the fruits of us

Sex with Andy was one of the biggest unknowns I had about getting back together. I must admit I was a bit concerned, wondering how far he'd come in the 29 years since I'd been intimate with him. Back then, little did I know that his quick fire was due to a complete lack of sexual experience. He'd been such a good kisser at 18, I was fooled into thinking he'd been sexually active. Not the case.

However, I am happy to say that he has evolved into a passionate lover and pleaser. Our first night was hampered by a couple unfortunate factors though. When we got to my house and he unpacked his bags he realized that something very important had been left behind at his mother's apartment--the condoms. I pictured his 79 year old mother finding them and picking up the phone to inform him. Thank God she didn't. But it was a funny thought.

The other thing was that I had gotten my period just the day before. Great timing...I think Rob willed that on me. After I shared that little fact with Andy, he was content just to hold me and touch me, and I gladly did the same. It was a very intimate night and I loved having him in my bed all night.

The next day we hunted for non-lubricated condoms. After a 15 minute search and help from a pharmacist, we scored the last box in WalMart woohoo! Non-lubricated because I was not going to put that danky stanky lubricated stuff anywhere near my mouth. It was bad enough that I had to actually perform oral sex on a condom, but a deal (with Rob) is a deal and sexual safety had to come first.

OK, so on night #2 my period is gone (enough). Andy and I have waited long enough to rediscover each other. And guess what I discovered? I have found another man with really sensitive nipples! This is so amazing to me and tremendous fun to drive a man crazy this way. We're getting really hot and heavy and it's time for some action. He tears open the box of condoms, rips open a packet and rolls one on. It's white, and it's not all that attractive, but what the hey, I can't wait to get him in my mouth.

Here's a man who likes to play it hard and take control, which normally I love...but there was the issue of that little 'reservoir' hanging off the tip of the condom. Imagine that dangly piece of rubber tickling that dangly thing in the back of your throat...the old epiglotis I believe it's called. Yikes. That whole scene was a bit treacherous, trying to control the gag reflex while getting it rammed in. But I gave it my all.

We managed to play that game awhile and then he moved on top of me. He entered me, faster than I would have liked, but it was good to finally feel him. I just would have liked to savor the moment more. He fucked pretty fast, and kissed me non-stop. That is, until he went down on me. Oh that beautiful mouth. I've dreamed of how it would feel on my red hot %$##@. It was a delicious feeling, and he showed great passion. And he looked damn good down there besides.

The night was hot, and sweet. It was a new experience with a new lover. In such situations, it's hard not to compare new to old, but I admit I did just that.

the reunion

This will be the first in a series of blogs in which I reminisce about my 2-weekend tryst with Andy. Due to my dire need to remember the events and emotions of this life experience, in combination with my very faulty memory, these posts are certainly going to be more valuable to me than to you.

I want to always remember the moment when we first saw each other. I drove an hour to pick him up after work on a Thursday. I had taken the Friday off, so there I was on the cusp of a long weekend and I was about to see my new boyfriend after enduring 6 months of long distance romance. It was a lot like that excitement of childhood on Christmas Eve, when the thrill seems to be endlessly looming in front of you, taunting you. Crazy, but it feels damn good.

He was staying at his mother's apartment in a retirement home. I somehow found it without a problem, pulled into a parking spot right near the front door, and walked in to the security entrance. I dialed her apartment. Andy answered and buzzed me in. I waited in the lobby with a gaggle of old folks staring at me. The seconds dragged...

Then I heard his footsteps come down the hall...around the corner...and I caught a glimpse of a bouquet of flowers, followed by the Andy himself. HUGE smile.

Then it's a bit of a blur, almost like when you're falling and everything feels like it's not really happening to you--you're just dreaming it in slow motion. I know we hugged, and we definitely kissed. However one distinct impression I'll never forget is how clear Andy's face looked. I'd been looking at him pixellated on screen for months, and I was amazed at how sharp his face looked in person. God, he's beautiful.

