love nest

It's gotten really warm and cozy in our little love nest. I have proven to myself once again that an open heart = better love. Duh.

It happened on the living room floor. We had just smudged the apartment together that morning, having agreed that we needed to get rid of all the bad energy that had somehow accumulated over the last couple months. After the sage smoke cleared, we thanked each other, hugged and felt instantly drawn to each other once again.

By the afternoon it was too big to resist. Our passion, that is. He grabbed me from behind and unzipped my jeans, pulling them down just low enough to expose my butt. He turned me around, hands firmly planted on my butt and pulled me in for a very wet kiss as our equally hungry mouths met. I noticed how good he always smells...his breath, just the skin on his face. I get lost in him.

Still locked in a kiss we worked ourselves down to the floor. He stripped me naked from the waist down and dove in to tend to my fire with his hot mouth. Every time he goes down on me it gets better and better. It's so fun to learn each other sexually, to find exactly what makes each other go over the edge, or better yet, keep them dangling precariously on the edge until you decide to push them into a lusty freefall.

It was a crazy hot love session. My orgasm was quite loud. Good thing we had shut the windows after clearing the apartment. After I came we did some serious fucking which was followed by his 2 consecutive, yes 2, orgasms--one all over my stomach and the second one more strategically placed less than a minute later. All I could say was wow. I'd never seen him do that before, and it was way cool!

I am starting to enjoy the never ending surprises in this place. Except for the rug burn on my back, but it was so worth it.

rememoried

Lately there have been days when I've found it hard to identify the source of my unhappiness. Is it lack of a job? A dwindling bank account? Feeling homesick? Cabin fever? Disappointing relationship? Fear of failure?

Deep down I knew that all these factors were only temporary. But I had one nagging concern about my relationship with Andy. I was afraid that we just didn't have the potential to reach the big future we had dreamed of. Either I'd been totally unrealistic about our love, or his habits had gotten the best of me or I was just completely flat from the stress of the last 4 months.

Then something saved me. I stood back from everything and remembered a nugget of wisdom from my history. Instead of looking at my partner or the situation around me to pin the blame on, I looked inside myself. What part was I playing in the perceived demise of our relationship?

I suddenly remembered a discovery from my past: the magnitude of love I felt coming from my partner was dependent on and equal to the degree to which I opened my heart to it. I needed to allow the love to come in to me, and to receive it willingly. As best as I could recall, I'd never been let down by this practice. In the case of Rob especially, his love reflected mine. The more I opened my heart to him, the more love and intensity I felt coming from him. He even used to say that he purposely reflected me. He'd adapt to my level of love--when we were very close and our relationship was moving forward he gave me all his love and emotion. But when we were more reserved in our relationship (like when I was dating someone else) he held back as I did, we each preserved and protected ourselves from possible hurt, but the emotion was stifled too. As a result the love and sex were not quite as fulfilling.

This made me realize that I had been blocking Andy's love. Through denial or deflecting, I'm not sure, but it brought up some great questions to ask myself. Like WHY!? And here's how my mind responded...

• Trying to find myself again and reclaim my identity meant pushing Andy away to see who I was without him. I'm so fiercely independent and need to know I can do something completely on my own that I deny his attempts at help.
• I was angry at Andy for not fully appreciating everything I did to get here, how much work and expense I have endured, and all that I left behind.
• I was angry at myself for not handling the adjustment better/stronger/faster. Therefore I did not deserve to have his love. How could he love me when I felt like such a loser?
• I compared his love to Rob's and decided he just wouldn't measure up. He couldn't help solve my problems or guide me with the wisdom that Rob still continued to do. He wasn't the gentle lover that I longed for, who gave me endless comfort. He didn't know me inside out, and didn't seem to want to know much about my world, so how could he ever love me enough? So I blocked the love he did try to give me.

All this nonsense aside, I did something that made all the difference and instantly changed my outlook on the future of our relationship. While Andy was out one night I reread my blog posts about him.

I read about the day we met again after 29 years when he read his book to me next to the lake while we polished off a bottle of wine. I read about the accidental phone sex that catapulted us into an official relationship. I read about my fantasy trip to Santorini with him where we began the next chapter of our lives. I read about the moment I knew that Andy could fulfill the family dreams I'd always had. And finally, how he said if you jump, I will catch you.

