nutcase

Sometimes I wonder if I'm bi-polar. There are times when I feel like the world is mine to conquer and I say bring it on, baby! Then there are times when I find myself cornered in a situation that makes me feel incompetent or inadequate, and I doubt everything about myself. I hear my own voice in my head arguing with me, criticizing everything I do and say. I hate that.

These changes usually happen slowly and last days, not minutes. I waft in and out of both scenarios trying to analyze what triggers it. Is it my cycle? Circumstances in my life? Stress? Illness? Or are my brain chemicals just fucked up?

The last time a dark mood swept down on me was during Andy's visit. We were on our trip to the little inn. Actually we'd left the inn and headed into Toronto to meet up with my photographer friend and his girlfriend for dinner. I'd been laughing my ass off all day and was quite adventurous with Andy. Hell, I'd even sat in the middle of a country road to pose for another photo in Andy's Dinamo series.

But later that evening when the 4 of us were catching up over awesome wine and food in the coolest of all restaurants, I felt myself sinking. I saw myself as an outcast as the 3 of them had animated conversation about films I'd never seen, bands I'd never heard of, and all the interesting things they were doing...and I wasn't.

I'm not sure anyone noticed the giant L on my forehead, but it felt like I'd be better off waiting in the car out in the parking lot. To be polite I faked it as best I could, but also felt angry at myself for letting this insecurity infringe on precious time with my boyfriend and friends. WTF??!!

I was relieved to finally leave, but then felt awkward on the long drive back home. Andy could tell I was unusually quiet and asked me what was wrong. I didn't know how to answer at first. I finally said something about not feeling good about myself these days. He was totally supportive and sweet. Although he didn't fix my insecurities (and I wouldn't expect him to), I felt comforted in his concern and receptiveness to me. It felt good to get it out.

The mood lasted a couple more days, and I didn't feel great physically, so it could have been an off-shoot of a virus or something. But I made the best of it with Andy, and it didn't slow down our intimacy in any way ;) . But at the same time I dread its return. I want to feel like the world is mine all the time. I need to feel that way, especially when Andy's not here by my side. Having his support now makes me realize how nice it's gonna be to finally have a permanent partner.