love soup

The love-a-thon burgeoned out of control the other night. I'm still spinning, wondering WTF happened??

Andy and I had made a phone date. We decided we'd each have a bottle of red wine on hand to make it feel more like a real date. So I called him (my turn this time) and we each proceeded to tell about our day. It always starts that way, then he'll randomly say something like did anyone tell you how beautiful you are today? and I proceed to melt.

Then I sigh and he melts and just adds more unbelievably romantic words to the love soup. Sometimes it gets sexual, sometimes not. It happened to go all the way that night. We were having fun and getting along just fine when I looked over at the clock and realized we'd been talking for over 2 hours and it was past my bedtime--waaaay!

Usually that wouldn't be a huge concern, except that the next morning I had to host a big event at work. I was entertaining a group of VIPs for 2 days, and everyone would be looking to me to run the show. gasp.

We said our goodbyes and I tried to go to sleep. My mind and my heart were reeling. I couldn't stop thinking about the way he spoke to me. It was as if we were seasoned lovers, a real couple. It was powerful stuff and left me with such strong feelings for him. I lay in my bed, tossed it around in my head, and the hours passed.

The more hours that passed, the more panicked I felt about not sleeping. I just couldn't get comfortable and I couldn't relax. It worsened the closer the morning came. Finally I slept from 5-6am. But my mind started racing as soon as I awoke again, so I gave it up. I figured the best I could do was get ready for work, pop a Tylenol and a cup of strong tea and face the music.

I felt loads better, though not perfect. I managed to get through that day's events without a hiccup - THANK YOU GOD!! I slept like a sweet dream that night and the next day I was brilliant. Man was I lucky. Not sure I'll play that late night love game again anytime soon, especially when the stakes are so high.

love-a-thon

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeet! What a rockin' weekend. I don't know if it's cuz I'm ovulating or what, but I'm just exuding love.

It started on Friday night. I went over to Rob's to watch a movie. He proceeded to hand me 3 lavender roses signifying our 3-yr anniversary, plus a giant bottle of our favorite whiskey, plus a card with handwritten sentiment! I felt a bit dorkish not having made a big deal of our 3 years together. It just didn't seem appropriate under the circumstances. Anyway, I was very touched by his efforts and I thanked him profusely.

We ended up in our usual movie-watching position--my head on his lap. He strokes my hair endlessly and I fight to stay awake and feel totally pampered. I invited him to spend the night at my place. And he did. We had awesome sex and slept like a couple of cozy pretzels all night. We'd practically melded by morning, and neither of us was in a hurry to leave the bed.

Later Saturday I ran into Andy online and we chatted awhile and flirted. I was left wanting more and had lots more to give to him, but he had to go do some research for an upcoming project. Saturday night Rob came over again. I lit candles and opened the whiskey bottle. We sat on my couch for 2 hours and talked. About deep stuff, just like I like it. I need it. It certainly set the stage for an emotional night.

We went up to bed and proceeded to have some pretty mind-blowing sex. We saw sides of each other we hadn't seen in about half a year. It was hot and sweet and lusty and deep. More overnight pretzeling and morning lingering. It was all good.

Then yesterday afternoon I was cooking alone in my kitchen and Andy called me. His timing was perfect. I'd just put my beef stew in the oven and had about half a glass of yummy cab sauv in me. We talked for an hour I'd say. I was feeling really outgoing and loving. I freely told him how I felt about him and he was equally expressive. Heavenly!

At one point when we were discussing our plans for seeing each other I said that I thought I should go out to see him in the spring, to see if I like it there. He was agreeable. Then I asked him if he thought I should look for a job while I'm out there. It was quiet for a few seconds, then he said he was tearing up. I was touched that I had touched him. Whoa, I felt like a million bucks. Even though I can't touch him or make love to him, he feels me and I feel him. It's a beautiful relationship. Young and sweet.

Do you believe you can be in love with more than one person at a time? I do. I have done it before and I am doing it again. It's so fulfilling and feels so good. If everyone's feeling loved, how can it be wrong? It can't!

out of the closet and into the office

See?! This is one of the reasons I know that I am crazy about him! I was feeling particularly ballsy and still kind of floaty after a conversation with my belusted man Andy. So I decided to make a statement by using one of my favorite pictures of him as my screen saver at work.

I knew it wouldn't go unnoticed and there'd be some 'splainin to do. Especially cuz the entire office of 8 women I work with, plus the other 4 in the office next door, all know I have been going out with Rob for some time.

