my top 10 of 2010

It's time for my top 10 moments of 2010. I love this part of the year. It's like being a kid on Halloween night. You know, when you dump the heaping bag of candy onto the livingroom floor, and say holy shit! Here I lay out all the gifts I've received. I look at them and just marvel at the blessings the year brought. Here goes...

#10 - Reconnecting with my old friend and mentor Wendy. What a fabulous summer party at a waterfront mansion. Aside from the glam venue, free-flowing wine and food, she made me feel good about myself again when I really needed it.

#9 - More blog action. Not only did I collect a few more followers, but they started talking to me. Love you guys. Blogging is therapy for me. And yours are quite entertaining.

#8 - My witch of a boss finally mellowed after 2 years. She now treats me with respect and I don't dread going into her office. Why the change? She went for life coaching after breaking up with her fiance. She came out a different person. Thank you, God!

#7 - Making my dad happy. Seeing him smile, inspiring him.

#6 - Feeling the joy of watching Andy paint, feeling his joy of painting. A preview to our life together.

#5 - The night Andy first told me I was 'such a good girl'. Oh man, that was one dirty night of sex. He now has a fetish for that black skirt.

#4 - Taking Christie to LA. Being able to take my daughter on a trip like this meant a lot to me. As a single mother struggling to make ends meet, how terrific it felt to fly us across the country to be in the same town where her beloved Jonas Brothers live, see the Pacific Ocean, Hollywood, palm trees. It was perfect. Pat on the back for Mom.

#3 - The moment when I knew. After a year of waffling between Rob and Andy (sometimes on a daily basis), I was finally able to decide with certainty which guy I wanted to spend my life with. And strangely enough I committed myself to him in a Target parking lot. Since that day I've never looked back. :D

#2 - Walking down Santa Monica Blvd. in my pyjamas. The first night of vacation anywhere is usually pretty magical. You're high on adrenaline from having arrived safely, you've escaped the daily grind, and you're at the beginning of a week of good times. This night was phenomenal. It spelled freedom. I remember the overwhelming feeling of I have arrived as I found myself discovering a great city, hand in hand with a great man.

#1 - Top honors go to the night that Christie and I went to see Jonny Lang. A hot summer night, an outdoor concert next to the water, one of my favorite musicians ever. These are the ingredients of an awesome night. But what sent it over the top was seeing Christie fall for Jonny (and his guitar) as much as I did. We connected in a new way, she saw a different side of me that she respected , maybe even admired, and I truly felt like I'd done a good thing. Not to mention that I TOUCHED him...holy shit. I'm still wowing over that one.

bye bye beagle

I said goodbye to my velvet-eared friend today. He's in a new home. The long awaited day has come. My neighbors will no longer be able to complain about his incessant barking every time we leave him alone after dark. And Christie and I can now go out somewhere together without taking the dog or worrying about a nasty note being left in our front door.

Yesterday the decision of 'when' was made, followed by tears of guilt. I treated him like golden dog all day. I took him on a special walk through the woods. I looked him in the eyes and told him that everything was gonna be all right. I let him sleep on my bed and wrapped my arm around him, petted him extra special.

Today I moved him and all his stuff to the new place, but I was much happier. I know the people who he'll now live with. They want him, and they really love dogs. Snoop eagerly ran into their house, proceeded to sniff everything, and danced around seemingly up for the new adventure. Or at least that's how I chose to see it.

There are things I am going to miss about Snoop. I know that he did his very best. And I hope he knows that I did mine.

christmas eve

I'm blessed to have spent Christmas Eve with both my girls. I rarely see Maria anymore. 19 and living at her dad's, her priorities are clubbin' and, luckily, doing well in university. If you didn't already know, she and I have a history of a very stressed relationship. When she does come over, I feel it is actually to see her sister (Christie, 15) and the dog (Snoop, 9), not me.

I don't expect hugs, kisses, or I love you's from Maria. She doesn't welcome those things from me either, which used to hurt a lot, but now it just hurts a little for a short time. I am just grateful if there is peace and respect. On Christmas Eve it should be easy to get along. And we did.

The biggest compliment to me was that she chose to spend the night here and sleep over. It felt nice...complete...to have her back in the house, make up her bed again for her, cook for her. To be able to have them both wake up here on Christmas morning makes a mama smile.

:D

just do it

There's something to be said for spontaneity.

best friends no more

Last weekend when Rob and I were hanging out he suggested he'd like to take me out to dinner for my birthday this week. I really hadn't expected anything like that, but I said sure.

The day before my birthday he called me at work. He said he'd found the right screws to hang my curtain rod, but asked what I was going to do next. When I suggested he might like to come over and help me hang it I got some attitude in a snarky little comment about the kind of relationship we have now. I tried to laugh it off as nothing.

Then he said he'd rather go out to dinner another night to celebrate my birthday because after all, we'd just seen each other and there really wouldn't be that much to talk about. That didn't sit right with me, but I certainly wasn't going to insist.

Back onto the curtain rod issue and he said he'd come over that night to have a look. After we hung up, I felt very strange. I got more and more disappointed about the birthday dinner cancellation, then I felt angry. All these feelings came out of nowhere and before I knew it I was on the verge of tears. Couldn't explain it at the time.

An hour later I received an email from him saying he needed to get something off his chest. It had really bothered him the other night at my place when he heard me say I love you to Andy on the phone. Although he understood it all, he was angry in being reminded that our relationship was going to be ending in a matter of months. And since then he's had a hard time feeling very giving towards me. He added that he didn't feel like coming to my house that night either.

In my volatile state, I fired back an email stating that I didn't think he'd been very giving in a long time. I implied that I had reason to be angry too, and that maybe this friendship just wasn't working out anymore. I left it at that.

It took several days to unravel my feelings. I realized there were a few matters that got all tangled together, and they shouldn't have.

I felt bad that he was hurt because of what I'd said to Andy on the phone. Andy was a little insensitive at the time by fishing for reassurance when he knew Rob was within earshot. But I made the choice to protect Andy's feelings at Rob's expense.

Speaking of Rob's expense, I think he's been stingy lately. And that's what I've been kind of pissed about. I've been generous in sharing my homemade soup with him, my vino, and buying him a Christmas gift (when we don't normally exchange). Yet when we went out to a movie and for drinks a couple weeks ago, we each paid our own way. And then he let me leave the tip! He makes more than double what I do, and I find that just plain cheap, not to mention bad manners.

I felt like blasting him when all these feelings welled up. But I didn't. I can't help but feel like he's been manipulating me. I end up feeling bad for every little favor I ask of him. And wouldn't friends just do those things for each other? It's like he's got to keep driving the point that since we are not lovers I have to pay for my share of everything. Buck up pal and be a man. Every other male friend of mine pays, even when I offer to.

OK, so I'm bitchin and meanwhile I'm hearing you stand in his defense. And you know, I'll take it, I understand I made my bed, now I gotta lie in it. The man is hurt, and has given me way more than expected, and certainly more than any other man would have given under the same circumstances. But I never coerced him. He always had the freedom to make choices, to stay or to go. Now he's hurt. Maybe to the point that he can no longer be my friend.

