from bleeding to sparkly

Today was too beautiful to sit at my desk in my basement office. I made a point of needing to make a delivery after lunch, and I extended that into a little shopping trip.

I perused a few boutiques on the sunny side of the main street close to work. And I didn't even give a damn if I was late getting back. I call it salary adjustment time.

With Easter just days ahead, I was hoping to find a little gift for my girls. Long gone are the days of Easter baskets and candy, but I still like to surprise them with something. I knew that Christie would be easy to buy for--something, anything, Jonas would do. But for Maria I had to look for something extra special. It had to be personal and meaningful because of our history.

Between our busy schedules of work, school, homework and social life, I hardly get to see Maria anymore. I'm ok with all that, but I wanted her to know that I was thinking about her and that she's still very special to me.

When I walked into the 3rd shop that sold jewelry, I saw it right away. A silver necklace with 2 hearts on it. They were irregular in shape (aren't we all), and didn't fit perfectly one on top of the other, but they hung very nicely together as they overlapped. And the one in front had sparkly stones on it. The one behind was just shiny. I bought it without hesitation.

I can't wait to give it to her. I want her to know that in our busy lives, even if we can't find much time to be together, I am still with her in heart. And she's the sparkly one in front.

the portal

The long range forecast is calling for really warm temps on Easter weekend. That brings on a whole slew of exciting thoughts about how to spend the long weekend.

Rob emailed me at work today and said he wants to go back to the picnic table with me. That's where it all began. I mean, that's the spot where we first touched in an intimate way. It's like our souls first recognized each other at that moment.

It was about 3 1/2 years ago. It was a warm September day, the last time I decided to play hooky. He was on vacation and I decided to join him on a hike on a beautiful fall day. So I called in sick.

Rob and I met up, grabbed a coffee to go, and headed to one of his favorite hiking spots. We hiked for about an hour, down a gorge, over an obstacle course of tree trunks and the like, found our way across a stream to a massive flat rock jutting out of the water where we could relax and bask in the sunshine.

You have to remember here that Rob and I were just friends then. I was going through my separation, but I was in love with Cam (my first soulmate who, very inconveniently, lived on the opposite corner of the continent.) Rob and I hung out and kept each other company. He always flirted with me, but respected my situation.

So we get to this rock and take off our jackets, shoes and socks. We prepare to lie down and sun for awhile. I look over and he's taken his shirt off. I was a bit struck by his nice physique and for the first time I felt like touching him. But a guy in a red jacket kept hiking back and forth behind us with his dog running around, and I found it very distracting. Besides, we aren't to the picnic table yet!

Fast foward an hour. We've hiked our way out of the woods and back to the car. Rob drives us to a park near the lake. We get out and stumble upon a picnic table. He climbs up and sits on top, his feet on the seat. I walked up to him and sat on the seat between his legs, facing him.

I had an insatiable urge to be close, to touch him. His stomach was in front of my face and it pulled me to him like a magnet. I distinctly remember putting my face against his blue t-shirt. Mmmmm. It was so soft against my cheek, and warm, and I could feel the hardness of his body on the other side of the fabric.

I wanted more, I had to feel his skin. So I backed away and pulled his shirt up until his stomach was bare. I placed my face against him again and we were skin to skin.

As I rested my head against him, I felt his arms go around my head and shoulders. We held still and breathed in the moment. There was a huge exchange of energy at that instant. It was like we were being sucked into each other. It was like we'd found a portal.

Sitting in the car afterwards, Rob looked at me and said that was the most intimate moment I've ever had without sex.....or with.

The picnic table has been symbolic of our spiritual connection and we've referred to it many times over the course of our relationship. It will be interesting to visit the spot where it all began.

a conundrum

The last few days I've noticed an abnormally high occurrence of abandoned old shoes and boots on the side of the road. The snow has been melted for quite awhile, so it's not that I'm just suddenly noticing them. They have appeared very recently. Is it a sign of spring?

Yeah, it's sure better than seeing roadkill, but still I ask myself why does this happen? How does this footwear actually get there?

Do people discard their old shoes on the way home from the shoe store? Or in some foolish act on the way home from a night out drinking? I have never seen someone tossing their shoes out the window as they're driving along, so I just can't seem to fathom someone doing that. Unless it's a dare, of course.

