Apres sex last night we lay in bed just floating along on the waning tide of endorphins. Andy's on his back. I took my customary favorite spot lying on my left side, head resting in the crook of his armpit/chest, my right leg resting over his. My right hand can't help but feel his balls and wander through the soft jungle where all the wild things are.
We're silent for the most part till his sounds let me know I hit a spot that apparently feels really good. Sooo relaxing this ritual...as much for me as it is for him. I swear I was a man in past lives. Probably more often than I was a woman. I know this by how natural it is for me to handle the male equipment. I feel like it is genuinely mine. I feel the pleasure that he does when I caress all that good stuff down there.
Andy gets very creative after sex with me, and during, so he says. I like to prolong his pleasure and his creativity with all this touching, which I can easily do for half an hour or longer. Sometimes, like he did last night, he shares his creative thoughts.
Last night he said we were lying in an open field. The grass was mostly green with a little yellow, but it was soft, and long, gently bent over into soft mounds. The sun was shining on our naked bodies. No one could see us so we could just lie there together and love the moment.
As he told me of his vision the tone of his voice changed. He was totally tuned into me, and being with me. I had the sense that his heart was wide open. It felt so noticeable, different and intimate. I am not used to feeling that energy from him. It hit me like lightning. And I suddenly realized I couldn't share that openness. My heart understood his, but I wouldn't let it feel the same depth of love. And it made me very sad.
This was a familiar mix of feelings. I well remember the ecstasy of sacred sex (with Rob and with Cam), like actually feeling our two souls uniting, with sex as the facilitator. It is Godly. And I remember when I let my fear block those feelings, like I am doing now. It's the fear that it's not safe to love that deeply--not yet, not right now. How sad that Andy finally gave me this kind of love and I secretly rejected it.
I didn't want to ruin his beautiful moment, so I kept my thoughts to myself. I am not ready to open my heart to him that way when I am not sure that I can stay. There are too many circumstances seemingly out of my control that may lead me away from him. If I have to go back east, he can't come with me. Until I know that things are going to work out for me here, I feel like I have to protect my heart, and his.
Though I must admit, it felt good to know that I could have that depth of love again. Maybe this is a sign of the beginning of good things to come. It sure would be nice to get back to the dream.