Moving down the hallway away from an audience of elderly admirers, we found some privacy. I held his face in my hands and felt his sexy 3-day growth, and looked into his adoring brown eyes, and his perfect mouth and lips, knowing I was going to have access to them for the next 2 weekends. Bliss.

We eventually got a hold of ourselves and worked our way back to his mom's apartment. I had met her when I was 17, but don't remember it in the least. So to me, this was the first time. I was impressed with how attractive and young she looked. She was also very sweet. We made small talk and I tried to act calm and cool, but inside I was reeling with excitement sitting next to her beautiful and talented son. As I talked to her, I saw Andy staring at me out of the corner of my eye. It's a wonderful feeling to be adored.

We needed to be touching. He had his arm around me while I rested my hand on his leg. Conversation with his mom was the only thing keeping us from pouncing on each other. We couldn't get enough of each other, only half believing that this was real, that the other was really there in living flesh. He couldn't wait to leave with me.

Soon we were in my car and on our way to my house where we would be together for the next 3 days.

TO BE CONTINUED

safe keeping

I've been flooded with emotion and inspiration since Andy arrived. For fear of losing the many ideas I've had for blog posts, I'm going to jot them down in sequence now with the hopes that memories will be triggered enough to be able to write about them later.

• Picking Andy up at the retirement home - first impression
• Our first night together - A Woman is a Woman - the missing condoms
• Sleepless on a starless night - laughing, holding, touching, loving
• Field trip to WalMart, I Love You Man, cooking together
• The blue pill talk
• Sex and sleeping with Andy - bj with a condom
• Trip to Michael's for the canvas, the painting, the massage, loving him
• Andy in my house, with Christie and Snoop - the fit
• The boy can eat! Oh, aren't you eating?
• Slow dance in the kitchen & better than everything
• Christie with Andy's mom, the drop off, the aftermath
• Picking him up on the 2nd weekend, dinner at mom's
• Overnight trip, the frozen head on a frozen night and frozen grapes
• The dinner party, our first public appearance as a couple
• Emotional night, hanging on, letting go, the goodbye

magic in progress

I don't want to forget this moment. My senses are alight. I am touched at what I am seeing.

Andy is here in my bedroom spilling his soul onto canvas for me. I get to witness him in his element, doing what makes him...him. He is alive and loving it. I am alive and loving it. I'm so glad he bought that tube of light blue permanent, as my tribute would not look the same without it. It is his signature color.

He keeps asking me if I'm bored. He thanks me for not getting sick of hearing the same CDs over and over again as he paints. I hear him sing. He forgets I'm listening. Hours go by. I love watching him. I love that he's in the same room with me.

When that song with the violins comes on, I feel something well up inside of me and I have to interrupt him for a kiss. He couldn't be happier. His look of concentration melts into adoration. I've never seem him so relaxed.

This is good.

Andy eve

As I write this, Andy's flight has likely just touched down in our hometown, just an hour's drive from me. He has travelled all the way across the country today, from a very warm and sunny place, to the frigid, cold and dark Northeast, just to see me. His family wonders what he is doing coming home this time of year. ?!?!

Life will be different starting tomorrow. But then again, it always is.

I had my last conversation with Rob an hour ago. He's holding up remarkably well. Except that he's suddenly forgotten why I am doing this. Sigh........

The house is clean (a lot cleaner than Andy's will ever be), my laundry's done, all signs of Rob have been hidden. Even Christie is excited about Andy's arrival. Basically I am ready to accept my new houseguest. Now just a few prayers please. Send them all to Rob. I am feeling a little guilty right now.

Tomorrow I will work as normal a day as I can muster. Then at 5:00 I will head over to pick Andy up from his mother's house. The moment we first see each other in person, and touch, has been a topic of conversation and fantasy for a long time. I am sure it will be wonderful. And I think he will recognize me this time (lol).

I will bring him home with me where he will stay until I send him back to his mother. We still have to have the oral sex by condom talk. Ewww. Not sure when we'll actually have sex, because I was lucky enough to get my period just today. (I think Rob put a hex on me.) OK, no prayers for Rob.

