to live or not to live...together

As I sit and watch Andy paint over Skype, I think I can't wait to live with him. I watch the muscles of his forearm flex as he paints and he looks so sexy when he's concentrating, standing back from the painting with the brush between his teeth. When I live with him, I can do more than just look. I can touch too!

From where I sit, everything he does is adorable. I am easily caught up in the idea of living together. To have him close every morning and night. To make meals together, go places together and laugh so hard my abs get sore. He'll make us happy--Christie and me.

And then my brain kicks in and I feel afraid. It's been 3 years since I've lived with a man. What if I've forgotten all the reasons that I shouldn't do it? Will I miss my alone time? Will his messes annoy me? Will his lovemaking be good enough? Will he be financially responsible? Will he do something that completely shocks me (in a bad way)?

The struggle between my heart and my brain can only be quelled by one thing (well maybe two...sex is always a remedy). Something my mother once told me when I couldn't choose between two juicy job offers made a lot of sense to me then, and it still does today. I wondered why I hadn't thought of it before: Nothing has to be forever.

Ah, the art of changing your mind. It's every woman's prerogative, right? However, moving oneself and one's teenage daughter 2000 miles away comes with a fair bit of risk. It's not like I can just shoot back home if things don't work out. Thinking about it kind of boggles my mind at times. Other times, I think what the hell, go for the adventure!

The truth is, I'm a long way from a decision. Maybe next week...HA!

I did it

I'd been waiting for the conversation to come up for weeks. I'd been thinking about doing it for months, but needed to test my feelings a while longer. Last night it finally happened.

It was last August when I had that painful conversation with Rob. I levelled with him about my need to explore more options, more relationships. I'd been separated about a year and a half and had only had 2 real relationships (Cam and him) since my split. My feelings for him had grown so strong that it scared me in a way. I felt inclined to back off a little and to test the relationship. Was I really seeing this straight? And although he was wonderful in so many ways, there were still a few characteristics I felt I wanted in a partner that he simply could not provide.

There was a 3rd issue that needed attention too. My previous relationship with Cam was still wreaking some havoc with my mind and emotions. I was unsettled with how that had ended and wasn't sure if that door was completely closed or not. Regardless, I knew I had to take care of that for once and for all. In fact, it was Rob who encouraged me to do whatever I needed to in order to come to terms with Cam. And I did, but that's another long story deserving of its own post (or 7).

Looking back, Rob and I had spent more quality time together than in any relationship before. Our history was rich and we'd been completely honest about everything right from the start. We had a very strong foundation that had started as a friendship and grown into a deep, romantic bond. The sex was mind-blowing to the point where we'd enter a new dimension once our bodies touched. It was bliss. The hours we spent talking and touching...we were in our own world.

But when we were apart, I'd get a gnawing feeling. Something was telling me that I had something more to experience outside this relationship. So we tried to break up in order for me to fulfill this need. I tried to spend more time alone at home, sleeping solo, not talking to Rob everyday (sometime for days), not seeing him. I think I could have handled it longer had he not stopped by one day when he saw me in my front yard as he was driving by. He stood in my driveway like a lost soul, tears in his eyes, saying I can't do this. I just had to see you.

And so our relationship evolved into "dating" each other with the understanding that we could also date others; however, we would be sexually exclusive. If either of us got involved with someone else and thought we might want to become intimate with that person, we agreed we'd have a new discussion.

And so we never had to have that discussion. The only other date I had was my time spent with Lee. See Part I and Part II of the Lee story. That experience left me feeling stronger about my bond with Rob. Rob is so real. He pretends nothing. He's not all that polished and glamorous and wordly. But when I'm alone with him he treats me like a goddess, he adores me and he knows exactly what to do to reach my heart. He's genuine. Rob is everything good.

Since my escapade with Lee there have been no other men. And I've not desired anyone. However my desire for Rob remained alive and kickin'. About every month or two the conversation would come up about the state of our relationship. Basically he wanted to know what I was thinking and feeling, and if I was ready to commit. That is what he wanted, but he would not ask for it. He understood I needed to arrive there completely on my own.

It's not that I didn't want to give him all my love, and my future, but I was afraid that someday I might change my mind again. If I committed, I wanted it to be my final decision. I needed to be sure that I'd not have to do that to him ever again. That's not who I wanted to be, nor could I bear the thought of dragging him through that pain again. So I declined the commitment time and time again and just kept on loving him.

Anyone who's followed my blog knows my feelings for Rob and that I've even been fantasizing about spending the rest of my life with him. What I've learned in the last few months--with my boss/friend's illness, my stressful work situation, challenges with my daughter Maria--is that Rob is a very healing person for me. He has stuck by me in times of personal crisis, when there was seemingly little in it for him. He allowed me the freedom to explore other relationships whereas any other guy would have said get lost and run the other way.

I believe that Rob loves me more than anyone else on this planet. Life is too short to putz around with superficial people or things. When you watch a friend suffer, almost die, you see life much more clearly. You realize that true love and companionship are so important. They're just about all that matters when it comes down to it.

Not a day goes by that I don't appreciate the love around me. Rob is love. He's never been anything else. I am the one who's been unsure of who I am and what I want. Until now. Now I know. I committed to Rob last night. I told him that I want him, and only him.

He did not jump for joy. In fact he made a joke about the gun law, which at first I didn't get. Then I realized it was about giving me 2 weeks to be sure I really wanted this. I told him I didn't need 2 weeks, that I'd been thinking about this for months.

