buy me, buy me!

I listed my house this week--holy shit! It won't be long now. I hope to sell it fast and $. It's the last big to-do on my list. And then we're outta here!

Wish me luck.

Rob and I

I've been getting together with Rob about every other weekend for the past couple months. Two weeks seems to be the amount of time it takes to start missing each other's company, or needing a drinking buddy. I suppose I should only speak for myself. Maybe he thinks about me constantly. I don't know and I don't want to know. Luckily each time we are together he respects the choice I've made (meaning Andy). Rob and I remain friends and we do love each other, and occasionally say so. I am clearly no longer in love with him and I am perfectly ok with that. Him? Not so sure. Usually we avoid any intense conversation about our break up, and what went wrong etc. But the last time we hung out he asked me how I feel about him now. I had to speak carefully, especially since I'd had 2 glasses of wine. Let's see, I said. I still feel like you know me better than anyone else does. At least a huge part of me. I like that. You've been with me through some of my most trying times--when I was still living with my ex during the separation, when I lost Cam (heartbroken), my tribulations with Maria, issues with the dog vs the neighbors... You've always been very healing, very comforting to me. I couldn't have survived those things without you. I went on... I really, really value your opinion. I think you're very wise and I trust you implicitly. I've grown during our time together. I've become more independent. I can't forget about the spiritual path we explored together. It was a major part of my life and happiness--we found new dimensions together, and joy. And the sex!! The sex was really great. I'm not sure I'll ever experience it quite like that again. And then he asked me 'and so do you ever think about being with me?' And this is where I really had to choose my words. Because I've certainly thought about his penis and his abs and sculpted back and butt in vivid detail, but telling him that would not do either of us any good! So I said that while I found him attractive, I feel totally committed to Andy. And that feeling overpowers any other desire--I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize my bond with Andy. And as I heard myself saying those words, I am sure Rob died a small death inside. How he probably wished I had felt that way about him the day I went to meet Andy at the art gallery so long ago. But it just wasn't the case. It's not that Rob did anything wrong to lose my love. It's just that I wanted something different. Or, more specifically, something more. Andy inspired me. He brought me huge opportunity to grow, to have new experiences in areas I craved. He was not at all jaded about love and he put himself out there from the very first day. I needed that. It was so right for me. It was just time for it all to happen. Not so great for Rob, of course. But I have not abandoned him. We are soulmates and I hope to always be in contact with him. I dread the final hug goodbye, but that day is coming eventually. I have entered a new chapter, and he will too. I just hope he finds love again soon because I really do care about his happiness and well-being.

wedding dream...almost a nightmare

I had a very vivid dream about a wedding. It was mine, but unfortunately to the wrong guy. Started with a short scene in which my ex Jeff and I were together again--he was trying to make the moves on me--and I was feeling very reluctant and uncomfortable. I cringed at his touch or the thought of touching him.

Next scene I am in my wedding dress (yes, the original one from 1988), surrounded by the females in my family. They are putting the final touches on me as I am about to walk down the aisle to marry Jeff again. (In real life, our divorce has been final only one month.) This dream finds me in a state of mental turmoil. Something just isn't right. DUH!

I walk out of the dressing room to enter the area where all our guests are taking their seats preparing for the ceremony to begin. Where is my mother??! I am looking frantically for her. I happen to run into my sister. She confessed that Mom had gone to get favors for the tables because they looked so empty and non-festive. You see, no one had planned this wedding with love. It was a wedding of convenience, thrown together in a hurry.

Since I couldn't find Mom, I told my sister. I just had to tell someone! I said I can't do this. Jeff only wants to marry me so that it looks good on him. He wants to go into politics, you know. And I'm thinking all the while, Oh God, Mom's spending all of her own money on party favors for this wedding that's not going to happen. (You see, I'm practical even in my dreams.)

