s.o.s.

Some days I feel really close to waving the white flag. Los Angeles, I give up. You win. I'll tuck my tail between my legs and go back to where I came from.

Insecurity sucks. Using my nest egg just to meet the bills is not what I planned. Having corporate LA reject me because I "just moved here and am at risk of moving back" means I have to remain unemployed for a year or longer before I get a job?? And then what...? "You've been unemployed for too long, sorry."

I'm not usually a negative person. But honestly, I've never had to work so hard to be accepted, to get what I want or need. I wonder, when will this end and what will it have cost? My pride and my confidence have taken just as big a hit as my bank account. I'm not sure how much more I can take.

Andy reassures me daily that everything will work out...that it just takes time. He also tells me about 5 times a day that I am beautiful and how happy he is that I am here. I appreciate his love and support, but why don't his words make me feel better?

Although I can usually hold it together for appearance's sake, inside I am crying. However, I do have an escape. One of my secret comforts is imagining myself in Rob's arms while he runs his fingers through my hair for hours. Another source of comfort is sifting through old Gmail exchanges with Cam. That's where I found this tidbit, another one of my cries for help for a different crisis in my life:

I need your help. What I really want is for you to be here right now, so I can shamelessly unload on you, have you tell me everything's going to be all right, and completely believe you. God, I miss you.

His words held such power for me. It's as if I could hang my troubles like a sopping wet coat on his almighty hook and just walk away feeling light and free. He'd come back with this:

I will say that it’s only through confusion that clarity can happen. Sometimes when we’re in the middle of a mess the only thing we can do is get through it. Sometimes things don’t make sense, like there’s no big picture to see. Embrace the mystery and don’t think there is an answer. See what happens.

I love you with all my heart,
cam

I wonder what he'd say now and if it would bring me the same peace as it used to. I may never know, because I won't contact him. I do sometimes reach to Rob for emotional support although I try not to. But still I feel both Cam's and Rob's love even when they're not actively giving it. And that is definitely worth something. For some reason, I still need it.