Tonight I went to his house to give him his gift. We had our usual 'catch up' conversation. Then he talked about one of the dates he'd gone on last week (after our incident). The girl he was out with confronted him about still being in love with me. He couldn't deny it.

Rob knows he has an issue. He says he's fine when he's not around me, he can get on with his life. But he really looks forward to our time together, and then when we are together, he is still so attracted. And he gets sucked right back in. I am not attracted in that way. So he is left sad, unfulfilled and in recovery mode after we've been together. If he was invoved with someone else, we'd be on a somewhat level playing field. But it pretty much kills his chances to advance any other relationship if he's still hooked on me. So he needs me out of his life. And that's what he asked for tonight. I've lost my best friend.

best friends

Rob and I hung out last night. We opened a bottle of wine, sat on my couch and talked. Time can sure fly when we do that sort of thing. It's good to talk to Rob. We cover lots of territory and I'm to the point where I can pretty much talk about anything with him, except detail on Andy, of course. But that's out of respect.

Rob asks some pretty provocative questions and gets me thinking. He is the inner voice of reason at all times. Which is good, if reason is what you're looking for. It's hard for him to understand that I might not always be looking for reason, or the other fine qualities he possesses. He still can't quite comprehend why I would have given up such a great love as ours (and chosen Andy).

If he could have witnessed Andy and me on that first day/night together, he would know. If he could have seen how I was moved by Andy's total abandon, his confession of love, and willingness to put his heart on the line once again with no guarantees. It was that, and Andy's brilliance with words, that won me over. I'd been looking for someone to inspire me towards a new level of growth, and Andy was the one. I admire so many things about him.

But those are things I can't tell Rob because they'd just be too damn painful to hear. He's better left wondering. Don't you think? So now Rob continues to ponder the what if's while I have completely accepted the fact that it wasn't ever quite right for a reason. Let's not think about fixing it.

I have moved on to life with Andy. I still have love for Rob, but not desire. I still crave time with him, more for the conversation of a good friend and because he knows me so well, is familiar with my history and is the perfect person to bounce ideas off of. His hugs are still great. And I choose not to think about his physical attributes for fear that I might remember them all too well.

Rob is starting to date again. He hasn't found anyone quite as wonderful as me yet (his words), but he's in a good place emotionally. He's not pining over me and we can still hang out and be friends without jeopardizing my new relationship. Best friends, in fact.

today

Drinking wine...brain tired from today's 3 hour exam...I'm all thunk out...skyped with Andy and was reminded of how loved I am...and the life I am going to have...I hear the tappity-tap of the dawg's long nails across the floor...is he tap dancing?...the cold wind blows the snow sideways outside and I thank God I am inside wrapped in this blanket, the large glass of magic by my side...tomorrow shitloads of Christmas cookies will be made...family traditions, what's left of them as the daughters grow up and roll their eyes at 'old peoples' tradition...they'll remember one day when their little ones come...it's ok, Mom gets the last laugh...life is good today.

i like people...

who are passionate about something and want to share it, not force it

who are extremely talented in some way yet humble

who understand human relationships

who are fascinated with the workings of the opposite gender

who like to go deep

who are flirtatious

who appreciate the little things the most

with a sweet disposition, especially when they are very old

who admittedly don't know everything and want to hear what you know

in the catbird seat

Things are happening! I'm in a really good place right now. The most recent stress of my online course is coming to an end, plus I'll be acing the course which also makes me happy pappy. Yesterday I finished almost all of my Christmas shopping. My divorce is well underway--I should be able to file all the paperwork with the court late next week AND my ex has agreed to pay for it. Andy is recovering nicely from the trauma of his mugging last week. He got a lead on a great building with a bunch of 2 bedroom apartments available...in our price range and in a great location at the base of the Hollywood Hills. And I made contact this week with 3 possible schools for Christie and already have 2 appointments set to meet with counselors when I go there in January. I love when my hard work pays off.

:P !!!

mo dirty from Andy

I don't know where Andy gets these shots, and I really don't want to know. But I do like how he continues to send them to me to remind me of how delicious and dirty our sex life is. In this one I love how she's grabbing the guy's hair. But I bet he loves it even more.

fragile

My phone rang in the middle of a dream last night. I rolled over in my sleepy stupor to answer it.

Andy's voice said are you sleeping?

I said yeah, I think so.

I just got mugged.

---a few seconds of silence---

Oh my God, are you alright? Did they hurt you?

I'm ok, they didn't hurt me. They got my wallet and my ring though.

Oh no, your ring! Are you sure you're alright?

Yeah, I'm over at the neighbors'. They're feeding me wine. I'm pretty calm now, the police just left.

Where were you?

I was walking to the corner to get a taco and they jumped me right by the school.

Oh my God, honey, I'm so sorry. I need to be there with you. (meanwhile I'm freaking at the thought of actually witnessing this whole scene) So what happened?

A guy came running towards me and I thought oh shit. So I looked behind me and another one was coming at me. And there was a 3rd one in the car in the street, so there was nowhere to go.

Three guys? (still freaking, but trying to sound calm for his sake)

Yeah. So the 1st guy points a gun right in my face and says 'gimme your money'

At this point I am completely stunned hearing him use the word 'gun'......

So I gave him my wallet. And then he says 'and the ring', and I said, 'oh not the ring'. And he shouts 'give it!' and pulls it off my hand. And then they take off and jump in the car. And I hear one guy say to the other 'you just gonna let him go? he's seen our license plate' and I'm thinking oh God I'm gonna get shot in the back now. Frig. Thank God they just left. I went to the girls' next door and they called the police and stuff.

I was speechless since hearing that my love had a gun pointed at his face. I don't know what to say. While I was sickened by the whole thing I was also so damned thankful that he was not hurt. But I was very worried about his emotional reaction to everything. And that I couldn't be there to help in any way. Or hug him.

We didn't talk much after that. I think he was sort of in shock, and getting a little drunk. After we hung up I lay there and wondered if that conversation had really happened, because it seemed more like a nightmare. Half an hour later I was questioning whether I had told him that I love him. I couldn't remember saying it, and I wanted him to hear it. So I called his cell, but voice mail picked up. I left him the most sincere message I could manage while stifling my tears.

Sleep escaped me for another hour or so, but I did eventually find some. Which is more than I can say for Andy. We have talked several times today and he seems to be handling things ok. But he hasn't slept yet, and he's been busy replacing his drivers license, credit cards, etc.

Last time we talked his biggest concern was that I wouldn't want to move out there anymore. I can't say I've made that decision, but I am certainly freaked out by this whole thing. I have to consider the safety of my daughter and myself, which means we all might have to move to a more suburban area. But then again, I heard in my local news this morning that a store in a town 5 minutes from here was held up last night. Tis the season I guess. Anyway, I assured him that we would work it out. Together.

