better than everything

It's hard to believe that Andy flew home only one week ago today. I still feel him here, but it seems like a month since I could touch his face with more than my eyes.

My heart has stayed with him big time. Even when I'm with Rob, I am thinking about Andy. Andy is the first smile of the morning and my last tear at night.

What I remember as most meaningful about our visit was how comfortable it felt right from the beginning. Talking seemed so much easier in person than on Skype the last 4 months. We covered a couple delicate topics and nobody felt awkward.

Sleeping together was very natural. He didn't snore, he cuddled when I wanted to, and gave me space when I needed it. He didn't mind when I spooned him in the morning or crawled up next to him in the middle of the night, or woke him up by softly touching his face. I could sleep with him forever. It was a dream.

Andy totally fit into my home. It was as if he had lived here for years. He was so good with Christie--I'll tell ya, that's a quick way to a mother's heart! They talked and joked and it was completely wonderful how everybody got along. He was even great with my dog. Andy seemed more relaxed than I've ever seen him, and just plain happy.

The magic was in the everyday, and that's what I found so incredible. I didn't have to wait until we were in bed making love or out having a romantic dinner. It was in those moments when I'd be driving and I'd catch him staring over at me adoringly. When I offered to make him jasmine green tea and he responded with that's what we should name our daughter--Jasmine Green.

Or, my favourite, when he played Brian Jonestown Massacre's Anemone on his laptop and grabbed me for a slowdance in the kitchen. I couldn't help but remember how much I envied my friend Carol when I heard that her husband used to slowdance with her in their kitchen.

Some things are just signs that way. The one that floored me was when Andy looked at me and said you're better than everything. It was an almost eerie echo from the past. Cam, my deepest love ever, used to say to me you're better than anything.