fragile

My phone rang in the middle of a dream last night. I rolled over in my sleepy stupor to answer it.

Andy's voice said are you sleeping?

I said yeah, I think so.

I just got mugged.

---a few seconds of silence---

Oh my God, are you alright? Did they hurt you?

I'm ok, they didn't hurt me. They got my wallet and my ring though.

Oh no, your ring! Are you sure you're alright?

Yeah, I'm over at the neighbors'. They're feeding me wine. I'm pretty calm now, the police just left.

Where were you?

I was walking to the corner to get a taco and they jumped me right by the school.

Oh my God, honey, I'm so sorry. I need to be there with you. (meanwhile I'm freaking at the thought of actually witnessing this whole scene) So what happened?

A guy came running towards me and I thought oh shit. So I looked behind me and another one was coming at me. And there was a 3rd one in the car in the street, so there was nowhere to go.

Three guys? (still freaking, but trying to sound calm for his sake)

Yeah. So the 1st guy points a gun right in my face and says 'gimme your money'

At this point I am completely stunned hearing him use the word 'gun'......

So I gave him my wallet. And then he says 'and the ring', and I said, 'oh not the ring'. And he shouts 'give it!' and pulls it off my hand. And then they take off and jump in the car. And I hear one guy say to the other 'you just gonna let him go? he's seen our license plate' and I'm thinking oh God I'm gonna get shot in the back now. Frig. Thank God they just left. I went to the girls' next door and they called the police and stuff.

I was speechless since hearing that my love had a gun pointed at his face. I don't know what to say. While I was sickened by the whole thing I was also so damned thankful that he was not hurt. But I was very worried about his emotional reaction to everything. And that I couldn't be there to help in any way. Or hug him.

We didn't talk much after that. I think he was sort of in shock, and getting a little drunk. After we hung up I lay there and wondered if that conversation had really happened, because it seemed more like a nightmare. Half an hour later I was questioning whether I had told him that I love him. I couldn't remember saying it, and I wanted him to hear it. So I called his cell, but voice mail picked up. I left him the most sincere message I could manage while stifling my tears.

Sleep escaped me for another hour or so, but I did eventually find some. Which is more than I can say for Andy. We have talked several times today and he seems to be handling things ok. But he hasn't slept yet, and he's been busy replacing his drivers license, credit cards, etc.

Last time we talked his biggest concern was that I wouldn't want to move out there anymore. I can't say I've made that decision, but I am certainly freaked out by this whole thing. I have to consider the safety of my daughter and myself, which means we all might have to move to a more suburban area. But then again, I heard in my local news this morning that a store in a town 5 minutes from here was held up last night. Tis the season I guess. Anyway, I assured him that we would work it out. Together.

Andy said he heard on the news there were a total of 4 armed robberies in his neighborhood last night. Oddly enough he wondered which number he was. I can't imagine what it's like to be him right now. He was so invaded, and momentarily terrified for his life. Our future together was hanging in the balance of that one moment. Our fate rested in someone else's hands and that's pretty scary. Someone who needed drugs, or Christmas money, or who knows what.

In spite of all the anger I should have for these people who almost wrecked my life and ended his, I ask 'what would love do now?' from my favorite book Conversations with God. And then I hear the answer pray for the 3 guys. And I will appreciate even more the love that Andy and I have. You don't wait 29 years for nothing. We deserve this and it will be ours.

hands from heaven

Do you believe in spirits? And do you believe they can transcend the spirit world and touch a human?

I've been waiting for a sign ever since my grandparents died. Gramps went first in 2001, just 2 months before his 90th birthday. He died a happy man and I still picture him looking content with a grin on his face and a sparkle in his hazel eyes. I dreamed about him last week, a treasured few moments in which I got to hug him again.

Grama went 5 years after Gramps, and it wasn't an easy 5 years for her. In fact, it was horrible as she was wrought with anxiety and depression right to the end. Although I had a beautiful moment holding her frail little hand as I said my last goodbye at her bedside, I choose to draw on my childhood and teen memories of her.

I was always her favorite grandchild, I am sure. She wanted good things for me, and I know she smiles now at all the love I have found in my life. She probably even winks at some of my escapades, as I believe the female sex drive runs rampant in my family, inherited straight down the line from Gram.

Anyway.......I have a wind chime in my bedroom that I had always hoped she would ring from beyond. It has never rung. And that's ok, because in the last week, Gram has started touching me. Mostly when I am standing in my kitchen, I feel a warm hand against the left side of my back, behind where my heart is.

