about to burst

Old habits die hard. I found myself poking and jabbing at you, trying to mask my annoyance with something you've done...or not done. Often I'm not even aware what exactly frustrates me, but you, unfortunately, are my target.

I jab with a smile, as if that means it's all in fun. I dance on the line between teasing and insulting. How far can I go to ease my frustrations yet not get called on it? God forbid I have to explain why those things you do just don't fit in my world. I couldn't bear to hurt you that way. My verbal stabs are somehow a little more innocuous.

Yes, this is one of the things you're not supposed to do to the one you love. I knew I went too far when the room got suddenly quiet.

And then came the guilt.

Hello, old habits. Here we go again. Buried feelings, mainly frustration. Which leads to Resentment. And presents itself as Sarcasm. Why is it more natural for me to communicate through sarcasm than to have a heart-to-heart talk with the one I love?

I have 9 months of tightly packed frustrations that I've been trying to manage on my own. And it's not working. Lately I realized I have been taking it out on you. Some of it you deserve, some you do not. Excuse me darling, would you mind being my punching bag? I need to get this shit off my chest so I/we can move past it and I can be the nice girlfriend that I long to be.

Let's just make a tidy list of all the things I am pissed about. This way I can vent out the nasties in my blog without hurting you, and be more prepared for a calm, adult conversation with you. Here goes the rant:

1. You never really acknowledged all that I gave up to move to California to be with you. And please don't retort with the statement of how you also gave up a lot, because honestly, giving up a rent-controlled apartment is a tiny fraction of what I gave up.
2. I have lost my sense of security. This is a really scary feeling. Not only could you not offer any financial support while I was looking for work, but you had no clue how to help me with the real problems I encountered either. Other than "I love you and everything will be fine", which I started to hate being told, I was pretty much on my own to figure shit out.
3. You are oblivious to things that need to be done on a regular basis. This includes cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, planning meals and grocery shopping, etc. Do you not see the pile of pubes growing in the corner of the bathroom? How about the crumbs and dustbunnies on the kitchen floor? Does it not bother you that you have to crawl over your stuff to open the bedroom window? If I ask you to do something, you willingly do it, but why must I always ask? I want you to see for yourself, care enough to change it, and then actually do it.
4. I always have to be the leader, the initiator, the planner, the problem-solver. Frig! I don't wanna!
5. Why can't you take better care of yourself? I work out twice a week and eat in moderation. I look good because I have committed to being physically fit. You keep noting how handsome you are, but honey, you're getting larger and larger.
6. You don't really know me, and it seems you don't have much interest in finding out my deepest thoughts and feelings. You do, however, constantly tell me how beautiful I am, but really it makes me feel like I'm merely your trophy or something. Dig beneath the surface for once. Give me a glass of whiskey and ask me questions. You will be greatly rewarded.
7. I need more space and more quiet. I feel like I can't gather my thoughts and get myself organized in this apartment. I have no space to call my own, and nowhere to concentrate on my work stuff unless you and Christie are out. When you're here you seem to always be listening to music, tv, or podcasts. I long for silence.
8. I don't like your neediness. Feel free to say I love you whenever you want, but don't expect me to return those words just because you said them first. I will say them when I genuinely feel it and want to share my feelings with you. It's not a ritual for me to say I love you at the end of every single phone call, whenever I leave the house or just because you said it. I never want those words to lose their true meaning. Strangely enough you rarely say those words when I would like to hear them most--when we're making love, or fucking, as you would say.
9. Sex. Honey, I really need to connect with you on a deeper level. We should be a lot further along than we are, in and out of bed. Gotta work on that.

There, I've vented. Though it was supposed to make me feel better, I feel guilty. It sounds like I have zero appreciation for all the good you give me. And you are the biggest-hearted guy. Just a bit oblivious to how to really reach me. Why can't you read my mind??

my new lovers

Guess I found another sacred space. It may be loud and a little stinky, but it's full of furry, little lovers. I go to visit them almost every day. I fall asleep thinking of these guys and wake up excited knowing I get to see them again. Oh, the hours I've spent loving them :)

I have been volunteering at the dog pound for a few weeks now. This surprises some people considering what I witnessed on my first day of training. I watched as the guy who was teaching me the procedure to walk the dogs got his hand suddenly and severely chewed by a chow chow (no pun intended). Blood squirted everywhere as he screamed fuck! fuck! My teacher fled to the emergency room for stitches and I haven't seen him since. I hear his hand is still healing.