Andy said he heard on the news there were a total of 4 armed robberies in his neighborhood last night. Oddly enough he wondered which number he was. I can't imagine what it's like to be him right now. He was so invaded, and momentarily terrified for his life. Our future together was hanging in the balance of that one moment. Our fate rested in someone else's hands and that's pretty scary. Someone who needed drugs, or Christmas money, or who knows what.

In spite of all the anger I should have for these people who almost wrecked my life and ended his, I ask 'what would love do now?' from my favorite book Conversations with God. And then I hear the answer pray for the 3 guys. And I will appreciate even more the love that Andy and I have. You don't wait 29 years for nothing. We deserve this and it will be ours.

hands from heaven

Do you believe in spirits? And do you believe they can transcend the spirit world and touch a human?

I've been waiting for a sign ever since my grandparents died. Gramps went first in 2001, just 2 months before his 90th birthday. He died a happy man and I still picture him looking content with a grin on his face and a sparkle in his hazel eyes. I dreamed about him last week, a treasured few moments in which I got to hug him again.

Grama went 5 years after Gramps, and it wasn't an easy 5 years for her. In fact, it was horrible as she was wrought with anxiety and depression right to the end. Although I had a beautiful moment holding her frail little hand as I said my last goodbye at her bedside, I choose to draw on my childhood and teen memories of her.

I was always her favorite grandchild, I am sure. She wanted good things for me, and I know she smiles now at all the love I have found in my life. She probably even winks at some of my escapades, as I believe the female sex drive runs rampant in my family, inherited straight down the line from Gram.

Anyway.......I have a wind chime in my bedroom that I had always hoped she would ring from beyond. It has never rung. And that's ok, because in the last week, Gram has started touching me. Mostly when I am standing in my kitchen, I feel a warm hand against the left side of my back, behind where my heart is.

I don't feel it away from home, ever. When it first started in my kitchen I immediately thought of her. And so I believe it is her.What else would it be? I welcome it, just as I would welcome her to visit me. I am fascinated by the possibility.

clarity in the fog

The fog was thick as pea soup that morning when I drove 45 mins to work, and the same again 8 hours later when I drove all the way back home. Later that Friday night I was headed 45 mins in yet another direction to pick up Andy from a bar in our hometown where he had gone to see a band with some old friends. Pea soup must've been the special of the day. It was the thickest fog I'd seen in years.

Good thing a little crazy weather never scared me. On the road, white knuckling it in spots, I knew that seeing Andy would be worth the trek. All the while I was hoping to God that a deer didn't decide to dart across the country road.

Just as I'm approaching my usual entrance to the major highway that would open the path and carry me to my man, I notice a detour sign. Shit.

OK, I can do this. The detour leads me toward the winding road that runs right along river. At least I've traveled this route before. Although I can't see more than 10' in front of me, I know the direction I'm going. I immediately felt sorry for anyone from out of town trying to navigate these roads. They could forget about reading street signs. My plan was to slow down and just follow the road, which happened to be damn close to the edge of the water, mind you. Seemed like God was playing a joke on me...testing my limits...

But really, God was showing me something. I suddenly realized the incredible analogy I was living at that moment. Driving through this fog, I couldn't see how I was getting to where I was going, but I knew where I was going. Though I didn't have control over the factors that surrounded me, I had faith that I was going in the right direction, that I would be safe and I would arrive unscathed. I think the most valuable realization was that I wasn't scared. It couldn't have paralleled my challenge of moving to California any better.

Not 2 minutes after my little epiphany, I reached a small town where the road opened up and the fog cleared completely. Really??!! Wow.

There are few moments in life when things like this grab my attention and open my eyes. But when they do, they are so damn precious and powerful. It was such a cool story, I had to tell Andy as soon as I got to him, and I just had to tell you.

he wants me

It's a beautiful thing to be wanted, adored, and to be thought of many times throughout the day. Knowing how much he wants me in his life, and in his house, makes me want to give him exactly that. He says it's forever, and it's fine with me if it works out that way, but I'm going to try to focus on enjoying our new life day by day. Gotta get there first!

nutcase

Sometimes I wonder if I'm bi-polar. There are times when I feel like the world is mine to conquer and I say bring it on, baby! Then there are times when I find myself cornered in a situation that makes me feel incompetent or inadequate, and I doubt everything about myself. I hear my own voice in my head arguing with me, criticizing everything I do and say. I hate that.

These changes usually happen slowly and last days, not minutes. I waft in and out of both scenarios trying to analyze what triggers it. Is it my cycle? Circumstances in my life? Stress? Illness? Or are my brain chemicals just fucked up?

The last time a dark mood swept down on me was during Andy's visit. We were on our trip to the little inn. Actually we'd left the inn and headed into Toronto to meet up with my photographer friend and his girlfriend for dinner. I'd been laughing my ass off all day and was quite adventurous with Andy. Hell, I'd even sat in the middle of a country road to pose for another photo in Andy's Dinamo series.

But later that evening when the 4 of us were catching up over awesome wine and food in the coolest of all restaurants, I felt myself sinking. I saw myself as an outcast as the 3 of them had animated conversation about films I'd never seen, bands I'd never heard of, and all the interesting things they were doing...and I wasn't.

I'm not sure anyone noticed the giant L on my forehead, but it felt like I'd be better off waiting in the car out in the parking lot. To be polite I faked it as best I could, but also felt angry at myself for letting this insecurity infringe on precious time with my boyfriend and friends. WTF??!!

I was relieved to finally leave, but then felt awkward on the long drive back home. Andy could tell I was unusually quiet and asked me what was wrong. I didn't know how to answer at first. I finally said something about not feeling good about myself these days. He was totally supportive and sweet. Although he didn't fix my insecurities (and I wouldn't expect him to), I felt comforted in his concern and receptiveness to me. It felt good to get it out.

The mood lasted a couple more days, and I didn't feel great physically, so it could have been an off-shoot of a virus or something. But I made the best of it with Andy, and it didn't slow down our intimacy in any way ;) . But at the same time I dread its return. I want to feel like the world is mine all the time. I need to feel that way, especially when Andy's not here by my side. Having his support now makes me realize how nice it's gonna be to finally have a permanent partner.

candyass

Andy emailed me this photo with a very succinct message:

Can we do this?

:)

setting the skeletons free

I decided to use our trip to the little country inn to break into some new territory with Andy. You know, I was looking to further our relationship by digging a little deeper and what better place than the cozy, romantic restaurant at the inn...

We were pretty hot and heavy even before dinner, having already christened the kingsize bed in our room. Then we ordered this awesome bottle of red meritage to start off, which made us a little dreamier yet, but also acted as my liquid courage to open up this new conversation.

Andy was so receptive, and he always is, so I don't know why the hell I hesitate to get certain things off my chest. Anyway, I started asking him about his past relationships...to tell me about the good ones, and why the bad ones were bad etc. I already knew about his longterm girlfriend when he lived in NYC, and how and why that ended. And I know about his ex, the mother of his son, and how and why that began, and ended.

