for love or money?

So I decided to spend the day with my older daughter Maria. Here it was a holiday, no work for me, and she had no school. I could have done something completely for myself, but I thought it would be a nice opportunity to spend some quality time with Maria. Our relationship has been challenging from the beginning, but especially in the last few years since her dad and I split. She blames me for everything that's wrong in her life, and in her dad's.

Maria was agreeable to spending the day together since I was planning on going to visit my mom, an hour's drive to a larger city, with better shopping. Did I mention that shopping is Maria's favorite pasttime? Maria said she wanted to check out a prom dress she'd seen online. Did I also mention that she does not have a job? After I made it clear that I had about $70 to contribute towards a dress, she seemed to understand that she may not be able to buy one today, but was still willing to go look. She did have some money of her own that she'd recently earned babysitting. Did I also mention that she still owes me $150 that she borrowed to buy Christmas presents?

Now, granted, I don't generally have money issues. But I sort of do, in that I am somewhat frugal. And I do believe that kids should not be handed money for everything they want or they will never be inspired to work or to value the things they do have. PLUS, I am now a single mom, completely responsible for ensuring that I have enough funds to provide the essentials for my children and myself. A prom dress at $300 does not fall into the essential category. However, to my daughter, it does.

OK, so we're at the store and she finds a dress that looks stunning on her (which is not difficult because she's simply beautiful). But the friggin thing is like $300. I realize it's a bit better quality than previous dresses she's worn. (Did I mention that she's been to every prom and every semi-formal and spring dance since she started high school 4 years ago, and has had to have a new dress for all but maybe 2 of them which she decided to borrow from a friend?) And yes, the dress is beautiful on her. I wanted her to have it.

But I had a budget. And she had some cash. So, I agree to hand over my cash and even a little more if she can get a commitment from her dad to cover the remainder. She assures me he will commit. But when she talks to him on her cell, he says sorry, I just don't have the money.

So who's the bad guy? Me, of course!

We leave the mall and go to my mom's where Maria proceeds to sit on the couch with her coat on, not saying a word. I'm thinking, she's acting like a 2 yr old. I thought we'd covered this whole situation before we left the house and here we are, she's trying to manipulate me into buying her that dress. And of course, now I'm pissed.

But I continue to chat with my mother who I see only once or twice a month. Everytime Mom leaves the room, Maria asks can we go now? And I say no. Well, a lovely visit that turned out to be.

Eventually we leave, and it's a long, quiet ride home. Maria won't talk to me. I know it's not really about the money. What she's angry about runs so much deeper than that--something we've talked about so many times but cannot solve because she is not ready to let go of her anger. But money is the easy excuse.

I am driving along feeling mad, sad, disappointed, cheated, exhausted and fearful this cycle will never end. I truly feel for her, what it must be like to be denied a beautiful dress, and to feel like she has no control over getting it. But her behavior is inexcusable. I want to tell her I WILL NOT BUY YOUR LOVE. I will not be treated like this. You're only nice when you want something from me. That's not how I raised you. And I am angry at you for playing this game.

There was no thank you when I dropped her off at her boyfriend's house. I went home and I cried.