freaky

This is getting too weird. Rob emailed me Thursday saying that he didn't sleep well the night before. He had another crazy dream about me. This one was disturbing.

He dreamed that I was throwing a party in the house where he grew up. (All his dreams lately seem to take place there.) This party was a celebration of my engagement--to Andy. And in this dream apparently I seemed very happy, but I kept trying to sneak off with Rob to a more private spot.

I felt a little creeped out when I read his email describing the dream. First of all, it would have taken place the same night I blogged about my fantasy trip to Greece where Andy and I get engaged. Are we that connected that he is tuning into my feelings, even when I try to keep them private?

Secondly, it is making me wonder if I should cut Rob loose. Maybe this is too hard, too damaging for him. And maybe I'm being a chicken here--afraid to say goodbye just in case I might want him later. Do I need to take the high road and send him off on his own to start a new life without me?

impetuous me

This is where Andy and I will soon be. We are taking a ferry to the island of Santorini in May, my favourite month. We have booked a suite in this private hideaway for a month thanks to the advance he just received from Hallmark for signing a huge merchandising deal earlier this week.

When we get there we will check into our room, and immediately make love. The bed and all the sheets will be bright white. The floor clean and hard, covered only by a few small area rugs. There will be fresh flowers in the room--2 gerbera daisies. It's hot there, but not sweltering. The ceiling fan keeps us cool inside.

After we make love, we will walk out through the glass doors onto our balcony overlooking the Aegean Sea. We are still naked. He is still dripping out of me. We stand on the balcony holding hands, kissed by the sun, and basking in God's presence.

I kiss Andy's mouth, his face in my hands. His eyes speak love and I know we've come to the right place. We are hypnotized by the vastness of blue surrounding us. The deep blue sea, the cloudless sky, and the painted domes of the building adorned with crosses. Our eyes both come to rest on the symbols. And then our eyes meet.

Andy faces me and takes my hands in his. The moment is here. This is going to be great.

We're going to Greece, yes. Finally I'm going to Greece with the man I will love forever. The man I will grow old with. No more looking, no more wondering. This is it.

Ahhh, such an indulgence. Keep thinking and feeling like this, and I shall will it into reality.

Rob--the new Cam

Something very profound has happened. I have recreated the intense connection I had with Cam, in Rob. I would have never thought it possible.

Rob came over the night after our last lovemaking session--the one in which he let himself completely fall into me. He thought it was important that we talked about what had happened. He was afraid that it might have weighed heavily on me. What he wanted me to know is that despite it being a very intense experience for him (one to which I responded the same way), it did not change his expectations of me or our relationship.

He said that he still accepted that I am searching for something else and that I might leave him. He didn't want to stifle his love based on fear. He had decided to keep on loving fully and openly. And he encouraged me to love freely too, whenever I felt like it, without fear of his expectations changing.

Having been somewhat floored by his generosity and strength, I commented that it sounded like he was giving me unconditional love. I told him how beautiful it was and that he sure had changed since I first met him. He teared up at those words, and so did I.

He regained his composure and related a story that I found most curious. He remembered back to our early months together when I was still in love with Cam. At that time he couldn't understand my connection to Cam. He didn't know what I meant when I said that Cam and I were connected at a very deep level in that I always felt him near and knew that he loved me no matter what.

Rob said that it has all become clear to him now. That is how he feels about me. He realizes that regardless of our physical location, we will always be together spiritually. We would be able to pick up at any time, to revive the intensity we have experienced together. It will never die.

I think this makes us soulmates.

As I lay in bed after the mindblowing sacred sex that ensued, I wondered what God was trying to tell me. I wonder why I am so blessed? I have had Cam love me like no other man ever did before or after. He knew me better than I knew myself. He was my guide, my emotional mentor.

I so longed for those traits in a partner--and that was the hardest thing to leave behind when I had to say goodbye to Cam. And now I have those things in Rob. How in the world do I keep getting this?