But mystery has always surrounded what happened after his divorce and up until now. How did this great guy stay single for so long and not get scooped up by any beautiful California women?? Well, after hearing a few stories about some pretty short term relationships, it appears that California women have their heads screwed on a little crooked. Or a lot.

These women were flighty, or generally lacking direction or ambition or a sense of reality. Maybe all of the above. I know I can't judge them all by Andy's stories. Maybe he just didn't know what he wanted, so he attracted women who also didn't know what they wanted. Somewhere along the line he created a dream that included someone like me, and his dream converged with mine. Lucky us.

I guess my biggest relief was that he wasn't hanging out with sleazy women, or druggies. I think he just got tired of being around women who were used to Daddy bailing them out of their messes, or ones who talked about doing great stuff, but never had a clue how to make it happen. In comes the ultimate planner...me! Plus I have a few other skills he can appreciate. :) It's all good.

So, after he finished telling me about his past, I offered a skeleton out of my own closet. I gave him the lowdown on Franco. This was back in '99. I had fallen in love with this guy before I even met him. We worked on a project together over the phone and by email, and I was so charmed by his personality and the attention he gave me, that I absolutely adored him within a few weeks. When I finally did meet him in person, the sparks flew. He was charming AND gorgeous. I was doomed.

I was 11 years into a marriage that had been slowly dying for years, and Franco woke up every numb nerve in my body. I explained to Andy that I knew getting into this thing with Franco was going to be trouble, but I didn't stop myself. I wanted it more than anything. Let's be clear, though. I never was sexually involved with Franco. I just kissed him and adored him. I only actually saw him like 3 times. But he rocked my world.

My husband found out about us one day and acted as if I had been having a full blown affair. Looking back, I kind of wish I had had the pleasure of fucking Franco since I got accused of it anyway. I had to end the relationship at that point, and I grieved terribly for the next year or more. My husband never forgave me (for what I didn't really do), and the marriage continued to disintegrate for another 7 years. But I persisted in trying to fix it.

Although I repeatedly apologized to my husband for the pain I had caused him, I never regretted having that relationship with Franco. He opened the window to my soul and I am forever grateful to him.

So, there Andy sat in the dimly lit restaurant listening to me tell my story, watching me turn a little flush as I relived the excitement of that time. He smiled. I asked if he wanted to change his mind about me after hearing what I had done. He smiled again.

He couldn't see anything to blame me for. All he could point out is why that would never happen to us. Because he would always make me feel so loved that I would never be looking for it somewhere else. Bottom line is he thinks I am perfect and my ex is a total dufus. I'm not sure I would say it quite that way, but I do appreciate his support.

Some of the skeletons have been set free. There are more, but we have time. We have all the time in the world. And I am seeing that it is safe and good to talk about these things.

temporarily awol

I've got excuses up the ying yang for why I haven't been blogging...

• Andy's in town
• major assignment due in my course
• emotional upheaval
• life's too short
• knickers in a snit

Bottom line is I miss blogging and I hope to get back at y'all soon with some juicy stuff.

a breakthrough or two

Andy's a very happy man. He achieved something on this trip that was very important to him. Mainly, he was able to give me an orgasm. This is not something I do instantaneously or easily or too early in a relationship.

For me, an orgasm has huge emotional requirements. I have to trust my partner implicitly and feel a close bond. Then there's the usual requirements of attraction, love and technique. With each visit over the past year, Andy was growing weary that he wasn't gonna be able to cut the mustard with me. I kept assuring him that it would happen.

And it did this time, on our second night together. His technique's always been good, but I just needed to show him where the bells and whistles are stored. Then he went to the task and claimed his prize. It felt good for me of course, but I was really happy for him.

Then I/we ended up getting another prize on the 3rd day. We had traveled to a very small town out in the middle of nowhere to stay at an inn. Turns out we used up the condoms on days 1 and 2, and there wasn't time to hit the local WalMart before we headed out of town. Three general stores later it was decided that people in that town either had very large families or used alternate methods of birth control.

Oh, back to the prize....! Well, Andy and I started fooling around in our room once we checked in. We knew we couldn't go all the way that night without protection, so we resorted to oral play. And play we did...for the first time without a condom. OMG it was so much nicer without that little bulbous piece of latex hanging there tickling my epiglottis and making me want to gag.

We were tongue to skin finally and it was wonderful. Of course, we gratefully shared that prize on that night and many of the remaining nights of his visit.

it pays to have a sense of humor in the bedroom

"It's different this time," Andy said as we sat on my bed the first night of his visit. "I love you so much, I don't want to be without you any more," he added with an intensity and seriousness I haven't often seen in my playful boyfriend.

We slowly rediscovered each other with all 5 of our senses and no computer screen between us.

Sex was great that night, and hot. He entered me in the traditional way, then soon he had me on top for a session of 69 . The thing is with these reunion nights, you've been starved from each other so long that you just can't get everything you want fast enough. The playground is stocked with amazing toys and you want to play with them all at once.

The mutual licking and sucking was getting hotter by the minute, then he upped the ante by playing with my ass. I'll leave the detail to your imagination...but I'll assure you it was pretty damn hot. Anyway, back to missionary position and he tells me that when he's close to coming he wants to take the condom off so i can watch him shoot it on me cuz there was going to be a lot.

So he's thrusting away and suddenly stops cuz he feels the wave starting. He pulls out and he's kind of perched on his knees. He proceeds to try to pull the condom off fast...from the tip...and it proceeds to stretch to about 18" in length!

All I can see is this piece of rubber reaching its maximum length of stretchability and I intinctively lean to one side feeling like i'm about to get popped in the eyeball with a slingshot. My brain's telling me to get the hell out of the line of fire.

It was actually quite hilarious. I am picturing his poor cock stretching to the same length as this condom, and before you know it we are laughing our friggin heads off. Finally I grab the condom from the base and pull it up and off and the cum of course dribbles out and it's all over. It's been over for awhile.

We missed the grand moment, but we laughed like there was no tomorrow. What a fiasco. The fun begins.

andy eve

My darling arrives tomorrow. As much as this back and forth visiting is turning into a routine for us, tonight I am as excited as a kid on Christmas Eve. I can't wait to be face to face with Andy, touch him, hug him tight, and take him home with me. Not to mention the anticipation of sex!!!!!

And as I usually do the day before the visit, I have thought about how we can progress our relationship, or what we need to learn about each other this time. (When did I become such a goal-oriented person?)

Since he's been making references to marriage from the time I got back from California, I think we need to learn what each other's hopes and expectations about marriage are. I need to ask him what does marriage mean to you? What does it look like?

Maybe even more importantly, Andy should know certain things before he decides he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Can he handle the truth? Like the story about how I fell in love with another man during my 19-year marriage. And how I stress myself out to the point of meltdown a few times a year. Sure, I recover quick, but I depend on my guy pretty heavily in that time. And will he be able to accept my spiritual background--does he care that my entire outlook in life is directed by messages channeled from spiritual beings?

