Tuesday, December 29, 2009

my ex is a miserable shit


I usually don't speak those words about anyone. It's just not my style. But then why does it feel so good to get that out?

Because he aggravates me, he makes me feel worthless and he believes I am a bad person out to get him and deceive him. Plus he can't carry on a conversation without accusing, interrupting and dredging up old issues. How do you ever resolve anything with that attitude? How can I ever get a word in edgewise?

I cannot stomach him. I don't know how to deal with that type of person other than staying away from them. That's what I had done for the last 4 months.

But today I called him because the family dog (Snoop) is facing some potentially expensive vet bills. I simply wanted to know what, if anything, he would be able to help with. Because it would obviously affect my decision on how to proceed with Snoop's medical issues. And I thought he would want to know what's happening with the dog. If not for the dog's sake, then at least for Maria and Christie's sake as they would be hurt the most by losing their dog.

But it ws a useless conversation beyond the fact that it confirmed that he is STILL an ass. AFTER ALMOST 4 YEARS OF SEPARATION. God help him.

Monday, December 28, 2009

why i am a lover


While I haven't blogged a lot in the past week(s), I have had a lot of thoughts, just no time to blog them. Carrying them around in my head is risky business as my memory grows faulty with every year, and I just turned 47.

One of the things I was pondering was my having 2 lovers at once. It's certainly not a new situation to me, I've been here at least twice before. It caused me to wonder why do I do this? There is something that feels inherently good about having more than one man in love with me. I asked myself, do I actually need this? And, why do I need this?

Hmmm...first, I see loving as my main strength. I feel it is the one thing that I am best at. Plus, it is my preferred method of expression. I have a lot of love to give and it seems to build up inside of me, crying to be released. I admit I love the art of falling in love, filling someone else with love, basking in the euphoria, and besides, there is nothing else to make you feel so alive as love.

Second, I can't help but feel that I have lived many lives before this one as a lover. I have visions of myself as a geisha, a prostitute, a sexually active gay man in ancient Greece (yes, Greek baths, toga and all), a sheik with a harem of lovers, and a lustful woman sought out by sexually starved men in Victorian times. All these roles feel familiar to me.

Third, I question whether the absence of a real father figure in my current lifetime has anything to do with this pattern of seeking love from men. I rarely saw my father and never even felt related, let alone loved by him. Though he was always nice to me, I did not feel close to him in any way. Though it's important to note that I did not feel unloved. Just maybe I am longing to prove to myself that I am lovable, and wanted, by men.

I accept this desire for multiple lovers at this point in my life, but I have become a little worried about its future consequences. I don't see myself living this way forever. Ideally I'd like to find one partner to spend the rest of my days with.

One particular vision I cherish is the two of us rocking in our rocking chairs on the porch of our summer home. We are silent, content in knowing that all is right between us. I would like to live happily ever after with him, until the day we die, making sweet passionate love in the park at age 100, of course!

post-Christmas delivery


Everyone around here has been impatiently awaiting the first snowfall, praying we would have a white Christmas. Well, it did not make it in time for Christmas. But yesterday afternoon, it finally started snowing... and sticking!

I dressed extra warm and grabbed Snoop's leash, a poop bag, and off we went for our nightly walk. I just have to say one word about that walk...

~ H E A V E N L Y ~

Not that I am a huge fan of winter, cuz in February I'll be cursing the stuff, but with the snow came a magical beauty to the neighborhood, a quiet calm, a cozy blanket of white that suddenly brought on some warm and fuzzy feelings that I associate with Christmastime. I was happier than happy, content with the world and my life, at least for this moment, and thankful for all the blessings that surround me, none less exciting than this snow.

Part II - I had the pleasure of sleeping over at Rob's house last night. When I got up at 4am to pee, I looked out his bathroom window onto his one-acre backyard. It was a winter wonderland!! It had snowed a few inches more and it was coming down in big, fat flakes. I was in awe. I climbed back in bed, he stirred, and I said to him, let's go out and play in it!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

the power of family opinion

I am a pretty independent person in almost every way. Sure, I can't change a flat tire or cook a turkey, but I'm sure I could learn (if I cared to). My friends, family, coworkers, Andy and Rob all see me as a very independent woman.