Fast forward...I am standing at the altar and my former husband/'husband-to-be' takes his place beside me. We are about to be married. The pressure is mounting. He is dressed in an old-fashioned British red coat uniform for some unknown reason, but I do notice that the tight white pants look good on him. (Ewww!)

At the last second I can bear it no more. I walk over to face the crowd of our families and friends. I tell them that I can't in good faith go ahead with this marriage. That the only reason Jeff wants to marry me (again) is so that he can present a good image for when he runs for office. I explained that I couldn't overlook that fact just for his benefit, and that marriage was too sacred a bond to mess with.

Deep down I knew that I must follow my heart, and that my heart was definitely elsewhere. It made me happy that I was true to myself even in my dreams. I just wish I could have added on my own end to the dream. One where Andy shows up and asks me to marry him in front of the whole crowd. Then everyone cheers because they recognize true love when they see it.

calm

"I told someone about you today."

"Really, and how did that make you feel?"

"Good. They asked me what was different about you."

"And what did you say?"

"I said that you were not a job like everyone else was. That everything was easy with you. And that when I'm with you I feel... well,... calm."

my man misses me too

Andy sent me this today. It's a lazy, rainy day in LA. Such days are made for staying in bed with the one you love.

the steven i remember

You can't blame Steven Tyler for bailing himself out of a few messy years and cashing in where he can. Kudos for scoring the gig on Idol season 10 and introducing millions of teenyboppers to a real idol. However, do they even know the man behind the spectacles? Forget everything from Dude Looks Like a Lady and onward. As a child of real rock 'n roll, I long for the days where Steven rocked out with his cock out. Go baby, what an awesome version of Last Child.

my love potential

I have identified my state of unrest. With Andy living in the Southwest, me in the Northeast, and facing 4 months between visits, I have had to curb my enthusiasm. I find my feelings can completely run wild if left to their own volition, and this distance makes that a very dangerous game.

I just can't go to those depths unless I can sustain the love and have it whenever I need it. When I am with Andy for days, I drop my guard and let him in completely. I let him love me and I become exposed and vulnerable. Living here on my own, I can't afford to be vulnerable. I have to be strong and independent, get my shit together, and rearrange my life down to every last detail in order to move across the US to be with him.

It's been pretty challenging lately as I feel the relationship is a little off balance. And I didn't realize why till tonight. Andy is somehow able to be consistently sweet and open and excited to share everything with me. While I am spending a lot of time Skyping with him, loving him and sexing with him, still I feel reserved.

For instance, the other day I found out some great news I'd been sweating over for a long time. My ex has agreed to let my daughter move to California with me. So, when I heard the news of course I was thrilled. But instead of calling Andy (who's also been sweating the news) right away, I went about making dinner and stuff, knowing I'd be Skyping with him soon. When we did Skype, I told him I had good news, and I was happy to tell him.

He was pretty wowed, and then casually asked why I didn't call him when I found out. I brushed it off saying I knew I'd be Skyping with him that night. But later I realized that my choice to wait, as opposed to bubbling over in the excitement of the moment, denied him a chance to get into my heart, and me into his. I feel kind of bad about it now. Like it was a lost opportunity.

But the more I think about it, I see that I am just protecting myself. I can't experience the intensity of my love for Andy and then not be able to experience it. In order to go there, I need to know I'm in...all the way in. And the closer it gets to the time we will finally live together, the harder it is to be without it.

I am really missing my man. I need to curl up with him, touch him, sleep with him, have real sex, love him every day in every way.

freedom for Dad

Christie and I visited my dad one day last week. He's living on his own now since his brother (and roommate for some 40+ years) recently died. My uncle had lived well into his 80s, so it wasn't a tragic death. His heart just gave up after a long illness. But neverthess Dad is now on his own.

Without my uncle to rule the roost, as he surely did, my dad has a new freedom. Sure, he misses having my uncle to talk to, but he's calling me more now which is allowing me to get to know him better. And he's been going out every day, which is something he pretty much avoided due to a lifelong battle with anxiety/depression.

