dance of passion

Baryshnikov is such a beautiful man. I never forgot this incredible dance from the first time I saw it. It moved me way back in '85 when I barely knew the meaning of passion myself. Now I can only imagine what Baryshnikov must have been like in bed.

thankful

As shitty as things can get, through the highs and the lows and the everyday things we all take for granted, there's always plenty to be thankful for. I believe there's no better way to get more of the good than to recognize it though gratitude.

Here are some specific gifts that have presented themselves to me this year.

A FRIEND'S RECOVERY - My (former) boss and good friend beat cancer without having to go through chemo. He'd almost died twice while in the hospital. Not only did he conquer cancer, but he is feeling great and living life on his own terms. Woo-hoo!

PEACE - My house found peace once more. My oldest daughter Maria moved to her dad's in April. At first it was difficult to see it as anything other than a failure in parenting. But once my tears dried and the dust settled, Christie (my youngest) and I started feeling more comfortable, free and relaxed in our home. Also the distance between Maria and us allowed us to appreciate each other and develop new habits in our relationship. Maria is doing well.

CLARITY - I realized what I want in a relationship and for my life, in general. I also realized that it's not going to happen with Rob. I was able to tell him that and move forward.

INDEPENDENCE - My ex lost his job which meant that all child support payments stopped. I panicked at first, but somehow I'm making ends meet on my own. I love not needing him for anything. And I mean anything!

one shitty day

I should've known from the start it was gonna be a challenging day. Or maybe I decided it would be, and so it was.

I had gone to sleep last night thinking about work (overflow stress from the day). I proceeded to dream about work a few times during the night. Even the alarm woke me from a dream that I was trying to catch a subway train to my next destination, but missed it by a few seconds. I woke up tired as if I'd been working all night too.

Today work wasn't so bad really. It was manageable. My sister called me to ask if I knew what had happened to our dad. Apparently he got moved from the physical therapy center back to the hospital. She called the hospital and couldn't get any information because my uncle is the only proxy on file. That's all fine and dandy except that he, my uncle, is 85 and dying of bone cancer, recovering at home from some chemo gone bad. (Yes, we finally found out what's wrong with him.)

So, my sister had to call my uncle to find out what's going on with our father. He's been admitted to the psych ward because he had a reaction to the anti-anxiety drug they gave him. Oh shit, back on those again...that's how he ended up in the hospital in the first place! And to top it off, when my sister asked my uncle if she could help with some of Dad's care and making medical decisions, my uncle said, Oh no, we're handling that just fine. Like hell you are.

I also talked to Andy, but our conversation was a bit flat. Maybe because I woke him up and he was a bit hungover. Or maybe because I am getting annoyed that he still hasn't responded about what he wants in a relationship. I stewed on that all the way home in my car, so I betcha that's it.

I got home and the fact that my dog was following me everywhere was really annoying me. Get a life, for God's sake! (I'm so mean.) Christie was starving, and she reminded me several times as I raced around the kitchen trying to put together a Greek pizza. Meanwhile she's laying on the couch watching tv. That was annoying too.

And she asked if her boyfriend could come over tomorrow night. I said yes. Then she added Could you please not have Rob over then? I thought this was strange. I asked why. She didn't want to say, but eventually she got annoyed with ME for asking 3 times, and said Because I don't like him and I don't want Brad to meet him. That was REALLY annoying.

The clincher was eating dinner. My beautiful Greek pizza got picked apart until it was nothing but pizza dough and feta cheese. At the side of Christie's plate was a pile of red peppers, onions, spinach, kalamata olives, chicken breast...basically all the healthy stuff I'd put on it.

I packed it up and went upstairs to my room, fired up my laptop and now I'm ranting to y'all. I feel better already.

my cup runneth over

Oh boy. I mean, oh men. I feel like I've really got my hands full.

It's been a challenge this last week since Rob made the casual suggestion that I move in with him. It brought my emotion back to the surface (which I've struggled to keep in check) and we ended up spending quite a few nights together which in turn brought us closer.

