Sunday, August 29, 2010

beautiful earth

I need to backtrack in the chronology of my trip and tell you about something so very beautiful. It's called Earth. Earth from 30,000 feet.

On our flight to LA last week, Christie and I dozed for awhile with the shade pulled down over the window. Some 3-4 hours into the flight she decided to peek outside (good mom that I am I gave her the prized window seat). At first we saw this:


I'm thinking it's a long time since I flew over farmland, but I don't recall ever seeing circular patches of crops. When did that happen? How can circles be more efficient than squares? Ah, what the hell, just enjoy the view. No need to question or analyze it, we are on vacation! It obviously takes me awhile to decompress. Christie wasn't quite as curious as I was about the circles. Nor was she analyzing anything other than how she was going to meet Nick Jonas in this lifetime. Another half hour and the landscape changed again.


I asked myself is that snow? Or is it morning clouds hanging in a mountain valley? Either way, I was impressed. Christie not so much...Mom, I'm bored. At this point I'm both intrigued and peeved. Peeved with myself for not having checked a map of the US before I left so that I would know what the hell I was looking at. So I'm guessing I was over Colorado...? Are these the Rockies?

Then things got realllly interesting. Or I thought so anyway. Christie gave up her window seat realizing I needed it a hell of a lot more than she did. She got my seat next to the sleeping Asian man. I moved into her spot and this is what I saw.

Wow! Isn't that gorgeous?! The Earth was turning red and getting more lustful by the minute. I got excited suddenly realizing that HOLY SHIT I might see the Grand Canyon after all! It's a destination I've dreamed about since the days of Cam (who lives in AZ). We used to talk about going there together. Later, Rob and I had talked about a trip there too, but it never happened because Andy came along and ruined Rob's plans.

It got prettier, even sexy with its deep crevices and jaggedness. What a fascinating land we live on.


I felt very blessed to see the earth from this vantage point. Some people never get to see this. Like my dad, although he wanted to so badly. Travelling to the canyon with my uncle many years ago (who was set on finding a store so he could get a fridge magnet to add to his collection), they ran out of time to see the canyon before dark. They couldn't find a hotel anywhere close the area that night and had to drive out of town, never to return the next day. My dad was so disappointed. I felt heartbroken when he told me the story. So when I saw it from the air, it felt so very special.

It's really a gift to step back from our concentrated focus, to break free from the detail for once and breathe in the expansive beauty of this planet earth.

Friday, August 27, 2010

dinamo meets the ocean

Today in Santa Monica the ocean air is fresh, my toes are burned, my heart is full.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

pacific here i come


Whoa! Here I sit with the trip to California only a day and a bit away. It's almost surreal now that it's finally here. I finished all my tasks at work today as if I were never to return. Wouldn't that make a good chapter in my autobiography someday?

I'm going to miss my laptop, and probably my quiet time and my privacy. Andy, Christie and I will be living in close quarters for a week. But I will be gaining an experience of a lifetime...My first trip to the West Coast, to dip my toes into the Pacific, awestruck and humbled by its vastness. The ocean is a place of spiritual connection for me. How can it not be? There will be tears, as there always are when I feel God.

I've asked Andy if we could go to the beach alone one evening to watch the sun set. I hope we reach new ground there. I long for a breakthrough of some sort with him, a truth that has since gone unspoken. What will it be?

I wonder what I'll feel when I first see LA (besides extreme heat--their summer has finally arrived). I have been wondering for months if I'll love it as much as everyone says I will. Will I see a future for me there? Will Christie love it? Will I feel connected to Andy and sense a future with him? Or will I miss Rob terribly like I did last time Andy and I were together? I certainly hope not. I don't want anything to spoil my fun. I deserve to have a perfectly wonderful time. And so does Christie. I love being able to take her on a trip like this--something she will talk about for the rest of her life.

Well, I'm off to bed. Tomorrow's a busy day packing and heading to Mom's to spend the night closer to the airport. I shall post you next from LA! Until then......... ;o

Friday, August 20, 2010

it's never over

I spent the day today thinking of Cam. It's his birthday. Since the love of my life and I parted ways 2 years ago, I wrestle with the thought of contacting him, or not, on his birthday. Logic always wins.