Regardless of that drama (which I believe was a valuable lesson in responsible dog handling), I've kept my heart open to these guys. They are so desperate for human contact, physical touch and quiet moments together. But I use protection--a pair of leather gloves, at least until I get to know the dog better.

This has been my best idea yet. Call it free therapy. Sitting in the California sunshine playing with Rover, then having him snuggle into you and lie down on your lap...OHHHHH. Ecstasy! I like taking the nervous guys (often shaky little chihuahuas), holding them tight against my chest and feeling their shaking bodies finally relax. It's then that they start making eye contact and often try to grab a kiss.

I feed them some treats, then pet them and scratch their bellies if they want. It feels just as good for me as it does for them. I fall in love with a new dog practically every visit. And by now I must have 20 lovers. But what the hell. The more the merrier. I've got enough love to go around.

I'm happy.

sacred space

Space is essential to getting in touch with yourself. I need space to find my peace. There is little peace within our apartment, unless I go into the bathroom, shut the door and run bath water. There I can be alone and uninterrupted in my thoughts.

Today I found peace on a walk in the neighbourhood, weaving in and out of the side streets. What I love most about these streets, besides the fact that they are quieter than the high-traffic, siren-blaring city street that we live on, is that I can get deeper into my head and go places that feel good and right to me.

I experimented today on my walk. I decided to see how far I could go mentally while fantasizing about a ‘perfect life’. My hope was to raise my mental and emotional state to a level that would attract all great things to me. I know these things are waiting for me, but I need to achieve and maintain a higher level of being in order to bring them to me faster. So this is how it went…

I imagined going to a job that I loved, in a place that I admired, doing work that was meaningful and rewarding, working with people who were fun, smart and kind, producing great things, having awesome conversations with my coworkers and all business associates, eating fabulous lunches, wearing great clothes, and basically, enjoying every minute that I spend there.

Then I’d have a pleasant drive home in a gorgeous car which was always clean, and arrive at my home sweet home on a peaceful street lined with cute houses with pretty gardens, white fences or regal gates, and lovely trees with lots of chirping birds.

I’d come home to loved ones who’d had a marvellous day themselves, including my easygoing maintenance-free pets. A heavenly smell would be wafting from the kitchen and we’d soon be sitting down to dinner, but not until we shared a glass of wine. The sun was always shining and lighting up the inside of our house, windows open, but warm floors, and fresh flowers in vases.

Dinner is amazing especially because I didn’t have to cook it myself. We talk, share stories and laugh. After clearing the table we go for a walk, or I putter in the garden with my companion 2^nd glass of wine in hand. The singing of the birds fades as the sun sinks in the sky. My garden patio is my Eden.

I go to sleep with the satisfaction of today behind me and the excitement of tomorrow ahead. When I wake, the sun is always there to invite me into the day. I am up earlier than everyone else, even my neighbors. My world is silent except for the birds and the perking sounds made by the coffee pot.

Walking into my kitchen bathed in morning sunlight, the window is still open from last night and the scent of sweet jasmine is wafting in. I pour myself some organic coffee in the mug that Maria gave me many Christmases ago and walk out the back door onto the sunny stoop with my pets. I watch my pets wander through the garden, butterflies land on flowers, the sun warms my bare legs, the caffeine lifts me and ideas for the day start flowing.

I’ll plant something today. Mom will come over for lunch and we’ll talk for a couple hours about life and stuff. Later I’ll take Maria shopping and we’ll buy whatever we damn well please, because we can. Andy will bring Christie and the 4 of us will meet somewhere nice for dinner and drinks, maybe overlooking the ocean.

All the while I feel so blessed to have found exactly what I’ve been looking for, and I love every moment of my life.

You can see why I didn’t want to come back home after that walk. The fantasy was so real at one point that it brought tears to my eyes. That’s when I knew I was on my way to achieve what I had set out to do. It had felt so good in every sensual and spiritual way to dream that dream. I must go there again, and often. That magical place, my sacred space.