Meanwhile Andy's in LA, not responding to my request for what he wants in a relationship, and being somewhat distant emotionally due to upcoming projects on his mind. So I let that cool for a few days. Till today. Then the tables turned.

Andy and I had a Skype call in which he was very attentive and brought back my smile (but still no list). While I'm Skyping with Andy, Rob calls on the phone, wanting to know when I'll be ready for "company". I told him I was just finishing up a call and then I'd be free. Later that night as we were falling asleep he told me that my comment about finishing up the call was a real jolt. He had almost forgotten about my thing with Andy and had hoped I had too. (NOT.) He feels that if we spend time together and share such closeness that it seems like I am all his again.

The truth is, that oftentimes when I am with Rob, I am completely into him. But when I am away from him for a bunch of hours, or especially days, I think less and less about him. My mind wanders to other activities, and love interests. It's always been that way with Rob, and I thought it was a sign that he was not the one. I hate to admit it, but it's true.

So, lots of heavy conversation ensued, and we came around to the same place we always do. He decides to think positive, stay in the moment and enjoy me while he has me. He stated once again--we are friends and lovers. Curious enough though, he is still talking about me moving in. And I got a little sucked into that fantasy over the last couple days.

Today at work I answered my phone. The first words I hear are I miss you so much oozing with sincerity and a little desperation. It was Andy. He proceeded to tell me how he had to tell another close friend all about me last night, how great it is to have me for a girlfriend, how good I make him feel. And how much it feels like it's getting closer to reality. He also said that he has to make the trip to me happen...soon.

Andy left me thinking of nothing (and no one) else the rest of the workday. He does that. He waltzes in and completely rocks my world. And apparently I rock his too.

On my 45-minute drive home I couldn't help but wonder if I am truly blessed or completely nuts for getting into this situation. And it's not even the first time. I have a history of being in love with 2 men at once. Why do I do this? I'm happy to have them, but I am scared of hurting them. The stakes are higher than I anticipated. They are both in love with me.

And by the way, no list from Andy yet.

what i need in a man

I gave Andy a task today. I asked him to give some thought to what he needs in a relationship. He has never voiced any of his needs, only his wants and dreams and lots of beautiful imaginary visions of us together. Which is wonderful, but...

Lately I have wondered if he really knows what he wants out of a relationship, or if he ever gives it any thought. So I asked him to get back to me on it. And I told him I'd do the same for him. At the very least it will help speed up this getting-to-know-you stage.

All day long I've been trying to encapsulate what it is that I want in a partner into a few simple words. Not so easy. But I'll give it a whirl here in blogland.

What I need in a partner:

• someone who can go deep with me - emotionally, mentally, spiritually - and challenge me
• someone who has a genuine interest in finding out who I really am
• honesty with a constant desire to keep it real between us
• to be adored
• a protector - stick up for me, hold me during scary movies, give me a kidney, whatever
• a kind, open-minded, upbeat, non-judgmental person
• a great lover who can be sweet, strong and an insatiable animal all in the same night
• someone who loves to touch me
• respectful of me and others
• loyal and dedicated to family, and to me
• someone who has had children
• accepting of my children
• non-smoker, in fact, not addicted to anything except me
• trusting enough to open up to me
• a confident man, but humble and imperfect
• dependable and responsible
• good sense of humor!
• healthy lifestyle
• someone with passion and a purpose
• someone I can learn from and grow with

And here are a few things that are extremely nice to have in a partner:

• good to look at
• common interests
• quality time together
• unjaded, able to love and trust freely
• money
• living close, or better yet, together
• someone as clean as I am
• intelligence
• patience
• a handy guy who will look out for me and my car/furnace/plumbing
• someone with good taste
• great communicator
• someone who knows me better than I know myself

bittersweet invitation

You know what? I could kind of strangle Rob right now. I'm a mixed bag of emotions.

In the midst of a casual conversation yesterday Rob suggested that I move in with him. That's right, me, my daughter and my dog (I presume) pack up and move into his house. Can you fuckin believe it?

I don't know whether to laugh, cry or hit him over the head with a frying pan.

