remembering the goddess

This seems to be the week of validation. Weird, but I got another reminder of how I impacted the life of someone from my past who's apparently still pining for me. This one, however, was kind of creepy because I hadn't seen or heard anything from this guy in almost 30 years, yet he chose to be uncomfortably forward in his email. Can you say creepy?

What's sad is that this kid was a really nice boy and the most amazing guitarist at only 16. He had such talent. But later I had heard that he'd moved to LA and got caught up in the drug scene, like the hard stuff, and kind of trashed his chance at musical success.

I couldn't resist showing someone this email, since it was too inappropriate to share with Andy. My commentary's in italics.

You look like your picture is from high school. He's referring to my photo on Classmates.com, the cheesy website where old friends and creeps alike can contact you again. You married one lucky son-of-a-nice guy probably. Little does he know. What can I say I still remember this one day super vividly. No one has ever come close. He's referring to my skill on the one afternoon when we were teenagers and I brought him up to my bedroom to make out with him. Er...which led to a BJ. My wife is really cool, from brooklyn. Left LA with her and, oh yeah, 3 KIDS. But If I could go back and relive one afternoon. you probably have no idea what im talking about. if you do then neither one of us can forget true perfection. Well, yes, I do remember the sexual encounter cuz he was a cute kid and I had a crush on him for a long time. But true perfection??? I think not. Well, at least it wasn't for me. Maybe I just dreamed i spent an afternoon with an angel who had permission to do things the other angels couldn't come close. I think he means that other girls my age didn't do that to boys. I had an early calling. And I do like being called an angel. ;) I have grown up, and, i pray neither of our spouses sees this, but i had to look to see which place i was in. I haven't a clue what he means. heaven came down to me and Ill never, even this many years later forget how much in love with you i was. REally? That's sweet, and awkward. You arent human, Thanks. Like my Wife, huh? You are an angel that fell to earth. Your husband, if you're married still, better appreciate your heart, smile and grammatical skill. ROFL! What?? Grammatical skill? He remembers my grammar and the BJ. you could spell so well, i had to look to see were the 'words' were cum, sorry coming from. sorry bad joke. Eww, that's just creepy. But the truth is no joke, damn, the one that got away. I hiope you are happy cuz just seeing your picture made me think of one of the few times in my life i was really happy. Pretty sad that he hasn't been that happy ever since, considering he married someone and had 3 children with her. I hope you feel that now, you deserve it. U R still a Goddess. There's the validating line. Bored, Depressed and back in hometown name inserted here since 2007, i just finished a solo record, i hope someone will care. Obviously he's hoping that I'll care. And basically I would have dropped a line, but the message was so convoluted and gross that I surmised that he's still on drugs. No thanks. Sorry Pal. But thanks for reminding me that I am a goddess.

a sense of sexual urgency

Some months come and go without my period even making a dent in my life. This is kind of nice, I guess, as I know plenty of women who seem to barely survive the monthly symptoms that have been duly named the curse.

So I go bumpity bump along at a pretty normal pace with no incapacitating pain or vicious moods or bloated belly. I am really grateful for that. But what does affect me every few cycles is an unsatiable appetite for sex and emotional attachment.

It happens during ovulation and this month it hit me like a tidal wave. I could not stop thinking about Andy--about my body being naked next to his under the sheets, going down on him in the middle of the night (or any time of day), having him explore me inside and out, fucking without a condom, the musky smell of him, tasting sex on him, looking into his eyes, hearing him tell me how much he loves me, talking about forever things, dreaming about Santorini and Paris with him, omg the list goes on...

Feeling these strong urges, I fantasized about them with Andy on Skype and I grew closer to him by the minute. All this made me realize that Mother Nature is working her magic through this thing called ovulation. Procreate! Procreate! she screams. These crazy feelings are exactly how women end up pregnant! (well, after fucking without a condom) And I would def be sooo tempted to act on my impulses if I were in the same room/house/state as Andy.

I breathed a big sigh of relief when this 3 day ovulation cycle ended. Of course, with 2,500 miles between us I did not get knocked up. Next month, and perhaps every month for the rest of my life, what am I gonna do?

I have to find some other reliable method to keep us from being parents again. Because we plan to be fucking like rabbits for a long time. As it stands now I am sure to be jumping his bones with reckless abandon on a regular basis. These feelings are just too damn delicious to deny...

sacred sex

I am blessed with regular trips to heaven. It's not just that I love sex. In fact, speaking for myself here, I feel that sex without deep emotion is rather a waste of time. (Unless one feels the need to masturbate.) Having finally escaped a numb existence, aka 'a dead marriage', I returned to my former life of seeking and enjoying sex. Just out of my marriage, new 'old' love Cam said he'd always thought of me as a sex goddess. I laughed at the time, having completely forgotten who I was, but soon saw my return to that role.

Cam will be the subject of many future posts, but today I need to talk about Rob. Rob is the happy beneficiary of my renewed passion. Rob and I go places during sex that neither of us have ever been. The intensity of our emotion completely envelops us soon after our bodies touch. It's waaay bigger than both of us. I often feel the presence of God when I'm making love to my man. I know God's smiling on us because we are truly celebrating LOVE. We are celebrating God.

Last night after Rob came in me, we found ourselves face to face staring into each other's eyes and souls. I was in such a zone, as was he, and I felt we were truly one. There was nothing between us, and everything between us. It was only us, and God, of course. This is sacred sex.

I emailed Rob my thoughts today because I simply didn't want to let that moment go, and I hoped he was feeling the same. He likes to hear my thoughts. I tried to put that experience into words. And this is what he wrote back:

It's the pot of gold, the rainbow, the sound of the birds and the smell after a fresh rain all in one, plus we get to go there again.

I say it's the alpha and omega.