Wednesday, February 29, 2012

groovin' - in a state of pranic


So I'd sent out new feelers--to the animal shelter to volunteer, and to Carly for inspiration and girl-bonding. My number one priority was to start feeling awesomely happy again, whatever that took!

Finding a job had been pushed further down the list, but was not forgotten. I had the notion that I needed to network in a different way, especially after drawing that Oblique Strategies card that told me to abandon known instruments. Networks are everything when it comes to finding a new job. I know that because every single job I'd ever gotten, in one way or another, had been through someone I knew. And because my network here in LA is still sadly limited I needed to expose myself to more people, other types of people, besides Andy's friends.

I started looking for groups to join. Two birds, one stone: I'll make friends and just might get a lead on a job. I found this great website which allows you to search for groups in your area based on your interests. Once you join the group they email you notifications of upcoming meetings, as well as recommendations of other groups you might like to join. Holy shit--the possibilities are endless!

I wish I'd thought of this group idea sooner...it was a late, but incredible, discovery. Long story short, one group I joined was offering pranic healings. I'd never heard of that, but I've done Reiki, which I thought might be similar. I was gung ho to try it.

I went alone hoping to connect to some cool people (California hippies) and possibly leave there feeling better about life with a healing of some sort. Normal looking people filed in one by one until there were about 10 of us. No one was very outgoing, so I made small talk to a couple people sitting close to me. A middle aged man stood up and introduced himself as the group leader and proceeded to tell us what to expect of this 3 hour evening.

We began with some light exercises to wake up our energy centers and prepare us for accepting the divine energy. As a group we followed a 30-minute meditation by some pranic healing master on CD. This was the point I first started to feel my emotions loosen. A few tears rolled down my face as I visualized the people in my family that I wanted to shower with love and protection.

Having survived the meditation and more exercise rituals, I was excited to get to the healing part. I was assigned a female healer who'd been sitting among us though I didn't realize who she was until this point. She started by explaining to me that I could ask her to work on anything that I needed, whether it be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. She would be healing me by way of clearing blockages in my chakras (energy centers), without touching me, as I sat quietly, eyes closed, and fully "open" to receiving a healing.

I stated my need to feel confident again; confident about my abilities and the way I express myself. I'd been reluctant to share my opinions or speak my truth to anyone here in California (except Carly) and was convinced that no one cared what I had to say and no one wanted to listen to me or hire me. That was all my healer needed to hear. I closed my eyes and she began her work.

For the next 45 minutes I took a journey inside my head and heart. It was like convoluted movie clips playing in my head (kind of like the boat ride in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, but with all good stuff). I was aware of feeling my heart opening, so much that I could sense love flowing in and out of it like warm lava.

There was a scene in which every nice thing people ever told me about myself was repeated--there was Rob, Cam, Lee, my bosses, my colleagues, friends, my grandma, my daughters, and random strangers who'd commented on how beautiful my smile is. Tears poured down my face in streams. It felt good, though I was afraid my white shirt would be drenched and covered with run-off makeup when this was all over.

Later in the healing I saw myself as a tree, a beautifully graceful tree with bare branches like thin fingers reaching up to the sky. Suddenly whitish-pink flowers bloomed over the entire tree, like a giant magnolia in prime season.

These are the things I was most aware of. Every time my mind wandered to my older daughter Maria, more tears gushed out. It was all part of the healing, I am sure. Again, when it was over and I'd opened my eyes, I was acutely aware of the feeling of love pulsing through the middle of me and surrounding me like a blanket. I felt as if I could love anything or anyone at that time, no matter how awful or ugly it/they were. Is this how God feels?, I wondered. Actually I didn't wonder, I knew. This was divine love.

After the healing, my healer and I had a conversation about what I'd been experiencing since I moved to LA. She reinforced the fact that I chose to come here and that I am supposed to be here. She said I chose this place and these circumstances to force myself to deal with longstanding issues. It would be an intense healing journey, meaning fast and furious, but it would be a permanent one. She gave me a few pointers on how to deal with people and businesses here and assured me this is all going my way.

I had to center myself again before I could actually get in my car and drive back home. I was feeling absolutely renewed, uplifted and completely hopeful in knowing that once again, I had life by the balls. I continued to float in this blissful state for the next few days and did everything I could to preserve the feeling. I prayed, meditated, practiced love and repeated affirmations whenever I was alone (so that Andy and Christie wouldn't think I'd totally lost it).

I've been back for 2 more pranic healings since then. Neither had the profound effect that the first one did, but they were still very worthwhile. I took my younger daughter Christie and she had a very similar experience to mine--an intense feeling of love as well as symptoms that cleared for 3-4 days. She needs to go again, and I will too. How can I ever resist something that good? I haven't felt that close to God in a long time. Too long.

Well, the group atmosphere was definitely more about getting healed than making friends or finding job leads, but I will gladly accept the gifts I've been given! And who knows...there could be many more gifts in store for me. :)

Friday, February 17, 2012

getting the groove back - with a friend


The decision to volunteer should have been a no-brainer. During previous low points in my life I found that giving of myself was the key to feeling good again. Why do I forget these things? I suspect I'd save a lot of time and misery if my memory was better.

