ex-clusive expectations

I am thinking back on a conversation I had with Andy back in California. The end of my trip was nearing and I wanted to establish where our relationship stood and where we wanted it to go.

As we pulled into the parking lot of Target I thought what better time to get serious? I first told him what an amazing vacation it had been and that I loved getting to know him better and finally seeing his world. We both acknowledged that our relationship had evolved a lot in this visit.

So I asked him if he now had any expectations of me or us moving forward. He said not really, but he hoped that I would be able to move out there with him. I told him that I had no expectations of him either, other than to make smart decisions keeping our future together in mind. To me, this meant have sex if you must, but be safe while doing it and don't fall in love with anyone else. I didn't verbalize this, but I figured my words were sufficient.

Bottom line, I confirmed our status before I left California because I didn't know how I'd feel when I got back home. Well, it turns out I involuntarily committed myself to Andy right there in the parking lot of Target. I just didn't declare it in case he couldn't do the same. But I felt it. Honestly, I haven't wanted to be (intimate) with Rob since I've been back. And I can't think of anything that excites me more than living with Andy and waking up to him every day.

Six weeks later I still feel so committed to Andy, I find that my expectations have changed. I also want the status of our relationship to change--to match the way I/we feel. I want us to be exclusive partners. That may seem like a no brainer to you, but it's a big deal to me. I am rather amazed that I feel this way. But it feels good...until I let that tiny bit of fear creep in.

I hate to admit it, but I have a stupid little fear that Andy might be having sex with someone else. He's never led me to believe that. It's totally my own doing. It's the craziness that grows out of loneliness and missing him.

What nags at me is that I know he goes to his son's house a few times a week. Sometimes it turns out his son isn't home, but he stays anyway and hangs out with his ex. And she is just gorgeous--a young blonde with long flowing hair, nice boobs and full lips. I think she was a stripper when he met her. He says what a f'd up mess she is and describes their relationship more like a brother/sister thing, but still. She is beautiful and he hangs out at her house regularly. And who's to say she won't go after him again? I think she's jealous that he has someone and she doesn't.

I know I've got to get my head out of my ass. This is nuts. I've just got to ask him if he's ready to make the jump with me. I'm actually mad at myself for allowing these thoughts to get out of hand. Shame on me. Right?