I'm ok with it. I'm sure his soul feels my soul anyway. It's always been that way, well, since I first dated him at 16. I rarely needed to speak for him to know what I was thinking. He knew me better than I knew myself. Even when we didn't have contact for 20 years, I felt him in my heart as if he was only a breath away. He had been my lifelong sense of comfort. Ever since Cam, I've been trying to find a guy with many of his qualities.

On this day of Cam's birthday, again, I will not call him or even email him 2 words. He knows. Instead I'll honor the day with a song by the great Jeff Buckley. Jeff was one of Cam's most loved artists. And what a writer he was. The lyrics of this song are the most romantic, intense lyrics I have ever heard.

Until today I had never seen this video or any other video of Buckley singing Lover you should've come over. Weird...it only makes sense that I dedicate this song to Cam.

He's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever.

Monday, August 16, 2010

who's excited?


My trip to LA is right around the corner. I feel like I've been preparing for this for months. I've run the gamut of emotions from the time I booked the trip (in April, was it?) to now:

At first I was wickedly excited, but nervous about spending the money...then tentative when Andy was visiting me and driving me a little batty...then regretful after Andy flew back home and I delved deeper into my relationship with Rob...then a little non-chalant as I withdrew somewhat from my love lives and into myself for awhile...then excited again as it came closer and I started to focus on how much fun Christie and I were going to have.

The last week I have been just giddy with anticipation! I've worked out all the logistics of going away, so I'm starting to enter fun Dinamode.

Now I've just got to maneuver through this last week with Rob. He has developed his recurring case of Andyitis. He doesn't enjoy the times leading up to my trysts with Andy. And I don't blame him. But he knows this is something I have to do to figure out where I want to be in the next phase of my life. I really don't feel guilty about it, but I do empathize with Rob and try to comfort him.

In the meantime Andy sends me photos illustrating how excited HE is about my visit. (He's got a thing for my feet.) I'm not sure which one of us is more excited...!

Friday, August 13, 2010

2 dicks and a dinamo


Yes, the oft dreaded high school reunion came up this week, my 30th no less! While some avoid these grown up versions of show and tell like the plague, I wouldn't miss them for the world. I guess I don't share any of the reasons why others fear them--got too fat, went bald, was a loner in high school, never amounted to anything or passed away. I must not be doing too bad 30 years later.

I've been to my 10th, my 20th and now my 30th. The one thing I've seen hold true in all of them is that the people get nicer. Everyone is friendlier...even if it was someone you never talked to in high school, this seems to be a good time to strike up a conversation. If you didn't have anything in common then, you probably do now. You probably both have kids, and you're probably both divorced!

Also, I found that in general, the guys don't age nearly as well as the girls do. But that's ok. They're usually cooler and more comfortable in their own skin than they were as teenagers. That is attractive. And then there are some that had it then and still have it now. Like Ed.

I always thought Ed was cute though he was a little on the dumb side for me. He was a friend of a boyfriend, so we never had a thing. But we spent quite a while talking at the reunion. It was the way he looked in his t-shirt and jeans that attracted me. I liked his blond hair too. We talked about being single parents of teenagers and how life is changing fast now. I thought he was pretty cute still. Then he lit up a cigarette and I found a reason to excuse myself. Not that it was going anywhere, but he did look dang hot in that t-shirt.

Later I was talking to a guy named Rich. His buddy, another Rich, walked up and interrupted our conversation. I said hi Rich. So Rich #2 says hey, now we got 2 Dicks and a Dinamo. Nothing more needed be said. I laughed, turned around and ran away. Not exactly the kind of Dicks I'm after. But it was a damn good line!

The most intense moment of the night came when I met up with Graham. I used to have a crush on him in French class. He lives in AZ now, very close to Cam (the love of my life). He flew in just for the reunion. Graham was very interesting to talk to. Then the topic moved to Cam.

I filled Graham in a bit on what had transpired between Cam and me a few years ago. I think he understood the intensity of what I'd gone through and, as a sort of consolation, he said that Cam isn't married yet. I guess he was thinking that it wasn't too late. Well, it probably is. But I felt the emotion that has been wrapped up so tight for the last couple years sort of seeping through. Somehow I managed to quell it. Graham insisted on taking a picture of me and said he was going to show Can next time he saw him. At the moment it seemed like fun, but later I wondered if I'd just done something stupid.

