fears down, guilt to go

I've had so many fears in my life, most of which I have overcome in the last 3 years. Maybe not 'so many', but even if you have 1 or 2, they feel all-consuming when all you want is a peaceful life.

I used to be scared of travelling. I used to be scared of puking. I used to be scared of flying. I used to be scared of speaking in public. I used to be scared to discuss difficult issues with people.

Now I enjoy travelling which has pretty much opened up the world to me. I cannot imagine a life spent in or around one's hometown when places like Santorini, Paris and NYC are begging to be seen, touched, tasted, and felt.

I went about 18 years without puking, then I puked 3 times within 2 weeks, oh, about a month ago. No biggie, really. I wondered what's the big deal?

And flying? Well I psych myself up before flights, and since I don't fly that much (yet) I haven't had much of a chance to get used to it. But it seems easier each time and I'll actually be flying alone for the first time in January. So far no panic attacks.

Speaking in public I learned to do in my work. I can do small groups fine, and who knows, maybe even large groups, but I haven't been presented with that challenge yet. I do need to know what I'm going to talk about as I am terrible at winging it. I'm not even that great a conversationalist, but can do it well if I want to, or if I've had coffee. Zzzzzing!

Talking about difficult issues with people is a work in progress. I do NOT enjoy this at all, but I realize it is an absolute in life, so I force myself to try and get into the ring. I grew up in a family that swept things under the rug, so had no practice dealing with issues verbally. In my 19 year marriage my husband was determined to always be right, so talking about it was a waste of time, energy and a totally defeating process. I clammed up worse than ever.

Then Cam came along, and Rob. Both of those gentle, sweet men were so patient with me and gave me a safe environment to reveal my feelings and troubles. Still it was never easy for me. But I learned how important it is. I guess I fear criticism and rejection most of all. I just cringe thinking of it.

So, having tackled most of those issues, I am left only with guilt. Most people wouldn't believe that I feel guilt at all. They see me as someone who never does anything wrong in the first place, and I come across as being a very confident and 'together' woman.

It's just my ex and my 19 year old daughter Maria that see me as the total opposite. They think I should feel guilty about many things I have done, and as they so adamantly see me that way, I sometimes start to believe it myself. I can more easily ignore what my ex thinks of me, but when it comes to my child I am affected on a deep level despite all logic. Because I care what she thinks and how she feels.

I am at the point now where I have to start figuring out how to break the news to Maria that I want to move to California. She'll likely say that she doesn't care if I go, but she won't want me taking her sister with me. I know this will be painful on a few levels, so I have to be ready to face it. I so wish I could get her to see what's in it for her. It could be such an opportunity for her. But I have seen how she reacts to my news, and I feel defeated before I start. Sound familiar?

This is one fear I am going to have to get professional help dealing with. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want to be happy and live my life. This is a whole bunch of big changes all at once and I want to go into this new beginning with Andy healthy and happy, not dragging bags of guilt with me. I also think that Christie might benefit from talking to a professional about the big move. We need to do this right.

Add counselling to the list.