I think I also want to ask him what kind of women he's been with. This is a big mystery to me, and something we've talked very little about. Plus it directly affects my level of comfort in having unprotected sex with him. I would love to get rid of the condoms, but can't do it until I know for sure it's safe. This is some ridiculous amount of self-discipline I've been exercising. For a chick who loves sucking cock, it's pretty inconvenient dealing with a condom. Well, actually it's only the little bulbous thing (reservoir?) that's an issue. Funny enough that dangly thing is the same shape as my dangly thing (epiglottis?) and they do not like each other!

OK, back to my point. I love this man, and I love how we take great leaps forward. I am at the point in my life where I need to know he can deliver what I need, especially considering that I am planning on uprooting my life here and moving myself and my daughter 2000 miles away. Wow, it blows my mind sometimes. And then again it excites me. Kinda like sex.

Stay tuned for the Andy story.

flattery will get you everywhere

s.o.s.

I made a rescue call to Rob yesterday. It was actually an email telling him I needed a hug. It had been a lousy week where I let my stress get the better of me. I decided I needed a night of major diversion cuz I'd been driving myself much too hard.

So when I got home from work, I dodged my usual routine. I threw together grilled cheese sandwiches and Campbell's tomato soup for dinner (awesome for dippin!), hopped into a hot bath, and completely ignored the dirty dishes and my laptop. Both homework and Andy got temporarily ditched. Then I poured myself a shot.

Rob called around 7:30 and came over. Christie had gone out so there as plenty of peace and quiet. I immediately took a hug, a long one. I was proud of myself for not crying in that moment of relief. To be honest, it felt like the love and comfort of a dad (that I never had). I really needed it. It's just plain nice to be cared for and held.

I went back for seconds, and thirds. The longer I stayed, the more TLC came my way. Rob's most defining factor (well, maybe 2nd most defining) is his ability and desire to stroke my hair endlessly. It's a rarity in a man, and it's something I always appreciated about him. I soaked it all in as a healing treatment. I finally relaxed and felt unburdened for the first time in weeks.

All the while Rob's hoping I will lie on the couch with him, I resist. He thought I was silly kneeling there on the floor with my head on his chest. I eventually hoisted myself up onto the couch alongside him, but left one leg planted on the floor. Very Lucy-like in my ways, feeling a need to play it safe and respect the relationship I've chosen. For anyone who's lost track, that means Andy!

Rob left by 10pm when I had to go pick Christie up. I was thankful for his love and support, and he was glad to give it. He is a true friend, and that is true love...when he can give to me unconditionally, knowing I can't return his love it in the way he would like. We are connected at a soul level and probably always will be.

s.a.d.

I'm freaking out these days with a darkness that keeps creeping in where there used to be light. Except for the case of my hair which is getting lightter by the day--what's with these grey intruders? Seems I've had a rapid onset of aging in the last week. Frown lines included.

Man! I'm finding myself so stressed every night that I just wanna cry. I am feeling tired of working so damn hard. From bouncing out of bed at 6am to walk the dog to driving 45 mins to work, toiling my ass off for 8.5 hrs, then 45 mins back home so I can cook dinner, and sometimes do the dishes and laundry. Then I spend some time either on homework or skyping with Andy (my one daily pleasure besides sleep).

And before you know it, it's 10pm and I am petered out. This is my life.

Usually I can handle it fine cuz I am a planner and a doer. I accomplish more in a day than the average person does in a week. But I am now PMSing. And with the days getting shorter (darker), I'm taking my vitamin D, but it sure doesn't seem to be warding off the S.A.D.

I should be happy. My ex finally agreed yesterday to pay for our divorce. And Andy's coming for a visit next week. I am healthy (despite these fall blues) and have an exciting new life to look forward to. So wtf?

fears down, guilt to go

I've had so many fears in my life, most of which I have overcome in the last 3 years. Maybe not 'so many', but even if you have 1 or 2, they feel all-consuming when all you want is a peaceful life.

I used to be scared of travelling. I used to be scared of puking. I used to be scared of flying. I used to be scared of speaking in public. I used to be scared to discuss difficult issues with people.

Now I enjoy travelling which has pretty much opened up the world to me. I cannot imagine a life spent in or around one's hometown when places like Santorini, Paris and NYC are begging to be seen, touched, tasted, and felt.

I went about 18 years without puking, then I puked 3 times within 2 weeks, oh, about a month ago. No biggie, really. I wondered what's the big deal?

And flying? Well I psych myself up before flights, and since I don't fly that much (yet) I haven't had much of a chance to get used to it. But it seems easier each time and I'll actually be flying alone for the first time in January. So far no panic attacks.

Speaking in public I learned to do in my work. I can do small groups fine, and who knows, maybe even large groups, but I haven't been presented with that challenge yet. I do need to know what I'm going to talk about as I am terrible at winging it. I'm not even that great a conversationalist, but can do it well if I want to, or if I've had coffee. Zzzzzing!

Talking about difficult issues with people is a work in progress. I do NOT enjoy this at all, but I realize it is an absolute in life, so I force myself to try and get into the ring. I grew up in a family that swept things under the rug, so had no practice dealing with issues verbally. In my 19 year marriage my husband was determined to always be right, so talking about it was a waste of time, energy and a totally defeating process. I clammed up worse than ever.

Then Cam came along, and Rob. Both of those gentle, sweet men were so patient with me and gave me a safe environment to reveal my feelings and troubles. Still it was never easy for me. But I learned how important it is. I guess I fear criticism and rejection most of all. I just cringe thinking of it.

So, having tackled most of those issues, I am left only with guilt. Most people wouldn't believe that I feel guilt at all. They see me as someone who never does anything wrong in the first place, and I come across as being a very confident and 'together' woman.

It's just my ex and my 19 year old daughter Maria that see me as the total opposite. They think I should feel guilty about many things I have done, and as they so adamantly see me that way, I sometimes start to believe it myself. I can more easily ignore what my ex thinks of me, but when it comes to my child I am affected on a deep level despite all logic. Because I care what she thinks and how she feels.

I am at the point now where I have to start figuring out how to break the news to Maria that I want to move to California. She'll likely say that she doesn't care if I go, but she won't want me taking her sister with me. I know this will be painful on a few levels, so I have to be ready to face it. I so wish I could get her to see what's in it for her. It could be such an opportunity for her. But I have seen how she reacts to my news, and I feel defeated before I start. Sound familiar?

This is one fear I am going to have to get professional help dealing with. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want to be happy and live my life. This is a whole bunch of big changes all at once and I want to go into this new beginning with Andy healthy and happy, not dragging bags of guilt with me. I also think that Christie might benefit from talking to a professional about the big move. We need to do this right.

Add counselling to the list.

last cold winter

The days are chilly, and sunny if we're lucky. Darkness comes earlier every day. The nights are downright cold, and so is my bed.

