It’s peculiar how you can forget what really makes you happy. You’d think that you’d always remember these things, sort of like riding a bike. If you’ve done it and lived it, it should be part of you forever, no?
Here I sit in LA land (aka LALA land), where all my dreams pointed to for the last 2 years. I moved mountains to uproot my life and relocate here. My heart and the promise of fulfilling my highest aspirations fuelled me through the challenges of coordinating a massive move for both my daughter and myself, including selling our house, leaving family and friends and shipping our possessions.
I moved in with my love Andy, my daughter is thriving at her new school, the weather is to die for and I’ve had all summer to play and discover my new world. Sounds awesome. Then why has Dinamo lost her passion for living and loving? Basically I feel like I’m on the edge of flatlining.
#1 reason: I need to work. I need to get an actual job, not just spend hours a day looking for one. Between perfecting my resume and cover letters to be my most fabulous self on paper, browsing career websites, applying for jobs and reading the masses of industry articles I’ve subscribed to in order to stay current, I literally spend about 5-6 hrs a day online. I now hate my computer…and the whole process of looking for work. Especially when you find out through CareerBuilder’s ‘fantastic’ little feature outlining the competition that 279 other people also applied for the same job that you did.
#2 reason: I feel alone. Andy is sweet, but he can’t provide me with a lot of what I need. A girl needs her own circle of friends to hang with and talk to. I love looking at his face, but it is now burned in my retina. Variety please!! Andy and I don’t have the depth in our relationship that I want and need. He rarely asks me questions about what I like, what I feel, what I dream…sometimes feels like he’s just not that into me, but how do I dare say that when I know he adores me? I also feel like I have to solve all my problems myself. He helps me the very best he can, but he doesn’t have experience dealing with pressures and complex issues. So I’m either on my own, or I call Rob for help which luckily he is still willing to give.
#3 reason: I’ve lost touch with my spirituality. The fact that I’ve been in mere survival mode over the last couple months means I have pushed aside my relationship with the higher power. I am in such unfamiliar territory, physically, emotionally and mentally. This is where I should find the greatest use of my faith, yet I overlook it. My mother and Rob both have strong spiritual leanings and they remind me of its power in their own gentle ways. Maybe I need to be beat over the head with it. Or hit rock bottom (oh, please no).
Rob sent me Deepak Chopra’s Book of Secrets last week. I am more than half way through it already. The timing was right for me and it’s reminded me that I need to get back to seeking my joy on a daily basis. I def have not been doing that. When I am feeling like shit, how can I attract the job of my dreams? As long as there is no vibrational match, my job and I will not meet. I have to get in the right state of mind for it to come. And I do believe that. In the past I've been able to get there. Why is it so hard now?
Because I can't find my joy.
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1 comment:
The good news is that you seem to know exactly what is dragging you down. Therefore you can choose to find ways to directly combat them. And it sounds like you have a support group to lean on so that you aren't alone. It's okay to struggle with such a big change darlin'. Just be sure to work on bouncing back. Sounds like you are on your way.
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