I went off to listen to the band on my own when my old friend Melissa walked up to me and gave me the warmest hug of the night. My evil twin she said, I have thought about you so often. Remember the trouble we used to get into in art class? Of course I do! She was so sweet and I'm happy to see her still looking so happy...and wasted. Some things don't change!

People have been very kind to me at these reunions. They always tell me I haven't aged a bit. And I am really grateful for that. They hug a lot more, listen better, and seem very sincere in sharing their life stories. I like that. I love when people are real. That night was a trip, but definitely a trip worth taking ...every 10 years.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

LA's around the corner


I am so friggin' excited. I'm going to be in LA in a couple weeks!

I think I'm equally excited to be travelling with Christie as I am to go/see somewhere new. Andy's got all sorts of cool things planned too. He's taking me to Chateau Marmont to hopefully run into an A grade celebrity or two. Geez I hope I recognize them, after all I hardly watch tv since I've started blogging and Facebooking.

Andy's also going to take Christie to LA Ink to meet Amy Nicoletti. And we're going to Santa Monica, and Malibu Beach and Venice Beach. And of course Christie has to go see where the Jonas Brothers live (even though they'll be on tour then) and every place that Nick Jonas has played...

And we're going on set of a tv show. And we're going to see the Hollywood sign, of course, and other landmarks that he sees every day and takes for granted. And I get to meet his son, his friends, and a mutual friend of ours that I haven't seen in 30 years. This is gonna be so very cool.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

i like...


the way my feet look when my toenails are freshly painted

listening to the rain while lying in bed

rumpled sheets to remind me of the night before

sex in the afternoon

armpits

avocadoes

nuts, especially the texture

Andy's sense of humor

chipmunks and pandas

how ambitious, smart and capable I feel when I've had a cup of coffee

doing random things for people that make them happy

the smell of Rob's laundry

the energy I feel at a concert

getting extra money

my dentist, my naturopath and my family doctor!

my new car

Snoop's velvety ears

a great bottle of shiraz

willow trees

photo shoots

my Santorini fantasies

how my sister makes me laugh so hard I could wet my pants

having my space and silence

cleanliness

Godliness

when people show genuine interest in me

learning new stuff

endorphins

waking up refreshed

living with Christie

a good movie

a good book

flirting

looking 10 years younger than I am

being different from everyone else

Saturday, August 7, 2010

scaredy cat


I was on such an adrenaline rush after the Jonny Lang night that unfortunately, it's been downhill from there. With me it's hard to tell what is the initial cause of my feelings of crappiness--I'm never quite sure if it's mental/emotional stress that makes me feel ill or if an illness brings me down mentally. Either way it sucks.

Anyhooo, I've been achy and cranky since the day after Jonny. I want to be alone and people just annoy me. I have no energy or patience. Then the more time I spend alone, the more I think...and analyze...and get a little more tormented inside. But in this state I actually stumbled upon a thought that made a lot of sense.

I basically don't feel good about myself. As in, I'm not good enough, or smart enough, or talented enough, or strong enough...that kind of shit. And you know, people would never guess that about me. I exude confidence. But I think those underlying feelings are why I drive myself so hard, and take on so many damn things, and never rest until it's all done. Which it never is, you see!

So, faced with these terrible thoughts about myself, I have to wonder when and how this started. Cuz I certainly haven't always felt this way. In fact 5 yrs ago when I decided to leave my husband, I rose to the occasion bigtime and felt higher and stronger and more excited about life than I had in 20 years. What happened?

Honestly, I have to say that #1 is because of the way my boss has treated me and #2 the company's attitude towards getting as much as they can for as little as possible from their hardworking and talented employees. I've been there over 5 years and have never been promoted. That is just embarrassing and wrong. They gave me tons of extra new responsibilities, give me perfect annual reviews raving about my work performance, even changed my job title, but never a promotion...because that would have involved a pay increase.