I've made my choice and now have one man I call my partner. Content as I am with my decision, I find my bed is much too empty. Andy arrives early next month for another visit and I want him like I've never wanted him before. I just may devour him on the first night.

Not only do I need him sexually, but I need him emotionally too. I need to refuel our connection in person in order to build my momentum. It's going to be a long winter flying solo, and I need all the help I can get. Lots to do to get ready for the big move next year. I need my energy to get through what I see as the final challenge. Just get me through this winter and I'm home free.

ex-clusive expectations

I am thinking back on a conversation I had with Andy back in California. The end of my trip was nearing and I wanted to establish where our relationship stood and where we wanted it to go.

As we pulled into the parking lot of Target I thought what better time to get serious? I first told him what an amazing vacation it had been and that I loved getting to know him better and finally seeing his world. We both acknowledged that our relationship had evolved a lot in this visit.

So I asked him if he now had any expectations of me or us moving forward. He said not really, but he hoped that I would be able to move out there with him. I told him that I had no expectations of him either, other than to make smart decisions keeping our future together in mind. To me, this meant have sex if you must, but be safe while doing it and don't fall in love with anyone else. I didn't verbalize this, but I figured my words were sufficient.

Bottom line, I confirmed our status before I left California because I didn't know how I'd feel when I got back home. Well, it turns out I involuntarily committed myself to Andy right there in the parking lot of Target. I just didn't declare it in case he couldn't do the same. But I felt it. Honestly, I haven't wanted to be (intimate) with Rob since I've been back. And I can't think of anything that excites me more than living with Andy and waking up to him every day.

Six weeks later I still feel so committed to Andy, I find that my expectations have changed. I also want the status of our relationship to change--to match the way I/we feel. I want us to be exclusive partners. That may seem like a no brainer to you, but it's a big deal to me. I am rather amazed that I feel this way. But it feels good...until I let that tiny bit of fear creep in.

I hate to admit it, but I have a stupid little fear that Andy might be having sex with someone else. He's never led me to believe that. It's totally my own doing. It's the craziness that grows out of loneliness and missing him.

What nags at me is that I know he goes to his son's house a few times a week. Sometimes it turns out his son isn't home, but he stays anyway and hangs out with his ex. And she is just gorgeous--a young blonde with long flowing hair, nice boobs and full lips. I think she was a stripper when he met her. He says what a f'd up mess she is and describes their relationship more like a brother/sister thing, but still. She is beautiful and he hangs out at her house regularly. And who's to say she won't go after him again? I think she's jealous that he has someone and she doesn't.

I know I've got to get my head out of my ass. This is nuts. I've just got to ask him if he's ready to make the jump with me. I'm actually mad at myself for allowing these thoughts to get out of hand. Shame on me. Right?

the Rob experiment

Rob and I finally got together again. It was sort of an experiment. We'd spent a month apart to force ourselves to see what life without each other would be like. This was part of the fallout from my trip to LA.

As the one month date approached I had suggested we go out for a drink, but he said he had wine at his house. So I agreed to go to his house, a little reluctantly. I had kind of hoped for neutral territory. Anyway, he knew that I wasn't intending to be intimate. That was important to me, and Icertainly didn't want him to have unrealistic expectations. We didn't actually know what we'd do other than have a drink and talk.

So I walked up to his front door and knocked. That felt strange. I'd let myself in every time before over the last 4 years. He opened the door and invited me in. A hug was in order, long overdue in fact. He felt short and small to me...I guess compared to Andy. But it felt good to have strong arms wrapped around me.

We sat on opposite ends of the couch and caught up on each other's happenings as we downed a glass of wine. I could feel it after only half a glass. But it was good. I had stuff to share and booze always helps.

Much to my relief, I didn't feel at all attracted to Rob while we were talking and drinking. I didn't want that challenge. I wanted to know that Andy was the one, and that I wouldn't have to struggle with my indecision anymore.

I told Rob that I'd really missed having him to talk to, to hang out with. Apparently he's had an even harder time than me. In more than one way. He got a couple erections just while we talked. That felt a little awkward. We talked about getting divorces from our exes, my plans to move, some work issues, kids, and the biggest one...where do we go from here...

But after only one drink and 1 1/2 hours, I left. It was only 8:00. I went home and I felt just fine about it. To stay any longer would not have been productive. I would have started feeling sorry for him, and then bad about hurting him. This visit was short and sweet and to the point.

Rob and I will get together again. If we want to stay in touch we have to recreate our relationship in a way that works for both of us. I have to admit, it's not as fun being with him as it used to be. We have to figure out how to fill the time we used to spend in bed. And those were some pretty stimulating hours. A tough act to follow to say the least!

But I value our bond and the path we walked together--it was a big one--and I want to honor it. We've changed each other's lives for the better. I love him at a soul level and that will not change. I only hope that he can find peace in our transformation.

what's in a number?

October 10, 2010 will never come again. But I guess that's true of every other day on the calendar, too. What's with people's fascination with numbers? Do you know how many weddings took place on this date?

My friend's was one of them. He finally found the 'right one' he said when I saw him in August. His words warmed my heart because I could tell he was truly happy and excited to be marrying his lover. But he never pointed out the date 10-10-10, and I didn't realize it at the time.

I heard of another couple that insisted on tying the knot at 10:10am on that very day. OK, that's getting retarded. Are these people ruled by numbers? Maybe they're accountants. Or superstitious. Or trying their damnedest to make their marriage a perfect 10. And their marriage just might last until 11-11-11 or 12-12-12. I dunno. Who am I to judge? It just seems kind of juvenile.

If I get married to Andy I want it to be on an August 1st, the anniversary of the day we met again after 29 years. That was such a magical day. I remember we walked past a wedding party having photos taken on the steps of the art gallery as we crossed the street to the park. As we joked about telling them don't do it!, I secretly wondered if that could ever be us...and I can see it now. Was it an omen? Oh God, I sound like those number people!

to beagle or not to beagle

Pets. You can't live with 'em and you can't live without 'em.

I love my dog, but he also is a major pain in the butt. I became the reluctant owner of this runt beagle almost 9 years ago when my now 'ex' decided we needed a family dog. He did this mostly to become a hero in the eyes of our daughters, despite the fact that the one who would end up being the main caretaker (me) didn't want to take on that commitment. I knew that it would be tantamount to having another kid.

But I soon fell in love with the little rascal and took my very best care of him, as I did with my own children. And, as I expected, I was the one who fed him, walked him, cleaned up after him, and rescued him in the middle of the night when he barked so terrified of the thunder. I also protected him from the wrath of my ex who had no patience for humane training, preferring to hit the poor thing and scream at him in his own frustration. (No wonder I left him.)

When the ex and I split, we decided to share the dog just as we shared the kids. And for the first year or so that worked. Then my ex lost his job and had to sell his house. He moved to a place where he could not have a dog, so guess who got to take over full responsibility? Right. Not only did I inherit the entire burden of time and effort to take care of the dog, but the cost as well. Vet check ups, special food, and an $800 dental surgery that I just finished paying for. Oh yeah, so fair. But I'm thinking of the welfare of the dog and the poor little guy didn't ask for any of this!