Hang in...it might be awhile before I get a chance to blog about this upcoming chapter!

kid gloves required

These last few days with Rob before our "hiatus" have been interesting to say the least. As we've prepared for a temporary shutdown of our relationship to accommodate a 2-week visit from Andy, Rob and I have reached some new emotional and sexual heights. Why is this always the way?!?

Rob has made his position quite clear in (t)his very challenging situation. The future of our relationship is heavily dependent on how I manage his feelings pre- and post-Andy. Can you say kid gloves? I have vowed to be honest with Rob all along, and, as you know, we have discussed safe sex issues ad nauseum. I have explained my reasons for continuing on this path of mine: I am still looking for the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Our communication has been great other than I find it hard to say to Rob's face I know I do not want to marry you. It just seems so damned cruel.

Our sex has been very intimate again. Because I allowed it to be. The potential was always there, but I'd shut it down. On purpose. To cope. To be able to look ahead and away from Rob. But the fact remains he does know how to draw me in. And I proved to myself once again that my enjoyment of sex is directly proportional to the degree I allow my heart to open.

Damn! It's such a beautiful experience to make love to someone you open your heart to. It's religious, in fact. I want that again. But I have to be careful who I take there with me. Because that's a pretty big statement, with an even bigger ripple effect. Perhaps this has occurred for a reason. Well, of course it has!

I have to be cautious about sharing my affection, at that level anyway. Maybe this is a timely warning not to fall blindly into something I can't commit to. Like not leading Andy on to believe this could be forever. Honestly, at this point I feel doubtful that Andy is the one I will spend the rest of my life with. Maybe I shouldn't jump to that conclusion before we even have our time together. He's a lot of fun, a great kisser and a beautiful dreamer, but in all practicality, a lifelong commitment seems like a long shot.

Let's see where this goes. Thanks to these days with Rob, I do feel little wiser.

what if...?

What if Andy is here for a couple days and I can't stand him? What if it's only a couple hours? What if I panic in the middle of the night next to him and want to run to Rob's house?

What if he's got some God-awful habits? What if he farts in my bed? Or comes too fast...or rolls over right after and falls asleep? Or watches the tv instead of me? Or doesn't have a clue about something that's really important to me?

Is it normal to worry about these things? I feel a little embarrassed that I don't already know these things about Andy and I have invited him to come stay with me. Hmmmmm.......

one week to andy

One week out and it was time to break the news to Rob. It was not something I was looking forward to, but we had agreed to address it one week before Andy was coming to visit me. We sat in the customary 'conversation' chairs in my livingroom when I spilled the beans.

It's always light for the first 5 minutes. Maybe it's nervousness. Then as reality sinks in, Rob gets quiet and his eyes don't stay with mine. At times I see them getting watery. I feel bad. And then I remind myself that I am being true to my path. I've been honest with Rob all along, and he made an informed decision to stick with me through my explorations for as long as he wanted. He'd always mentioned that he was thankful for the time that he got to spend with me. And so here we are.

Being the practical one that he is, some awkward questions then came up. Mostly on the topic of sex. We both agree that safe sex is paramount and that Andy would be using a condom. But then there was the issue of oral sex. Rob was hinting that he wanted me to abstain from that altogether. God forbid! This required further discussion, and some research.

As I was not willing to give up sucking Andy's cock OR put myself at risk of STDs, I decided that I would use a condom--a non-lubricated condom--for this extracurricular activity. I have never given a blow job to someone through a condom, but apparently it is doable. You just have to get the kind without that nasty spermicide on it. So, another new experience is ahead. I wonder what Andy will think of all this?

Granted, he has no right to complain because he never confirmed that he had been tested. And I stopped reminding him. Clearly, Andy and I have limited communication in this relationship. We don't have a lot of in-depth talks, we mostly stare at each other on Skype and talk about our days. I don't think Andy's had too many serious conversations in his life (I may be wrong), and we all know that's not my forte either, so this presents a pretty big challenge in the relationship.