It was all I needed to bring back reasons to let his love in. And with that realization everything was different moving forward.

When he came home late that night and climbed into bed with me, I cradled my warm body next to his. I tucked my knees in to fit against the back of his legs, wrapped my arm around the front of him resting my hand on his chest, pulled myself closer to him and laid my face on his back where I could hear his heartbeat. The sounds of a contented love escaped through his breath. My reward.

All was well in my world again. I only wish I had remembered sooner.

WANTED: Joy (Part II)

What is my joy, where are all the things that fed me and fuelled my passion for living and loving? I need to get in touch with these things again. My life depends on it. Let’s rewind and see what we can find.

I seem to remember the joy that my sex life used to produce. Hours of intense lovemaking led to not only physical pleasure, but emotional bonding, even on a spiritual level. I felt God’s presence regularly in the bedroom. So why can’t I have that now? Because God needs more than 20 minutes’ notice? Because two are more powerful than one in the spiritual arena and right now I’m the only one thinking beyond sex as pleasure?

Music is another thing that used to make me feel alive and really charged inside. Since I moved in with Andy I’ve put my musical tastes second to his as music is so much more a part of his daily life than it was mine. Maybe that was a mistake, even though I like most of his music. Last night I escaped to the bedroom where my stereo lives. I closed the door and sunk into total bliss as I listened the entire Grace CD by Jeff Buckley (one of my favourites). My mind had been craving something that complex, intense and beautiful. I loved being surrounded, totally enveloped by it. It reminded me of who I am. It reminded me of Cam. Most of all it reminded me how music moves me.

Being in the presence of great people used to excite me. When Andy is working a show he becomes a personality that is totally attractive and inspiring to me. I am trying to find that spark in him while he is living the other more normal parts of life, but I haven’t found enough of it to satisfy me yet. Still I miss the other great people I used to get to be with. Distance now separates me from most of them, and technology doesn’t quite close the gap. People don’t always take the time to keep in touch. And when they do I can’t look them in the eye, share a drink with them, or feel their hearts when we hug. There is a face-to-face energy that I really crave.

Creativity…there’s another possibility. Should I start drawing again? I’ve heard myself say I’d do that over the years and still haven’t. I had talent. I wonder if I still do, and if it would feel good to draw again? Then there’s the writing thing. Not feeling as confident about that. I feel I used to be much better at writing a few years ago than I am today. Today I mostly use writing as therapy. If it gets good, it does, but I can’t get caught up in that. My limited audience will have to endure my creative block.

I love the endorphin rush of a good workout. So I've started working out twice a week instead of once. Good for the heart, the mind, and I like my thighs a lot better too. I'll keep this up as long as I can.

My passion for living and loving feels just out of reach. I know it's something I can have again, I just have to find my way back to it. So, what's stopping me? I really can't look to anyone but myself, can I? Maybe it's time to take a serious look at myself and what I've created. How has my reality deviated so far from the dream?

WANTED: Joy (Part I)

It’s peculiar how you can forget what really makes you happy. You’d think that you’d always remember these things, sort of like riding a bike. If you’ve done it and lived it, it should be part of you forever, no?

Here I sit in LA land (aka LALA land), where all my dreams pointed to for the last 2 years. I moved mountains to uproot my life and relocate here. My heart and the promise of fulfilling my highest aspirations fuelled me through the challenges of coordinating a massive move for both my daughter and myself, including selling our house, leaving family and friends and shipping our possessions.

I moved in with my love Andy, my daughter is thriving at her new school, the weather is to die for and I’ve had all summer to play and discover my new world. Sounds awesome. Then why has Dinamo lost her passion for living and loving? Basically I feel like I’m on the edge of flatlining.

#1 reason: I need to work. I need to get an actual job, not just spend hours a day looking for one. Between perfecting my resume and cover letters to be my most fabulous self on paper, browsing career websites, applying for jobs and reading the masses of industry articles I’ve subscribed to in order to stay current, I literally spend about 5-6 hrs a day online. I now hate my computer…and the whole process of looking for work. Especially when you find out through CareerBuilder’s ‘fantastic’ little feature outlining the competition that 279 other people also applied for the same job that you did.

