our last goodbye

For the last 9 months I'd been wondering what it would feel like to see Rob for possibly the last time, to 'say our goodbye'. There were times when I cried just imagining it. More than a few. And his probably outnumbered mine.

Last Saturday we'd gone out to dinner at that Thai restaurant and ran into Annie and her husband out of the blue. Dinner was so-so, to be honest, but we laughed a lot and enjoyed being together. I'd just come out of an extremely enotional week, so the fact that I may have been all out of tears probably helped.

After dinner we went to Rob's house. We didn't drink (also good for keeping the emotions at bay). We talked for a short bit then had a snuggle. Like two kittens we curled up in an old familiar position we'd known for the 4 years we'd known each other. I lay my head on his chest with his arm around me and he touched my hair with his other hand. It was very sweet and comforting, as Rob is. A tear trickled down my cheek onto his shirt, but only one.

I was proud of me. I was proud of us. We didn't drag it out, we didn't purge our souls and pour out our feelings. We didn't need to make it painful. We hugged, and smiled, and I walked away.

Bye for now.

coincidence not

So you know how connected Annie and I have become over the last few weeks? Weirdest thing happened last Saturday. The night before, when we were out partying, I had told her I was going out to dinner on Saturday with my old boyfriend (Rob). It was to be our 'goodbye' dinner.

So, unbeknownst to Annie, Rob and I decided to go to this Thai restaurant we'd been to a couple times before. It's about 20 mins from our neighborhood. We got there and we were seated in the back dining area which I didn't even know existed. We're having a good time accidentally tossing our shrimp crackers on the floor and almost lighting our table on fire with the little grill they gave us for our chicken satay...when in walked Annie and her husband.

They were seated at the table right behind us. We saw each other and did our OMGs, introductions and hugs, then we each attempted to have a normal dinner. It took me almost a half hour to shake off the weirdness of it all and stop talking about it before our conversation returned to normal. Rob was a good sport. He later commented how stunning she is--no shit Sherlock. He offered (to me) that if she ever needed a mercy fuck, he'd be most willing. I felt like saying get in line mister.

The next morning I messaged Annie my WTF, wasn't that weird? She said that they had never even been to that restaurant before, but heard it was good so they decided to go. It is my belief that there are no coincidences. I've come to accept that these things happen to people who are connected. We attracted this all on our won, but it still never ceases to amaze me.

and it makes me wonder

I sat next to Annie at the club where we were watching this great cover band do some of my favorite tunes--and some not-so-favorites. But I swear they even made the very tired 'Stairway To Heaven' sound alive again.

Our friendship first ramped up about 6 weeks ago when we decided to have a celebratory drink before I moved. Since that first night out where we got drunk and Annie confessed that she wants out of her marriage, she seems to have glommed onto me. Her story is eerily familiar: married about 19 years, kids now practically grown, workaholic husband who has lost himself, his lust for life and for her, and now they don't know how to dig themselves out of the hole created by years of a routine existence.

On the outside they're the picture of perfection--fancy house, fancy toys, over-achieving kids, nice looking couple (well, that's an understatement when it comes to Annie), the dog, the bank account etc. But inside they're dying. She recognizes it and sees a way out. He is hanging on for dear life, but doing nothing to change any of it. In my mind it's over because she says it is.

This was my story, almost verbatim. So she KNOWS I understand. And she trusts me. I broke through it all successfully, and now I am about to embark on a pretty incredible adventure. Annie wants to feel that too. Since I am the only one she has shared those feelings with, she has been all over me lately. And with added desperation because I am moving away.

She wants to go out drinking like every weekend. It's been sweet. I have helped her where I can, and have certainly given her hope for her future. But she doesn't really need my help. I have no doubt she will come through this and find the joy she seeks. She is a smart cookie who knows exactly what she wants and needs.

What I have found most distracting in the meantime is that she is so SO beautiful. I have always admired her beauty since I first met her about 15 years ago, but she is still utterly stunning today at 45+. Hanging out drinking and talking I sometimes find myself totally distracted by her looks and her sweetness. I mean I became very aware of my attraction to her as she was talking to me. I think with a couple drinks I could easily cross the line into a sexual experience with her. I can imagine myself appreciating every inch of her femininity.

How weird is that (to admit)?! And then my thoughts go even further into imagining her visiting Andy and me in LA, staying with us, and sharing our bed. Holy cow, he would be...well...overwhelmed. I think I could love her body and mind and soul. She would make it damn easy to be bisexual.

I have never been with a woman, and have only felt a mild attraction to a woman once before. But I'll tell ya, sitting next to her in a bar with good music and a couple drinks in us, I was tempted to say something. Then I thought of my responsibility to her as a friend, and was aware of her vulnerability. I did what I think was the wise thing, and left this all in fantasyland.

Which isn't to say that I won't bring the fantasy into the bedroom. I think Andy might enjoy that almost as much as the real thing.

going over the rainbow

I couldn't help but think of Rob every time I listened to this Amos Lee song. These lyrics in particular speak of our relationship and all he's had to accept in the last couple years. To love me and toknow he has to let me go because he loves me.

I'm in love with a girl,
Who's in love with the world,
Though I can't help but follow.
Though I know some day,
She is bound to go away,
And stay over the rainbow.
Gotta learn how to let her go.
Over the rainbow.

Sometimes we forget who we got,
Who they are
Or who they are not.
There is so much more in love,
Than black and white.
Keep it loose child,
Gotta keep it tight.
Keep it loose child,
Keep it tight.

the joy of giving

When you're sorting through your shit preparing to move, you have to seriously consider what's worth paying $1/lb to ship across the country.