It mostly makes me sad. Sad that he got the idea about 6 months too late. Sad that he finally feels that way and I don't. Sad that he is putting himself in such a precarious position knowing that I am in a relationship with another man. Is this a last ditch attempt at winning me back? Is he that out of touch with my reality that he thinks I would jump at his offer?

It was only 5 months ago he said he didn't want to come home to a teenager lying on the couch and crumbs on the kitchen counter. Is it because he soon realized his teenage son would be coming to live with him and so he might as well put up with my kid if he has to put up with his own? That seems a little too obvious. Though I must admit he doesn't have a mean or deceptive bone in his body.

I am touched and (only slightly) confused. A minute part of me wants to live out the dream, if only for a few moments--to feel what it would be like to take that all in, to let the dream unfold, to feel that loved by someone and that hopeful for a future with him. Not to mention how utterly convenient it would be for my finances.

But life over the last few months has led me to believe that I need and deserve a bigger life than this. I need to achieve more which means I must explore beyond the boundaries of this little town and the little man with the big, big love. It's not time for me to settle down with him, not now, and maybe never. I feel bad for him.

his body was mine

I had the most amazing sexual experience. I was in Rob's bed a couple nights ago. We were kissing and touching naked under the covers (my favorite cold weather activity).

I suddenly had a great idea. I asked him to lie on top of me, his back to my front. He was kind of heavy, but he's really not that much heavier than me, plus he's shorter, so our bodies lined up nicely. I was able to stay in that position for awhile...and let's just say I had really good access to all the right stuff.

Now if you don't know much about me, you must at least know by now that I adore the male body. I love it so much that I am unable to choose only one favorite part. I am obsessed with everything from armpits to the trail of hair down the stomach, not to mention balls, nipples, thighs and butts. Basically, everything male. And I've been told I handle myself quite capably when it comes to a man's body. It's been my passion for decades.

So, back to my great idea. Rob climbed on top and I immediately wrapped my arms around the front of him and ran my hands over his hard chest, down his stomach and beyond. I grabbed his cock with my right hand and jerked it without any hesitation, knowing exactly what was needed from second to second. My left hand ran from his nipple to his stomach and down to his balls. I closed my eyes and I felt for those moments as if his body was my own.

It was beautiful and sensual and hot. And he LOVED it.

pre-sex prep

I have to have the sex talk with Andy and I'm a little nervous about it. For 3 months we've talked about how much we want to be intimate with each other. And with the help of technology, we've experienced some intimacy in the virtual world. I guess you could say we've been exercising the ultimate form of safe sex.

But safe sex is a conversation we need to have soon because Andy mentioned he might be coming to visit me in January. We have already agreed we would use condoms for intercourse, but then there's the case of oral sex, something neither of us is willing to go without.

I'm afraid I'm going to offend him by asking him to be tested for STDs. I'm trying to decide on the best approach because my health is not something I'm willing to risk. We have not talked about our sexual history, but he does know that I have sex with Rob. But I don't know much at all about his past...or present, though I don't see how he'd have much time for sex since we're Skyping non-stop.

So what do you think of this plan? I will tell him that I have never been tested for anything, but I am willing to. I was married for 19 years to a man who I believe was faithful. And since then I have only slept with 2 men, both who I am sure were no risk at all. (Cam was just out of a 20 year marriage, and Rob was in the habit of being tested after every sexual relationship he had.)

What I do need to disclose is that I had/have HPV--human papilloma virus. (I'm not sure it ever leaves once you contract it.) I got it from my dear cheating boyfriend when I was 19. At that time they didn't know much about HPV. I just got treated for those gross warts that appear in places you don't want to know about, and I thought that was the end of it.

Twenty years later when a pap revealed I had pre-cancerous cells on my cervix, HPV was just coming to the forefront. My doctor said my pre-cervical cancer was the result of HPV I'd had earlier. They were just starting to learn more about HPV and the vaccine was being advertised all over the place.

Apparently there are many different strains. At this point there is no test for men to determine whether they have HPV, so we do not conclusively know if Rob has caught it from me or not. Men can go forever without symptoms and only be carriers. So this is a potential risk to Andy and I need to tell him.

