mystery guest

Let's say you have the chance to spend time with any one person of your choosing for the next bunch of hours or forever how long you want...who would that person be? Who, at the thought of having one-on-one time with him/her, would excite you the very most? Is it someone famous? The hottest lover you ever had? Someone close to you who died? A historic figure?

Although a few people come to mind, I think the key to choosing is listening to your gut. For me, I'd use this fantasy date to recreate or fulfill the deepest feelings within me. I would gladly invest this time in someone with the power to carry me to mental and emotional spaces that I need to go.

This is someone who is completely out of bounds for me. I've banished him from my current life because he is a total distraction if I allow him to be, and I am much too vulnerable to fight the influence of his presence. I've been so completely absorbed by his attention and care in the past that my heart now bears scars from the experience. Even those scars I embrace because his name is carved in them. Damn me!

Out of sight, but never out of mind for most of the last 35 years, Cam is the one I'd choose for this fantasy. I admit it. More than my current partner Andy, or beloved heroes Gandhi and Princess Diana, or Maria, the daughter I recently re-bonded with and miss very much, I would want to spend time with my old lover Cam. (Thank God this is an anonymous blog.)

So what would my mystery guest and I do? Drink wine in a private place with sultry soulful music playing in the background. Gaze. Smile. He'd ask me how I feel and what I think. And we'd hold hands. He'd get into my head and stir things up. He'd make me feel things I'd kept hidden for a long time. He'd make me say things I never felt safe to say before.

Safe, yes. Like leading me on an expedition of my soul. Traversing the peaks and valleys of my past, lighting up dark caves to see what's lurking within. Diving into unfamiliar waters and being swept away by a current much stronger than me. Allowing myself to sink in quicksand knowing that he's there to pull me out before I am swallowed. And I know he would. Not only would I arrive unscathed, I'd be whole.

Cam always said he wanted to help me go deep to heal old wounds. But he dared not start what he couldn't finish. He knew we couldn't be together long enough to work through it, so he backed off from giving me what I most wanted from him. And that sucks because I needed his help and now continue in my life pretending to be whole. But instead I feel somewhat fractured. Deep down I want someone to crawl into that space and help repair it.

In my fantasy I go back to that place with Cam and let him work his magic. Total surrender and trust. He was never afraid of the darkness he might find in me, in fact he's had plenty of his own. We'd cry together, and love, and laugh, and probably cry again. We are soulmates that communicate despite the distance and silence that have separated us. But still our hearts know.

And we both know this.