Although I scored a small fortune on the sale of my house I'm still frugal at heart. But I'm not frugal with my heart. Oddly enough this shipping dilemma has led to a new kind of joy. The joy of giving.

There are certain things I own that have great sentimental value, but seriously, I knew they would not belong in my new life or our new apartment. I did not want to sell these things to strangers or donate them to Goodwill. I wanted to choose a new home for them.

My rocking chair was hard to part with. This was the chair I sat in endless hours as I nursed Christie as a baby. It squeaked a lot and it wasn't very pretty, but it holds such sweet memories. Like the dents left in the side of Christie's little head, caused by the wooden arms her head rested against as I cradled and breastfed her. She was so in her glory nursing, that she ignored the pain on her head and was left with little indents after her feeding. And in that chair I used to sing Elton John songs to her until she fell asleep. Daniel was her favorite.

It was hard to let that rocker go, but one of my friends has a niece who just had a baby. They don't have a lot of money, so I thought this would help. Plus I wanted to give it to someone I knew or someone I had even a distant trail to. Dunno, makes me feel better.

Then there was a piece of art I purchased when I moved into my house 4 years ago. Nymph of the River by Frederic Leighton. A demure young nymph stands at the edge of a river curious, about to dip her toes into the water. I loved this print and it hung across from my bed for the last 4 years. To me it symbolized my newly rediscovered sexuality. I embraced all it stood for and it watched over me as I became a sex goddess again, or so I was told.

Although I still love the piece, it would have been a real misfit among Andy's art collection in our new apartment. I also felt it would be a source of inspiration to my friend Annie who is standing at the same crossroads I was at 5 years ago. She's teetering on the edge of freedom with a renewed passion for living. I fully support her and to give her this print was a symbol of my friendship, love and support.

The real joy was in the fact that she loved it and understood my intent completely. The nymph has found a new home. I feel good and soon Annie will too.

learning what you mean to people

This shouldn't surprise me, but oddly it does, sort of. It's something you kind of know in the back of your mind, but not something you feel very often...

What you mean to people.

It's common to feel your importance as it's reflected back from your children. Especially when they're little, they neeeed you and they appreciate you, and absolutely thrive on your love. They show it often. But adults rarely do, unless they are lovers, of course.

Because I am about to move far, far away, I've started saying some goodbyes. The farewell celebrations have begun, and I am wrapping up loose ends one after another. It is in these times that people reach out in unexpected ways.

The company I work for has a strict policy against going away parties. It was my current boss of 3 years, whom I've often referred to as a witch, that threatened to fire us if we so much as brought a cake into the office for a coworker who had resigned. A pretty strong statement.

So you can imagine my reaction when I found out there was going to be a surprise party for ME after work one night at a winery. And I was absolutely floored when I found out it was my boss's idea. W...o...w. I turned around, buried my head in the computer and got a little choked up where no one could see me. It means something.

This weekend I had my last visit with my naturopath. I haven't blogged about him, but I'll tell ya, he has had a real impact on my life and my health. I love the guy. I'd like to stuff him in my pocket and take him with me to California.

My health is just about perfect because of his incredible knowledge, skill and CARE. He knows my weak spots, the way I think, how I sleep, even my bowel habits. And he's brought me through my life's most challenging times--my separation, dealing with the disappointment of Cam (heartbreak!!), and rejection by my daughter Maria (more heartbreak!), choosing between Rob and Andy...the list goes on. He's helped me heal many times. And my daughters too, on a lesser scale.

When the visit neared an end, he asked for a hug (which is very unusual for him--he's like a little brainiac scientist). Of course, I gave him one. I said how we'd been through a lot together. He said Yeah, you and Christie were my first patients. Nine years ago... He thanked me for those 9 years.

That kinda floored me. We said our goodbyes and he left to see the next patient. As soon as he left the room I wept. I put on my big dark sunglasses and shot out of there so no one would see me bawl like a baby. Which I did all the way home. Gosh...

getting rid of the evidence

How does one safely dispose of a porn tape?

First, let's be clear, it's not of me. I was sorting through all my stuff today trying to pack and I came upon a DVD that I bought in a sex shop a few years ago.

At first I tossed it in the garbage bag along with a lot of my other junk, but then I realized my name and my kids' names were on some papers that were in the same garbage bag as that nasty video. Heavens, no!

So if I can't put it out with my normal trash, what do I do with it? Burn it? Stick it in the neighbor's garbage after dark? Sneak off to a dumpster and toss it in?

you're mine tonight

He had that look of love...you know, the one that sucks me in. And I needed to be sucked in.

I've been waaaay too distracted the last couple months. All that planning, racing to get things accomplished and scratched off my list. Fretting about packing and wondering if I'll get everything done in time for my house closing...it has left me stressed.

Even on my last trip to LA to see Andy. I didn't find myself falling into him, surrendering and completely loving it. I was guarded, and there was more planning, and worrying about things. This is not who I want to be.

I like the me that opens up and trusts, and follows the love wherever it takes me. I want to fall madly in love and give myself over to him.

The other night on skype Andy was gazing at me for an unexpectedly long time. He had the most contented look on his face, sort of grinning and he looked absolutely hot and adorable. I needed that look. It caught me and held me and I felt a stronger connection to him--one I haven't felt since I went into planning mode.

This is the look that makes everything else go away. It's like looking in on your whole life and suddenly realizing what's important and what's not. He left me floating.