As much of a burden that this whole situation is on me, this little runt is the most loyal, easy going, cutest and sweetest beagle you could ever know. He follows me everywhere (endearing and annoying at the same time) and sleeps at my feet or in the crook of my legs as I lay on my side. He has a great disposition and is dearly loved by the girls, and me.

He is absolutely and hopelessly dependent on me....to the point that he is very anxious when he is left alone after dark. When I have left him alone he races through the house working himself into a panic, barking incessantly. This has been a real problem since May as I have received notes from my neighbor that the noise is disturbing them.

I've talked to my vet, tried retraining my dog in obedience and being quiet. I even bought a crate and started getting him used to that. And I've had a lot of success, but not enough. Last weekend I had a fight with the neighbor who left me a very nasty note which really pissed me off. And he threatened to take the matter to the police next. I've already received 2 notices from the town bylaw officer, so I am seeing the writitng on the wall. The dog's got to go.

It really sucks. I admit I am kind of exhausted caring for this pup, and I know I will not be able to take him when I move next year, so it does make sense to find a new home for him. But I suffer from mother guilt. Both as 'mother' of this little dog, and towards my daughters who will have to deal with losing their pet. Ouch.

I look at his sad beagle eyes and know that he is so dependent on me. Can anyone else take care of him the way that he needs? Will they treat him with loving care or beat him into submission like my ex did? I do worry about him. But most of all I worry about what my dog will think about me. I think this thought and it hurts deep in my gut. Will he feel that I have abandoned him?

love not to be measured

I love you more than I've ever loved anybody.

Andy said that to me tonight. Awesome words to hear. I immediately felt like I should say something equally as awesome. All I could muster up was Our love is so great, so fun, and I am so excited about us and where we're going. This the truth. And I'm all about truth.

Because really, when I thought of who I've loved more than anybody, Cam was the first to come to mind, then Rob. Tinges of guilt kind of poked at me, but were soon lost in the distraction of the conversation that continued.

Later I reflected a little bit on what had happened in that awkward moment. And it's important to note that Andy never gave me any reason to feel guilty about what I said, or more accurately, what I didn't say. I was the one who was mildly tormented by it.

It's not so big a deal the more I think about it. All love is different and can't always be measured apples to apples. Sure, I fell deepest for Cam. I knew he was my soulmate since age 16, and he was my savior in many ways. But a few years ago, when I laid all my cards on the table, he folded. He just couldn't give up his life in AZ to be with me. And so how do you rate a love like that? Am I sorry I went though that? Not for a minute!

My love with Rob was such a physical and spiritual celebration. We reached heights I never knew could exist. God spoke to me several times during intimate moments with Rob. That's powerful shit. But the relationship obviously had limits. I could never picture myself growing old with Rob. When he wanted more, I wasn't ready, and when I wanted more, he kept giving reasons why we should take it slow. And I couldn't ignore how I would keep seeking a different kind of guy, a stronger personality, a leader. But the sex was outta this world!! Sorry? Nope.

So who's to say what was the greatest love? They're all great, and necessary. How do you ever measure such a thing anyway? Each guy has his own great qualities or things he is amazing at. Maybe it's not even about the guy. Maybe it's who appears at the time you are ready. I wholeheartedly believe in the law of attraction and I have attracted some of the greatest loves.

just another day at the beach

I wannabe on this beach naked. Sunkissed and sandkissed, awaiting the arrival of my lover.

get me outta here!

OK, don't get me wrong. I'm very happy with the recent turn of events in my life. I'm thankful to have finally attained clarity in my love life and set my future in motion, and I have new changes to look forward to. All that's good. In fact, it's GREAT.

One of the consequences of choosing this new direction in my life is that I've lost my best friend Rob. Yeah, he was my lover too, but the part I miss most is the friendship. Having someone to bounce the daily shit off of, someone to hang out with, drink with, go places with--not that we went many places, but still...!

The craziness of my busy life while juggling 2 guys, a full time job, house, daughter and dog on my own left me no time for girlfriends. So, that option's out, at least right now. Besides, girls just aren't as interesting as guys. So every single night in the last 3 weeks has been spent studying my new online course, and skyping with Andy.

I love Andy dearly, and I'm stimulated by learning cool new stuff, but it's too much of a good thing. I'm lacking variety and experiences. I haven't been anywhere of a fun nature in weeks. Partly cuz I'm way over budget this month (post-vacation credit card to be paid), but also cuz I have no one to go places with.

Waa waa I sound like a baby.

I've decided to go see Wall Street II this weekend, even if means going alone. And I am going to visit my mom and sister. I feel better about making these plans. But what's really bugging me is that I miss my best friend and that he ignored my last email. I don't really know what to do about that. It bothers me not knowing what he's thinking or feeling. I guess this is what breaking up feels like. Yeah, it sucks.

fun with bottle rockets

I would really like to blog about something other than sex, but really, I'm getting a steady flow of material that I just can't ignore.

So I have to ask, since when can guys in their late 40s cum twice in under 30 minutes? Make that 15 minutes...

I'm talking about my darling boyfriend, age 49. This is the guy who brought a supply of viagra with him the first weekend he visited me. Even on that first night I looked at those pills and said to him you don't need that. And it turns out I was right.

We've gone from successful sex to stimulating sex to intense sex over the last 9 months (in 3 visits). We haven't reached the point of sacred sex yet, but I have no doubt that it's on its way.

In the meantime, we skype our way through sex. It's not ideal, but it keeps us sexually connected. This usually involves me teasing him with words, sights and sounds until he eventually blows. Well, last night he blew. I continued to taunt him with a certain strategic pose. He warned me he was gonna 'go again'. I thought I gotta see this.

And then I swear it was less than 10 minutes and he lost it again. I wouldn't have believed it had I not seen it with my own eyes. And I'm not sure who was more tickled about this newly discovered phenomenon, me or him!

full moon

It's a day of heavy hearts, buzzing brains, full moon, first day of fall. Parting ways with someone who has carried me through the last 4 years of my life. Saying goodbye to hours of caresses from fingers that never tired running through my hair. Another farewell to summer, which brought me many gifts. Solemn day amidst a future filled with hope.

i've met my match

Finally I've got a guy who can keep up with me in the filth department. Andy sent me this pic yesterday. I love him. Needless to say it's been almost 3 weeks without sex. I don't really mind what it's doing to my brain and my body. I rather like the extra tension, kinda makes me feel powerful. Is this how horny teenage boys feel?

one dirty girl

Skyping with Andy the other night we were both in the mood for love. It had been a chilly day, so I decided to take a hot bath, and bring him along. He didn't complain.

While I ran the water I proceeded to set my laptop on top of the toilet and adjust the view, both his and mine. I couldn't hear a word he was saying over the sound of the rushing water, but his smile came through loud and clear.

