kid gloves required

These last few days with Rob before our "hiatus" have been interesting to say the least. As we've prepared for a temporary shutdown of our relationship to accommodate a 2-week visit from Andy, Rob and I have reached some new emotional and sexual heights. Why is this always the way?!?

Rob has made his position quite clear in (t)his very challenging situation. The future of our relationship is heavily dependent on how I manage his feelings pre- and post-Andy. Can you say kid gloves? I have vowed to be honest with Rob all along, and, as you know, we have discussed safe sex issues ad nauseum. I have explained my reasons for continuing on this path of mine: I am still looking for the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Our communication has been great other than I find it hard to say to Rob's face I know I do not want to marry you. It just seems so damned cruel.

Our sex has been very intimate again. Because I allowed it to be. The potential was always there, but I'd shut it down. On purpose. To cope. To be able to look ahead and away from Rob. But the fact remains he does know how to draw me in. And I proved to myself once again that my enjoyment of sex is directly proportional to the degree I allow my heart to open.

Damn! It's such a beautiful experience to make love to someone you open your heart to. It's religious, in fact. I want that again. But I have to be careful who I take there with me. Because that's a pretty big statement, with an even bigger ripple effect. Perhaps this has occurred for a reason. Well, of course it has!

I have to be cautious about sharing my affection, at that level anyway. Maybe this is a timely warning not to fall blindly into something I can't commit to. Like not leading Andy on to believe this could be forever. Honestly, at this point I feel doubtful that Andy is the one I will spend the rest of my life with. Maybe I shouldn't jump to that conclusion before we even have our time together. He's a lot of fun, a great kisser and a beautiful dreamer, but in all practicality, a lifelong commitment seems like a long shot.

Let's see where this goes. Thanks to these days with Rob, I do feel little wiser.