Friday, January 28, 2011

trying week


This has been a yukky week. My California mojo is starting to fade a bit, and PMS is setting in...but it sure seems like one nasty little thing after another has been unfolding since Monday.

I had that disturbing dream about Cam and was left with trace feelings of abandonment. Then Andy told me of this fantastic celebrity charity event he's going to in February, and he asked if I minded if he took one of his models along. I totally trust him of course, I'm just sad that I won't be the one by his side. I want people to see him with me, not some other woman. I am upset by the way I feel inside...it feels so immature of me.

Then I found out that in order to move away with Christie I will probably need a notarized letter from my ex giving his consent. Either that or a court order. That was the biggest downer of all. I cannot imagine Jeff being cooperative in the matter, but I especially don't want to waste money on a lawyer just to have the court state the obvious. Christie def wants to be with me, and she wants to move to LA just as much as I want to.

And yesterday I visited my mom and sister, both who seemed a little off. I felt like it was because of me, or maybe I've just grown paranoid this week? When I mentioned something to my mom about possibly getting married again, she looked completely dumbfounded. That was disturbing.

Though I don't like to admit it, I am influenced by my family's opinion. My mom's dropping jaw wasn't the reaction I had hoped for, but maybe I should just stop and think on it awhile. I am actually a little worried about how both my mom and sister are feeling about my plan to move. It may be time for a sit down, drag it out kind of talk. It may be good practice for the even bigger talk ahead--breaking the news of the move to my ex and especially to my 19-yr-old daughter Maria.

Monday, January 24, 2011

disturbing dream


Shortly after I woke up this morning one of last night's dreams flashed before me. It was about Cam. That always brings with it a lot of emotion and therefore, a lot of significance. Hopefully it won't mess up my whole day. Cam was my deepest love (so far), someone I recognized as a soulmate from age 16, and the only guy I cared about who rejected me.

I dreamed I was in a house (mine), alone, waiting for him to come see me. He currently lives almost as far away from me as Andy does, and he did in my dream too. I think he was 'in town' and we were due to meet.

He finally shows up and I am overflowing with emotion, he seems quite contained. I am expecting that he will stay a long time with me, maybe overnight. Apparently he has other ideas, as he soon declares it's time to go. He says his mother is on her way to pick him up.

He gathers his things. I am panicky because I realize this may be the last time we see each other...ever. This doesn't seem to concern him like it does me. Great disappointment.

We hug. The last thing I remember is a close up of him looking at me, head slightly tilted, those melty blue eyes piercing right through me. It hurts.

The dream mirrors what I fear in this life...that he doesn't care about me the same that I care about him. It seemed too easy for him to walk away from me. But then again he may have done that purposely so that I would, and could, move on.

And I've moved on to something great, something better in many ways. I've met Andy who adores me and wants to be with me every minute that he can. He made it clear from day one that he loves me and that he wants to be by my side for the rest of his life. Andy was not jaded about love like Cam was. He allowed me to dream with him and create our future together.

My contract with Cam may actually be finished. In this lifetime anyway.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

almost divorced


With any luck I'll be divorced by Valentine's Day. I filed my final papers to divorce the dickhead on my first day back from LA.

Unfortunately, the closer I get to home base, the more of an asshole he becomes. He must have had a fight with his girlfriend or something. I cannot believe how he still blames me for everything that's wrong in his life. We're talking 5 years that he and I have been separated.

Holy shit. Get over it, man. I can't wait to be done with him. Even better...2500 miles away!

Friday, January 21, 2011

wifey


Wifey is a nickname that one of Andy's associates gave me. I suppose she refers to me that way because he talks about me so much and she realizes how much he loves me. I was very honored to be called 'wifey' and occasionally use that term myself when he and I talk. I like to remind him that I am ready, willing, and able to be his wifey (well, almost able, once my divorce goes through).

Like any girl, I fantasize about the when, where, and how he will ask me to marry him. Because I know he will. And during this trip I decided that I would say yes when the moment comes. I actually thought it might have been this time. And maybe it would have been, but I think I blew it. I don't know, you tell me. This is what happened...

Andy and I were alone in his brother's kitchen getting stuff ready for a family dinner. His mom had just returned from the grocery store and happened to buy me an apartmental rental book for the LA area. It kind of warmed my heart knowing that she wanted me to move there to be with her son.

We'd been drinking and I was feeling pretty good and a little loose lipped by then. I mentioned to him how nice it made me feel that his mom wanted me to live with him. He said yeah, she's just always wanted me to be happy. She even gave me my great grandmother's wedding ring and said 'I don't care what you do with this. I just want you to be happy.'

