meltdown ahead

I'm having a hard time writing these days. I'm out of Dinamode, and right into planning mode, just running a marathon towards the big move to LA. Basically, I'm driving myself really hard all day and there's not an ounce of energy or creativity left by night.

I can handle this for awhile longer, then I shall collapse into my lover's arms and take a good long break. At least that's the intent. Good planning always pays off, so I'm sure this will be worth the effort.

So, I'm afraid I'll be way too boring and that's why I haven't been writing much. I depend on my emotions to fuel the blog. And I really haven't been allowing my emotions to come through. I feel I can't afford to right now. Once I'm done packing and such, I may allow myself a minor meltdown. For now I have to indulge the workaholic in me.

the art of mayhem

The day after I arrived in LA, Andy's art show was to open. I was pretty excited to be a part of this, to see his work on display (other than in a store) and have people admire it like I do.

As usual, I hardly slept at all my first night there. I was in a bit of a stupor, not as sharp or as patient as usual. OK, so I'll just roll with it...

I helped Andy load the paintings into his car, and carry them into the gallery. While we waited for the installer to show up, we peeked at the space he was allocated for the show. There were 2 long white walls opposite each other, one about 15' and one about 30'. He had brought 6 paintings. And they weren't the big ones. A few choice thoughts popped into my head about what I would have done differently, but I didn't say a word.

The installer showed up and asked him for the plaques of the artist bio and painting titles--you know, the ones that are posted right below each painting in a gallery. Nope, none of that was done. He had misunderstood the instructions from the gallery. Or maybe he didn't read them?? I was secretly freaking inside, but again, I didn't say a word. This is his show, his career, and who am I to say...

So it turns out he needs to get this shit done, and fast, before the installer leaves for the day. He had like 2 hours to pull it all together. And guess who bailed him out? Yes, the organized one. Dinamo saved the day. We drove back to his apartment, I typeset the bio and the titles, and we ran to a print shop and waited while we had them printed and plaqued. We ran everything back to the gallery within the 2 hours and it was a done deal. The show looks great. A little sparse, but great.

Once the crisis was over I had time to feel my feelings about what had happened. This was a new experience, to feel this way towards Andy. I really didn't mind helping him out, but I guess I was annoyed that his poor planning suddenly became my emergency. It also happened to bump my appointment with the first high school I was looking at for Christie. I'd already moved the time once because of Andy, and now I had to call the director of admissions back and postpone till the next day. I was embarrassed.

I dreaded to think that Andy didn't realize how important that appointment was to me. I also worried that he would continue to depend on me to bail him out. I am such a girl scout, always prepared in advance. It's how I avoid anxiety. He waits till the last minute and flies into creative mode. Not...my...style.

In the end he thanked me, but did not apologize. However, he has sold a painting every day since that show opened, which is pretty damned cool. So, although he may not do things the way that I would, I cannot deny that he knows what he's doing. And I admire him for his business sense.

I, on the other hand, will exert my gentle influence once I am in his life full time. I can already see ways that he can maximize his opportunities, and be better prepared. Like reading things through and writing things down instead of trusting them to memory. Though I think I know better, I have to be very careful. I never want to 'break the artist'. He's golden. And I love him that way.

in the catbird seat

Things are happening! I'm in a really good place right now. The most recent stress of my online course is coming to an end, plus I'll be acing the course which also makes me happy pappy. Yesterday I finished almost all of my Christmas shopping. My divorce is well underway--I should be able to file all the paperwork with the court late next week AND my ex has agreed to pay for it. Andy is recovering nicely from the trauma of his mugging last week. He got a lead on a great building with a bunch of 2 bedroom apartments available...in our price range and in a great location at the base of the Hollywood Hills. And I made contact this week with 3 possible schools for Christie and already have 2 appointments set to meet with counselors when I go there in January. I love when my hard work pays off.

:P !!!

ducks ducks everywhere!

Man oh man, I have a lot on my mind. I find myself getting lost in thought every spare moment I have. Which basically means when I am driving and when I am falling asleep.

I don't feel troubled per se, but I do feel a need to sort out my various issues and then prioritize...or better yet, plan. Rob has witnessed me in this mode before, which he calls 'getting your ducks in a row'. It's my nature. I need to understand my situation and take control of it.

The most exciting issue is right at the forefront, with a capital A. Andy. What do we do next? He is back on the West coast missing me and thinking we need to be together on a permanent basis, and soon. I am inspired and flattered by his desire. It's an exciting opportunity, but also a huge undertaking. I have a daughter who's in high school for 3 1/2 more years, all my family's here, my steady job (though that's one thing I'm looking to improve upon), there's still a lot I don't know about Andy, etc etc.

I need to think this one through because there is a lot at stake for me to make such a big move. I want to be careful not to put the cart before the horse. After all, it might trample the ducks who are running amok right now.

My job is another big issue. It's not only about my personal finances, but the fact that I am working way too hard for what they're paying me. I fear I'm getting burned out and I do feel undervalued. Annual raise time is coming in March. Shall I give them one last chance to make it right? It's tempting to leave and make a change, but then again I've just hit my 5 year mark which earns me another week's vacation. Plus I really do like the work. I'm not convinced I would like something else better.

OK, other issues. My dog is not well. I am afraid I'll have to get tests done by the vet and it's going to cost me hundreds of dollars. Not to mention the emotional upheaval it will cause me, and Christie. Also, I am worried about my mother. She's 72 now and very lonely. She needs a man!! I feel I need to spend more time with her and take care of her, but this is very difficult based on my busy schedule and the fact that I live an hour away from her.

And then there's my dad. I try to visit him in the hospital every couple weeks. I like to see him, it's just difficult to make the time. And then there's Rob. Although he's dealing with the Andy issue all right, we still have some things to work through and I don't want to lose him as a friend, and maybe not even as a lover.

My health is GREAT and I want to keep it that way. I am also very happy. I LOVE having the adoring attention of not only one man, but two. My daughter Christie is the joy of my life, and she is also happy and healthy. I am so blessed. Even things with Maria are stable these days. All my relationships are good, and I truly feel that is the most important aspect of my life.

Though I don't feel I have a right to complain, I just thought that if I downloaded my thoughts here, it would help get my ducks in a row.