I figure that honesty is always the best policy. I just hope his fear of needles and the cost involved with the blood tests due to his lack of decent health insurance don't deter him from having them, and even more scary...from coming to see me.

how much money would it take?

There are a bunch of things that I say I would do "if only I had the money". Well, I put myself to the challenge to figure out what it would take to get me to actually do these things.

• Take 2 weeks off to take my mother on her dream trip to the Amalfi Coast of Italy - $15,000
• Fly to Los Angeles to visit Andy for a week - $500 if I had the vacation time, $1500 if I didn't.
• Get my dog's rotten teeth pulled - $1000
• Redecorate my bedroom, including new carpet to replace the 1995 rose-colored carpet throughout my whole upstairs and stairway - $10,000

And then I wondered, really, how motivated am I by money itself? I mean, are there things that I would do for money even if I didn't like to do them? Here are a few considerations:

• Invite my invalid father to live with me - $2000/month (no promises!)
• Drive a transport truck for a living - $300,000/yr. Make that $500,000/yr.
• Have protected sex with an ok-looking stranger - $500
• Have unprotected sex with a really hot stranger - I'd like to say I would not do this
• Abstain from all forms of sex for a month - $1,000 (one time only, not sure I would survive it)
• Go to work one day with no makeup at all - $500 (ok, I'm a little vain)
  
  Interesting exercise.

the good deed doer

Part of the reason I have given up a chunk of my time with Rob is that I have a handful of fairly needy family members right now.

Last weekend I visited my dad in the hospital where it appears he will live the rest of his days. I spent an hour or so making conversation and trying to make his day. Our lives are worlds apart with little in common besides our blood (and nice feet). But he is my father and it feels good to visit him every couple weeks, hopefully adding some brightness to his dismal existence.

After seeing Dad, I went to visit my uncle in the apartment where he lives/lived with my dad. My uncle is now in his 80s and hooked up to oxygen 24/7. I know it's been difficult for him to even walk across a room, let alone clean or cook, so I offered to help him out for a couple hours. And what did he want me to do to help him out?

Wash and iron his shirts.

He's always been the Felix Unger type. Anal, somewhat controlling. In fact I always suspected he was gay, not that I cared. Anyway, so he sat in a chair and I held up his shirts one by one as he decided whether or not they needed washing. Turns out 22 of them did. I packed them up to take them home.

Then I got him some breakfast. I couldn't bear the thought of him taking a half hour to walk to the kitchen , resting 3 times on the way, only to pour himself a bowl of cereal (12 wheat squares please) and a glass (8 oz please) of orange juice (shake the carton first please). I was happy to help.

While he ate I got my bucket of cleaning stuff out of my trunk and went to town on their bathroom. God helped me, of that I am sure. Now I know I am going to heaven...I have earned it. I scrubbed while holding my breath for over an hour. Plus I broke a sweat! But I did it. I was happy to help. Lord knows that bathroom has never been cleaner. And probably never will be.

I said goodbye to my uncle. He was very thankful. I was very thankful to have the chance to help him out.

I went home and washed those shirts, then I ironed them one by one. I couldn't stop thinking the whole time that my uncle would not have the chance to even wear those shirts. But I pressed them and buttoned the collars, and hung them one by one. I was happy to help.

a kid named skype?

I confess, I love technology. Well, the type of technology that brings loved ones together in a virtual world where they can see and hear each other...for free! Holy shit, this is great stuff.

Andy and I both downloaded Skype and discovered we can not only talk, but LOOK AT EACH OTHER in real time, without paying a friggin cent. This comes a couple weeks after he received a mega phone bill for his long distance calls to me. The sound is better than our phones and the video streams perfectly.

We've been hungry for the sight of each other since August 1, 2009. I think the first night we stared at each other for 2 hours straight. We knew how weird that was, but we did it anyway.

In honor of our great discovery Andy said hey let's have a kid and name it Skype! Sure, honey. So tell me, when will technology let me touch, taste and smell Andy all those miles away? C'mon, c'mon...