I believe this upcoming visit will make things clearer for me. At this point I don't feel Andy is "the one" for me. But he is intriguing and a hell of a lot of fun. Who knows? We may get a lot deeper being close. A part of me hopes I will not be crazy about him afterwards so that I don't have to make any hard decisions. But I still want to have this experience of loving him and I will not have Rob or anyone stop me.

best day ever with dad

I made my bi-weekly trek to my hometown to visit Dad who's been in the hospital since July. Last time I saw him he expressed interest in learning how to use a computer (it's true, he's never even touched a computer).

So I took along my laptop...along with 3 of his favorite baseball caps, the Sunday paper and a package of fig newtons. Dad was finishing his lunch in the common room, and I pulled up a chair beside him. He was in a great mood. I'm not sure I ever heard him with so much to say that was relevant. Some of the anti-anxiety drugs he'd been on over the years made him babble endlessly--usually about his knee problems. UGH.

Today he seemed to be enjoying the lighter side of life. He even made some jokes that were pretty clever, so I expect the medication he's on is working. I was not only relieved, but entertained. We talked for over half an hour before I even pulled out the laptop.

It was funny. He stared at it awhile, almost in admiration. Maybe out of respect because it was not his own. He is a real camera buff and probably didn't appreciate other people handling his camera without asking first. So I invited him to touch it. I had to really think about how to explain the very basic basics about computers. I didn't want to make him feel stupid or quell his interest with too much information.

I opened up Word and hammered out a sentence. I showed him how easy it was to change the copy (which he heard as "coffee" at first--ha!) He did a little maneuvering of his own on the keyboard and seemed completely in awe. It was pretty exciting to see it through his eyes. I felt his joy.

He was especially inspired seeing photos on my screen. The resolution is so crisp and the colors so vivid, not to mention all the options for making imperfect photos perfect. Being an amateur photographer himself, he started to realize the possibilities for himself.

We really connected on this visit. I shared something of huge value to him, and I felt that. I felt his appreciation and realized the potential impact that my visit had on the rest of his life. It gave him something real to look forward to, determination to learn, and a way to access the rest of the world if it turns out he can never walk again...which likely won't happen considering that he's planning on having knee replacements.

I made my dad very happy and I can't describe how good it made me feel. It reached something way down deep in me as if it filled a previously unreachable spot in my heart.

2 weeks to Andy

The countdown is on. Fourteen days until I get to stand face to face and touch my lips to his.

He flies in on Wednesday night, arriving pretty late. I decided I will work the day on Thursday (it will be a very exciting day filled with anticipation). He'll need to adjust to the time change anyway and visit with his mom before I steal him. After work I will drive to his mother's house in our hometown to pick him up. I am already imagining the moment when he first opens the door. My mind keeps drawing me to that moment. It's really fun to imagine all different scenarios.

After the initial hug and kisses, I will get to meet his mom. I am looking forward to that. Then I will whisk him off to my house where we will spend the next 3 days together. Getting reacquainted. Laughing. Touching. Talking. Staring. Kissing. Kissing. Kissing.

Andy doesn't go back to LA until Feb 4th, so I will have him for 2 weekends and a few days in between. I hope we have enough time for all the things I'd like to do with him. I think this is going to be really fun.

white inspired

The snow.

The snow!

It was very late in coming this winter, but today was worth the wait. It started as the tiny blustery kind of flakes that blow sideways and even manage to get up your nose. As the day wore on it shifted to a slow-motion cascade of white fluff that fell on the night like a curtain of sweet winter silence.

It beckoned the winter baby. And naturally, she grabbed her dog. Dogs love winter, right?

I thought he would be as excited as I was to get out in it and run around. However, as he saw me pull his doggie jacket and 4 little doggie boots from the hall closet, he headed swiftly under the couch. Being that I am even more strong-willed than he is, the boots went on, velcro tightened one by one, and soon we were heading down the freshly shovelled driveway into the not-so-freshly plowed street.