#2 reason: I feel alone. Andy is sweet, but he can’t provide me with a lot of what I need. A girl needs her own circle of friends to hang with and talk to. I love looking at his face, but it is now burned in my retina. Variety please!! Andy and I don’t have the depth in our relationship that I want and need. He rarely asks me questions about what I like, what I feel, what I dream…sometimes feels like he’s just not that into me, but how do I dare say that when I know he adores me? I also feel like I have to solve all my problems myself. He helps me the very best he can, but he doesn’t have experience dealing with pressures and complex issues. So I’m either on my own, or I call Rob for help which luckily he is still willing to give.

#3 reason: I’ve lost touch with my spirituality. The fact that I’ve been in mere survival mode over the last couple months means I have pushed aside my relationship with the higher power. I am in such unfamiliar territory, physically, emotionally and mentally. This is where I should find the greatest use of my faith, yet I overlook it. My mother and Rob both have strong spiritual leanings and they remind me of its power in their own gentle ways. Maybe I need to be beat over the head with it. Or hit rock bottom (oh, please no).

Rob sent me Deepak Chopra’s Book of Secrets last week. I am more than half way through it already. The timing was right for me and it’s reminded me that I need to get back to seeking my joy on a daily basis. I def have not been doing that. When I am feeling like shit, how can I attract the job of my dreams? As long as there is no vibrational match, my job and I will not meet. I have to get in the right state of mind for it to come. And I do believe that. In the past I've been able to get there. Why is it so hard now?

Because I can't find my joy.

fading

Tonight I was being curious and mischievous by delving back into a past love life. I dug up some of my 'starred' gmail chats with Cam from 2006. These are the treasures of love that will live forever in the archives of my old gmail account...the one we used for keeping our channel of communication open for hours as we worked at our desks thousands of miles away. Of course this was pre-Skype. Hopefully these precious records of our gmail chats will live forever as does the love for a soulmate. And Cam was mine.

To add the context surrounding this chat, these messages were written in the months following our 4 day reunion--the only 4 days we spent together. Although we both wanted to preserve the intensity of those days, we had both added new relationships to our lives and were trying to adjust to that. But our love lived on for quite a while. Just for the record, I've had no communication with Cam in about 3 years now, since he turned down my invitation to move to my town/country and make a go of it.

Dinamo wrote:
What do I mean when I say I'm scared of you fading? I'm scared of losing my memory of you and our 4 days together, the intensity of it, the specifics of it, like how my heart jumped when I caught you looking at me, what it was like to cuddle up next to you on that plump couch in the spa, to sweat with you in the hot springs, to smell your skin in soft dark places, to be driven through the ceiling by your fingers, the taste of your tears, the pride I felt watching you when we were out, to wake up to you and to be awakened by your touch, your million dollar smile, your sneeze, the way you opened doors for me and wanted to pay for everything, the bliss of the silence between us, the bump on your forearm, the anticipation of all the "firsts" we experienced, wearing your shirt and tucking notes in secret places to surprise you, laughing at your stories, feeling certain songs together, holding your hand and you liking it, feeling your passion as your mouth found its love, the little things you noticed like it was our first time driving in a car together, the way I knew how important I was to you, and knowing that no one's love could ever surpass ours, gazing while we ate drank and made love, learning about you and all you've done, the sex feast, your eyes, the sounds you made, the words of love you spoke. I want to keep all of it, I want to give to you better than anyone else can, I want it to remain sacred and untouchable. I love you. D

Cam's Reply:
That's it... Sacred. That makes me cry.

That's what I want, sacredness between us. That's what I experienced and what I think we are just scratching the surface of. Thank you for this idea and what you wrote. I am overwhelmed with you in this moment.
love, c

And why did I post this, you ask? There is a part of me that is searching for the depth in a relationship that I so crave. Andy and I don't have it yet and I miss it. I am willing to wait until it grows for us, but in the meantime I am trying to make it tangible in my life somehow. It makes me feel good to remember how special I was to someone, and how we could express our deepest feelings to each other. That's what seemed to feed the relationship for the longest time.