Sunday, March 29, 2009

finally, a laptop!


Hopefully the indecision ends here. I finally bought a friggin laptop. The flyer from Future Shop came with a "final clearance" on the laptop I'd been eyeing since December. So I hauled myself over there and grilled the handsome young sales guy until I was completely convinced that I was choosing the right one.

And now I sit here from the privacy of my bedroom--no young roving eyes peeking into their mother's online antics and no wrestling the 13-yr-old MSN addict for computer time. Woo-hoo! I love the nice wide screen and resolution, even the soft clicking of the keys.

Since my purchase was somewhat spontaneous (after 3 months of contemplation) I didn't tell Rob about it till that night. As this had been the intended Christmas gift from him to me, I think that by buying it I've gotten myself into more of a pickle. You and I both know I'd decided long ago that I wanted something more sparkly and meaningful from him than a laptop, but he had not a clue! I'd just been letting it slide over the last few months hoping he'd read my mind, I guess.

So basically I robbed my Rob of the chance to give me the laptop as a gift. He certainly wasn't going to hand me cash or go to the bank and pay off my credit card. So I felt a little guilty, but then I didn't. Now he's reconsidering what he can give me for Christmas (2008). It was our first attempt at exchanging gifts, a ritual he doesn't believe in, but I convinced him it would be fun. Oops...
He suggested maybe he'd pay for the trip we're taking this weekend, as a gift. We're staying overnight Saturday in a nearby city and going to a concert there Sunday afternoon. I'm sure it'll be fun.

It doesn't sparkle, but what the hell. Gotta let the guy off the hook.

Friday, March 27, 2009

the love of a mother

Earlier this week I got one of those emails with a string of photos, some funny, some breathtakingly beautiful, some moving. When I scrolled down to see this one, I immediately felt a gush of emotion. How about you?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

mystery bird

Funniest thing happened today. I met my old boss/friend for lunch today (you know, the one's who's recovering from cancer).

We met at a little restaurant named after a rooster. And I must say there were hundreds of roosters surrounding us as we ate--paintings on the wall, clocks, figurines, even a giant rooster puzzle that had been mounted and framed. I ordered a chicken club sandwich for lunch. No, that's not the funny part.

As I'm pulling out of the parking lot getting ready to turn onto the main road, a huge bird flies directly in front of my car.
What the h%ll??? It happened so fast and I was really caught off guard, so I don't know which one of these it was.
But it certainly wasn't a rooster.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

more lee to come

It was confirmed today that Lee is coming back to town in a few weeks. He will be coming on business. And since our business paths will cross, I will definitely see him. In fact, I will be having dinner with him. And his business associate. This was arranged without my intervention. The other staff that should be entertaining Lee and his associate that evening simply are not available, so they booked me.

This is fine. I no longer feel the need to explore my options with Lee, as gorgeous and single as he is. My heart is committed to Rob now. So I won't be struggling with the urge to sip whiskey with him in his hotel room all night.

The only awkward thing is that Lee and I have never had a conversation about my new status since he was last here in October. At some point before his arrival I need to let him I know I am in a relationship. And I'll have to cut down on the flirting.

And then, of course, I should share this news with Rob. He's a little sensitive about the Lee issue. But I figure this is a chance to show Rob that I have changed. I'll have dinner with Lee and guest, then come home to Rob and ravage his hard body. It's very simple. Right?

Ah, things could be much worse. It could be Cam.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

better than a paycheck

The photo shoot was a whopping success. I'm not only talking about the 12 new shots we mastered. Or the two days spent in a little paradise retreat in the middle of nowhere. Or the unseasonally warm temperatures that allowed us to take a stroll in the sunshine between shots. Or the fine cuisine we were served (I've never before seen a dinner bill for $450--thank God I didn't have to pay). Or the breathtaking views wherever we looked. Or the camaraderie of a fabulous photo crew and models who are both skilled professionals and incredibly fun people. Or the many laughs we shared. Or the 2+ days out of the office. Or the break from the kids and dog.

I'm talking about the gift I was left with when it was all over...an infusion of renewed energy for my work, my life, the future. Goodbye winter, hello spring! Bring it on.