I pictured him using it to propose to his (first) wife 15 years ago. Knowing that that didn't last more than a year, I very stupidly blurted out well you fucked that up, didn't ya? Immediately after hearing it come out of my mouth I wanted to edit. I just sat down and then it was quiet for a few seconds.

Andy said no, I mean she gave it to me on this trip to which I meekly replied....oh...

Then I am sure I turned beet red as I buried my face in the apartment book. My heart sunk into the pit of my stomach which was suddenly on fire. How could I be so embarrassed and excited at the same time? Andy added I wondered why you were so non-plussed about it.

Oh...I said again. I was frozen, speechless.

Eventually I recovered and acted like nothing had happened. The rest of the night went fine. Dinner was great, the next glass of wine was great. I kept feeling my heart flutter every time I imagined him giving me the ring. But it didn't happen. Not that night. Not the next. Not on this trip.

I'm ok with it. Sure, it would have been nice to have, but I can't actually picture him giving me an antique family ring. It's just not his style. And maybe he's not in such a hurry as he seems to be. So it's ok to wait. But I keep wondering what would have happened had I acted (and spoken) differently.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

the art of mayhem

The day after I arrived in LA, Andy's art show was to open. I was pretty excited to be a part of this, to see his work on display (other than in a store) and have people admire it like I do.

As usual, I hardly slept at all my first night there. I was in a bit of a stupor, not as sharp or as patient as usual. OK, so I'll just roll with it...

I helped Andy load the paintings into his car, and carry them into the gallery. While we waited for the installer to show up, we peeked at the space he was allocated for the show. There were 2 long white walls opposite each other, one about 15' and one about 30'. He had brought 6 paintings. And they weren't the big ones. A few choice thoughts popped into my head about what I would have done differently, but I didn't say a word.

The installer showed up and asked him for the plaques of the artist bio and painting titles--you know, the ones that are posted right below each painting in a gallery. Nope, none of that was done. He had misunderstood the instructions from the gallery. Or maybe he didn't read them?? I was secretly freaking inside, but again, I didn't say a word. This is his show, his career, and who am I to say...

So it turns out he needs to get this shit done, and fast, before the installer leaves for the day. He had like 2 hours to pull it all together. And guess who bailed him out? Yes, the organized one. Dinamo saved the day. We drove back to his apartment, I typeset the bio and the titles, and we ran to a print shop and waited while we had them printed and plaqued. We ran everything back to the gallery within the 2 hours and it was a done deal. The show looks great. A little sparse, but great.

Once the crisis was over I had time to feel my feelings about what had happened. This was a new experience, to feel this way towards Andy. I really didn't mind helping him out, but I guess I was annoyed that his poor planning suddenly became my emergency. It also happened to bump my appointment with the first high school I was looking at for Christie. I'd already moved the time once because of Andy, and now I had to call the director of admissions back and postpone till the next day. I was embarrassed.

I dreaded to think that Andy didn't realize how important that appointment was to me. I also worried that he would continue to depend on me to bail him out. I am such a girl scout, always prepared in advance. It's how I avoid anxiety. He waits till the last minute and flies into creative mode. Not...my...style.

In the end he thanked me, but did not apologize. However, he has sold a painting every day since that show opened, which is pretty damned cool. So, although he may not do things the way that I would, I cannot deny that he knows what he's doing. And I admire him for his business sense.

I, on the other hand, will exert my gentle influence once I am in his life full time. I can already see ways that he can maximize his opportunities, and be better prepared. Like reading things through and writing things down instead of trusting them to memory. Though I think I know better, I have to be very careful. I never want to 'break the artist'. He's golden. And I love him that way.

back...but not for long


Dinamo misses you! I have been in LA playing with Andy and planning a life! I arrived back east late last night, snow and ice to greet me. I thought this is all wrong. The look on my face as I stepped outside the airport probably said it best.

I have already moved to LA, mentally at least. I feel I no longer belong here. This was where the old me lived. The stuck me.

I've since met great people, my new comrades, dear and fascinating friends of Andy who have welcomed me into their lives with open arms. Anything you need, anything at all, you can depend on us. Who says that??!?!

Record breaking temperatures appeared just in time for my visit. It was heavenly. My first 5 minutes out of LAX I was hyperventilating over blooming flowers in mid-January, and driving with the windows rolled down at midnight. Why would anyone ever choose to leave this place willingly?

Andy and I had a whole week alone to explore life together, to look at schools for Christie, to sleep as late as we wanted, and to fuck in every room if we damn well pleased. And we took full advantage.

