I decided to use our trip to the little country inn to break into some new territory with Andy. You know, I was looking to further our relationship by digging a little deeper and what better place than the cozy, romantic restaurant at the inn...
We were pretty hot and heavy even before dinner, having already christened the kingsize bed in our room. Then we ordered this awesome bottle of red meritage to start off, which made us a little dreamier yet, but also acted as my liquid courage to open up this new conversation.
Andy was so receptive, and he always is, so I don't know why the hell I hesitate to get certain things off my chest. Anyway, I started asking him about his past relationships...to tell me about the good ones, and why the bad ones were bad etc. I already knew about his longterm girlfriend when he lived in NYC, and how and why that ended. And I know about his ex, the mother of his son, and how and why that began, and ended.
But mystery has always surrounded what happened after his divorce and up until now. How did this great guy stay single for so long and not get scooped up by any beautiful California women?? Well, after hearing a few stories about some pretty short term relationships, it appears that California women have their heads screwed on a little crooked. Or a lot.
These women were flighty, or generally lacking direction or ambition or a sense of reality. Maybe all of the above. I know I can't judge them all by Andy's stories. Maybe he just didn't know what he wanted, so he attracted women who also didn't know what they wanted. Somewhere along the line he created a dream that included someone like me, and his dream converged with mine. Lucky us.
I guess my biggest relief was that he wasn't hanging out with sleazy women, or druggies. I think he just got tired of being around women who were used to Daddy bailing them out of their messes, or ones who talked about doing great stuff, but never had a clue how to make it happen. In comes the ultimate planner...me! Plus I have a few other skills he can appreciate. :) It's all good.
So, after he finished telling me about his past, I offered a skeleton out of my own closet. I gave him the lowdown on Franco. This was back in '99. I had fallen in love with this guy before I even met him. We worked on a project together over the phone and by email, and I was so charmed by his personality and the attention he gave me, that I absolutely adored him within a few weeks. When I finally did meet him in person, the sparks flew. He was charming AND gorgeous. I was doomed.
I was 11 years into a marriage that had been slowly dying for years, and Franco woke up every numb nerve in my body. I explained to Andy that I knew getting into this thing with Franco was going to be trouble, but I didn't stop myself. I wanted it more than anything. Let's be clear, though. I never was sexually involved with Franco. I just kissed him and adored him. I only actually saw him like 3 times. But he rocked my world.
My husband found out about us one day and acted as if I had been having a full blown affair. Looking back, I kind of wish I had had the pleasure of fucking Franco since I got accused of it anyway. I had to end the relationship at that point, and I grieved terribly for the next year or more. My husband never forgave me (for what I didn't really do), and the marriage continued to disintegrate for another 7 years. But I persisted in trying to fix it.
Although I repeatedly apologized to my husband for the pain I had caused him, I never regretted having that relationship with Franco. He opened the window to my soul and I am forever grateful to him.
So, there Andy sat in the dimly lit restaurant listening to me tell my story, watching me turn a little flush as I relived the excitement of that time. He smiled. I asked if he wanted to change his mind about me after hearing what I had done. He smiled again.
He couldn't see anything to blame me for. All he could point out is why that would never happen to us. Because he would always make me feel so loved that I would never be looking for it somewhere else. Bottom line is he thinks I am perfect and my ex is a total dufus. I'm not sure I would say it quite that way, but I do appreciate his support.
Some of the skeletons have been set free. There are more, but we have time. We have all the time in the world. And I am seeing that it is safe and good to talk about these things.
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