Monday, March 16, 2009

why i love my job

I don't know about you, but I like a lot of variety in life, and my job is no exception. Some would consider it pure hell to be juggling 30 projects at once, but I sort of thrive on it.

To preserve my anonymity (and my need to be able to freely express my every thought and feeling) I'm not going to reveal what I do for a living or for whom. However, I can say that I am occasionally involved with photo shoots. And this is my favorite part of the job.

Tonight my company sent me off to a beautiful place to spend the night, the day before a 2-day shoot was to begin. I had asked Rob to join me, but he declined as he didn't want to miss work :( So I drove there alone.

As soon as I arrived at this beautiful place, I knew Rob had made a bad choice. I checked in and walked up to my room only to find that they had given me a room with a balcony overlooking a gorgeous waterfall. Nature Boy would have loved it even more than I. I immediately missed him. Especially because I had given up one of my 3 nights a week allotted for him to take this trip.

Making the best of it, I decided to take a long hot bath. I was struck by how clean the bathroom was for such an old building. And the full length mirror on the back of the bathroom door caught my eye. This provided a view of my naked body that I hadn't been privy to since I moved out of my last house. I thought of all sorts of fun things Rob and I could be doing in this bathroom. But no, I was alone.

I crawled into the bed and was tickled at how comfy the sheets and pillows were. Very yummy. Again, to be experienced alone. I settled in for a good night's sleep to the sound of the rushing water outside my room. Hope I don't wet the bed.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

one step closer


I feel like I just got a present, and I haven't told anyone! I'm so excited, and feeling silly about it. Rob told me last night that he finally told his ex (they've been separated for 9 years)..........................




..........ready for this??...................







.............he finally told her............











..........that he wants to get a divorce. Woo-hoo!!!!!

OK, so I'm having a total celebration but keeping it to myself (well, except for you). When he first tells me the news, my instinct is to get up and cheer and wrap my arms around him, but of course I don't. I smiled (big) and said that's good. You see, I'm scared that my elation will scare him. He might think I'll expect something of him. Like marriage. When in fact this news should change nothing in our lives. All it means is that his ex will need to get her own health benefits instead of piggybacking on his policy.

But to me it's another step closer to being with my love, free and clear from the strings of our past. I'm just smiling.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

maria update

For those of you who care (and I know some do!), I thought I'd fill you in on what's happened with the most challenging relationship in my life since my 5-part blogathon 'on the day she was born i cried'.

After the last big blowout, darling daughter Maria spent her scheduled few days at her dad's. During that time I made a counselling appointment for myself. I figure, if I can't get her to go back to counselling, I might as well save my own sanity. And so I did.

I spoke to a female therapist who had seen Maria twice over a year ago, and she barely remembered her (insignificant). I spent the hour describing my feelings about all the events of late and was basically reassured that I was doing all the right things--protecting my boundaries, staying calm, finding my own peace with other activities (Rob!!). I haven't told Maria that I went to a counsellor, but I would if it came up. To me, it's no big deal.

In the last couple weeks life with Maria has been a mixed bag, which is completely typical. Some good, some bad. The highlights were watching American Idol together in my bed one night. Oh, and a random conversation in which she started asking me lots of questions which reminded me of the old days when she was so young and curious! It's nice for a mom to be able to answer lots of her daughter's questions. I guess it's a personal confirmation that I'm not useless to her after all!

Maria still digs at me regularly, which I usually ignore because all she's trying to do is pick a fight. But sometimes she's in a good mood. And I treasure those times. Now I'm trying to be cognizant of how I approach her, in tone and body language mostly. I have realized that I am so used to being attacked, that I'm often defensive, unconsciously anticipating conflict. A lot of the time that's what I get. But given the chance that Maria's intent is good, I'd like to meet that with the same good intent. And hopefully one of these days we can get in the habit of positive communication.

