things i need to say

Cam, I love you. Always will. But I said goodbye to you this year and I'm still ok. That is a miracle.

Lee, you were good for my ego. But I still didn't want to fuck you. And I'm glad about that.

Gram & Gramps, I miss you and I think of you often. I hope you're dancing.

Maria, I love you so much more than you know. My heart is broken that you can't let yourself love me back. I miss hugging you and the way you used to say goodnight Mom, I love you, God bless, see you in the morning--those 4 things, always in that order. Please find forgiveness. I long for the day when you realize that everything's not always black or white. Life is so grey. And sometimes things happen and no one is to blame.

Christie, you're so beautiful and sweet with so much to give. I see myself in you. Please don't make the same mistakes that I did. You need to learn how to communicate better and face your fears.

My dear boss, I am so thankful that you survived. You have 6 months of chemo ahead, but you are alive and you have your spirit back. You really scared me. I never knew I cared so much about you until I almost lost you. You are a great man with friends too numerous to count. The power of love is phenomenal.

Rob, you never cease to amaze me. You are goodness in every way. I have grown so close to you and I often think about spending the rest of my days and nights with you. I dream of marrying you in the woods, just you and me among the chipmunks. And making love there. You are the greatest lover, and together we are God. I love our history and I love the fact that we are friends first and foremost. It sounds silly, but I never had that in a partner before. I love how you give me the freedom to explore, even when it takes me away from you. That takes courage. And you have the desire to really know me, in every way. You know I need that.

the christmas pickle

This is the first Christmas that Rob and I agreed to exchange presents. It's our 3rd Christmas together, but until now we always agreed not to exchange. Basically, he's a Christmas rebel, i.e. he does not believe that one should be obligated to give gifts just because it's December 25th. He'd rather buy me something special when he feels like it. Plus, he refuses to get caught up in the commercialism of Christmas. And that's how our relationship has been until now.

This year I changed it up a bit (with his agreement, of course). I wanted to surprise him by taking him to dinner and overnight at a nice inn about an hour's drive from here. That should warrant a blog entry of its own. But until then, my point is that I think I've put him in a spot.

He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Then I asked him, "well, what were you thinking?" cuz I feel strange just blurting out what I want. It seems so selfish, so I was fishing for some help. He said he'd been thinking of getting me a necklace for some time. Hmmm, I thought. He said a necklace, or a laptop. And he quickly explained that a laptop would be meaningful in that he fully supports my need to write, to express myself. I currently share my desktop with 2 teenage daughters, so you can appreciate that a laptop would bring me a lot more computer time (theoretically) and opportunity to escape to my bedroom and write.

So the pickle he's currently in is that in the whole month of December I have chosen neither a necklace nor a laptop. It is Christmas Eve and tomorrow morning he will be opening a present from me. He does not have a present to give to me. Which I don't mind, of course, but can you see what I've done to him?

I have decided that I want a laptop, but have been in no hurry to go pick one out. I keep assuring him that we will go get one after Christmas. In the meantime, dare I say what I really want is a ring. Damn me. I wonder if that's why I can't get my shit together. Of course I wouldn't dream of breathing a word of it. Cuz I know that would make him uncomfortable. And how awkward to ask for a ring. Even though it would be far from an engagement ring.....so...for this year I'll be practical and go with the laptop.

Next year I'll get a ring.

merry christmas eve

Holy smokes, where have I been? I feel like I've been swallowed by the month of December. Now that it's Christmas Eve, and everything's ready to go, I'm just coming up for air.

What I think about Christmas Eve is that it is perhaps the most magical night of the whole year. After the intensity of all the preparation, the stress of shopping, and spending, and baking and wrapping and the onslaught of crappy weather.........it all dies down to a hush on this night.

Everything stops for a moment and it seems that the true meaning of Christmas emerges. For me it's a chance to breathe it in. It's highly emotional as I am reminded of how blessed I am. Sure there are plenty of presents under the tree, but it's not even about that. I'm healthy, I have a decent job, and freedom. But more than anything, it's about the love I feel.

Love for my girls, my family, my boyfriend Rob, and God. And pretty much everyone else. The more love I feel, the more I get. I wish the same for everyone on this planet. Merry Christmas Eve.

a feel good moment

The best way to feel good about
yourself is to do something good for someone else.

I just had the most heartfelt moment. Coming home from work in the pouring rain I was about to turn onto my street, but had to maneuver around a car that had pulled to the side. I made it up my driveway into my garage when I saw headlights behind me. A little old woman got out of the car and skittered up my driveway. She asked what street this was and how to get to her street.

When I tried to explain the simple directions, she became very confused and started to panic. I felt how scared she must be, disoriented by the dark and glare that the rain caused. I said if she just gave me a moment I would get in my car and lead her to her street. And so I did.

About a mile away, I turned onto her street and pulled to the side. I walked back to her car. She was smiling, relieved. She said this was her house and promptly invited me in for coffee...what a sweetheart. I had to decline as my daughter was waiting for a ride, but I wished her a Merry Christmas and honked a friendly goodbye. She stood in her driveway, in the rain, waving me off.

She had said, "Bless you for years and years for helping me". Little did she know I'd already been blessed. I'm blessed every day of my life, in fact. But driving the mile back home to get my daughter I was overwhelmed with the warm and fuzzies. It was an instant reward. I couldn't wait to share my story with my daughter, and with you.

christening the new couch

Rob's new leather couch and chair were delivered today. They're very yummy. After fussing with the final placement of the furniture --2 inches that way...no, back an inch your way--we decided to try it out.

It took awhile for the leather to warm up enough to consider letting it come into contact with me. It had been sitting in a subfreezing delivery truck for God knows how long. When the time came Rob laid me down on it, my head resting on the soft arm. It made a perfect pillow. He climbed on top and warmed me all over with his hungry body.

He got up to peel my pants off, and then his. I liked what I saw and what I felt. By this time the leather had warmed underneath me, so when he climbed on top I was a toasty little sandwich. We made some pretty hot love. I was afraid this afternoon delight would leave its mark on the new purchase. He was disappointed afterwards that it hadn't. Apparently I was more concerned about his new furniture than he was. What I learned today is that leather is quite forgiving.

Two thumbs up!

she's baaaack...

When I started this blog my intention was to explore and share my passions with whoever would listen. My life had most recently been blessed with great relationships, and great sex, plus other exciting adventures typical of a woman newly single by choice. My friends were fascinated on a daily basis and a few were even living vicariously through me.

In the past month, however, I felt myself falling out of Dinamode, weighted by new pressures at work. Other issues piled on adding to my stress and before you know it, I felt rather dull. Dinamo was deflated and sex took a bit of effort the last few weeks. Dreadful.......

But things are looking up now and I am happy to report that Dinamo's back. I've just emerged from a very fulfilling weekend and learned something I should have realized all along. I discovered that my desire for sex with Rob is directly proportional to the degree to which I open my heart to him. Elementary? Yes.

I have gone through these cycles with him before, but never realized it was my doing until now. I always assumed that it was because we were spending too much time together, or it was the usual ups and downs of a relationship or my hormones affecting my desire.

But it's none of those things. My desire is dependent on my willingness to allow the love to flow freely between us. My willingness to get totally lost in the moment with him, to let our bodies meld and our souls speak in their silent language. To hang in the balance of trust and let emotion completely take over. We are rewarded with the most powerful pleasures and a deep love that carries us for days.

This is bliss. This is the passion I want to write about. This is me. And life is good.

"The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire."

~ Field Marshal Ferdinand Foch