rememoried

Lately there have been days when I've found it hard to identify the source of my unhappiness. Is it lack of a job? A dwindling bank account? Feeling homesick? Cabin fever? Disappointing relationship? Fear of failure?

Deep down I knew that all these factors were only temporary. But I had one nagging concern about my relationship with Andy. I was afraid that we just didn't have the potential to reach the big future we had dreamed of. Either I'd been totally unrealistic about our love, or his habits had gotten the best of me or I was just completely flat from the stress of the last 4 months.

Then something saved me. I stood back from everything and remembered a nugget of wisdom from my history. Instead of looking at my partner or the situation around me to pin the blame on, I looked inside myself. What part was I playing in the perceived demise of our relationship?

I suddenly remembered a discovery from my past: the magnitude of love I felt coming from my partner was dependent on and equal to the degree to which I opened my heart to it. I needed to allow the love to come in to me, and to receive it willingly. As best as I could recall, I'd never been let down by this practice. In the case of Rob especially, his love reflected mine. The more I opened my heart to him, the more love and intensity I felt coming from him. He even used to say that he purposely reflected me. He'd adapt to my level of love--when we were very close and our relationship was moving forward he gave me all his love and emotion. But when we were more reserved in our relationship (like when I was dating someone else) he held back as I did, we each preserved and protected ourselves from possible hurt, but the emotion was stifled too. As a result the love and sex were not quite as fulfilling.

This made me realize that I had been blocking Andy's love. Through denial or deflecting, I'm not sure, but it brought up some great questions to ask myself. Like WHY!? And here's how my mind responded...

• Trying to find myself again and reclaim my identity meant pushing Andy away to see who I was without him. I'm so fiercely independent and need to know I can do something completely on my own that I deny his attempts at help.
• I was angry at Andy for not fully appreciating everything I did to get here, how much work and expense I have endured, and all that I left behind.
• I was angry at myself for not handling the adjustment better/stronger/faster. Therefore I did not deserve to have his love. How could he love me when I felt like such a loser?
• I compared his love to Rob's and decided he just wouldn't measure up. He couldn't help solve my problems or guide me with the wisdom that Rob still continued to do. He wasn't the gentle lover that I longed for, who gave me endless comfort. He didn't know me inside out, and didn't seem to want to know much about my world, so how could he ever love me enough? So I blocked the love he did try to give me.

All this nonsense aside, I did something that made all the difference and instantly changed my outlook on the future of our relationship. While Andy was out one night I reread my blog posts about him.

I read about the day we met again after 29 years when he read his book to me next to the lake while we polished off a bottle of wine. I read about the accidental phone sex that catapulted us into an official relationship. I read about my fantasy trip to Santorini with him where we began the next chapter of our lives. I read about the moment I knew that Andy could fulfill the family dreams I'd always had. And finally, how he said if you jump, I will catch you.

It was all I needed to bring back reasons to let his love in. And with that realization everything was different moving forward.

When he came home late that night and climbed into bed with me, I cradled my warm body next to his. I tucked my knees in to fit against the back of his legs, wrapped my arm around the front of him resting my hand on his chest, pulled myself closer to him and laid my face on his back where I could hear his heartbeat. The sounds of a contented love escaped through his breath. My reward.

All was well in my world again. I only wish I had remembered sooner.