What's even more magnificent about all this is that Andy emailed me a picture today...the picture posted with this blog.

freefall

A great poet once wrote:

the only way to really know a city is to get lost in it.

That's fair, but can the same be said for love?

I say yes. If you truly want to know the depths of love, you must throw caution to the wind and dive right in. Let yourself freefall into the unknown. Let it envelop you and permeate you. Leave all fear behind and let the love form who you are.

Rob came to me last night. Here's a man who has all the reason in the world to fear loving me. I have already voiced my wishes to experience something other than what he can give me. He knows I love somebody else. He also knows I will likely leave the area in the coming year. But instead of focusing on his fear of losing me in the future, he is choosing to love me in the present.

This takes an incredible amount of faith, and love. In fact, I'd call it unconditional love. It's something I thought I'd never get from Rob.

We were making love. It was very passionate and emotional. At one point he looked into my eyes and said I am just falling into you. I told him please do, I'll hold you. He broke down and wept as he reached climax. He spilled into me emotionally, physically and spiritually.

God was watching, and smiling, as His children loved each other.

curvaceous and delicious

Rob emailed this picture to me last week while I was away on business. He took it himself while standing in the bathroom mirror. I think he wanted to heat me up so that I'd be good and ready for him when I got back home.

I've talked about my fascination for armpits before. I've always admired Rob's in particular, as they are framed by such beautifully defined shoulders, pecs, lats and biceps. I've kissed every inch in appreciation. Lately I've discovered a new way to enjoy them with my mouth.

It was only about a week ago that I licked them for the first time. He doesn't wear deodorant when we get together because he knows I love his natural scent. (I also love how he smells after he's been fucking me, but that's another story.)

He was clean and ready. I start by touching and rubbing my face along his skin and the hair on his chest. I licked his nipple and lingered there awhile. Then I worked my way over to his armpit. It was such a turn on to actually run my tongue up the length of it, following the curve along the way. His soft fur became wet and matted down. I felt like a mother animal cleaning its baby.

There's something very taboo about this luscious activity and that made it even sexier. And when he groaned in pleasure, I was over top with excitement.

Later when he took his turn playing with me, he climbed on top, wove his fingers with mine and raised my hands over my head. Then he very gently kissed my armpit three times in a row. I never knew how sexy that could feel. It's such a hidden spot, completely ignored, and in fact, off limits to everyone but yourself when shaving.

It appears there's a new toy in the playground.

2 valentines, 1 day

I guess you could say I'm very lucky. Lucky to have two men that are head over heels in love with me. Unlike the majority of middle-aged single women, I no longer believe that good men are hard to find. (But I do still believe that hard men are always good to find!)

I chose to spend this Valentine's Day with Andy. We hadn't talked or seen each other all day yesterday, so we decided to connect today...on Skype. Not that we had anything special planned. Just the usual hanging out and talking about our present, our past, and quite a bit about our future. It was exciting.

About 6 hours and 4 dropped connections later, we hung up. But it had been very fulfilling in that our relationship progressed and we were looking ahead in a more serious way. During all this, Rob had called hoping to see me, but I told him that I was "getting a lot of stuff done". Afterwards, I felt bad. I had gone to Rob's last night, totally exhausted and not in the mood. He spent the evening holding me and taking care of my needs while I promptly delivered nothing in return.

I called Rob back and apologized. I've been really tired lately because of work, but also I've been struggling with my attraction to him. After having some time alone to think, I realized that I have not been in the mood lately because I've kind of stuffed my feelings towards him. Well, duh. I've been spending hours each day Skyping with Andy.

The phone call with Rob was filled with emotion and I realized that he and I haven't talked in depth about my feelings since Andy's visit. We declared that we needed to hash all that out. He went to bed sad. When I went to bed, I lay there thinking of how he must feel. I suddenly felt an urge to be close to him, to give instead of receive. I made a run for it...