If you recall, Dad spent the better part of 2009 in the hospital after having fallen at home. His arthritis has crippled him where he can barely walk on his own anymore. Other complications prevented him from being discharged for the longest time. Besides, he was not able to get around, and my uncle was too frail to be of much help at home. So, until my dad could build up his strength, he was kept in the hospital.

All that time without my uncle telling him what to do, and what to think, my dad seemed to open up in many ways. He seemed genuinely happy at the last hospital he was at. He had a private room overlooking the city skyline. It was clean, quiet and he had dressed it up with a lot of his own things that visitors brought from his home.

The nurses just adored Dad and hung his photos (photography's his hobby) all over the ward. It made my dad so proud which is a huge deal for a man who never felt good about himself. The nurses would tell me what a sweet man he is, and it really touched me. For the first time I felt honored that he was my father. Sounds awful that that was the first time, but this is a man I never quite got to know as he was always so drugged up with meds. I grew up knowing that he was my father, but never felt a bond with him.

Things between my dad and me have been very superficial for my whole life. He has not been much of an influence, but maybe we'll get a short chance to have some kind of relationship now. He's getting older and more importantly, doesn't take very good care of himself. Plus, I am moving to California in a few months. So, if it doesn't happen now, it probably never will.

It's too late for me to tell him how to eat, remind him to exercise, all that's pointless. He drinks his Diet Coke by the gallon, eats no vegetables, and depends on meds to make him comfortable in every way possible. His approach towards health is very different from mine. But at least I can visit him and bring some happiness to his day. And I can clean his place. OMG pigsty. They were hoarders their whole lives, so there is barely room to sit when I do go there. Well, that's another story.

We had a nice visit with Dad. After scrubbing his kitchen and bathroom, he took us out to eat. My favorite part was seeing him happy, seeing him talk to the waitress, and enjoying his 4 cups of coffee and 3 egg omelet with cheese (roll eyes here). Things were going so swimmingly on this outing, that I decided it was time to tell him about the move.

"Dad, Christie and I have some exciting news... We're planning a move."

Dad smiles big. "You're moving back here?"

"No Dad, a big move."

"To California?"

Now I smile big..."Yeah."

He launches into a 5 minute story about the purchase of his zoom lens, where he bought it 5 years ago, how much it cost, etc etc. All the while I'm thinking how strange this is, but it's not. Not strange at all considering this is my dad.

Another 10 minutes go by. Dad pipes in, "Well I'm disappointed about your exciting news. But I hope you find all that you're looking for there."

"Thanks, Dad." And really all I can do is reassure him that we'll be back home to visit a couple times a year.

"And there's always the telephone," he adds.

"Of course."

atonement

I just fucking love this movie. A lot of people I know (especially those who I've made watch it with me) are angry at the end, let down by the atypical happy ending. But there is quite a gift at the end if you choose to accept it. And all the while, it's just a fabulous movie to watch--great direction, great score, great acting, a beautiful and heart wrenching love story. Yeah, it's painful, but it makes me feeeeel.

And James McAvoy is a real cutie. Who couldn't love that face? My favorite line:

I will return, find you, love you, marry you and live without shame.

hot shopping date

I would love to go on a shopping spree with Andy. Let's imagine money's no object and Andy's going to dress me as he likes. I wonder what I'd end up looking like...

How fun it would be for him to lead me into his favorite stores (one of the few guys I know who's into fashion) and see what he'd choose for me. I've seen evidence of his taste in many genres--sexy, trashy, formal, business, casual, 50s, 80s, naked, the list goes on. One thing I'm sure of is that it would be very eclectic. If we went to Alexander McQueen, I'd probably come out with something like this:


Of course I'd need the proper shoes to adorn my perfect feet...

Andy wouldn't stop spoiling me there. He'd make sure I had one of these to carry my lipstick.

I love that man.