It was a natural opportunity to drive him crazy, which I love to do, so I glided the soap over myself and watched him look back at me like a kid in a candy store. He was quiet and attending to his own hot body, but he didn't miss a move.

I asked if he wanted to watch me shave my 'bikini line'. Rubbing the shaving cream all over the parts of my body he was hoping to devour was pretty erotic. Even I could see that in the little image of me in the corner of the Skype screen. His jaw dropped and his cock was raging hard. What fun!

I continued to taunt him after the shave job was done, with extra shaving cream in bonus places. In return he gave me some close up views of his precious merchandise, thereby putting his own laptop at risk in the final moments.

As much as I enjoyed the entire experience, I wondered if I was putting myself at risk at all. I know that Andy watches porn online and uses suggestive pictures of me to get off when I am not around. I'm fine with that. I just hoped I could trust him to not take screen shots (or more) without me knowing. If stuff as explicit as what we did in my tub that night got out there, I would be horrified!

on second thought...

I get the heeby jeebies looking at the pic on the last post. That lint roller almost looks like a weapon.

solo mojo

I've been sans sex partner for a week now. I'm talking about Rob--'around the corner, down the street hot lover for the last 4 years' Rob. We broke it off last weekend because my relationship with Andy trumped my desire for intimacy with Rob. And I've been flying solo ever since.

While I do flirt constantly with Andy via the internet, my body is revirginating by the minute. With a history of sex on demand from Rob, I forgot how to pleasure myself. It was so much easier to put myself in his expert hands and mouth. But it was time for a change.

I am noticing some interesting changes as a result of this sex fast. Like yesterday I was walking my pooch through the woods and I suddenly recalled the moment of Andy's climax when he arched his back with one final thrust and the heavens opened. I shuddered as I stood in the middle of the woods, all flushed, and I walked home a little juicy.

After that point it was one sexy thought after another. I can't watch Andy eat a peach without imagining he is eating me--of course he plays this up to the hilt. And I eat prune plums like they were his balls. Nasty, sweet things.

I like the feeling of having my sexual volume turned way up. I think it inspires me towards new ideas, thoughts and plans. Maintaining a certain amount of tension is good for one's sense of direction. Unless, of course, you have nothing in the house shaped like a penis. No worries, I found something, closed the door and took care of business.

If I could just bottle this mojo, I would have plenty of energy to get my housework done, reseed the lawn, and sign up for an online course all in one day. I feel like superwoman! Then, when my man pings me on facebook asking if he can see me naked, right now, I'm all too happy to jump out of my clothes and onto skype. After all it's his turn to unload, and I love playing accomplice.

ah! bowakowa

Just as I pulled in the driveway to pick my daughter up from her friend's house a few weeks ago this tune came on the car radio. She hopped into the car. I strained to hear the song through my chatty daughter's words, pretending politely to listen to her when I really, really wanted to get lost in this song. I hadn't heard it in years.

I told Andy about this when I was at his house. Two days later when I was in his kitchen washing up some dishes, I heard it start playing over the speakers in his livingroom. He took my hand and led me into the livingroom, pulled me close and slowdanced with me.

Christie and her laptop appendage were chillin on the couch behind us. I turned my head away from her, and from Andy, resting it on his shoulder, so they wouldn't see the tears streaming down my face. It was a combination of his thoughtfulness, the dreaded thought of this dreamlike state ending in a few days, and the ethereal quality of this song, that sent me over the edge.

a la paradise

On our first night, Andy and I bought some incredibly cheap wine. Well, really it was great wine--Woodbridge Cabernet--but so cheap in California compared to back East.

I'd just taken a shower since I'd opted to skip one at 4:45 in the morning, having to leave for the airport at that God forsaken hour. So, all fresh and clean and comfy in my pj bottoms and tank top, I cracked open the bottle of red and poured it into one of his drinking glasses with a cow on it (nope, not a wine glass to be seen in that bachelor pad). What the hell, I was on vacation, therefore nothing was worth sweating over.

We sat on the bench out front of his building and I marvelled at the tall palms above us, and the crop of bamboo growing behind us. Whaaa? Bamboo? I was anxiously awaiting pandas to come for a feeding. No pandas, just Andy, and he's just as squeezable. I love California! I loved that wine!

We drank. We flirted. We exchanged adoring looks till it got dark. Hey, let's go for a walk he said. He took my hand and we walked up a block to Santa Monica Blvd. Around the corner and he led me into a world I'd never seen before. The city was alive.

It was a beautiful balmy night, but just chilly enough to make me aware of my nipples. Hell, I was practically naked. No undies, just one thin layer between my goosebumps and the night air. It felt sweet, like newfound freedom. Walking in pyjamas is not the strangest thing one would see on Santa Monica Blvd. No one gave me a second look. Except Andy, of course.

Most interesting were the displays in store windows; mannequins made of cork, and chains, a few gay sex shops, but tasteful, and amazing furniture stores. Mouth-watering smells wafted out of sidewalk cafes, blaring horns sounded like symphonies and couples in love paused at corners, kissing.

We were one of them. What a perfect opening night. We went home and Andy and I made love in his bed for the first time.

jumping, falling, catching

I look back on the trip to LA and feel like part of me is still there. As I posted earlier, I didn't quite know what would transpire between Andy and me this time. But something sure did, in a big way. Our relationship has definitely reached new ground.

Sure, the vacation endorphins had kicked in, the location was romantic, plus I was ovulating, so I was in an overall heightened state. But it was more about Andy. It was as if he took this opportunity to lay it all on the table. No more pussy footin' around, being politely patient and taking time to get to know each other.

Andy was more open and expressive than ever before. I found he would look into my eyes and tell me how much he loved me, and say stuff about our future together. He was as attentive to me in public as he was when we were alone. He wondered out loud what our baby's nose would look like, then I had to remind him that we could only dream about that, and we wouldn't be making one.

On the 2nd night we shared a glass of wine on the bench out front of his building. The sun had set and it was cool, so I sat close with his arm around me. He took my hand in his, looked me in the eyes and said If you jump, I will catch you.

He said so many other things that showed he truly believes in us. He dreams big, and when I join in, our dreams become very powerful. I feel there's nothing we can't do or have. I am so caught in the wave of hope and happiness that I can think of nothing else.

Ever since I came home I have had such clarity of thought. I feel what it would be like to live with Andy (and Christie) in LA. I want it very much. I see a whole plan ahead of me and I can break down into a million steps all the things I need to do to get there. Work feels less important and I no longer feel as stressed about my job or boss. I feel like I will be gone from there soon.

Also, since being back I have seen Rob a couple times, only to fill him in on the seriousness of my relationship with Andy. Much to his disappointment, I cannot be intimate with him anymore. I feel like I am in a committed relationship. And I like how that feels. I feel no guilt, I feel no sadness. This feels right.

It`s important to me now to stay on track, and to focus on the goal. Seeing Rob would distract me and I don`t want anything to interrupt this wonderful momentum. I have to believe as strongly as Andy does that this is ours. Because I want to be brave enough to jump.