I don't feel it away from home, ever. When it first started in my kitchen I immediately thought of her. And so I believe it is her.What else would it be? I welcome it, just as I would welcome her to visit me. I am fascinated by the possibility.

clarity in the fog

The fog was thick as pea soup that morning when I drove 45 mins to work, and the same again 8 hours later when I drove all the way back home. Later that Friday night I was headed 45 mins in yet another direction to pick up Andy from a bar in our hometown where he had gone to see a band with some old friends. Pea soup must've been the special of the day. It was the thickest fog I'd seen in years.

Good thing a little crazy weather never scared me. On the road, white knuckling it in spots, I knew that seeing Andy would be worth the trek. All the while I was hoping to God that a deer didn't decide to dart across the country road.

Just as I'm approaching my usual entrance to the major highway that would open the path and carry me to my man, I notice a detour sign. Shit.

OK, I can do this. The detour leads me toward the winding road that runs right along river. At least I've traveled this route before. Although I can't see more than 10' in front of me, I know the direction I'm going. I immediately felt sorry for anyone from out of town trying to navigate these roads. They could forget about reading street signs. My plan was to slow down and just follow the road, which happened to be damn close to the edge of the water, mind you. Seemed like God was playing a joke on me...testing my limits...

But really, God was showing me something. I suddenly realized the incredible analogy I was living at that moment. Driving through this fog, I couldn't see how I was getting to where I was going, but I knew where I was going. Though I didn't have control over the factors that surrounded me, I had faith that I was going in the right direction, that I would be safe and I would arrive unscathed. I think the most valuable realization was that I wasn't scared. It couldn't have paralleled my challenge of moving to California any better.

Not 2 minutes after my little epiphany, I reached a small town where the road opened up and the fog cleared completely. Really??!! Wow.

There are few moments in life when things like this grab my attention and open my eyes. But when they do, they are so damn precious and powerful. It was such a cool story, I had to tell Andy as soon as I got to him, and I just had to tell you.

he wants me

It's a beautiful thing to be wanted, adored, and to be thought of many times throughout the day. Knowing how much he wants me in his life, and in his house, makes me want to give him exactly that. He says it's forever, and it's fine with me if it works out that way, but I'm going to try to focus on enjoying our new life day by day. Gotta get there first!

nutcase

Sometimes I wonder if I'm bi-polar. There are times when I feel like the world is mine to conquer and I say bring it on, baby! Then there are times when I find myself cornered in a situation that makes me feel incompetent or inadequate, and I doubt everything about myself. I hear my own voice in my head arguing with me, criticizing everything I do and say. I hate that.

These changes usually happen slowly and last days, not minutes. I waft in and out of both scenarios trying to analyze what triggers it. Is it my cycle? Circumstances in my life? Stress? Illness? Or are my brain chemicals just fucked up?

The last time a dark mood swept down on me was during Andy's visit. We were on our trip to the little inn. Actually we'd left the inn and headed into Toronto to meet up with my photographer friend and his girlfriend for dinner. I'd been laughing my ass off all day and was quite adventurous with Andy. Hell, I'd even sat in the middle of a country road to pose for another photo in Andy's Dinamo series.

But later that evening when the 4 of us were catching up over awesome wine and food in the coolest of all restaurants, I felt myself sinking. I saw myself as an outcast as the 3 of them had animated conversation about films I'd never seen, bands I'd never heard of, and all the interesting things they were doing...and I wasn't.

I'm not sure anyone noticed the giant L on my forehead, but it felt like I'd be better off waiting in the car out in the parking lot. To be polite I faked it as best I could, but also felt angry at myself for letting this insecurity infringe on precious time with my boyfriend and friends. WTF??!!

I was relieved to finally leave, but then felt awkward on the long drive back home. Andy could tell I was unusually quiet and asked me what was wrong. I didn't know how to answer at first. I finally said something about not feeling good about myself these days. He was totally supportive and sweet. Although he didn't fix my insecurities (and I wouldn't expect him to), I felt comforted in his concern and receptiveness to me. It felt good to get it out.

The mood lasted a couple more days, and I didn't feel great physically, so it could have been an off-shoot of a virus or something. But I made the best of it with Andy, and it didn't slow down our intimacy in any way ;) . But at the same time I dread its return. I want to feel like the world is mine all the time. I need to feel that way, especially when Andy's not here by my side. Having his support now makes me realize how nice it's gonna be to finally have a permanent partner.

candyass

Andy emailed me this photo with a very succinct message:

Can we do this?