I was in dire need of someone to lean on. I'd been trying hard not to unload too much of my own worries on Andy for fear he'd freak out. I felt he was at his limit for my frustration and if I told him how I honestly felt, he'd dive into a perpetual state of worry. But I just had to vent to someone, confess all my ugly thoughts and fears.

This is where Carly came in. I actually met Carly at Andy's ex-wife's birthday party a few months ago. Carly is friends with both Andy and his ex-wife. I should mention there's no animosity whatsoever between the ex-wife and me. In fact I like her, but not enough to confide in her. Carly, on the other hand, extended herself to me right from the start. She was sweeter than sweet, and we both have a deep interest in spiritual things and the metaphysical.

So I called on Carly to be my friend. We met out at a restaurant on a Saturday afternoon. She had a salad. I had zucchini bread, a coffee and the pep talk that I desperately needed. I told her how dismal my outlook had become, and how I feared I'd have to move back east if I didn't get a job by May. I also shared with her that I couldn't complain any more to Andy because he just couldn't handle it.

Carly let me blather on, but it didn't take long. Just saying it out loud once was a big relief. She was so empathetic and responsive. Her concern for me was genuine. She didn't try to wash it over with an "oh, everything's going to be fine". Instead she gave me inspiration to simply ask the higher powers to show me opportunities and to give me everything I need to recognize them, go after them, and achieve them. Her enthusiasm and belief were contagious. I became as animated and excited as she was about what was about to happen for me.

She might as well have dropped some magic powder in my coffee, but that visit with Carly was like a drug. She was definitely God-sent. And I was grateful for her understanding, her guidance and her inspiration. I left there feeling like a million bucks. But looking back, that was only the beginning!

to be continued...

Saturday, February 11, 2012

how dinamo got her groove back - step 1


One day last week I decided I needed some serious help to dig me out of the goddamn rut I've been in for the past few months. I turned to Andy's set of Oblique Strategies cards. I felt I had little to lose and a lot to gain. After all, Andy began his career in art based on the card he drew 20 years ago. I opened the box and chose one from about 2/3 the way down the deck.

Abandon normal instruments it said.

I stepped back. O...k...how do I interpret this? First thing that popped into my mind was stop doing what you've been doing (to try to find a job). I felt a huge sense of relief that I didn't have to force myself to go through that wretched process anymore.

I spent the next couple days purposely not looking for a job. Instead I decided to seek something I could do immediately to make me feel good. After finishing a shot of whiskey I set out to volunteer. This would be ideal for changing my whole state of mind which had gotten pretty ugly...certainly too ugly to attract my dream job.

I knew in a volunteer situation no one would reject me. I'd be helping someone else, fill hours of my time, plus it would get me out of the apartment and allow me to feel like a productive and valuable human being again. That was it! That was how I was going to turn things around!

The lucky beneficiaries of my time and dedication will be homeless animals. To be able to help out at a local shelter I do have to study some material and pass a test, along with some training. But I'm good with all that. I love having a goal and a purpose. And who doesn't love the doggies? Christie and I are both going to volunteer. She needs community hours for school, and I need my sanity back.

I realize I can't run from the job hunt indefinitely. But steeping in a brew of anger, frustration and worthlessness was getting me nowhere real fast. I should have known I needed to correct the thinking, but I couldn't seem to do it myself. Oblique Strategies helped, but so did some other things...

(to be continued)

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

s.o.s.


Some days I feel really close to waving the white flag. Los Angeles, I give up. You win. I'll tuck my tail between my legs and go back to where I came from.

Insecurity sucks. Using my nest egg just to meet the bills is not what I planned. Having corporate LA reject me because I "just moved here and am at risk of moving back" means I have to remain unemployed for a year or longer before I get a job?? And then what...? "You've been unemployed for too long, sorry."

I'm not usually a negative person. But honestly, I've never had to work so hard to be accepted, to get what I want or need. I wonder, when will this end and what will it have cost? My pride and my confidence have taken just as big a hit as my bank account. I'm not sure how much more I can take.

Andy reassures me daily that everything will work out...that it just takes time. He also tells me about 5 times a day that I am beautiful and how happy he is that I am here. I appreciate his love and support, but why don't his words make me feel better?

Although I can usually hold it together for appearance's sake, inside I am crying. However, I do have an escape. One of my secret comforts is imagining myself in Rob's arms while he runs his fingers through my hair for hours. Another source of comfort is sifting through old Gmail exchanges with Cam. That's where I found this tidbit, another one of my cries for help for a different crisis in my life:
I need your help. What I really want is for you to be here right now, so I can shamelessly unload on you, have you tell me everything's going to be all right, and completely believe you. God, I miss you.
His words held such power for me. It's as if I could hang my troubles like a sopping wet coat on his almighty hook and just walk away feeling light and free. He'd come back with this:
I will say that it’s only through confusion that clarity can happen. Sometimes when we’re in the middle of a mess the only thing we can do is get through it. Sometimes things don’t make sense, like there’s no big picture to see. Embrace the mystery and don’t think there is an answer. See what happens.
I love you with all my heart,
cam
I wonder what he'd say now and if it would bring me the same peace as it used to. I may never know, because I won't contact him. I do sometimes reach to Rob for emotional support although I try not to. But still I feel both Cam's and Rob's love even when they're not actively giving it. And that is definitely worth something. For some reason, I still need it.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

sex perfection


One of the things I love about long term relationships is the evolution of the sex. Not until you're with someone day after day, and possibly night after night, do you have the chance to have sex often enough that you can experiment with its nuances in the hopes of reaching perfection.