I drove around the corner to Rob's house, let myself in to his house, and crawled into bed with him. It made me feel wonderful. My emotion bubbled over and I cried while I held him. I wanted to make love and we did, naturally and beautifully. I spent the night which is something I haven't done at his house in almost a year. I felt good to be able to give him myself and my love.

better than everything

It's hard to believe that Andy flew home only one week ago today. I still feel him here, but it seems like a month since I could touch his face with more than my eyes.

My heart has stayed with him big time. Even when I'm with Rob, I am thinking about Andy. Andy is the first smile of the morning and my last tear at night.

What I remember as most meaningful about our visit was how comfortable it felt right from the beginning. Talking seemed so much easier in person than on Skype the last 4 months. We covered a couple delicate topics and nobody felt awkward.

Sleeping together was very natural. He didn't snore, he cuddled when I wanted to, and gave me space when I needed it. He didn't mind when I spooned him in the morning or crawled up next to him in the middle of the night, or woke him up by softly touching his face. I could sleep with him forever. It was a dream.

Andy totally fit into my home. It was as if he had lived here for years. He was so good with Christie--I'll tell ya, that's a quick way to a mother's heart! They talked and joked and it was completely wonderful how everybody got along. He was even great with my dog. Andy seemed more relaxed than I've ever seen him, and just plain happy.

The magic was in the everyday, and that's what I found so incredible. I didn't have to wait until we were in bed making love or out having a romantic dinner. It was in those moments when I'd be driving and I'd catch him staring over at me adoringly. When I offered to make him jasmine green tea and he responded with that's what we should name our daughter--Jasmine Green.

Or, my favourite, when he played Brian Jonestown Massacre's Anemone on his laptop and grabbed me for a slowdance in the kitchen. I couldn't help but remember how much I envied my friend Carol when I heard that her husband used to slowdance with her in their kitchen.

Some things are just signs that way. The one that floored me was when Andy looked at me and said you're better than everything. It was an almost eerie echo from the past. Cam, my deepest love ever, used to say to me you're better than anything.

saint Rob

Let's not forget about the man that made this all possible. What I mean is, it was Rob's understanding and patience that allowed me to delve into a new experience that I craved, without feeling bad about it.

What man could do this? What man could let a woman he loves go in a direction that could lead her away from him? Apparently Rob can. He's done it twice before, and it's gruelling, he says. Though this time was much more serious because he knew that I planned to be intimate with Andy, when in the past I had not.

He let me go because he knew I needed to do this. That's the benefit of all the talks we had about the subject--everything from safe sex to what are you going to do with the painting when I come over?

I tried to consider Rob's feelings throughout my two extended weekends with Andy. I replied to a couple emails he'd sent me and I even called him one morning while Andy was in the shower. I felt I needed him to know I hadn't abandoned him. And in between the weekends with Andy, I did go to Rob's house...

We didn't know what to expect regarding our feelings for each other once I'd been intimate with Andy. But it turned out there was still a spark. And lots of loving care. He was happy to see me, and so was his penis. I must say I was thankful for that. We got reacquainted talking on the couch, but before long we were in bed.

Sex was great. I wanted his big cock and he was glad to give it to me. I needed an orgasm and he willingly delivered. His pride swelled even bigger than his cock that night. I felt physically satisfied and perhaps a little sad. Sad for both the men I love.

I went back with Andy a few days after being with Rob. Andy and I grew much closer in that 2nd weekend, but we didn't evolve much further sexually. That was ok with me. I feel that people need time to learn each other. And I do not feel rushed for time with Andy.

By the time Andy left, I felt bonded to him. I felt as if he was my primary boyfriend and my most promising prospect for the future. I hadn't a clue how we were going to erase the 2500 miles between us, but it was only the feeling that mattered.

I've since been with Rob a couple times. Both were good visits, with open and caring discussion, and lovemaking. I was not nearly as attracted to Rob this time, but he was very comforting to me, more like a friend. I didn't feel quite right though, having Rob in my bed. I felt that having him over violated what little I had left of Andy here. I didn't enjoy removing Andy's painting from above my bed. I didn't want to part with Andy's energy at all. In fact, I struggled when I had to toss the sheets he'd slept on into the washing machine.