All in due time. Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

missing my honey

All day long (and it was a loooooong one) I was wishing I could be with my honey tonight. I miss sleeping with him. It's been 3 nights since I was last basking in his warmth and I want him again. He's a great pillow partner even though he regularly takes over 2/3 of the bed. It's not that he's a big guy, he just keeps creeping closer into my territory. He says he's just looking for me in the night. I can't help it he's so hot, I have to go for air sometimes. Then he creeps even further over. Sometimes I just get up and walk around to the other side of the bed and we start all over again.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

on the day she was born I cried - Part 5

Living with Maria is not easy. Living with any 17 year old girl is not easy, unless maybe you're a 20 year old guy. And even then, Maria will always present certain challenges.

She has her good points, don't get me wrong. She is smart, strong-minded, beautiful, driven, and sociable. She has experienced drinking and some of the lighter drugs, and chosen against them. She was just accepted to her university of choice for this coming Fall. In so many ways I am extremely proud of who she is.

I'd like to take partial credit, but I can't get past the fact that she hates me.

No one in my life has ever said such hurtful things to me as Maria has. I desperately want to understand her, but her mind works so differently from mine. How helpless I feel as a mother who cannot connect to her daughter to help her find the way.

Maria and I recently had another big blowout. This is a recurring cycle for us beginning, and ending, with this high volume explosion approx every 3 months. Again it'll be quiet for awhile, then it will slowly escalate into her irritation with me, followed by rude comments, then defiant behavior. You get the gist. Ugly indeed and probably all too common in houses with teenagers.

In this last blowout Maria brought out all her usual ammunition. She accused me of being happy when she's so unhappy. Of being happy because she's unhappy. I have ruined her life. And Dad's. She doesn't have a family anymore. Since I wasn't being physically abused I should have just stayed. Kids are supposed to come first. That's what mothers do. She says she really needs a mother, that now she has no mother. She hates me. She hates Rob. He's creepy/quiet/unfriendly (actually he's the exact opposite, but she's never around to see it). I am selfish, I only think of myself and don't care how it affects other people. She hates how everyone thinks I'm so nice, but they can't see what I'm really like inside. That I don't really care about her at all. That she's so messed up and a failure at everything.

These blowouts always happen at night. As a woman, I know that emotions grow more fragile the later the day gets. And that's when she lets it rip. She is still loud (the volume never went down from those crying baby days). She fires accusations at me one after the other, and I cannot get a word in. She has so much pent up inside her, she wails it all at me to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes it seems she's evolved little from her toddler days. But I no longer restrain her by force.

Most of the time I let her get it out and I try to listen and understand her feelings. Never do we resolve anything in these moments. At some point I have to declare it over for the night, that I will no longer be abused (and sworn at) and I have to walk away. Or she walks away, and destroys something on her way to her room or out the door.

The next morning things are very quiet. Sometimes we talk a little about what happened. Once in a while she apologizes, but mostly she sees it as my fault completely. We have not found a solution that works. And it just happens again in time. It's not getting better. I feel like we are just biding our time until she is old enough to move out. That saddens me. Remember the first paragraph of Part 1 of this blog?

In the past 2 years I've taken her to 2 different counselors. She refuses to go back. She says they're stupid and they keep telling her to try things that won't work. I've talked with her as much as I could on my own and answered all her questions honestly. She will occasionally talk about her feelings, but insists that she should be able to yell because that's the only way I'll know how she really feels. I suggested we write to each other to avoid the yelling situation but she says that's ridiculous and refuses. I've read books on "reaching out" to teenagers and tried many of the suggestions. I've tried to show empathy, I've tried to give her freedom. I've tried to come down hard on her, I've tried to stand my ground and live my life. I've never stopped providing for her. I helped her create a resume, coached her on getting a job, taught her how to drive, comforted her when she was sick, scared, or when her boyfriends broke up with her. I am the one she calls in times of crisis. Yet I am the one she hates.

And still, on this day I cry.
She is holding on tight to her anger towards me and is not ready to let it go. She admits it. Until she lets it go, we don't have a chance at a good relationship. It hurts to see her suffer like this. She's so strong on the outside, but inside she's a lost little puppy and I am helpless. She's holding a huge burden for some reason I do not understand.

The only thing I can do is come to terms with my own feelings and feel right about my position. I will seek counseling of my own. I will continue to offer her my support and take care of Mom-ly things, but basically we have to keep our distance in order for life to flow in this house. I miss her so much.