:)

setting the skeletons free

I decided to use our trip to the little country inn to break into some new territory with Andy. You know, I was looking to further our relationship by digging a little deeper and what better place than the cozy, romantic restaurant at the inn...

We were pretty hot and heavy even before dinner, having already christened the kingsize bed in our room. Then we ordered this awesome bottle of red meritage to start off, which made us a little dreamier yet, but also acted as my liquid courage to open up this new conversation.

Andy was so receptive, and he always is, so I don't know why the hell I hesitate to get certain things off my chest. Anyway, I started asking him about his past relationships...to tell me about the good ones, and why the bad ones were bad etc. I already knew about his longterm girlfriend when he lived in NYC, and how and why that ended. And I know about his ex, the mother of his son, and how and why that began, and ended.

But mystery has always surrounded what happened after his divorce and up until now. How did this great guy stay single for so long and not get scooped up by any beautiful California women?? Well, after hearing a few stories about some pretty short term relationships, it appears that California women have their heads screwed on a little crooked. Or a lot.

These women were flighty, or generally lacking direction or ambition or a sense of reality. Maybe all of the above. I know I can't judge them all by Andy's stories. Maybe he just didn't know what he wanted, so he attracted women who also didn't know what they wanted. Somewhere along the line he created a dream that included someone like me, and his dream converged with mine. Lucky us.

I guess my biggest relief was that he wasn't hanging out with sleazy women, or druggies. I think he just got tired of being around women who were used to Daddy bailing them out of their messes, or ones who talked about doing great stuff, but never had a clue how to make it happen. In comes the ultimate planner...me! Plus I have a few other skills he can appreciate. :) It's all good.

So, after he finished telling me about his past, I offered a skeleton out of my own closet. I gave him the lowdown on Franco. This was back in '99. I had fallen in love with this guy before I even met him. We worked on a project together over the phone and by email, and I was so charmed by his personality and the attention he gave me, that I absolutely adored him within a few weeks. When I finally did meet him in person, the sparks flew. He was charming AND gorgeous. I was doomed.

I was 11 years into a marriage that had been slowly dying for years, and Franco woke up every numb nerve in my body. I explained to Andy that I knew getting into this thing with Franco was going to be trouble, but I didn't stop myself. I wanted it more than anything. Let's be clear, though. I never was sexually involved with Franco. I just kissed him and adored him. I only actually saw him like 3 times. But he rocked my world.

My husband found out about us one day and acted as if I had been having a full blown affair. Looking back, I kind of wish I had had the pleasure of fucking Franco since I got accused of it anyway. I had to end the relationship at that point, and I grieved terribly for the next year or more. My husband never forgave me (for what I didn't really do), and the marriage continued to disintegrate for another 7 years. But I persisted in trying to fix it.

Although I repeatedly apologized to my husband for the pain I had caused him, I never regretted having that relationship with Franco. He opened the window to my soul and I am forever grateful to him.

So, there Andy sat in the dimly lit restaurant listening to me tell my story, watching me turn a little flush as I relived the excitement of that time. He smiled. I asked if he wanted to change his mind about me after hearing what I had done. He smiled again.

He couldn't see anything to blame me for. All he could point out is why that would never happen to us. Because he would always make me feel so loved that I would never be looking for it somewhere else. Bottom line is he thinks I am perfect and my ex is a total dufus. I'm not sure I would say it quite that way, but I do appreciate his support.

Some of the skeletons have been set free. There are more, but we have time. We have all the time in the world. And I am seeing that it is safe and good to talk about these things.

temporarily awol

I've got excuses up the ying yang for why I haven't been blogging...

• Andy's in town
• major assignment due in my course
• emotional upheaval
• life's too short
• knickers in a snit

Bottom line is I miss blogging and I hope to get back at y'all soon with some juicy stuff.

a breakthrough or two

Andy's a very happy man. He achieved something on this trip that was very important to him. Mainly, he was able to give me an orgasm. This is not something I do instantaneously or easily or too early in a relationship.

For me, an orgasm has huge emotional requirements. I have to trust my partner implicitly and feel a close bond. Then there's the usual requirements of attraction, love and technique. With each visit over the past year, Andy was growing weary that he wasn't gonna be able to cut the mustard with me. I kept assuring him that it would happen.

