Rob and I

I've been getting together with Rob about every other weekend for the past couple months. Two weeks seems to be the amount of time it takes to start missing each other's company, or needing a drinking buddy. I suppose I should only speak for myself. Maybe he thinks about me constantly. I don't know and I don't want to know. Luckily each time we are together he respects the choice I've made (meaning Andy). Rob and I remain friends and we do love each other, and occasionally say so. I am clearly no longer in love with him and I am perfectly ok with that. Him? Not so sure. Usually we avoid any intense conversation about our break up, and what went wrong etc. But the last time we hung out he asked me how I feel about him now. I had to speak carefully, especially since I'd had 2 glasses of wine. Let's see, I said. I still feel like you know me better than anyone else does. At least a huge part of me. I like that. You've been with me through some of my most trying times--when I was still living with my ex during the separation, when I lost Cam (heartbroken), my tribulations with Maria, issues with the dog vs the neighbors... You've always been very healing, very comforting to me. I couldn't have survived those things without you. I went on... I really, really value your opinion. I think you're very wise and I trust you implicitly. I've grown during our time together. I've become more independent. I can't forget about the spiritual path we explored together. It was a major part of my life and happiness--we found new dimensions together, and joy. And the sex!! The sex was really great. I'm not sure I'll ever experience it quite like that again. And then he asked me 'and so do you ever think about being with me?' And this is where I really had to choose my words. Because I've certainly thought about his penis and his abs and sculpted back and butt in vivid detail, but telling him that would not do either of us any good! So I said that while I found him attractive, I feel totally committed to Andy. And that feeling overpowers any other desire--I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize my bond with Andy. And as I heard myself saying those words, I am sure Rob died a small death inside. How he probably wished I had felt that way about him the day I went to meet Andy at the art gallery so long ago. But it just wasn't the case. It's not that Rob did anything wrong to lose my love. It's just that I wanted something different. Or, more specifically, something more. Andy inspired me. He brought me huge opportunity to grow, to have new experiences in areas I craved. He was not at all jaded about love and he put himself out there from the very first day. I needed that. It was so right for me. It was just time for it all to happen. Not so great for Rob, of course. But I have not abandoned him. We are soulmates and I hope to always be in contact with him. I dread the final hug goodbye, but that day is coming eventually. I have entered a new chapter, and he will too. I just hope he finds love again soon because I really do care about his happiness and well-being.

best friends

Rob and I hung out last night. We opened a bottle of wine, sat on my couch and talked. Time can sure fly when we do that sort of thing. It's good to talk to Rob. We cover lots of territory and I'm to the point where I can pretty much talk about anything with him, except detail on Andy, of course. But that's out of respect.

Rob asks some pretty provocative questions and gets me thinking. He is the inner voice of reason at all times. Which is good, if reason is what you're looking for. It's hard for him to understand that I might not always be looking for reason, or the other fine qualities he possesses. He still can't quite comprehend why I would have given up such a great love as ours (and chosen Andy).

If he could have witnessed Andy and me on that first day/night together, he would know. If he could have seen how I was moved by Andy's total abandon, his confession of love, and willingness to put his heart on the line once again with no guarantees. It was that, and Andy's brilliance with words, that won me over. I'd been looking for someone to inspire me towards a new level of growth, and Andy was the one. I admire so many things about him.

But those are things I can't tell Rob because they'd just be too damn painful to hear. He's better left wondering. Don't you think? So now Rob continues to ponder the what if's while I have completely accepted the fact that it wasn't ever quite right for a reason. Let's not think about fixing it.

I have moved on to life with Andy. I still have love for Rob, but not desire. I still crave time with him, more for the conversation of a good friend and because he knows me so well, is familiar with my history and is the perfect person to bounce ideas off of. His hugs are still great. And I choose not to think about his physical attributes for fear that I might remember them all too well.

