scaredy cat

I was on such an adrenaline rush after the Jonny Lang night that unfortunately, it's been downhill from there. With me it's hard to tell what is the initial cause of my feelings of crappiness--I'm never quite sure if it's mental/emotional stress that makes me feel ill or if an illness brings me down mentally. Either way it sucks.

Anyhooo, I've been achy and cranky since the day after Jonny. I want to be alone and people just annoy me. I have no energy or patience. Then the more time I spend alone, the more I think...and analyze...and get a little more tormented inside. But in this state I actually stumbled upon a thought that made a lot of sense.

I basically don't feel good about myself. As in, I'm not good enough, or smart enough, or talented enough, or strong enough...that kind of shit. And you know, people would never guess that about me. I exude confidence. But I think those underlying feelings are why I drive myself so hard, and take on so many damn things, and never rest until it's all done. Which it never is, you see!

So, faced with these terrible thoughts about myself, I have to wonder when and how this started. Cuz I certainly haven't always felt this way. In fact 5 yrs ago when I decided to leave my husband, I rose to the occasion bigtime and felt higher and stronger and more excited about life than I had in 20 years. What happened?

Honestly, I have to say that #1 is because of the way my boss has treated me and #2 the company's attitude towards getting as much as they can for as little as possible from their hardworking and talented employees. I've been there over 5 years and have never been promoted. That is just embarrassing and wrong. They gave me tons of extra new responsibilities, give me perfect annual reviews raving about my work performance, even changed my job title, but never a promotion...because that would have involved a pay increase.

Fuck that, I was making over $10,000 more 20, yes TWENTY, years ago. That was before I went on family-raising hiatus which forced me to reenter the workforce at a lower payscale 6 years later...grrrr. But I never expected a company would hire me and never give me a raise. It had just never happened to me before.

So, why do I stay? For a long time, and even now, I love what I do. I have learned a lot of new skills and made some great contacts. It's a pretty prestigious place to work and it's hard to imagine working somewhere less exciting. I just made 5 years which grants me an extra week of vacation. Also, I'm very dependent on the paycheck, the pension and the benefits now that I'm a single mom with my own house. Call me scaredy cat. They got me by the balls.

But I think my biggest fear of all is that I'm not good enough to get a better job. My self-esteem sucks these days. After I speak, I hear myself inside critiquing how stupid that was and why didn't I just say this or that. People half my age seem to know twice as much as me, or at least they have double the confidence. My self-esteem has taken a huge hit. And I've got to recover so I can get out of there fast. It's clearly not a good environment for me.

I sort of feel like this is the key to deciding what I want the next period in my life to be. It needs to change. I have stayed too long. I deserve to be making more money. And I deserve to be respected and appreciated because I am a damned good employee. But I have now become bitter, and I don't like being bitter. I like sweet.