Being with Rob always begins casually for me now. But somehow we get pulled into each other the closer we get to the peak. When it's all over, my heart opens and I start feeling sad. I question myself and wonder if I am throwing away something good. The closeness, the history, the connection. They really are gifts of God. I've often sensed God joining us right in the bedroom. I have no doubt about it.

But God has also shown me that I can have what I want. He's shown me that I can recreate love. There is not only one true love. I've had Cam, I've had Rob, and now I have Andy.

ducks ducks everywhere!

Man oh man, I have a lot on my mind. I find myself getting lost in thought every spare moment I have. Which basically means when I am driving and when I am falling asleep.

I don't feel troubled per se, but I do feel a need to sort out my various issues and then prioritize...or better yet, plan. Rob has witnessed me in this mode before, which he calls 'getting your ducks in a row'. It's my nature. I need to understand my situation and take control of it.

The most exciting issue is right at the forefront, with a capital A. Andy. What do we do next? He is back on the West coast missing me and thinking we need to be together on a permanent basis, and soon. I am inspired and flattered by his desire. It's an exciting opportunity, but also a huge undertaking. I have a daughter who's in high school for 3 1/2 more years, all my family's here, my steady job (though that's one thing I'm looking to improve upon), there's still a lot I don't know about Andy, etc etc.

I need to think this one through because there is a lot at stake for me to make such a big move. I want to be careful not to put the cart before the horse. After all, it might trample the ducks who are running amok right now.

My job is another big issue. It's not only about my personal finances, but the fact that I am working way too hard for what they're paying me. I fear I'm getting burned out and I do feel undervalued. Annual raise time is coming in March. Shall I give them one last chance to make it right? It's tempting to leave and make a change, but then again I've just hit my 5 year mark which earns me another week's vacation. Plus I really do like the work. I'm not convinced I would like something else better.

OK, other issues. My dog is not well. I am afraid I'll have to get tests done by the vet and it's going to cost me hundreds of dollars. Not to mention the emotional upheaval it will cause me, and Christie. Also, I am worried about my mother. She's 72 now and very lonely. She needs a man!! I feel I need to spend more time with her and take care of her, but this is very difficult based on my busy schedule and the fact that I live an hour away from her.

And then there's my dad. I try to visit him in the hospital every couple weeks. I like to see him, it's just difficult to make the time. And then there's Rob. Although he's dealing with the Andy issue all right, we still have some things to work through and I don't want to lose him as a friend, and maybe not even as a lover.

My health is GREAT and I want to keep it that way. I am also very happy. I LOVE having the adoring attention of not only one man, but two. My daughter Christie is the joy of my life, and she is also happy and healthy. I am so blessed. Even things with Maria are stable these days. All my relationships are good, and I truly feel that is the most important aspect of my life.

Though I don't feel I have a right to complain, I just thought that if I downloaded my thoughts here, it would help get my ducks in a row.

return to Skype

So Andy flew home today. There he sits on the West coast in balmy sunshine while I'm left behind in the dismal depths of winter, wrapped in blankets, a sad substitute for him. Feeling sorry for myself? Yeah, a little bit.

But I was the first one he called when his plane landed today. He wanted me to know he was alright...and that he loved me and missed me terribly. I smiled. I invited him to turn around and fly back to me.

I found myself anxiously driving home from work anticipating a Skype call with him. As if I hadn't seen him in days. Well, actually I hadn't! He rang me up and suddenly he appeared in that old familiar pixellated fashion. But at least he was there.

We shared tidbits and stories. Like he mentioned that 4 different people have asked him if he got married. That was interesting. Today I found myself saying something that surprised even me. Someone at work walked up to my desk and saw a picture of Andy on my screen. He asked, oh is that your husband? And without thinking, I said yes. Then he said really?? And I said, well, he will be. Where did that come from? That's the second time that kind of thing happened. I wonder if it's my subconscious. Maybe I have Turret's.