Highlights of the trip will be coming to you in the next while as I reminisce via blogland.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

3 days to California


Here we are again...on the brink of a lovers' reunion. I'm going to get on a plane and go see my honey in a few days!

LA is supposed to be the warmest spot in the continental US next week. I'm looking forward to some sunshine and heat...and some very hot lovin'.

Besides reconnecting with Andy, what's my mission on this trip? I'll be visiting 3 high schools as potential schools for Christie in the Fall. I'm also hoping that Andy and I can check out a few neighborhoods, to see what they feel like, how livable they might be for the 3 of us, even look at some apartments to get a feel for what our money can buy.

And my darling will be turning 50. Holy shit, it's hard to believe he's 50. Man, we look damn good for our age. I hope he has a good birthday. I always wished I could do something spectacular for him--like take him to Paris--but I'll have to thrill him in other ways. And I have a few ideas.

Friday, January 7, 2011

gifts unopened


Christie's Christmas presents for her dad are still sitting on my kitchen counter. It's sad, really.

There was an early holiday celebration on my ex's side of the family, which Christie went to, but since she didn't have his presents wrapped that early, she didn't take them along. Then Christmas Day came and went. As far as I know, he didn't call her. Not sure how hard she tried to call him. Usually when I ask her to call him, she says he's never home, and that he doesn't text her back.

She says she doesn't want to be around him, that he doesn't even know her, and she wonders why I ever chose him (to marry and be her father). She says she wants Andy to be her father. That part is not sad to me. The fact that her own dad has missed the opportunity to connect with such a fantastic kid is what is sad.
He really blew it a few years ago when he behaved like a 2 year old, cursing under his breath at her, at women in general, throwing things, slamming doors. Christie got so upset at the way he treated her, and the words that he uttered, that she decided not to spend her 3 days/week at his house anymore. In fact she called me that night from his house and begged me to come and pick her up. And that's probably why she doesn't make an effort to stay in touch with him. That I do understand.

I wonder if he has any regrets. I wonder how he'll react to the news that she and I are moving to California. Will he accuse me of taking his daughter away from him? That would certainly be a twisted accusation, but it seems likely nevertheless.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

a most peculiar dream


Last night I dreamed I was swimming with Rob and my dog Snoop. This is strange for a couple reasons. My dog was/is terrified of water. And I never ever dream of Rob. But I found it interesting that I dreamed of 2 beings who I care greatly for and who have recently disappeared from my life.

I think it was also symbolic that I was swimming with them, because water, in my dreams, means love.

I remember the dream like a movie. My little dog walked straight down a boat launch that dropped steeply into the water. I recall feeling slightly panicked that he would drown, but soon enough I saw him rise to the surface doing the doggie-paddle (how apropos). He was also smiling! :)

Rob took a run off the end of the dock and jumped in feet first, making a splash. I waded in, and although the water was a bit cold, I started to swim out. Rob and I didn't interact much in my dream. In fact, I don't think we ever touched. I can't help wonder the relevance of our different entries into the water (love). I would actually say that it is the opposite of what I have experienced, knowing myself and Rob.

I clearly remember sitting on the dock afterwards and my dog (looking even smaller when wet) climbing up to be close to me. He was very snuggly and needy, and it felt good to have him close as we dried off in the sun.

Later in the dream I was showing Rob how I could bounce from wall to wall without ever touching the ground. That ability to float/travel above the ground is recurring in my dreams, and it's so fun that I wish I could do it in real life! It's kind of like how you push yourself away from a pool's edge underwater and the momentum just carries you. In my dreams I do it a few feet above the ground. Way cool. Rob was watching me, somewhat amused. And then the dream was over.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

i resolve


1. I resolve the same thing every year--nope, not to lose weight. To drink more often! Drinking is good for me. And I ain't talking water.

2. To clean my oven. I confess, it's been 3 1/2 years. I must put an end to my procrastination and just get in there. Ewww...

3. To spend more time with my sister and mother (before I move away). Since Rob decided not to see me anymore I am in need of a friend to hang out with. Who better than my sister and mother? Especially since I already like them!

4. I've saved the biggest and hardest till last (wish it was a penis). Anyway, I realized I must change the way I feel about my financial situation. I am forever feeling poor. This is all wrong because I am by no means poor. I have a cushy little nest egg, I just refuse to spend it. And it is a fact that I need and deserve a better paying job. It has kept me from getting ahead the last 5 years. That's all part of the plan of moving, and starting over. Moving to a new location is the perfect opportunity to change other habits.

I am so looking forward to this year, for myself and for Christie.