why i am a lover

While I haven't blogged a lot in the past week(s), I have had a lot of thoughts, just no time to blog them. Carrying them around in my head is risky business as my memory grows faulty with every year, and I just turned 47.

One of the things I was pondering was my having 2 lovers at once. It's certainly not a new situation to me, I've been here at least twice before. It caused me to wonder why do I do this? There is something that feels inherently good about having more than one man in love with me. I asked myself, do I actually need this? And, why do I need this?

Hmmm...first, I see loving as my main strength. I feel it is the one thing that I am best at. Plus, it is my preferred method of expression. I have a lot of love to give and it seems to build up inside of me, crying to be released. I admit I love the art of falling in love, filling someone else with love, basking in the euphoria, and besides, there is nothing else to make you feel so alive as love.

Second, I can't help but feel that I have lived many lives before this one as a lover. I have visions of myself as a geisha, a prostitute, a sexually active gay man in ancient Greece (yes, Greek baths, toga and all), a sheik with a harem of lovers, and a lustful woman sought out by sexually starved men in Victorian times. All these roles feel familiar to me.

Third, I question whether the absence of a real father figure in my current lifetime has anything to do with this pattern of seeking love from men. I rarely saw my father and never even felt related, let alone loved by him. Though he was always nice to me, I did not feel close to him in any way. Though it's important to note that I did not feel unloved. Just maybe I am longing to prove to myself that I am lovable, and wanted, by men.

I accept this desire for multiple lovers at this point in my life, but I have become a little worried about its future consequences. I don't see myself living this way forever. Ideally I'd like to find one partner to spend the rest of my days with.

One particular vision I cherish is the two of us rocking in our rocking chairs on the porch of our summer home. We are silent, content in knowing that all is right between us. I would like to live happily ever after with him, until the day we die, making sweet passionate love in the park at age 100, of course!