Well, it only took about an hour before I piqued the curiosity of these gossip hungry women. So there I stood, in the middle of the office trying to contain my excitement while explaining who this fabulous man with very sexy lips was on my screen.

You have to realize that this is out of character for me. I am seen as a fairly conservative, hardworking person at work. The girls in the office are mostly a whole decade younger than I am, and they thrive on smalltalk and gossip. I don't talk a lot about my personal life, except for my daughters. Plus, I have never had a photo of any man at my desk, just my 2 daughters'.

The fact that I want people to know that Andy is in my life kind of blows me away.

monkey toes

Sorry to be explicit, but I have to tell you the whole story in order to illustrate my little amusement.

Last night Rob was going down on me--something he is very good at and we enjoy regularly. I always get lost in some type of fantasy as I am approaching the big moment. So when it finally happens I am usually far from reality...which is fine, and fun!

Every once in a while, just as the orgasm subsides, I start laughing and I don't know why. Well, this happened last night. Except I know why I laughed last night. I realized as I started coming back to reality that all 10 of my toes were tightly gripping Rob's ass!

stressed

Got a shitty feeling lately. Worrying about money. Every bill that comes in is more than what I expected. WTF?? Feeling like there's not enough time. I'm spending too much time working and driving to & from work. Then coming home and cooking, cleaning, walking the dog, helping with homework. I'm friggin exhausted! Frustrated at not being able to get to the next level in life. When does it get easier?

OK, enough of the negative. Don't want to write too much about it for fear of attracting more. Just needed to unload it on y'all. Thanks!

~DinamoVents

rob update

I keep trying to write about Rob, but I just can't get anything going. I start, and I erase. Try another angle, erase again.

How Rob is faring in all this is an important aspect of my life right now and I should be able to write about it. Maybe because this part doesn't feel so good--that's why I can't get it going? I have some guilt, some sadness, some worry. Those not-so-good feelings in sharp contrast to those I'm feeling about Andy. I much prefer inspiration.

I'm trying to be as honest with Rob as I can without crushing him. His friendship is important to me, as are his feelings. I feel a little protective of him. After all I was the one who led him into a world where it was safe for him to find and express love again. We've been through some wonderful experiences together. He has given so much of himself to me, and helped me through many personal crises. A dear friend and lover for sure.

We've been having talks about how our relationship went awry. I explained my disappointment in realizing that I'm never going to have the kind of future with him that I dreamed of. And how that disappointment led me to find new experiences.

He knows how Andy came into my life and isn't happy about it. Now he's trying to hang onto me. He goes back and forth between being angry at himself for not being more responsive to "my dream", to being frustrated with me for giving up on him once again, to being grateful for having any time with me that he can.

I don't want to make any life changing moves here. I don't want to say goodbye to Rob (ever). Things with Andy are certainly exciting and promising, but it is so early yet.

falling for Andy

How is it that someone who hardly knows me can know my heart so well? Did I attract the perfect match? Is the romantic pop artist just using his talents on me? Was I the object of his art all along? Or is it that he and I both have the same beautiful dream and desire to express it?

How is it that he says all the things I've longed to hear from a man my whole life? No one has ever spoken to me this way. No one has ever exposed himself or given himself to me in this way. With no fear, only hope. And all this practically right from the start. Or restart I should say.

Andy and I dated for a mere month 29 years ago, then completely lost touch until Facebook reunited us in about June. We saw each other in person on August 1st when he came back to our hometown for a visit. We spent about 8 hours together and it hasn't been the same since. Except we live on opposite sides of the country. We talk every couple days, email and Facebook chat almost daily. He excites me mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I love who he is and what he does and how he feels about me.

HE INSPIRES ME. He completely melts me and makes me feel like God's most beautiful creature. His words to me:

what's mine is yours

i'd like to wake up and see your face every day of my life

you are more than perfect

i am so excited about us

He called me at work this morning and the first thing he said was Good morning Darlin. Did anyone tell you how beautiful you are today? His voice smiles at me and I can picture his face and adoring eyes. I couldn't stop thinking of him the rest of the day. I was elated from the inside out, from head to toe. I drove home from work and felt so happy that when a sad song came on the radio, it just didn't make any sense.

This is all very strange coming so fast and hard. Admittedly I've been swept off my feet and I'm enjoying the ride, floating in Andy.

boy crazy

My youngest daughter started high school this week. The #1 response to all my questions to her about the first week of school is there's so many hot guys, Mom.

Then I get to hear her dilemma about who's cuter, Taylor or Tyler, and how she can't decide which one to go out with because she likes them both and doesn't want to hurt either one's feelings. (Oh, if she only knew that this struggle will present itself about a hundred more times!)

