about to burst

Old habits die hard. I found myself poking and jabbing at you, trying to mask my annoyance with something you've done...or not done. Often I'm not even aware what exactly frustrates me, but you, unfortunately, are my target.

I jab with a smile, as if that means it's all in fun. I dance on the line between teasing and insulting. How far can I go to ease my frustrations yet not get called on it? God forbid I have to explain why those things you do just don't fit in my world. I couldn't bear to hurt you that way. My verbal stabs are somehow a little more innocuous.

Yes, this is one of the things you're not supposed to do to the one you love. I knew I went too far when the room got suddenly quiet.

And then came the guilt.

Hello, old habits. Here we go again. Buried feelings, mainly frustration. Which leads to Resentment. And presents itself as Sarcasm. Why is it more natural for me to communicate through sarcasm than to have a heart-to-heart talk with the one I love?

I have 9 months of tightly packed frustrations that I've been trying to manage on my own. And it's not working. Lately I realized I have been taking it out on you. Some of it you deserve, some you do not. Excuse me darling, would you mind being my punching bag? I need to get this shit off my chest so I/we can move past it and I can be the nice girlfriend that I long to be.

Let's just make a tidy list of all the things I am pissed about. This way I can vent out the nasties in my blog without hurting you, and be more prepared for a calm, adult conversation with you. Here goes the rant:

1. You never really acknowledged all that I gave up to move to California to be with you. And please don't retort with the statement of how you also gave up a lot, because honestly, giving up a rent-controlled apartment is a tiny fraction of what I gave up.
2. I have lost my sense of security. This is a really scary feeling. Not only could you not offer any financial support while I was looking for work, but you had no clue how to help me with the real problems I encountered either. Other than "I love you and everything will be fine", which I started to hate being told, I was pretty much on my own to figure shit out.
3. You are oblivious to things that need to be done on a regular basis. This includes cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, planning meals and grocery shopping, etc. Do you not see the pile of pubes growing in the corner of the bathroom? How about the crumbs and dustbunnies on the kitchen floor? Does it not bother you that you have to crawl over your stuff to open the bedroom window? If I ask you to do something, you willingly do it, but why must I always ask? I want you to see for yourself, care enough to change it, and then actually do it.
4. I always have to be the leader, the initiator, the planner, the problem-solver. Frig! I don't wanna!
5. Why can't you take better care of yourself? I work out twice a week and eat in moderation. I look good because I have committed to being physically fit. You keep noting how handsome you are, but honey, you're getting larger and larger.
6. You don't really know me, and it seems you don't have much interest in finding out my deepest thoughts and feelings. You do, however, constantly tell me how beautiful I am, but really it makes me feel like I'm merely your trophy or something. Dig beneath the surface for once. Give me a glass of whiskey and ask me questions. You will be greatly rewarded.
7. I need more space and more quiet. I feel like I can't gather my thoughts and get myself organized in this apartment. I have no space to call my own, and nowhere to concentrate on my work stuff unless you and Christie are out. When you're here you seem to always be listening to music, tv, or podcasts. I long for silence.
8. I don't like your neediness. Feel free to say I love you whenever you want, but don't expect me to return those words just because you said them first. I will say them when I genuinely feel it and want to share my feelings with you. It's not a ritual for me to say I love you at the end of every single phone call, whenever I leave the house or just because you said it. I never want those words to lose their true meaning. Strangely enough you rarely say those words when I would like to hear them most--when we're making love, or fucking, as you would say.
9. Sex. Honey, I really need to connect with you on a deeper level. We should be a lot further along than we are, in and out of bed. Gotta work on that.

There, I've vented. Though it was supposed to make me feel better, I feel guilty. It sounds like I have zero appreciation for all the good you give me. And you are the biggest-hearted guy. Just a bit oblivious to how to really reach me. Why can't you read my mind??