finding dinamo

I feel like I've been AWOL. I've been placed in a foreign land (by my own choosing, I know, I know). Most of what felt like me has been left behind and I am faced with the task of reinventing my life in this new world.

I have good days and bad days. They usually alternate. This is different for me--I don't recall having so many days where I felt unsure of myself, sad, even isolated. But I am patient with myself as I kind of predicted that this could happen. Big transitions take time. It's like I am swimming, treading water, meanwhile reminding myself how beautiful the scenery is. I ordered this. For sure it is work, taking my energy and focus, yet I turn my attention to the positives on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis.

Although I am getting used to a lot of my surroundings, most of the time I still feel like an outsider. Will I ever feel like an Angeleno?

One little discovery which I now celebrate on a regular basis is the art of finding myself through drinking. Andy took me to a hipster bar he really likes and it turns out I like it too. Their whiskey pour is extremely generous...to the point where I cannot finish the whole glass and walk out of there. But I also feel like I fit there. It's dark and full of billowy fabrics and leather couches and the music is pretty eclectic and not blaring. It promotes conversation unlike most bars I've been in.

When I drink I start to feel alive again. I feel like it's safe to come out. The protective walls that I have built up around me are no longer needed. I feel sharper, prettier, more confident and basically, like I am frigging enjoying life like I am supposed to. There's a surge inside of me that reassures me YES, I CAN DO THIS. HOW GREAT IS THIS??!!

So I am suddenly a million bucks. I react to Andy in a better way. Admiring him again I give myself more freely, I think more about our future together. And I remember the dream more clearly. The clouds had been darkening the dream, but the alcohol seems to bring it back to me where it can remind me why I am here and give me the strength to move forward.

I need to have more fun and less fear. If alcohol helps me do that, then I'm all for it...in reasonable amounts, of course.

who am i?

Who have I become? Well, I guess that depends on who you ask. Don't ask me though, cuz I really don't know. I have too much time on my hands, and too little purpose.

As I am a doer, I am finding myself filling my day with follow up phone calls to companies who haven't done what they said they were going to do, educating myself on how to invest in mutual funds (dry, yes, but essential), turning off lights and electronic equipment that other people have left on, and rearranging everyone's dishes in the dishwasher to achieve maximum efficiency in a load.

OMG I need to get back to work! Before my roommates kick me out!

I am trying my damnedest not to judge other people's ability to relax when there are things to be done. I am trying to remember that one of my goals in moving here was to become more laid back and spontaneous. I am certainly drinking more :) and sleeping in more. And I do have sex more often, though more would be even funner!

Basically, I've been off of work for almost 2 months. I love to work (usually). It makes me feel important, it defines me. In the absence of professional me, I've let myself sink back into the housewife and mother role--yecch--which makes me feel kind of used and unrewarded. And frustrated! Just because I can cook and clean doesn't mean I want to take on those roles full-time.

And I'm not one to speak up (to Andy). Instead I just do it till I'm exasperated, shoot off little sarcasms, then I withdraw. I know that's not a very good way to solve the problem, but right now I am finding it hard to do the right thing. I don't have full control over who I am, so the last thing I feel like tackling is a conversation about who I want to be.