Andy and I are getting to the point where we are trying variations on a few of our favorite sexual routines (please note that the word routine does not imply boring in any shape or form). We now exchange orgasms more often per week than we eat meat. Talk about healthy living!

It usually starts like this:
Somebody grabs the other one's crotch in the kitchen/walking by/while getting dressed. Lots of kissing and groping. Work our way into the bedroom assuming we're not already there/if the kid's home. Andy lays me down on the bed and more kissing and groping, this time underneath the clothes. Clothes are peeled off. Skin touches...ahhhh. Under the covers (it's still winter).

And then...
The sucking starts. One of us goes down on the other. This almost always (lately) turns into 69 with him on top. And I think it's kind of rare for the guy to be on top because when I tried to google images of 69 with man on top, there were none to be found. Love it! I am indeed a lucky girl.

Andy works his magic on me in a rather expert way, with several months' practice behind him. Let's say he knows his way around the plumbing. And it's all the hotter for me because while he is pleasuring me I am totally pinned down, with his c*** f****ing my f***.

My mind immediately drifts to a recurring fantasy of an office scenario where he's my boss, and before I can go home for the day I have to get him off while he eats me on top of his desk. I can just see it--heels and all. Actually heels and nothing. It's all very dirty and dutiful, but I am good at my job. He pays me well and rewards me with bonuses. Plain and simple, I love serving him.

So yeah, this fantasy gives me good Os on a regular basis. He coaxes it out of me like a slippery, sweet prize. I feel its approach from a warm glow to a raging heat, then it kind of buzzes its way through me. It's a very pleasant buzz, mind you, but I think it could be better. I'm looking for the big KA-POW! Maybe it has to do with the upside-down position. So today I've asked him to experiment with his technique once I reach the peak. And he'll know when that is.

Andy was glad I asked. He doesn't mind trying new things or 'having' to do things over and over again. I'm not sure I've ever met a guy who liked pussy so much. Like I said, I'm a very lucky woman. In fact, we could both use more practice to achieve perfection. I'm looking forward to it. Counting the hours, actually.

Friday, February 3, 2012

mystery guest



Let's say you have the chance to spend time with any one person of your choosing for the next bunch of hours or forever how long you want...who would that person be? Who, at the thought of having one-on-one time with him/her, would excite you the very most? Is it someone famous? The hottest lover you ever had? Someone close to you who died? A historic figure?

Although a few people come to mind, I think the key to choosing is listening to your gut. For me, I'd use this fantasy date to recreate or fulfill the deepest feelings within me. I would gladly invest this time in someone with the power to carry me to mental and emotional spaces that I need to go.

This is someone who is completely out of bounds for me. I've banished him from my current life because he is a total distraction if I allow him to be, and I am much too vulnerable to fight the influence of his presence. I've been so completely absorbed by his attention and care in the past that my heart now bears scars from the experience. Even those scars I embrace because his name is carved in them. Damn me!


Out of sight, but never out of mind for most of the last 35 years, Cam is the one I'd choose for this fantasy. I admit it. More than my current partner Andy, or beloved heroes Gandhi and Princess Diana, or Maria, the daughter I recently re-bonded with and miss very much, I would want to spend time with my old lover Cam. (Thank God this is an anonymous blog.)

So what would my mystery guest and I do? Drink wine in a private place with sultry soulful music playing in the background. Gaze. Smile. He'd ask me how I feel and what I think. And we'd hold hands. He'd get into my head and stir things up. He'd make me feel things I'd kept hidden for a long time. He'd make me say things I never felt safe to say before.

Safe, yes. Like leading me on an expedition of my soul. Traversing the peaks and valleys of my past, lighting up dark caves to see what's lurking within. Diving into unfamiliar waters and being swept away by a current much stronger than me. Allowing myself to sink in quicksand knowing that he's there to pull me out before I am swallowed. And I know he would. Not only would I arrive unscathed, I'd be whole.

Cam always said he wanted to help me go deep to heal old wounds. But he dared not start what he couldn't finish. He knew we couldn't be together long enough to work through it, so he backed off from giving me what I most wanted from him. And that sucks because I needed his help and now continue in my life pretending to be whole. But instead I feel somewhat fractured. Deep down I want someone to crawl into that space and help repair it.

In my fantasy I go back to that place with Cam and let him work his magic. Total surrender and trust. He was never afraid of the darkness he might find in me, in fact he's had plenty of his own. We'd cry together, and love, and laugh, and probably cry again. We are soulmates that communicate despite the distance and silence that have separated us. But still our hearts know.

And we both know this.