lost

Wow. I've really sunk into a funk. I'm not sure if I've ever been in a spot quite like this before. Needing a new car, wanting a new job, deciding how to live cheaper--and where. And then there's emotional issues I've brought on because I am in love with two men. Oh Lordy........

I have so many choices to make all at once. And everything seems to be intertwined. I'm sort of trapped in a Rubik's cube, where one decision affects all the others in a chain-like reaction.

Knowing where to start has been the hardest part. I originally thought that I'd start making my choices based on a future with Andy. But the more I thought about, I had to relieve my financial pressure first, and in a hurry. I certainly couldn't be moving 3000 miles away within a few months.

I decided I had to suck it up and stick with my job, as that is my only source of income, albeit inadequate! And in order to get to that job daily, I need a reliable car. So I am concentrating on solving the car problem first.

Then I will consider selling my house and moving into an apartment, for two reasons. One, to live cheaper, and two, to make me more flexible in leaving the area if necessary. Since spring is the prime time of year to sell a house, I can't sit on this one too long. So I will get that ball rolling as soon as I get the car.

The relationship issues are teetering. Rob is here to help me in a big way with emotional support and practical info, which is crucial to me when I feel overwhelmed. Andy is far away, and I've had less time to Skype with him since I have so much "work" to do. So naturally, I am feeling the distance with Andy.

I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it. Just riding the wave. But Rob has been so helpful and supportive that I have caught myself wondering if I could ever live without him. This scares me greatly. And messes up my clarity. I thought I knew where I was headed, but lately I am so stressed that I feel weak and dependent.

That's really hard for me. I don't like to rely on someone else (though I know we all need to at times). And I especially feel guilty taking Rob's help when I may be leaving him for another man. My head's in the dump. I need to get it back, and fast!