Something I realized lately is that my family's opinion holds a lot of power when it comes to making personal decisions--in particular, who I am with. No one realizes this but me, and I guess I would like to keep it that way. Apparently I like the fact that everyone sees me as kind of a self-sufficient entity.

My sister is probably the biggest influence. I noticed that her opinion over the last couple years has caused me to rethink earlier decisions and change my path.

At a house party I threw a few years back, she was enthralled with one of my male guests and suggested I should go out with him. It was someone who I knew had been attracted to me and had even asked me out a couple times when I was involved with Rob, so I'd repeatedly fended him off. But a few weeks after Lynn had 'endorsed' him, I started to pull away from Rob and eventually began dating this guy. Needless to say it didn't quite work out, but I did have a lot of fun with him. He ended up getting engaged to someone else when I wouldn't move full speed ahead.

The next time Lynn's influence triggered a change was early last summer. Granted, things were already in a state of disappointment with Rob, but her comments were the clincher. We were out at a concert together and talking about my relationship with Rob. She said something like He's nice, but I just see you with someone taller, more exciting. A bit of an ouchie statement at the time, but it stayed with me.

Lynn was also the one to suggest Andy as a friend when I joined Facebook in June. I never would have guessed that my sister (who has trouble running her own life) has so much influence over mine.

My mother, too, has shared her vision with me--she dreams of me with someone tall, dark and handsome who owns a winery or some other exciting business. I have kind of laughed this off over the last few years, but there is some validity to what she has suggested. I have discovered that I am seeking someone who is entrepreneurial and successful. Not that Rob isn't successful. But it's the leadership quality that I seem to desire.

Christie, my 14 year old daughter, also holds a lot of power. Every time she has commented on whether or not she likes a certain man in my life, I notice that my feelings towards him are swayed in one direction or another. Currently she is very fond of Andy and keeps asking me when he is coming to visit. I have never seen her that enthusiastic towards one of my male interests.

All this makes me wonder who is paving my path, my family or me? And why is their opinion so important to me?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

giving and receiving


Rob and I went shopping today. He wanted to buy me some birthday presents. That's a little hard for me.

First, I'm not all that comfortable accepting gifts. I mean, I can do it just fine, but inside I always feel a little strange about people spending money on me. Basically, I'd rather be giving than receiving. And second, I feel a little guilty that he's buying me gifts when soon enough I'll have to break some upsetting news to him. The news that Andy is coming to visit. I just don't want him to regret buying me presents later.

So Rob ended up buying me a killer pair of grey suede boots--those high ones that go above the knee. They're flats so that I can at least wear them with him, short man that he is. Plus he bought me a nice black cardigan. It looks warm and cozy on me. I was happy to have new stuff. But I was almost happier about what HE got!

I suggested he look at men's clothes in one of may favorite stores. He hates to shop, mostly because he doesn't know how to pick out clothes. I gladly became his personal shopper! My favorite part is going into the change room with him. As he undresses I get to kiss his nice tight stomach and rub my face on his soft fur. I purr. He smiles. Then he slips on a shirt or a sweater and SHIT he looks so good in form fitting clothes!

What's neat is that it's so fun for me to pick out good clothes for him, and he leaves really happy, having had a painless shopping experience and clothes that he knows look good on him. Bonus: they were on sale.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

gotta love a beagle

Charles Schulz must have owned a beagle. How else would he have known that endearing doggie personality to portray it so well? I have watched Charlie Brown Christmas since I was a little girl and I always loved this part. I can't help but think that it later influenced my decision to choose a beagle. Gotta love 'em.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

guess who's coming to town?


Santa, of course. Then Andy! In January. It is going to happen. After 5 1/2 months of waiting, we will be together again. Instead of just talking to each other (and seeing via Skype), we can actually touch. I am so looking forward to that hug.

Thanks to Skype I have gotten to know Andy better, which was a definite goal of mine. The initial fantasy of quitting my job, selling the house and moving to California to move in with him and promote him as an artist has evolved into a mellower, OK, let's get to know each other a little first!

