my love potential

I have identified my state of unrest. With Andy living in the Southwest, me in the Northeast, and facing 4 months between visits, I have had to curb my enthusiasm. I find my feelings can completely run wild if left to their own volition, and this distance makes that a very dangerous game.

I just can't go to those depths unless I can sustain the love and have it whenever I need it. When I am with Andy for days, I drop my guard and let him in completely. I let him love me and I become exposed and vulnerable. Living here on my own, I can't afford to be vulnerable. I have to be strong and independent, get my shit together, and rearrange my life down to every last detail in order to move across the US to be with him.

It's been pretty challenging lately as I feel the relationship is a little off balance. And I didn't realize why till tonight. Andy is somehow able to be consistently sweet and open and excited to share everything with me. While I am spending a lot of time Skyping with him, loving him and sexing with him, still I feel reserved.

For instance, the other day I found out some great news I'd been sweating over for a long time. My ex has agreed to let my daughter move to California with me. So, when I heard the news of course I was thrilled. But instead of calling Andy (who's also been sweating the news) right away, I went about making dinner and stuff, knowing I'd be Skyping with him soon. When we did Skype, I told him I had good news, and I was happy to tell him.

He was pretty wowed, and then casually asked why I didn't call him when I found out. I brushed it off saying I knew I'd be Skyping with him that night. But later I realized that my choice to wait, as opposed to bubbling over in the excitement of the moment, denied him a chance to get into my heart, and me into his. I feel kind of bad about it now. Like it was a lost opportunity.

But the more I think about it, I see that I am just protecting myself. I can't experience the intensity of my love for Andy and then not be able to experience it. In order to go there, I need to know I'm in...all the way in. And the closer it gets to the time we will finally live together, the harder it is to be without it.

I am really missing my man. I need to curl up with him, touch him, sleep with him, have real sex, love him every day in every way.