It all makes me cringe a little inside, but I try not to show my fear. I have to have faith in her. She is really excited about school nd this new chapter in her life. She wants to be good and make me proud. And I am truly grateful that she feels comfortable enough to talk to me about boys.

No need to be alarmed at her admiration for the other sex. She is a teenager now, and she is my daughter. As they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

a ping from the past

Well, I was using my old gmail account tonight to transfer some large files, when lo and behold I heard an old, famliar sound....PING!

It was Cam. I didn't know he even used his gmail account anymore. Its chat feature had been the private rendezvous spot where we chatted for hours on end through our workdays as we sat in offices 3,000 miles apart. This went on for months.

When he turned down my final offer last September and rode off into the virtual sunset, I never expected to hear from him again. And I hadn't till now.

First there was a hi. Hi I wrote back. Then the usual rally of how are you's and how are the kids. Finally he wrote relationship? to which I wrote in transition. My one word replies must have done the trick because soon he wrote is this making you uncomfortable? Slightly I replied. He returned to his work and so did I.

Glad it was over, I was unfortunately left with a tinge of anger.

breaking up

I had my talk with Rob tonight. My hand got very sweaty as I held his and told him how I felt that life was leading me away from him; that I need to follow my dream, I need some things to change in my life because not only do I feel stagnant, I feel like I am missing out on opportunities.

Areas of my life just don't seem to be moving forward, like social (living in such small town), relationship (I want someone to be head over heels in love with me and not have to question the practicality of every life decision), financially (I no longer get child support since my ex lost his job), and career (I am underpaid plus I need growth, also hard to find in the region where I live and work).

He was quiet at first and only occasionally looked up at me. I saw his blue eyes turning red. We talked for the next 2 hours, he asking me if this was negotiable (i.e. is my decision based on a misunderstanding of something he said?) or had I made up my mind. And of course he asked if there was someone else I was interested in. I admitted that my friendship with Andy has grown into something more. Then the rest of the night Rob concentrated on that factor, and only that factor.

Rob never gets angry, loud or unreasonable. He is the most even-keeled person I know (that's exactly why he doesn't show great enthusiasm for just about anything). So there was no yelling or accusations, only questions and attempts to understand each other. We began our time together as friends, and that has run constant through our 3 years together. There is always an underlying respect.

I left him lying in his bed knowing he would be crying soon after I left. Not a good feeling. But I did feel that the truth has been spoken with love and the greatest care. And we will be talking again tomorrow, to try to determine what kind of relationship we will have from this point on.

steppin out

As I sit here soaking my feet for a pedicure, I realized they have a lot to look forward to. If I spend my life with Andy, my feet will get lots of attention. He has a thing for my feet. He even asked to kiss them on the first night we were together. Theoretically my feet will get out more, out of restricting socks and shoes, and into the California sunshine. They like the sound of that! And a big plus....because Andy is taller than me, I can finally wear high heels again!!!

surprise phone sex

Well, well, well. I have a little confession to make. I, Dinamo, succumbed to phone sex last night. August has been a most pleasant month and has ended with a bang! And it was not with Rob, my boyfriend of almost 3 years. We have sex anytime we want cuz he only lives down the street. It was with Andy, my new interest who lives on the west coast.

I really don't know how it happened (yes, everyone says that in the guilt stage). Well, I guess it didn't help that Andy & I were having a fun online chat that turned flirtatious. Before you know it he called me. It was after 11pm and I should have been asleep already, but I had an entertaining diversion.

I was greeted by his voice which was extra low and raspy from days of breathing smoke from the wildfires burning out there. He sounded great and I was sleepy. He just started talking about how he wished he could lie down next to me and touch me. When I closed my eyes, I felt him here with me.

It was all very smooth and easy at first. Then he pulled out the big guns, so to speak. He must have been extremely pent up sexually, cuz he went straight for the dirty. I don't have a problem with dirty, but when I'm just getting to know someone, I like to go very slow and savor every moment of discovery. Heck, you can only do that once!

Although it was a touch racy for me, I went with it for the sake of his pleasure. It was fast and hot and a bit mind-blowing. I didn't get off, nor did I intend to. I suppose it was a sympathy session. But when we finally hung up, I thought what the hell happened??!!?

The fact that I let the late night incident occur means I have some straightening out to do with my current relationship. It is time to tell Rob that need to I follow my dream. It won't be easy, but I need to feel right about what I'm doing and be honest about what I want. It's just not happening longterm with him.