uh oh

I'm now 11 days late. I can't tell if my hot flashes are authentic or if they're anxiety-induced because they start in the seconds after I wake up just as reality downloads into my brain. I finally bought a home pregnancy test today. Gonna use it tonight after Andy goes out. The next time I post I'll know. Not enjoying this one bit.

the spice of life

Sex has been so deliciously steamy lately. I think I've finally got my man where I want him--amorous, attentive and patient enough to savor the entire experience as it was meant to be. Variety is sweet and there's so much more to lovemaking than fucking! We're on our way to sacred sex. I feel it coming...pun intended.

He's totally fascinated with the grab bag of sexy things we do and seems more intent on playing with all the toys than firing his gun as fast as he can. What used to take 20 mins is now about an hour of bliss. And I can tell that delaying the big O is rewarding for him by the sounds he makes when he finally lets go. Music to my ears!

One of the things I am happiest about is the foundation we seem to be building through our lovemaking. Whereas there used to be times when I sensed he was driven only by lust and animalistic urges, now his actions seem to stem from a deeper love for me. I feel like he wants to know me and love me more so than ever before. Although I had expressed my concerns (about feeling loved during sex) earlier, I think that time has been the biggest factor in the change. It probably took him awhile to believe that I was really here, living with him, and he didn't have to rush through sex because I'd be leaving soon. Silly boy.

Yeah, so in all this sex play over the last couple weeks we've kind of been passing on the condoms. They are so very inconvenient when you're changing gears every few minutes. There's nothing worse than the taste of a lubricated condom. Plus the feeling of skin sliding right against skin is sooooo delicious. I love when there's nothing between us.

We know better, but admittedly we've been blowing it off, letting ourselves get lost in the moment. Well, we have been somewhat careful by not having him cum in me. But needless to say, my fingers are crossed that we don't have an accident. I feel like a teenager again, anxiously awaiting my period that is 3 days late...and counting. Chances are I'm not so fertile anymore, but I've sure increased the odds by numbers alone.

remembering the goddess

This seems to be the week of validation. Weird, but I got another reminder of how I impacted the life of someone from my past who's apparently still pining for me. This one, however, was kind of creepy because I hadn't seen or heard anything from this guy in almost 30 years, yet he chose to be uncomfortably forward in his email. Can you say creepy?

What's sad is that this kid was a really nice boy and the most amazing guitarist at only 16. He had such talent. But later I had heard that he'd moved to LA and got caught up in the drug scene, like the hard stuff, and kind of trashed his chance at musical success.

I couldn't resist showing someone this email, since it was too inappropriate to share with Andy. My commentary's in italics.

You look like your picture is from high school. He's referring to my photo on Classmates.com, the cheesy website where old friends and creeps alike can contact you again. You married one lucky son-of-a-nice guy probably. Little does he know. What can I say I still remember this one day super vividly. No one has ever come close. He's referring to my skill on the one afternoon when we were teenagers and I brought him up to my bedroom to make out with him. Er...which led to a BJ. My wife is really cool, from brooklyn. Left LA with her and, oh yeah, 3 KIDS. But If I could go back and relive one afternoon. you probably have no idea what im talking about. if you do then neither one of us can forget true perfection. Well, yes, I do remember the sexual encounter cuz he was a cute kid and I had a crush on him for a long time. But true perfection??? I think not. Well, at least it wasn't for me. Maybe I just dreamed i spent an afternoon with an angel who had permission to do things the other angels couldn't come close. I think he means that other girls my age didn't do that to boys. I had an early calling. And I do like being called an angel. ;) I have grown up, and, i pray neither of our spouses sees this, but i had to look to see which place i was in. I haven't a clue what he means. heaven came down to me and Ill never, even this many years later forget how much in love with you i was. REally? That's sweet, and awkward. You arent human, Thanks. Like my Wife, huh? You are an angel that fell to earth. Your husband, if you're married still, better appreciate your heart, smile and grammatical skill. ROFL! What?? Grammatical skill? He remembers my grammar and the BJ. you could spell so well, i had to look to see were the 'words' were cum, sorry coming from. sorry bad joke. Eww, that's just creepy. But the truth is no joke, damn, the one that got away. I hiope you are happy cuz just seeing your picture made me think of one of the few times in my life i was really happy. Pretty sad that he hasn't been that happy ever since, considering he married someone and had 3 children with her. I hope you feel that now, you deserve it. U R still a Goddess. There's the validating line. Bored, Depressed and back in hometown name inserted here since 2007, i just finished a solo record, i hope someone will care. Obviously he's hoping that I'll care. And basically I would have dropped a line, but the message was so convoluted and gross that I surmised that he's still on drugs. No thanks. Sorry Pal. But thanks for reminding me that I am a goddess.

worth wanting

I'd spent the beginning of the week feeling dejected, depleted, and just plain sick of looking for work with so little response. Wondering if I'd ever feel like a productive and valued human being in the workplace again I was starting to give thought to what I'd do if I really couldn't find work in LA.

For sure I would feel totally fucked. I would forever live in disbelief at how my well-laid plans could go awry.

Well, that was Monday, Tuesday and part of Wednesday. On Thursday a glimmer of hope arrived. An agency I had applied to wanted to schedule me for a test. I'd gotten through the pre-screening phone interview and they were committing to a test. We booked that. A second company also finally emailed me and asked to have a phone call next week. Great news!

On Friday I decided to ride into the city with Andy to meet a friend of his who wants him to do a painting on a wall in her house. She and I got to talking and found out that one of her best friends owns an agency that specializes in the kind of work that I do...and they are hiring! I felt like I hit the jackpot. The rest of the day I walked a little lighter, felt like I had a lot more to smile about and could finally allow myself to enjoy the present. I felt like the old me--the one who knew who she was. I felt a sense of belonging for the first time since moving to this city.

It got even better. While I was standing at the BBQ grilling some chicken for dinner, I received a call from agency #1 for an in-person interview. That is, they scheduled a meeting even before I'd taken the test. Niiice! Things are def happening.

Saturday morning Andy and I are in bed making passionate love when my Android pings. I ignore it at the time, but wondering who would be emailing me on the old Gmail account that I had only used for live chats with a old lover (and to set up my new Android this past summer).

Oh God, it was Cam. I hadn't heard from him in over 3 years. He was wondering how I was, and the kids, that kind of stuff. And he said he hoped I didn't mind him emailing me. It stopped me in my tracks.

A lot went through my mind for the next few hours. I wanted to respond but then again I didn't. I certainly didn't want to dredge up all those heated memories and emotions. I know my limits and Cam is dangerous for me. And Andy is too important to me. I've made a commitment to give this relationship my full attention. I couldn't let it go astray because of Cam. It would be the worst thing ever to do to Andy.

I also started to question why now? If something had been terribly wrong in Cam's life I think he would have said so. Maybe he's available again and fishing for info on my status. Maybe he was just bored. Regardless of his reason, I needed to know on a deeper level, why did this come to me right now?

What I decided was that Cam's email was a reminder that I am wanted. People want me. Businesses want me, too. And I'm not supposed to forget that. His message came in order to support the events of the last couple days and to remind me that I am worth wanting.

I thanked the universe for sending the message through someone whose opinion I trust and hold close. I'll do my best to use it over the next couple weeks to keep the fire burning and impress the hell out of these employers. I'm ready to deal with multiple job offers. Kind of reminds me of when I sold my house. Bidding war? Bring it on.