Rob is starting to date again. He hasn't found anyone quite as wonderful as me yet (his words), but he's in a good place emotionally. He's not pining over me and we can still hang out and be friends without jeopardizing my new relationship. Best friends, in fact.

the Rob experiment

Rob and I finally got together again. It was sort of an experiment. We'd spent a month apart to force ourselves to see what life without each other would be like. This was part of the fallout from my trip to LA.

As the one month date approached I had suggested we go out for a drink, but he said he had wine at his house. So I agreed to go to his house, a little reluctantly. I had kind of hoped for neutral territory. Anyway, he knew that I wasn't intending to be intimate. That was important to me, and Icertainly didn't want him to have unrealistic expectations. We didn't actually know what we'd do other than have a drink and talk.

So I walked up to his front door and knocked. That felt strange. I'd let myself in every time before over the last 4 years. He opened the door and invited me in. A hug was in order, long overdue in fact. He felt short and small to me...I guess compared to Andy. But it felt good to have strong arms wrapped around me.

We sat on opposite ends of the couch and caught up on each other's happenings as we downed a glass of wine. I could feel it after only half a glass. But it was good. I had stuff to share and booze always helps.

Much to my relief, I didn't feel at all attracted to Rob while we were talking and drinking. I didn't want that challenge. I wanted to know that Andy was the one, and that I wouldn't have to struggle with my indecision anymore.

I told Rob that I'd really missed having him to talk to, to hang out with. Apparently he's had an even harder time than me. In more than one way. He got a couple erections just while we talked. That felt a little awkward. We talked about getting divorces from our exes, my plans to move, some work issues, kids, and the biggest one...where do we go from here...

But after only one drink and 1 1/2 hours, I left. It was only 8:00. I went home and I felt just fine about it. To stay any longer would not have been productive. I would have started feeling sorry for him, and then bad about hurting him. This visit was short and sweet and to the point.

Rob and I will get together again. If we want to stay in touch we have to recreate our relationship in a way that works for both of us. I have to admit, it's not as fun being with him as it used to be. We have to figure out how to fill the time we used to spend in bed. And those were some pretty stimulating hours. A tough act to follow to say the least!

But I value our bond and the path we walked together--it was a big one--and I want to honor it. We've changed each other's lives for the better. I love him at a soul level and that will not change. I only hope that he can find peace in our transformation.

love not to be measured

I love you more than I've ever loved anybody.

Andy said that to me tonight. Awesome words to hear. I immediately felt like I should say something equally as awesome. All I could muster up was Our love is so great, so fun, and I am so excited about us and where we're going. This the truth. And I'm all about truth.

Because really, when I thought of who I've loved more than anybody, Cam was the first to come to mind, then Rob. Tinges of guilt kind of poked at me, but were soon lost in the distraction of the conversation that continued.

Later I reflected a little bit on what had happened in that awkward moment. And it's important to note that Andy never gave me any reason to feel guilty about what I said, or more accurately, what I didn't say. I was the one who was mildly tormented by it.

It's not so big a deal the more I think about it. All love is different and can't always be measured apples to apples. Sure, I fell deepest for Cam. I knew he was my soulmate since age 16, and he was my savior in many ways. But a few years ago, when I laid all my cards on the table, he folded. He just couldn't give up his life in AZ to be with me. And so how do you rate a love like that? Am I sorry I went though that? Not for a minute!

My love with Rob was such a physical and spiritual celebration. We reached heights I never knew could exist. God spoke to me several times during intimate moments with Rob. That's powerful shit. But the relationship obviously had limits. I could never picture myself growing old with Rob. When he wanted more, I wasn't ready, and when I wanted more, he kept giving reasons why we should take it slow. And I couldn't ignore how I would keep seeking a different kind of guy, a stronger personality, a leader. But the sex was outta this world!! Sorry? Nope.