Does anyone really know? How do they get there???

one down, 3 to go

I drove this car today and I really liked it. I liked how it felt, looked, and it had a neat little power sunroof which I've never had.

But what I liked most of all was that it was $1000 less than the last car I tried and liked. And, because I've been socking away some money every month since my current car was paid off, I can pay for half this new car up front.

I've never owned a brand new car before. What a relief to know that my car problem is almost solved. Woo-hoo! and onto the next issue...

lost

Wow. I've really sunk into a funk. I'm not sure if I've ever been in a spot quite like this before. Needing a new car, wanting a new job, deciding how to live cheaper--and where. And then there's emotional issues I've brought on because I am in love with two men. Oh Lordy........

I have so many choices to make all at once. And everything seems to be intertwined. I'm sort of trapped in a Rubik's cube, where one decision affects all the others in a chain-like reaction.

Knowing where to start has been the hardest part. I originally thought that I'd start making my choices based on a future with Andy. But the more I thought about, I had to relieve my financial pressure first, and in a hurry. I certainly couldn't be moving 3000 miles away within a few months.

I decided I had to suck it up and stick with my job, as that is my only source of income, albeit inadequate! And in order to get to that job daily, I need a reliable car. So I am concentrating on solving the car problem first.

Then I will consider selling my house and moving into an apartment, for two reasons. One, to live cheaper, and two, to make me more flexible in leaving the area if necessary. Since spring is the prime time of year to sell a house, I can't sit on this one too long. So I will get that ball rolling as soon as I get the car.

The relationship issues are teetering. Rob is here to help me in a big way with emotional support and practical info, which is crucial to me when I feel overwhelmed. Andy is far away, and I've had less time to Skype with him since I have so much "work" to do. So naturally, I am feeling the distance with Andy.

I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it. Just riding the wave. But Rob has been so helpful and supportive that I have caught myself wondering if I could ever live without him. This scares me greatly. And messes up my clarity. I thought I knew where I was headed, but lately I am so stressed that I feel weak and dependent.

That's really hard for me. I don't like to rely on someone else (though I know we all need to at times). And I especially feel guilty taking Rob's help when I may be leaving him for another man. My head's in the dump. I need to get it back, and fast!

bitch se$$ion

I'm taking financial hits from all angles these days. All these friggin reminders that I need to make a big decision or two. F U C K !

No surprise that the company I work for overlooked me once again at my annual review. For the 5th year in a row I got a perfect, glowing review and what does that amount to? A whopping 1.1% increase across the board...for all staff. It's never based on performance, or added responsibilities. I made significantly more money 20 years ago. Fuck it. They don't deserve me.

My car is ill. It's a 2002, and it has treated me well up until lately. Since last summer I've been pumping dollars into it, and now there are signs I have a worn head gasket. Now I am shopping around to see what I can afford. Ugh.

Not to mention that both my car insurance and my house insurance have gone up a ridiculous amount this year! WTF??!!

Everything seems to cost more and I am making less. I am watching my account balance slowly dwindle. I'm tired of scrimping and denying myself of things I want and some things I need. I should be further ahead at this point in my life. And it's bothering me. Gotta do something about it soon.

brilliant ways to die

I heard about Corey Haim's death caused by years of drug abuse. It got me to thinking if you had to die from an excess of something you love, what would that be?

I should mention that this idea occurred to me as I was shoving a Fudgee-O in my mouth. And I realized how much more I enjoy that chocolaty experience the faster I eat them. Fudgee-Os are not to be savored slowly. I find I really need to feel the sensation of them completely filling my mouth and chomping down on masses of fudgey substance all at once. BTW Oreos work just as well.

Which brings me to another pleasant way to go...if I must. I wouldn't mind suffocating on a big, beautiful cock. To bring intense pleasure to the man (men) I love just might be worth giving up breathing altogether.

Sex. Yeah, that's the ultimate way to go. Like in the middle of an intense orgasm. Or in that blissful nebulous state afterwards. Maybe because we're so close to God in those heavenly moments, that it feels like a safe, somewhat lateral move to just go with Him.

build your own man

I wish I could combine the traits of all the men I've known. I would start with the ability to love unconditionally--and that I would find in Cam, Rob or Andy.