His reaction was disappointing. I would have preferred him wrapping his arms around me and telling me how much he loves me. But I understand that from his point of view, he is a bit gun shy (sorry, the pun just fell into place there). It will take some time for him to trust and feel secure in this relationship again to the point that he and I can start talking about our future together.

pondering marriage

In the past couple months I find myself thinking about being married again. Nothing wrong with thinking about it. There are a bunch of reasons why I can't actually do it for a few years, so no need to draw a conclusion yet, right?

Well, right. Except that I spend hours upon hours fixated on it. For some odd reason my mind likes to go there. After my separation less than 2 years ago, still feeling and reeling from the bitter sting of it all, I thought I'd never want or need to get married again. And I proudly said so, to my friends, and to Cam and Rob, both who were in my life at the time. In fact they both said the same, having gone through their own marriage breakdowns. But as time passed, I realized there were things I really like about being married.

I realized I wanted to have someone I could call husband, and to be someone's wife. In a state of love, those terms represent something beautiful. I wanted to take care of someone and have him want to take care of me. To feel so emotionally bonded to a person, I feel like I want to declare our love beyond just the 2 of us. And it's not the legal papers I want, because I don't believe that's worth anything. If you're not married in your hearts, no piece of paper can make it so. And I can't say it's a wedding I want either. I want just a private declaration of our love and intent, in any of God's churches, whether it be in the middle of the woods, the edge of the mighty ocean, or under the desert sky.

So why am I struggling with this? Well, Rob knows I've changed my mind about banishing marriage forever. But he has no idea how much time I spend thinking about it lately. I look into his eyes night after night and imagine him asking me to marry him, but I don't say a single word about it. I feel like I'm hiding something from him. And that feels wrong. It's not what our relationship has been about. Our openness has been one of our best strengths.

And why can't I open up to him about this? Because it's messy.

Basically, he doesn't even have my exclusive commitment in this relationship. You have to understand our history. FLASHBACK: We started out as friends when I separated and I was in love with Cam. (And you can't underestimate the intensity and depth of my relationship with Cam. We had gone out for a year in our teens, then off and on for a few years till he moved away and we both found marriage elsewhere. We kept in touch for a while but I eventually broke it off, which made him very sad. Because although he was married, he said I was still the love of his life. When I separated in '06, he coincidentally did too, and we reconnected in a very powerful way. We reunited in a 4 day tryst after 19 years apart. It was an incredibly spiritual experience. We were very much in love, but he lived 3,000 miles away. After endless hours, days, months of gmail chats and phone calls we realized we had to help each other find love elsewhere. But it still was soooo hard to let go of the greatest love I ever had.)

Back to Rob. Rob was patient and loving from the very beginning, and long story short, I fell in love with him (too). So Rob was surprised when I finally did give him my commitment in the relationship. I'd said goodbye to Cam as my boyfriend. Rob & I went on for 6 months like this, then I started to feel like I wasn't allowing myself time and space to find what/who I really wanted. I thought it was too soon after my marriage ended to have made another commitment. With Rob's understanding I started to date. I still dated him (we were sexually exclusive) but saw someone else too. It took its toll on Rob and after a month of watching what it was doing to him, I gave it up and we became exclusive again. That was September '07. And we had good times and good love aplenty after that.

Fast forward to this past August (08) when I waffled again. I broke up with Rob, so to speak. There were things I felt I wanted to explore that Rob couldn't give me. (This is when Lee came to visit and I had my little adventure with the big shot from the big city.) I also needed to clean up loose ends with Cam. He haunted my soul and I needed to know his feelings for me, for once and for all. I laid all my cards on the table with Cam during one Sunday afternoon phone call, told him what I felt for him and asked him to move here and be with me. He said he couldn't. Surprisingly, I wasn't heartbroken. I felt like I finally had a valid reason to let go. And I've done pretty well with that.

But there was still the issue of my need to experience the things that Rob couldn't give me. We discussed the reasons why, ad nauseum, but he desperately wanted to understand me. He let me go, or at least he tried. I was rather amazed at the depth of his emotion when faced with losing me. Since then, I have realized that that man loves me more than anyone else in this world does. And I truly believe that he always will. I haven't seen anyone since Lee. I haven't wanted to. I've grown very close to Rob. Closer than ever. He's good for me, good for my health, my happiness and sanity.

Every once in a while he'll bring up the relationship issue and ask me where I'm at. Ideally he would like a commitment from me, but only when I'm ready. The last thing he'd want is to coerce one out of me. No victory in that. But I have been too scared to commit. I know you're thinking, how wacky is that???!!! She wants to marry the guy, but she can't give him a commitment to go steady, for God's sake. You know why I can't? I'm scared to let him down. I'm scared to ever need to change my mind again. I just can't bear the thought of doing that to him. I want to be sure, I want to be right, I want to be able to stick with him forever.

So beyond all these lovely and wacky thoughts I have to ask myself, am I really ready for this? I think probably not, especially when there is no pressure to make a decision. I think I still need to clean out the cobwebs lingering from Cam. I have some issues there and I'll likely be using this blog to heal the wounds. Rob's not the answer to everything, but I do love him so. He is ALL THINGS GOOD.

I still haven't picked out a laptop for my Christmas present. I think it's because I really want a ring. What the hell should I do? What about Cam, will he ever be completely gone?