And it did this time, on our second night together. His technique's always been good, but I just needed to show him where the bells and whistles are stored. Then he went to the task and claimed his prize. It felt good for me of course, but I was really happy for him.

Then I/we ended up getting another prize on the 3rd day. We had traveled to a very small town out in the middle of nowhere to stay at an inn. Turns out we used up the condoms on days 1 and 2, and there wasn't time to hit the local WalMart before we headed out of town. Three general stores later it was decided that people in that town either had very large families or used alternate methods of birth control.

Oh, back to the prize....! Well, Andy and I started fooling around in our room once we checked in. We knew we couldn't go all the way that night without protection, so we resorted to oral play. And play we did...for the first time without a condom. OMG it was so much nicer without that little bulbous piece of latex hanging there tickling my epiglottis and making me want to gag.

We were tongue to skin finally and it was wonderful. Of course, we gratefully shared that prize on that night and many of the remaining nights of his visit.

it pays to have a sense of humor in the bedroom

"It's different this time," Andy said as we sat on my bed the first night of his visit. "I love you so much, I don't want to be without you any more," he added with an intensity and seriousness I haven't often seen in my playful boyfriend.

We slowly rediscovered each other with all 5 of our senses and no computer screen between us.

Sex was great that night, and hot. He entered me in the traditional way, then soon he had me on top for a session of 69 . The thing is with these reunion nights, you've been starved from each other so long that you just can't get everything you want fast enough. The playground is stocked with amazing toys and you want to play with them all at once.

The mutual licking and sucking was getting hotter by the minute, then he upped the ante by playing with my ass. I'll leave the detail to your imagination...but I'll assure you it was pretty damn hot. Anyway, back to missionary position and he tells me that when he's close to coming he wants to take the condom off so i can watch him shoot it on me cuz there was going to be a lot.

So he's thrusting away and suddenly stops cuz he feels the wave starting. He pulls out and he's kind of perched on his knees. He proceeds to try to pull the condom off fast...from the tip...and it proceeds to stretch to about 18" in length!

All I can see is this piece of rubber reaching its maximum length of stretchability and I intinctively lean to one side feeling like i'm about to get popped in the eyeball with a slingshot. My brain's telling me to get the hell out of the line of fire.

It was actually quite hilarious. I am picturing his poor cock stretching to the same length as this condom, and before you know it we are laughing our friggin heads off. Finally I grab the condom from the base and pull it up and off and the cum of course dribbles out and it's all over. It's been over for awhile.

We missed the grand moment, but we laughed like there was no tomorrow. What a fiasco. The fun begins.

andy eve

My darling arrives tomorrow. As much as this back and forth visiting is turning into a routine for us, tonight I am as excited as a kid on Christmas Eve. I can't wait to be face to face with Andy, touch him, hug him tight, and take him home with me. Not to mention the anticipation of sex!!!!!

And as I usually do the day before the visit, I have thought about how we can progress our relationship, or what we need to learn about each other this time. (When did I become such a goal-oriented person?)

Since he's been making references to marriage from the time I got back from California, I think we need to learn what each other's hopes and expectations about marriage are. I need to ask him what does marriage mean to you? What does it look like?

Maybe even more importantly, Andy should know certain things before he decides he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Can he handle the truth? Like the story about how I fell in love with another man during my 19-year marriage. And how I stress myself out to the point of meltdown a few times a year. Sure, I recover quick, but I depend on my guy pretty heavily in that time. And will he be able to accept my spiritual background--does he care that my entire outlook in life is directed by messages channeled from spiritual beings?

I think I also want to ask him what kind of women he's been with. This is a big mystery to me, and something we've talked very little about. Plus it directly affects my level of comfort in having unprotected sex with him. I would love to get rid of the condoms, but can't do it until I know for sure it's safe. This is some ridiculous amount of self-discipline I've been exercising. For a chick who loves sucking cock, it's pretty inconvenient dealing with a condom. Well, actually it's only the little bulbous thing (reservoir?) that's an issue. Funny enough that dangly thing is the same shape as my dangly thing (epiglottis?) and they do not like each other!

OK, back to my point. I love this man, and I love how we take great leaps forward. I am at the point in my life where I need to know he can deliver what I need, especially considering that I am planning on uprooting my life here and moving myself and my daughter 2000 miles away. Wow, it blows my mind sometimes. And then again it excites me. Kinda like sex.

Stay tuned for the Andy story.