Fuck that, I was making over $10,000 more 20, yes TWENTY, years ago. That was before I went on family-raising hiatus which forced me to reenter the workforce at a lower payscale 6 years later...grrrr. But I never expected a company would hire me and never give me a raise. It had just never happened to me before.

So, why do I stay? For a long time, and even now, I love what I do. I have learned a lot of new skills and made some great contacts. It's a pretty prestigious place to work and it's hard to imagine working somewhere less exciting. I just made 5 years which grants me an extra week of vacation. Also, I'm very dependent on the paycheck, the pension and the benefits now that I'm a single mom with my own house. Call me scaredy cat. They got me by the balls.

But I think my biggest fear of all is that I'm not good enough to get a better job. My self-esteem sucks these days. After I speak, I hear myself inside critiquing how stupid that was and why didn't I just say this or that. People half my age seem to know twice as much as me, or at least they have double the confidence. My self-esteem has taken a huge hit. And I've got to recover so I can get out of there fast. It's clearly not a good environment for me.

I sort of feel like this is the key to deciding what I want the next period in my life to be. It needs to change. I have stayed too long. I deserve to be making more money. And I deserve to be respected and appreciated because I am a damned good employee. But I have now become bitter, and I don't like being bitter. I like sweet.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Jonny obsessed


Three months ago I heard that Jonny Lang would be coming to town. I decided I would take my daughter Christie, 15, who is totally Jonas-obsessed. It's not that I wanted to break her of this habit, I just wanted to introduce her to some reeeeeaaaaal guitar. It's what any good mom who grew up on rock n roll would do. And should do! ;)

Jonny has been top of mind over the last 10 years whenever people ask me who my favorite musician is. Not that I'm crazy about his gospel stuff, but his early stuff is just friggin incredible. And to think he was capable of such musical genius from age 15 blows my mind. Plus he's so sweet. A face any mother could love (you don't buy that for a minute, do you).

The closer the concert date came I thought Christie would invent excuses why she couldn't go with me. But much to my surprise she didn't. It'll be a good mother daughter bonding experience she said, half joking. But of course we'd have to listen to Jonas Brothers all the way there.

So we finally got to see Jonny play. And we had the time of our lives. I think it tops my list for fun times so far this year!

It was priceless to see Christie's face when I grabbed her arm and proceeded to plow to the front of the crowd to get close to Jonny. We stood just right of stage in front of the wall of speakers (ouch) and could literally feel the bass blowing the hairs of my arm. But what I really loved was that she was close enough to see and feel Jonny's passion as he played. She turned to me and said OMG he's so good. He's like, better than Nick Jonas!

By the end of the concert Christie was in love. (Insert proud mama smile here.) As the band left the stage we decided to intercept them on their way back to the bus. I darted about 6' over to the barrier and waited for Jonny to approach...then, in slow mo, just like a dream, the stars in the rock n roll universe aligned and my hand met jonny's firm right shoulder. He had a beaming smile on his face and I just shouted Jonny you were great! It was a pretty exciting wet-your-panties kind of moment but I managed to stay dry.


I turned around to look for Christie who'd lost track of me when I got lost in my Jonny moment. She's like Mom, where did you go?!?! And I heard myself say I TOUCHED HIM.

I eventually got a hold of myself. But even on the drive home I'd suddenly remember the moment of contact and it would hit me all over again. Did I mention that Christie wanted to listen to Jonny Lang all the way home?

I done good tonight. C:

Sunday, August 1, 2010

1 year ago today...


...Andy and I met in our hometown. It was a perfect day. It was the beginning of something big. It was one of those life changing kind of days.

This past year has been charged with new energy, adventures and goals, but with that came emotional challenges and difficult decisions. And it ain't over yet. The fat lady's waiting to go on...

In 3 weeks I'll be on a plane to LA. Time to see what Andy's world is like. I am really excited about the trip (and taking Christie). I am looking forward to seeing Andy too, but deep inside I wonder if it will be my last time, and with that comes some sadness.

Everyone says I am going to love California, and I can't argue with that as I have never been. I am sure there will be things I love. But I suspect I will leave thinking, yeah, it was great to visit, but I don't want to live there.

Or maybe I'll fall in love with the city, and more deeply with the guy, which is what would be required for me to pick up and move across the continent. Holy shit...could that ever happen?