Then I'd add in Rob's level-headedness, his spiritual beliefs that pretty much mirror mine, his physical fitness, his penis, his butt, his abs and shoulders, his back, his sexual finesse, his love for touching and caressing me endlessly, his openness and willingness to listen and express himself, his financial stability and his ability to solve problems and fix just about anything. I also like our history, and that we started as friends first, and have invested so much in our relationship.

My history with Cam is also to be treasured. He was my (original) soulmate. What I valued most about Cam was his ability to stimulate my mind and emotion. I loved how philosophical and deep he was. I feel I could be emotionally healed by someone like that. He would make me dig down inside myself and figure out what I was made of. I would take his beautiful blue eyes--my favoritest eyes ever! I was also attracted to his love for and knowledge of music. He is also an awesome father, absolutely adored by his son. I love that. And his need to take care of me. He was a very nurturing, caring person.

Franco's voice was the sexiest ever. He could have made a million dollars selling phone sex, or really anything to women over the phone. His charisma was over the top awesome. I also loved his creativity. He was a great flirt and a very adoring gentleman with a face that exemplified love.

Andy's face also speaks love every time he looks at me. I will take the adoration he has for me!! He has the best lips as well as being the best kisser ever--hands down. I love his creative energy, his talent, his affinity for words, especially the romantic ones that touch a tender chord in any woman who ever wanted to be loved. I love the story of how he became an artist, the world he currently lives in and how he's about to make it big. All that potential and the thought of being a part of that exciting time in his life/our lives. I love Andy's sense of humor. I love how unjaded he is about love and his complete openness to giving me whatever I want and need, even if it's a vital organ. How he has offered his life to me right from the beginning. I can be myself with him and feel accepted. We burp freely with each other! I love how he fits comfortably in my world, and in my family. And he's so comfy to sleep with. No snoring!! He treats his mother and brothers very well. I admire his personality and his work. I am proud to be seen with him.

What about my ex-husband Jeff...? He does have good qualities. I would take his sense of responsibility and desire to protect his family. I would also like my man to have Jeff's cooking skills. That he is the father of my children would be nice to transfer to someone else, but unfortunately not possible.

Lee. Lee has a really nice stature. Tall, curly dirty blond hair, nicely built. Bonus. He's a good father to his teenage daughter, something I admire very much. And fairly charity-minded and worldly. I like that too.

Hmmm...am I done building the perfect guy yet?

maria update

It's been awhile since I blogged about either of my daughters. Maria, my oldest at 18, has presented me with more challenges in my life than any other person.

Although we haven't resolved all our issues, I have found more peace lately as she matures and her life progresses.

Now in her 2nd semester at university, she is settling into a groove. Whereas in her 1st semester she thought she couldn't handle it and university life just sucked, she is now showing admirable signs of persistence and drive. She is handling her workload at school, and even talking about a master's degree.

It's nice to see that her feistiness as a baby/toddler/child/teenager has paid off. She may not be as independent as I was at her age, but she's certainly more goal-oriented and decisive. She's no pushover. I'm sure she'll do well in the workforce. It's her personal relationships that I worry about. ANYWAY...

She just landed a part-time job, something she's wanted for over a year, but couldn't seem to find. She has a fondness for the finer things in life, so I am glad she can start having some of those. Her dad and I haven't been able to afford any extravagance since he lost his job last June.

Maria is also getting along so much better with Christie, my 14 year old. The tension between them has subsided now that they do not live together. They appreciate each other more. I absolutely love hearing them in conversation, and laughing. It warms my heart. I so value my relationship with my sister and I wanted them to have the same close bond as I did/do.

I can only hope that things keep improving for Maria. Despite her issues with me, I want her to find her own peace and success in life. ..even if I have to sacrifice having her complete love and affection. It's been 5 long years since she let me hug her. But as long as she is thriving and seemingly happy, I can be happy too.

freaky part 2

Yeah, so here's another parallel...

Andy emails me this morning with subject line "I'm over the..."

He attaches an image of himself holding a DVD case with the word MOON in large letters on it...

and in the body of the email he wrote "for you. xxx".

Rob emailed me early this morning as well. In his reply to my email of last night, he mentions "I would go to the moon and back for you..."

WTF??