We skype every couple days, sometimes for hours at a time. Not that we say a whole lot. We often stare and smile (sounds a little retarded I know). Or one of us does stuff while the other one watches (ok, what are you thinking??). It's very much like living together. Like yesterday I rang Andy, and he proceeded to watch me paint my kitchen...for 4 hours.

He especially liked what I was wearing--black tank top and a pair of old black yoga pants that were very low rise and exposed my belly. So when I reached up to roll the paint onto the ceiling he made some interesting comments from across the room where his face filled my computer screen.

I know it sounds crazy. Everyone I tell this to thinks it's crazy that we spend hours just watching each other. But I tell ya, it's just really, really nice just to know the other is there.

And so he will be here in a few weeks. In my house, in my bed, in my arms. :)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

the biggest chicken


OK. A friggin month went by and I finally got the nerve to bring up the safe sex topic with Andy. A shot of whiskey helped. What the frig is wrong with me?

I think it may have been just as awkward for Andy because he hardly said anything when I brushed on the topic. Maybe it was because he was munching the largest fuji apple in the world at the time. Or maybe it was cuz he felt as weird as I did. Maybe he's as chicken as I am to discuss the hard issues!

As we disconnected from our Skype conversation last night I could have kicked myself for not tackling this head on. I had planned it all in my mind. I had planned to say I was scared to approach the topic for fear of insulting him or that he would change his mind about coming for a visit. And I was going to tell him about my own issue. I was going to be compassionate and really mature about the whole thing, like a big girl should!

But I left it way too open-ended. I didn't state my request other than saying I would like some reassurance that everything's safe when we have sex. What I really wanted was for him to get checked for a few specific major diseases (and show me proof), but instead I let him off with a Sure, I'll go to the doctor before I come see you.

And by the way he is looking at flights for January, so I need to get my shit together!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

the oral exam


One thing you should never do the night before a dentist appointment...give a blow job to a very horny man.

This stands as one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. And with just a little foresight I could have avoided it by just having sex. I hadn't seen Rob in about a week and he was pretty damned horny by the time I got to him.

When he's that hot he has a hard time controlling his movements, especially the closer he gets to orgasm. Well his excitement also drives me into my own frenzy where my pain sensors all turn into pleasure sensors, so I just keep going, no matter what. And before you know it my mouth has taken a bit of a beating.

It's not until it's all over that I realize I had better check for damage. My mouth certainly felt sore in a few spots, but I was relieved that there was no sign of injury. I relaxed knowing that I heal fast.

Well, I had practically forgotten about it until the next day when I opened wide for a dentist appointment and my dentist asked what happened and does it hurt.

Dreadful, just dreadful. I shrugged, thanking God that I couldn't speak with my mouth open that wide. I'm sure I turned red. I doubt my dentist believed me, and I wondered how many times before he'd seen the aftermath of over zealous oral sex. At least there's one oral exam I can pass.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

letter to Rob

Hi hon...here's where I am. I feel like I am doing the right thing by spending more time alone. I have more time to think and do. I accomplish more and feel less stressed. This is not something that you caused, but I did it to myself trying to be with you most days of the week. I am actually kind of surprised at how little I feel I need from a man right now--I can't remember feeling this way in a long time. It seems like I'm more in control of my life, but who knows how realistic that is.

Anyway, I would like our relationship to be based mostly on friendship. I would like it to be kind of low key and light, not overly emotional. I can't say how many days a week I'll want to be together or how often I'll want to be intimate. I care about how you feel and I wrestle with guilt at what my changing needs have done/are doing to you. I understand that you have needs too, and if this becomes too difficult for you, I could lose you. I would hope that wouldn't happen, but I know that we've experienced such depth with each other that you may not want to "go backwards".

I haven't made any promises to anyone and I am still exploring different directions in my life. I don't want to give you false hope for a future together beyond a meaningful friendship. But I do not know what the future holds for me, in love, career, location, and especially when it comes to my feelings. Apparently I am still learning how to decide what I want.


I do love you and I'm sorry that my actions cause you pain.