter a new dimension once our bodies touched. It was bliss. The hours we spent talking and touching...we were in our own world.

But when we were apart, I'd get a gnawing feeling. Something was telling me that I had something more to experience outside this relationship. So we tried to break up in order for me to fulfill this need. I tried to spend more time alone at home, sleeping solo, not talking to Rob everyday (sometime for days), not seeing him. I think I could have handled it longer had he not stopped by one day when he saw me in my front yard as he was driving by. He stood in my driveway like a lost soul, tears in his eyes, saying I can't do this. I just had to see you.

And so our relationship evolved into "dating" each other with the understanding that we could also date others; however, we would be sexually exclusive. If either of us got involved with someone else and thought we might want to become intimate with that person, we agreed we'd have a new discussion.

And so we never had to have that discussion. The only other date I had was my time spent with Lee. See Part I and Part II of the Lee story. That experience left me feeling stronger about my bond with Rob. Rob is so real. He pretends nothing. He's not all that polished and glamorous and wordly. But when I'm alone with him he treats me like a goddess, he adores me and he knows exactly what to do to reach my heart. He's genuine. Rob is everything good.

Since my escapade with Lee there have been no other men. And I've not desired anyone. However my desire for Rob remained alive and kickin'. About every month or two the conversation would come up about the state of our relationship. Basically he wanted to know what I was thinking and feeling, and if I was ready to commit. That is what he wanted, but he would not ask for it. He understood I needed to arrive there completely on my own.

It's not that I didn't want to give him all my love, and my future, but I was afraid that someday I might change my mind again. If I committed, I wanted it to be my final decision. I needed to be sure that I'd not have to do that to him ever again. That's not who I wanted to be, nor could I bear the thought of dragging him through that pain again. So I declined the commitment time and time again and just kept on loving him.

Anyone who's followed my blog knows my feelings for Rob and that I've even been fantasizing about spending the rest of my life with him. What I've learned in the last few months--with my boss/friend's illness, my stressful work situation, challenges with my daughter Maria--is that Rob is a very healing person for me. He has stuck by me in times of personal crisis, when there was seemingly little in it for him. He allowed me the freedom to explore other relationships whereas any other guy would have said get lost and run the other way.

I believe that Rob loves me more than anyone else on this planet. Life is too short to putz around with superficial people or things. When you watch a friend suffer, almost die, you see life much more clearly. You realize that true love and companionship are so important. They're just about all that matters when it comes down to it.

Not a day goes by that I don't appreciate the love around me. Rob is love. He's never been anything else. I am the one who's been unsure of who I am and what I want. Until now. Now I know. I committed to Rob last night. I told him that I want him, and only him.

He did not jump for joy. In fact he made a joke about the gun law, which at first I didn't get. Then I realized it was about giving me 2 weeks to be sure I really wanted this. I told him I didn't need 2 weeks, that I'd been thinking about this for months.

His reaction was disappointing. I would have preferred him wrapping his arms around me and telling me how much he loves me. But I understand that from his point of view, he is a bit gun shy (sorry, the pun just fell into place there). It will take some time for him to trust and feel secure in this relationship again to the point that he and I can start talking about our future together.