I need a happy outcome. For her and for me. I have invested so much love and energy in Maria. What has happened? I don't want to miss out on all the milestones in her life--her graduation, her wedding, being a grandmother. I deserve to experience the good things. But I feel like I am close to being shut out.

on the day she was born I cried - Part 4

It was May 2006 that I told the girls that their dad and I were separating. Jeff would have no part of that discussion. This conveniently (for him) set the stage making me the villain. I was the one responsible for destroying our "happy family".

Christie, 4 years younger than Maria, had cried at the news, but not for long. She showed more curiosity than sadness and had lots of questions which I eagerly answered. Christie had been sucked into my unhappiness a couple years earlier and had suffered some severe anxiety because of it, I believe. Once I had made my decision to leave the marriage and live my own truth, I became much happier, and so did she. In hindsight it's clear to see that Christie responded more to the security of a happy mom than to the news that her parents were breaking up.

On the other hand, Maria related to her dad. She noticed his sadness (and anger) more after my "announcement" than before it, and conveniently placed all blame on me. After all, he was the one hurting and I had moved on mentally. In fact, I appeared quite happy and in control. She made it clear I was no longer welcome to hug her, or to tuck her in at night. She hated me and wasn't afraid to say so.

She treated me badly and her dad did nothing to intervene. He probably thought I deserved it. He was one of those husbands that finally woke up once it was too late. He hadn't taken me seriously until I said it was over. And because he then wanted to fix it, but I did not, I became the one responsible for the failure of the marriage.

And Maria has mistreated me ever since. Except for a few brief moments of truce, her overall attitude towards me has been of disrespect, disdain and wanting to punish me for ruining her family and her life.

It had taken a whole year for Jeff and me to finalize a separation agreement while we both continued to live in the house. This totally sucked because we did not speak and the tension was thick. But neither of us would move out. We lived separate lives but came back to the same house every night. I hoped this might ease the transition for the girls, but in hindsight I don't know if it was helpful or hurtful.

A couple months after I told Jeff I wanted out, the friendship I'd had with Cam developed into a very rewarding online love affair. Cam lived 3000 miles away but we'd known each other since high school. His love and emotional support were everything I'd craved for years, and he was so good at making me feel good even from that distance. I felt alive again. It so happened that Cam had decided to end his marriage about the same time that I did. And just for the record I must say that this was not a preconceived affair. The timing seems coincidental, yes, but this is exactly the way it happened. And besides, there are no coincidences. We were meant to be there for each other. Cam and I carried on and we became quite attached. We were each other's life line.

Maria saw me spending a lot more time than usual on the computer chatting with "my friend". However, this didn't seem to bother her. What did bother her was the attention that our neighbor started giving me. Yes, Rob was our neighbor. He'd gone through a separation 6 years earlier and I sometimes sought his advice in how to handle things. We became friends, but Maria always thought he was creepy. Maybe she saw the sparkle in his eye for me, and that made her uncomfortable? But at that time Rob and I were just casual friends. We'd say hello and have a 5-minute conversation in his front yard, that was it. My heart was completely with Cam.

In April 2007 I moved out. Oh happy day, I was truly free. The girls were excited about our new house, their new rooms. They'd live at their dad's for 3 days a week (the old house), and mine the other 4 days. Our dog would travel with them. Both houses were within walking distance and they'd go to the same schools etc. I tried to make the transition as simple as possible.

My friendship with Rob blossomed into love after I moved out of the neighborhood, the details as I've discussed earlier in my blog. Because I would not lie to Maria, she was aware that I was dating Rob. It was then that her rage came to a head. She simply demanded that he not be a part of my life.

Being sensitive to her need for time to adjust to all the changes in her life, we were careful not to have Rob around when Maria was here. I tried to be here as much as I could for her even though she constantly rejected me. But on the days when she was at her dad's, Rob and I spent time together. Jeff was furious once he found out I was dating the neighbor and of course figured I'd been cheating on him for years. And Maria was likely influenced by things she heard her dad say. To this day, almost 2 years later, Jeff still does not speak to me. This has not been easy. For any of us.

But love has to win.