Suddenly he wished he was much taller. He didn't quite know what to do with all this snow, or how to act like a real dog dressed in a red coat and 4 booties with reflective stripes sewn right in. I pictured him hoping we wouldn't run into any other dogs who would see him dressed like this.

Obviously I didn't care how I looked. As I walked, my thighs were frozen, but nothing else was. My hat was flattening my hair, but kept my ears warm. And my frumpy down jacket is absolutely priceless in this weather, no matter what my daughter says. Without it I wouldn't be able to bear the winter, let alone enjoy it like I did tonight.

We got halfway down the street when the dog took a turn. He wrestled with his boots, trying to shake them off. Apparently they cramped his style. I think they made him run funny too. In fact, from behind he looked like a rabbit. When one boot finally disappeared in the snow, I had mercy and took him home. Then I went back out to look for the missing boot and didn't come back for 45 minutes.

It was just so magical out there. Everything was quiet, muffled by the snow. Couldn't hear the cars for nothin. I shuffled through foot-deep snow, light and sparkly like diamond dust as I kicked my way along. The pines were holding every ounce of snow they could possibly bear. Wow. I walked down a path usually busy with dogwalkers and kids riding bikes, past a babbling brook, not a soul in sight.

No sign of life, but so alive.

I rounded the corner and came upon a house with all white Christmas lights that shone through the falling snow. White, white and more white. I looked up to a streetlight and noticed how incredibly beautiful the snow looked falling beneath it. I felt like this moment had been waiting for me. Do I have to go home yet?

To anyone who shoveled two hours ago, or even one hour ago, your work was in vain. The edges of your sidewalk and driveway have disappeared again, rounded by the new snow that fell as soon as you turned around to put your shovel away. But it's so much more beautiful this way.

I don't care that I have a road trip tomorrow morning. I don't care that I'll have to shovel again, maybe twice. It feels protective in a way. Certainly something new and pretty. I may not be too happy to see it in March, but today for sure it can stay.

P.S. I found the missing boot.

my top 10 of 2009

10. I regained peace in my household when Maria moved to her dad's and Christie moved in with me full-time. Everyone seems a lot more settled in the new arrangement and Christie has really bloomed.

9. I also found clarity in my direction and set some goals for myself in the areas of relationship, social and career.


8. The photo shoot assignments for work. God, those are fun, and rewarding! What a great photo crew and models I have!

7. Shopping day in the big city with Maria. This was partially a result of #6. We drove up and spent the day shopping for her birthday. It was a treat to have that many pleasant hours with her. The 3-hr. drive home was in a hurricane-like storm though, very treacherous, but exciting!

6. The day my oldest daughter Maria "came around". For her 18th birthday in August I'd given her the letter I wrote to her before she was born. I think it made her realize how much I really loved her, even back then. She said it was time to forgive and move on.

5. My former boss and friend recovered from cancer quite miraculously. I swear it was due to his positive attitude and all the love and prayers from his friends.

4. Achieving financial independence. Yeah, it sucked that I lost all child support because my ex lost his job. But the bright side was that I realized I don't need him for anything!!! Woo-hoo!


3. The day trip to Lilydale, NY with Christie, my mom and my sister. That day was simply golden. I remember feeling so genuinely happy to be there and wishing I could spend the whole summer there just painting the adorable houses and maybe sipping coffee on the quaint porches.

2. The pretend honeymoon with Rob at the nice hotel with the waterfall outside our room. I'll never forget when he handed me his credit card at dinner. I got a feeling of total acceptance from him, as in I trust you completely. And the sex was mind-blowing.


1. August 1st, that perfect day with Andy. We met out front of the art gallery, and I'll never forget that he walked right by me cuz he didn't recognize me (in his defense, I had shades on and was lying on a bench in the shade.). We spent time drinking wine in the park as he recited his verses to me, and we kissed...a LOT.