dazed and confused

I had a mildly interesting realization yesterday. Always contemplating what motivates me to feel what I feel for Andy vs. Rob and why it keeps changing...

I think Rob represents what I am and what I need right now (comfort, security, sex, understanding, help with my house/car, a companion to hang out and do stuff with, stability) and Andy represents what I want to be in the next phase of my life (inspired, creative, taking on new challenges, change of job and change of scenery, social advancement).

Sometimes I don't feel like I'm strong enough to make such a big move (to California). Other times when I have accomplished something great at work, I think it's a fabulous idea.

Neither Andy nor Rob has all the qualities I need. And how I am feeling at any point during the day, or time of the month, can greatly influence who "feels right" to me. The fact that my feelings change like the wind is disturbing to me. Maybe I keep waffling because neither one is the one.

Could it be that this process is not nearing an end? Am I trying too hard to make one fit? I find myself feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted more often lately. even wonder if I'll ever be able to choose and be happy with one guy. Sometimes I just want to get off this crazy ride.

guess who's coming to town?

Santa, of course. Then Andy! In January. It is going to happen. After 5 1/2 months of waiting, we will be together again. Instead of just talking to each other (and seeing via Skype), we can actually touch. I am so looking forward to that hug.

Thanks to Skype I have gotten to know Andy better, which was a definite goal of mine. The initial fantasy of quitting my job, selling the house and moving to California to move in with him and promote him as an artist has evolved into a mellower, OK, let's get to know each other a little first!

We skype every couple days, sometimes for hours at a time. Not that we say a whole lot. We often stare and smile (sounds a little retarded I know). Or one of us does stuff while the other one watches (ok, what are you thinking??). It's very much like living together. Like yesterday I rang Andy, and he proceeded to watch me paint my kitchen...for 4 hours.

He especially liked what I was wearing--black tank top and a pair of old black yoga pants that were very low rise and exposed my belly. So when I reached up to roll the paint onto the ceiling he made some interesting comments from across the room where his face filled my computer screen.

I know it sounds crazy. Everyone I tell this to thinks it's crazy that we spend hours just watching each other. But I tell ya, it's just really, really nice just to know the other is there.

And so he will be here in a few weeks. In my house, in my bed, in my arms. :)