So who's to say what was the greatest love? They're all great, and necessary. How do you ever measure such a thing anyway? Each guy has his own great qualities or things he is amazing at. Maybe it's not even about the guy. Maybe it's who appears at the time you are ready. I wholeheartedly believe in the law of attraction and I have attracted some of the greatest loves.

full moon

It's a day of heavy hearts, buzzing brains, full moon, first day of fall. Parting ways with someone who has carried me through the last 4 years of my life. Saying goodbye to hours of caresses from fingers that never tired running through my hair. Another farewell to summer, which brought me many gifts. Solemn day amidst a future filled with hope.

1 year ago today...

...Andy and I met in our hometown. It was a perfect day. It was the beginning of something big. It was one of those life changing kind of days.

This past year has been charged with new energy, adventures and goals, but with that came emotional challenges and difficult decisions. And it ain't over yet. The fat lady's waiting to go on...

In 3 weeks I'll be on a plane to LA. Time to see what Andy's world is like. I am really excited about the trip (and taking Christie). I am looking forward to seeing Andy too, but deep inside I wonder if it will be my last time, and with that comes some sadness.

Everyone says I am going to love California, and I can't argue with that as I have never been. I am sure there will be things I love. But I suspect I will leave thinking, yeah, it was great to visit, but I don't want to live there.

Or maybe I'll fall in love with the city, and more deeply with the guy, which is what would be required for me to pick up and move across the continent. Holy shit...could that ever happen?

always a bridesmaid

It happened again. One of the girls in the office came in to work all peachy this morning, chatting about the house that she and her boyfriend put an offer on. It was only a year ago that I had to hear about them moving in together. And a month ago about how they bought a motorcycle together.

Every time I hear stories in the office about relationships moving forward I get envious, and sad. I think 'why can't this happen to me?' I feel like I've been waiting for so long.

With Rob there were so many reasons why we had to take it slow. Look where that got him. Andy moved into my life and dropped hints about giving me his last name on that first night we got together. Reeled me in, hook, line and sinker. But he does live 2000 miles away. Our relationship is moving forward but these things take time...

In the meantime I miss him. I miss living in the same house with the man who loves me. I miss being a family, taking care of my partner, and him taking care of me. I miss having someone to lean on, a man to kill spiders in the house of girls, to pump the gas and open jars for me.

It's time. Time for a man to join in this family.

what i need in a man

I gave Andy a task today. I asked him to give some thought to what he needs in a relationship. He has never voiced any of his needs, only his wants and dreams and lots of beautiful imaginary visions of us together. Which is wonderful, but...

Lately I have wondered if he really knows what he wants out of a relationship, or if he ever gives it any thought. So I asked him to get back to me on it. And I told him I'd do the same for him. At the very least it will help speed up this getting-to-know-you stage.

All day long I've been trying to encapsulate what it is that I want in a partner into a few simple words. Not so easy. But I'll give it a whirl here in blogland.

What I need in a partner:

• someone who can go deep with me - emotionally, mentally, spiritually - and challenge me
• someone who has a genuine interest in finding out who I really am
• honesty with a constant desire to keep it real between us
• to be adored
• a protector - stick up for me, hold me during scary movies, give me a kidney, whatever
• a kind, open-minded, upbeat, non-judgmental person
• a great lover who can be sweet, strong and an insatiable animal all in the same night
• someone who loves to touch me
• respectful of me and others
• loyal and dedicated to family, and to me
• someone who has had children
• accepting of my children
• non-smoker, in fact, not addicted to anything except me
• trusting enough to open up to me
• a confident man, but humble and imperfect
• dependable and responsible
• good sense of humor!
• healthy lifestyle
• someone with passion and a purpose
• someone I can learn from and grow with

And here are a few things that are extremely nice to have in a partner:

• good to look at
• common interests
• quality time together
• unjaded, able to love and trust freely
• money
• living close, or better yet, together
• someone as clean as I am
• intelligence
• patience
• a handy guy who will look out for me and my car/furnace/plumbing
• someone with good taste
• great communicator
• someone who knows me better than I know myself